Huh, I knew it. What a callous, calculating bitch.
“I forgot to bring my clothes in here, could you pass me my bra and pants?” I poked my head out the door. He was only in his boxers himself. He went over to my case and picked up the underwear I’d left on top. Turning towards me, he looked at the carpet, unable to look at me or my bra.
“Thanks,” I said, as he passed them to me. I put them on and then walked right out. I’d left my dress in the wardrobe, too.
“Whoa!” he said, taking me in.
“Just reminding you that there are other fish in the sea,” I said, staring right back. I had no idea what I was doing, but I didn’t feel self-conscious around him, not anymore. Not now I realised I had nothing to lose; our friendship was doomed the minute I fell out of love with Ed and started to have feelings for Toby.
I pulled the pale yellow dress out and put it on, the one Beth had helped me pick out. It was strapless, plain, ankle-length with a full skirt that flared out as I walked. I wouldn’t have picked it myself, but she had insisted I try it on and it flattered my shape really nicely.
“You look stunning.”
I turned to see Toby watching me as he put his suit on.
“You scrub up pretty well yourself. Can you zip me up?”
“If you can do my bow tie?”
“Actually, I can. My uni boyfriend had to wear one for work. He was a waiter in a fancy restaurant.”
I turned around and felt him put one hand on my hip, the other on the zip as he did it up. A little electric current run through me and I closed my eyes, willing it away.
I turned and slipped the tie around his neck. He was looking down at my hand as I tied it, but then I felt his eyes on my face.
“I like what you’ve done with your eye make-up,” he said quietly.
“Thank you.”
“I’m proud. To have you by my side today.”
His words made my chest inflate and I felt my face break into a grin.
“Thank you.”
My eyes met his. There we were again, eyes locked. Just like in Niagara. Just like that time after our night out with his friends. This time I was going to be the one who moved away. I didn’t want that disappointed feeling yet again.
“We had better get downstairs,” I told him, finding my shoes.
“Yes, yes we had,” he said, watching me put them on.
“You feeling okay? During the ceremony, just keep your eyes on me. That’s what I did. It really helped.”
“It’s okay. I’m fine. But thanks.”
“Good. Let’s go.”
The wedding was quite a bit bigger than I’d expected; Donna and Brian had a lot of friends turn up, and more relatives. Toby held my hand as we walked through the hotel, and he greeted relatives and friends, introducing me to each one. Everyone had heard about me already, presumably from Rose. We found a place at the front where Toby sat next to Rose, and I sat next to him. Zara sat on the other side of me, chatting away to me about her nails, and how much she liked my dress.
Brian appeared and gave each of us a hug. He seemed excited and upbeat; even Toby seemed chirpier than I expected. Rose didn’t seem overly joyful, though. I felt bad for her. It must be such a disappointment that her new daughter-in-law wasn’t someone she felt able to bond with.
Donna walked down the aisle gracefully with her father. I held Toby’s hand and he smiled at me, but he didn’t look too sad. And I watched him during the ceremony; he kept his eyes on the front, watching the whole thing. I was proud of him and squeezed his hand. He squeezed mine back.
Outside, there were lots of photos being taken on the beach. Everyone gathered around, and we stood about idly, drinking champagne while waiting our turn. I didn’t want to be in the close family shots but Marcus insisted I was a member of the family, too, and dragged me in.
“I couldn’t have done this without you,” Toby whispered in my ear while they were having photos with Donna’s family.
“You could, you’ve been great.”
“Only because you’re here. And because you’ve been there, all these months.”
“You did it for me,” I shrugged. “You made me feel strong.”
“Ditto.”
He gave me a little hug, and as I pulled away I saw Zara approaching us, smiling.
“I’m going to get us all some more champagne,” Toby said, ducking away.
“Well, she does look stunning in that dress,” Zara said, gesturing towards the happy couple.
I hadn’t really noticed until now; I’d been too pre-occupied watching Toby’s reaction to everything.
“Yes,” I said, taking it in now. “She’s beautiful.”
“Maybe your turn next, eh? You two seem so happy together.”
My eyes nearly welled up at her words.
“We are happy, yes.”
“I’m so glad. I know I’ve got Donna as a sister-in-law, but I think you and I will be closer – in fact we already are.” She smiled and squeezed my arm.
“I’ve always wanted a sister, too,” I said, my eyes welling up. “And a family like yours.”
“Oh bless, come here.” She pulled me into a hug and I suddenly felt I couldn’t lie to her anymore.
“I have to tell you something,” I said, pulling away. I gestured to an area away from the crowd.
“What’s wrong?” she asked as soon as we were out of earshot.
“I’m not Toby’s girlfriend. He’s my best friend, and I wish I could tell you there was more, but he doesn’t want to be with me, not like that anyway. We just share an apartment. Don’t be mad with him, he’s an amazing man. He’s wonderful.”
Zara looked at me, frowning, taking it in.
“Oh my word. Why the hell did he lie?”
“I don’t know,” I said, not wanting to give away that he had feelings for his now sister-in-law. “I guess he didn’t want to turn up alone.”
