“So your dad isn’t coming to the wedding, I hear?” Rose asked Toby over an early dinner. We were in an Italian restaurant, and I was eating delicious pumpkin ravioli.
“I don’t know, I don’t speak to Brian much, Mum.”
“Do you speak to your father?”
“Rarely.”
I’d broached this subject a few times; Toby’s dad hadn’t been on the scene much, and although he’d invited his mum and Marcus to visit, he said there was no way he would invite his dad. He said it’d be awkward, they’d have nothing to talk about, and his dad probably wouldn’t want to come anyway.
“Useless, he is.”
“Let’s not moan about him,” Marcus said, changing the subject to my relief. “We’ve had a smashing time today, thank you both. Been a while since we came and saw the sights.”
“Three years, I think?” Rose said, smiling sadly at Toby.
“Sorry, I know I’m useless,” he said.
“You must come more often,” I told them. “Make it an annual visit.”
“That’d be wonderful!” Rose grinned, and Toby smiled back at her. I wondered if I’d be around for the next visit. I couldn’t keep lying to them forever, and I might meet someone. A sexy, kind, rich guy might be waiting to meet me right this minute.
We had a twilight ride to the top of the Rockefeller Center booked. I hadn’t done this yet and was almost as excited as Rose when we stepped out and looked at the view. On one side, there was the Empire State Building and all the skyscrapers around it. Flashes were going off at the top, and I wondered how many people were up there right now, and what their stories were.
On the other side, we could see Central Park, or just about, as the light was fading. I left the three of them to look out, and went to the very top – a small level above the rest, to get a look from there. You could see so much – so many lights coming on, so many cars. It made me feel tiny. But I was now a tiny part of this city, and I felt at home here.
“Hey,” Toby said, appearing beside me and taking my hand. He squeezed it.
“Hey,” I told him back. My hand felt so comfortable in his. I leaned my head on his shoulder.
“Thank you, Alice.”
“For what?”
“So many things. Everything.”
“It’s fine.”
“No, you’ve been amazing. So kind to my mum.”
“Well, it’s the least I can do as you’ve let me stay here, rent free. You came to Hannah’s wedding, you helped me get over Ed.”
He didn’t reply. I moved away, down the stairs and back to the deck that Rose and Marcus were still on. Toby followed, and put his arm around me when we stopped to look at the view again. Yes, it felt so comfortable; so normal. But I couldn’t keep doing this. I discreetly moved his arm off of my shoulder and went to stand with Rose.
After the wedding, I knew I had to find somewhere else to live. Definitely.
Sunday was a quieter day. Rose was worn out between all the walking and general jet-lag-ness. We sat around, talking, and ordered pizza for dinner. Rose kept chatting happily away, and I realised I had become quite attached to her. I liked the idea of having a mother-in-law that I got on well with, who I bonded with. I’d never much liked or got on with Paul’s mum. A sadness enveloped me, knowing it was all so fake and temporary.
“We’ll see you at the wedding!” Rose gave me another big hug and I squeezed her back. I was sad to see them go, but glad to have to stop pretending for a while, at least. I thought we were pretty comfortable with hugging and holding hands; we did that a lot anyway, but I wondered if she’d noticed she’d never seen us share a kiss, or talk about the future as a couple.
Toby helped me move back into my own bedroom, idly talking about how right I was to suggest they come, and how much he’d enjoyed it. I was glad.
“I meant to ask you,” he said, when we sat down for a cup of tea before bed. “You pulled away from me at the Top of the Rock. Like something was wrong.”
I shrugged. “I guess I was a little tired of pretending that night.”
“But I put my arm around you all the time, it wasn’t for effect.”
“Okay.” I didn’t know what to say that didn’t sound childish, and I didn’t want to argue.
“What’s wrong? There’s something you’re not telling me.”
How had he got to know me so well, so fast?
“I just find myself becoming attached to your family, and it makes me sad that I’m not really a part of it.”
“I’m sorry. If you don’t want to come to Florida…”
“Of course I do.”
“Good.” He kissed me on the forehead, and went to bed.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The Wednesday before the wedding, Beth and I went shopping for a dress, and after I’d found something I loved, we had lunch together. I told her about Toby’s family.
“So they think you’re in love?”
“Yes. I feel bad about lying.”
“I doubt they suspect anything; you and Toby act like a couple even when you’re with us.”
This wasn’t the first time she’d pointed this out. Nor the first time I chose to ignore it. We finished our lunch, and it was on my way back to the apartment that my phone rang.
Hmm. It was Ed.
“Hello?”
“Alice, hi,” he said, he sounded like he was walking.
“Hey, how’s everything going?”
I hadn’t heard from Hannah since I’d texted her, and I hadn’t bothered messaging her again. I knew I should be a better friend, but I found it hard to separate my feelings for Ed, even though they weren’t so strong these days, plus I couldn’t condone what she’d done. And she’d lied to me about it, as well.
“I’m at JFK.”
“As in the airport?”
“Yes, of course! Where are you?”
“I’m walking, I’m not sure where, not far from Central Park.”
“Can I meet you? There must be a Starbucks or something? I’m about to get into a cab.”
I gave him the details of a café near the apartment and then walked there. I wanted to phone Toby, but I knew he’d be angry and worried, and really, what could I do now? Ed was here. I couldn’t refuse to see him when he’d come so far. Was it just to see me? Of course it was. An overwhelming feeling of finally being wanted, needed, sought after, washed over me and filled my insides with warmth.
I’d almost finished my first coffee when Ed walked through the door. He had a suitcase with him, and he looked tired. His hair was longer, and he hadn’t shaved for a few days. He was still the same, good-looking Ed, but somehow, my heart didn’t do its usual flip when his eyes met mine. He smiled, and came over to my table.
“Let me get you another coffee,” he said, depositing his case by my chair.
“Latte, please,” I told him nervously.
“Coming right up. Oh, I don’t even have any dollars, do they take credit cards?”
“Yes, of course.”
I watched him order, and then wait for our drinks, and then return to our table. I wasn’t sure how I felt about him anymore, but it wasn’t like it used to be. Maybe I was actually being honest when I’d told Toby I’d moved on.
“So…” he said, sitting down.
“Thanks for the coffee,” I said, taking mine off of the tray he’d placed on the table.
“No problem.”
“So how have you been?” he asked, smiling at me.
I had to ask. “Ed, why are you here?”
“It’s just … wow, I spent seven hours wondering what I’d say to you. And I still have nothing.”
“How’s Hannah?”
“She’s moving in with Harry.”
“What?!”
He nodded sadly. “I know.”
“She’s not even going to give it a shot with you? And they aren’t even going to date first before moving in together?”
“We talked, a lot. I can’t get past the cheating.
She can’t get past her feelings for this Harry guy.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. So… I’ve been looking for an apartment, in London.”
“Nice.”
“Yes. Be closer to work then.”
“I’m sorry, Ed.” I reached out and put my hand on his.
He smiled at me. “I’m sorry to just turn up like this. I just felt compelled to see you.”
“I can’t be your rebound,” I told him, assuming he wanted that revenge sex he’d mentioned on the phone.
“God, no!” He laughed.
I didn’t.
“Well, then why did you come? You’ve got plenty of friends back home.”
“What you said, Alice. About unrequited love. I kept thinking about how strongly you said you felt, how hard it’d been. Maybe it doesn’t have to be like that, maybe there’s some hope. I don’t think either of us should worry about Hannah’s feelings because she sure hasn’t worried about mine.”
Did I still love him? The more he spoke, the more I realised I had moved on. Sure, I loved him once. Madly. Crazily. But now. Now things were different. I was different. I was with Toby now.
Only I wasn’t with Toby.
My mind was swirling.
“It’s more complicated than that, Ed. I’ve been trying really, really hard to get over you. I’m building a life here.”
“I understand that, but do you think we could just spend some time together, over the next few days?”
He looked so sad. I felt sorry for him, and almost caved.
“I can’t cheer you up, Ed. You need some time for yourself, not another woman to make you feel good.”
“She’s just made me feel so … unworthy, you know? Like I’m not good enough.”
“Oh, Ed, you are good enough. You’re amazing, and good-looking and such a nice person. You’ll meet someone else. Someone better.”
“I guess so.”
“And maybe this is for the best. You were a little unsure yourself, weren’t you, before the wedding?”
“Because of you.”
“Well, that was then, and this is now.”
“So it’s too late? I mean, for us.”
“Look at you, it’s too early, full stop. You’re still in love with Hannah.”
He shrugged. “Am I? Maybe she knew I wasn’t sure, maybe that’s what made her stray herself. I guess I deserve this.”
“No, you don’t deserve this. You might have been tempted to cheat on her, but you didn’t. She married you, slept with someone else, and is now moving in with him all of a sudden. She’s the one who’s acting crazy.”
“Maybe.” He shrugged. “I still think there’s something between us, something unfinished?”
“You want someone to make you feel loved, Ed. I totally get that. But that can’t be me. I’m so sorry.”
He nodded. “It was a bit crazy, coming here, wasn’t it?”
“Yes. It was. But we all do crazy things now and then.”
“Wow. I don’t know what to do now.”
I patted his hand. “Drink your coffee, before it gets cold, and then we’ll make a plan.”
He smiled, and picked up his drink. “I’m sorry, I feel like I was trying to use you now.”
“Don’t worry, I am going to be a good friend and help you get through this, just not like you thought.”
“Oh yes?”
“Yes. You’re going to book into a hotel, and have a few days sightseeing. On your own. Get some time for yourself, clear your head. Then you’re going to go back home, and get on with your life. Live in the moment, take some time, take care of yourself. It will all work out for the best.”
“Okay,” he nodded. “Makes sense.”
“And, some point in the future, when talking about Hannah and Harry doesn’t make you feel sad, you’ll go on Tinder or some other dating app, and you’ll meet some amazing woman who’ll treat you right.”