“And you went along with it?”
“Because I care about him.”
“I think you’re in love with him.”
I looked up from the grass and straight at her.
“It doesn’t matter, he doesn’t love me back.”
“Are you two okay?” Toby was walking towards us, drinks in hand. I wiped my eyes, hoping my make-up hadn’t smudged.
“Please don’t say anything, he’ll be angry with me,” I whispered.
“We’re fine, just having a little girly chat, that’s all,” Zara told him, smiling sadly at me.
“Oh, right, okay.”
He could tell something was up, but had the wisdom to leave it there. I took my champagne from him and emptied it quickly.
“I’m just going to the bathroom,” I said after a few minutes, handing Toby my glass.
I went and freshened up; thanks to Maybelline, my make-up was intact. When I went back out, they were still in the same spot, facing away from me. Rose was with them now, too.
“What I’m saying is, treat this one well. We like her. And she is just crazy for you.”
“Mum, you don’t know how she feels.”
“I can tell. She loves you, deeply. And you love her.”
“She definitely loves you,” Zara said. “I know it, she told me just today.”
Oh crap. I felt my face flush red, hoping Toby wouldn’t read too much into it. He’d told his mum he loved me, after all, even if he said it was ‘as a friend’ to me afterwards.
“Hi,” I said, reaching them, embarrassed but relieved to have broken up the conversation.
“I think we’d better head in for the reception,” Rose said, and that was the end of that. Toby took my hand and we walked back into the hotel.
The food was amazing. I had to hand it to Donna, she’d organised a bloody good wedding. More champagne flowed, and then the dancing started.
I sat on the side-lines, watching the others, chatting to Rose and Zara, sipping champagne while Toby chatted to Marcus. And a song came on, Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran - the one from Hannah�
��s wedding that we had danced to.
“Dance?” Toby asked me, jumping up and holding out his hand. I let him lead me, feeling sad. I had made a decision. I definitely couldn’t live with him. I couldn’t watch him bringing home other girls, which he surely would do eventually. I couldn’t let myself go down this whole unrequited route again. I had to get out, while I could. We could still be friends. I’d just have to find somewhere else to live. I was pretty sure Aunt Kerry would be thrilled if I asked to rent Becky’s room for a while. I just needed to work out how long it’d take me to get to college each day, assuming I got in. Please, please let me get in.
Toby moved me around to the music.
“I love this song,” I said, as we began to move.
“Me too, reminds me of our last wedding.”
“It’s been a nice day, I think.”
“It wasn’t as hard as I’d expected.”
“That’s amazing, see? You’re moving on.”
“I meant what I said earlier, you’ve helped me through.”
“Well, we’re even then, as you’ve helped me a hell of a lot, too.”
He didn’t reply and I closed my eyes, imagining we weren’t in a room full of people, but just us, dancing in a room together alone. I imagined him taking me up to our room, taking off my dress, and making love to me.
“What’re you thinking about?” he asked as the song came to an end.
“You, me, us,” I admitted.
“And?”
“And, I think it’s time I moved out.”
He pulled away.
“What? Why?”
“It was only supposed to be temporary.”
“But what if you get your placement?”
I shrugged. “I’m going to ask Kerry if I can live with her. Or I’ll find a room to rent.”
“Why?”
“I just … I guess I just need some space.”
“Right,” he said quietly. “Whatever makes you happy.”
I decided after that to just get very, very drunk. Toby and Zara seemed willing to go along with me, and we drank more and more champagne.
“I know!” Zara said, at one point, pointing her finger at Toby and slurring her words. “I know about you two.”
“You know what?”
“That it’s all fake! Alice told me.”
I just laughed, unable to do much else. Toby shot me a glance.
“Well, don’t tell Mum, yeah?”
“I won’t. But it’s crazy. You’re both mad. You belong together!”
She got up and went to dance with some family members I’d forgotten the names of.
“She’s right, you know,” I told Toby. “We are mad.”
He just smiled at me and took another swig of his drink.
Toby did help me out of my dress, but not in the elegant, romantic way I’d fantasised. We were both pretty drunk, laughing and zig-zagging our way to our room down the corridor, trying to keep quiet.
Back in our room, I tried to pull my dress up over my head and it somehow got stuck. I burst out laughing.
“Help!” I squealed.
“Here, let me try,” he came over to me. He had taken his trousers off, and half undone his shirt. It looked quite sexy over his boxers. He put his hands on my dress.
“You haven’t unzipped it!” he said, laughing like this was the most hilarious thing that he’d ever seen.
He pulled lightly at the zip, and the dress fell down in a heap around my ankles. We both started laughing again and then he glanced at my bra, and then did a comedy take and looked back at my face.
“It’s okay,” I said, laughing. “You can look.”
So he did, again. He looked at me while I giggled, and then he looked back into my eyes.
“You’re so beautiful, Alice.”
He stepped closer to me, and put his hand on my hips, pulling me in closer.
Oh God, I was going to throw up. I ran to the bathroom, flung the toilet seat up, and let the foul-alcohol tasting bile rise up.