“Or, I might email you?”
I shrugged. “You could. I’d be happy to hear from you – but only as a friend. Nothing more.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Now I’m free, you don’t want me?”
“I think I stopped wanting you a while ago. Sorry. I had to get you out of my head – and my heart. You were marrying Hannah, and…”
“And now you have Toby?”
“Yes. We’re just friends, but … I don’t know, I’m different when I’m with him. Stronger somehow.”
“Do you love him?” he asked quietly, toying with his cup of coffee.
I looked into the eyes of the man I used to be so totally, helplessly in love with, and I didn’t know how to answer. So I shrugged.
“Sometimes, I think we’d be great together. We’ve got this rhythm. We get on so well, and we’ve had a few moments, where I thought something might happen between us.”
“But?”
“But he’s in love with someone else.”
“So were you, when you met him.”
I smiled and looked away. “True.”
“Well, I feel a little foolish, but I’m glad I came here, Alice.”
“Me too.” I got up to go. “Check online, find a hotel close by, and have some fun.”
He stood up and hugged me. “Thank you, Alice. For everything.”
“Good luck, Ed. I’m sorry things didn’t turn out the way you wanted them too – with Hannah, and with me here in New York.”
He nodded. “Be happy, yeah?”
I smiled and left him there, amazed, confused, but stronger than I’d maybe ever felt, since I first met him.
Toby was surprisingly supportive when I told him about what’d happened that day over dinner (I’d made my own pasta from scratch, and invented a sauce, which he loved, so I was pretty pleased with myself).
“Wow, so what you always wanted came true; Ed came for you.”
“He doesn’t want me, though. Just someone to massage his damaged ego. I can’t be his rebound.”
“And if he shows up again in a few months, when things have calmed down?”
“I don’t know… Never say never, but I think it’s too late.”
“You should be proud of yourself. Look how far you’ve come since I met you.”
I was pretty proud, actually.
Lying in bed that night, I thought about Ed’s parting words. Be happy.
I was happy.
But I wanted more. Seeing him had made me realise it much more clearly.
I wanted Toby. Not as my roommate. Not as my best friend. As much, much more than that.
And he didn’t want me.
I’d done it again. I was officially Unrequited Alice.
Chapter Twenty-Five
The night before we flew to Florida, Toby was nervous. He didn’t say as much, but I could tell. He was quiet, snappy, and distracted. I just let him continue, and acted normal myself. I knew how it felt, waiting for the wedding of the one you loved to someone else.
When I got up on the Thursday morning, he was sitting in the living room, his bags packed by the front door, ready to go.
“You want some breakfast first?” I asked him, wondering what I could rustle up.
“Nah, I feel a bit sick,” he smiled sadly. I hadn’t seen him like this since we first met in Niagara.
“It might settle you?”
“Let’s get something at the airport.”
He didn’t say a word in the cab. We found a restaurant selling breakfast burritos, but he barely ate his; so I ate mine and then his, too. My photography course interview had been just a few days before so I told him all about it again, every little detail from the questions they asked through to the building, and the tour I’d had – the facilities were amazing. And I garbled on about another part of my new-me plan; my get fit routine. I was going to eat healthier and do more exercise. Just as soon as we got back from Florida. I didn’t mention the final part of my plan: to find somewhere else to live. That could wait.
Toby listened, and gave me ideas, and
encouraged me, but the usual enthusiasm wasn’t in his voice. I was curious to see what this Donna was like, the woman that I’d heard so little about, and yet she’d hung over us like a dark cloud ever since we’d met. Zara and Rose didn’t like her; so I had a suspicion I wouldn’t either. But Toby obviously saw something wonderful in her, and I was keen to find out what.
On the plane, Toby was still being quiet, so I closed my eyes, planning on taking a nap.
“In 48 hours, they’ll be married,” he said, out of the blue.
I squeezed his hand.
“Yep. And you’ll be fine.”
“I don’t know why I’m like this, I haven’t even seen them for nearly two years. In fact, until he told me they were engaged, I managed to push her out of my mind most of the time.”
“It just feels weird. I bet when you see them, you’ll relax.”
“I thought I was over it, but then they announced their engagement.”
“You are over it; I’ll prove it to you this weekend.”
“Thank you for coming, I feel like you really understand what it’s like.”
“I do. And look at me, I’m good, never better.”
“True.”
“You ready to be my boyfriend again?”
“Ah. Yes. That okay with you? I know you felt guilty last week.”
“Let’s just make it the last time,” I said, “although your whole family must think you’re punching way above your weight.”
He laughed. “That’s true.”
He grew tense again when we touched down in Miami. We rented a car and drove to the hotel.
“Toby West, booking for two nights,” he said at the checking-in desk.
“You got us one room?” I asked, surprised.
“Is that a problem?”
I saw the lady behind the desk give us a confused look.
“Not at all.”
She handed him two key cards, and we turned towards the elevator.
“I got a text from my mum,” he told me. “They’re just collecting Zara, Brian and Donna from the airport then coming here.”
He looked a little pale.
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