“Oh dear,” Toby said, sitting down beside me. He pulled my hair back.
“You okay?”
I nodded.
“Want some water?”
“No. Yes. I don’t know.”
“I’ll get you some, just sip it.”
He went away and came back with a bottle.
We sat there for a while, until I felt there wasn’t much left, and then he brought me my night gown and closed the door so I could get into it. When I opened it again, he was standing there, waiting. He picked me up as I laughed, and carried me to the bed. He pulled the covers over me, put his hand on my cheek, and wished me goodnight.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
I woke up the next day feeling surprisingly chipper. My head hurt, but not as much as it should have.
I turned over to face Toby, he was already awake.
“Good morning, pukey.”
“Oh God, did I puke on you?”
“No, the toilet bowl got it all.”
“Thank goodness.”
“How’re you feeling?”
“Alright, actually. You?”
“Good.”
“Great.”
We looked at each other for a few minutes.
“You still want to move out?”
I’d forgotten about that.
“I think it might be a good idea.”
“Why?”
“If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.”
I couldn’t look him in the eye, so I turned onto my back to stare at the ceiling.
“I don’t want you to.”
“Noted.”
I sat up. “I need a shower,” I said, looking at my hair. It smelt like vomit. Attractive.
As the water made me feel a little more human again, I pondered everything that had happened, our almost-kisses, our bedtime snuggles, our close friendship. How weird that being in love with other people had brought us together. But I knew I couldn’t go on like this; I needed more. And I’d never meet anyone new while I was living with him, and I’d probably go crazy knowing he was right there, but so out of my reach.
I came out of the bathroom, in my jeans and a black t-shirt, and saw he’d ordered room service for breakfast.
“Ta-da!” he said, grinning. “Mum ordered room service last night for her and Marcus, thought I’d do the same for us.”
“Lovely,” I told him. “I’m starving.”
“Let me go to the bathroom, then we’ll eat.”
He went in and locked the door. I sat in front of the food, ravenous. There were croissants and pastries and fruit. I checked my phone. I had an email from the admission department of the college I’d applied to in New York from Friday afternoon. They offered me a provisional placement, subject to my documents being checked out.
“I’m in!” I shouted through the door. “With New York!”
He came out. “That’s amazing, I’m so proud of you.”
We hugged, but I felt myself pulling away quicker than usual, creating a distance between us.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“Is something wrong?”
I took a deep breath. I’d been thinking about these words since yesterday, and now they just came tumbling out.
“The thing is Toby, I’m well over Ed. I think I started getting over him in Niagara, just being with you. You’re the one I want. And all you want is her. She’s not even that nice! For fuck’s sake! I’m right here, in front of you, and it just feels so right. But all you want is your brother’s horrible wife!”
Tears were streaming down my cheeks. I had to get out of there.
I ran to the door, slammed it behind me, and then ran for the lift. I couldn’t be around him anymore, it hurt too much to see him treating me like just a friend. The lift doors were open, and I ran in. I heard him call my name, but I pressed the button to close the doors. I didn’t want him to see me like this.
I got down to the lobby,
ran out to the beach and I walked and walked, and walked. Eventually I sat down on the sand, and ran my hands through it, letting it scratch my skin.
My phone rang, and I looked at the screen. Ed.
“Hello, Ed.”
I looked out at the shoreline. It was beautiful here. Too bad I couldn’t really enjoy it.
“Alice, I’m still in New York. Can we meet?”
“Still?”
“I’ve been working remotely. I didn’t feel like going home, but I didn’t want to crowd you.”
“Right. I’m sorry this isn’t a great time, Ed.”
“Look, Alice, I was blind. I see that now. I should’ve realised how right we would be together a long time ago. Can I take you to dinner? Tonight? You name the place.”
“Ed, I can’t.”
“Just one dinner. Come on, Alice. You can’t have fallen out of love with me just like that.”
“You can’t have just fallen out of love with Hannah, just like that.”
He breathed a heavy sigh.
“Dinner?”
I imagined sitting opposite him, in a cosy little restaurant in Manhattan, talking, laughing, flirting. Isn’t that what I’d always wanted? Wasn’t this what I’d dreamt of for so long?
“I can’t, I’m in Florida,” I told him. “For a wedding.”
“When will you be back?”
“I’ll call you.”
I hung up the phone, not wanting to talk to him anymore and dismissing him from my mind instantly. I thought about Toby, wondering what he was doing, thinking, feeling.
Enough of this. From now on, I was only going to worry about myself. And if a guy came along, I’d only get interested if he was very much, definitely interested in me back.
My phone rang again. I sighed, ready to reject the call, but then I saw it was Toby. No doubt asking me to come back so he could drive me to the airport pronto.
“Yes?” I said, unsure why there was such an edge in my voice. He couldn’t help the way he felt.
“Where are you?”
“I’m not sure, along the beach.”
“I tried to follow you but I’ve been walking for like an hour so I don’t know if I passed you…”
“I only just stopped.”
“Listen, Alice, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. You can’t help how you feel.”
“You’ve no idea how I feel.”
Unrequited Alice Page 22