As soon as we got off the ice, my teammates helped me into the training room where Nathan pulled off my gear. The guys had to get back out to the game but they both hit my shoulder playfully before leaving.
I swore again when I saw my knee. It was three times the normal size with unnatural colors.
Nathan sucked in his breath. “I think it’s the ACL.”
I shook my head. “No. It’s not that bad.”
A bad ACL injury could end my career. That was the last thing I wanted to hear.
His expression was serious. “We won’t know for sure until we get scans done, but I’ve seen stuff like this before. My gut says it’s a full-on ACL tear. We’re going to go to the hospital.”
My stomach hit the floor. “I’m fine, Nathan.”
I needed to get back on the ice. The team needed me. Plus, Emma was probably freaking out right now. I wanted her to know everything was fine. Well, mostly fine.
He frowned. “Don’t try to be a hero, man. We’ve got to get to the hospital. This is serious.”
I blew out a tight breath and winced when I tried to move my leg. “Fine. Whatever.”
I knew Coach would want me to go to the hospital anyway so I might as well make it easier on everyone. Nathan helped me out to the waiting ambulance and headed toward the hospital I’d spent the previous week at. This was the last place I wanted to be. Everything needed to be okay. I couldn’t put Emma through anything else. I couldn’t stress her out more than everything else already had.
I was taken directly to the MRI machine without having to wait. They knew the routine. The hospital was always on standby when there was a game going on. It wasn’t uncommon for one of us to end up in their ER, impatient for answers and treatment.
Once I was in a room, the doctor walked in. He was much less pleasant than the nurses we had in the labor and delivery.
He was direct and to the point. “You’ve torn your ACL.”
I swore, shaking my head. “Are you sure?”
“Yes son. We’re going to have to wrap it. That’s all we can do right now. I’ll let Nathan and Coach Romney know, but right now there’s someone that wants to see you.”
He opened the door and Emma rushed in. “Oh Olli. What happened?”
I pushed myself up on the pillows to a sitting position and held up my arms. She fell into them, shaking a bit. “It’s nothing, sweetie. I promise I’ll be okay.”
She scoffed. “I saw that guy come at you. It was a deliberate hit. He should have been removed from the game. He got a major penalty and we scored, but that’s not enough.
That wasn’t what I was hoping for either, but I knew the guys would get justice for me. “What’s the score?”
She shook her head and sniffed while wiping her eyes. “Of course, that’s what you care about.”
I waited and she rolled her eyes. “We won. Don’t worry, the rookie didn’t let anyone score.”
I sighed. “I’ll be back in there for the next game, just watch.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think so, Olli. The doctor told me it’s a torn ACL.”
We both knew what that meant. “I’ll recover in a few days, Emma.”
“I don’t think it’s going to be that easy.” Her voice was a whisper.
I wanted to run from that exam room. I wanted to scream. I didn’t want anyone telling me that this is a major injury. I didn’t want to think about what would happen next or what this meant for my career. If I was out for more than just a few games.
I wasn’t in the mindset to miss out on the season. I wasn’t mentally or emotionally prepared to not play. I’d been gearing up for this and Emma knew that. It would be okay. I tried to believe that.
“Where’s Jackson?” I asked.
Her expression went slack, then she brightened with a smile that seemed almost fake. “Kendall is watching him. I took off for the car the second you got hurt. I knew exactly what was going to happen.”
“You knew I was going to end up in the ER?”
She nodded. “They were out for blood.”
“I’m sorry this happened. The last thing I wanted was to have you worry about me.”
She smiled sadly. “It’s part of the job description of being a hockey player’s wife. We’re going to get you better and you’ll be back on the ice before you know it.”
I wanted to believe her, I really did. I wasn’t going to let myself succumb to the darkness. Too many players let themselves get depressed when they get injured. Erik had recovered quickly and I would just get Madi, Coach’s daughter, to be my physical therapist. She’d have me back in shape before anyone realized I was gone.
“When can you head home?” She sounded tired and I felt a new wave of guilt for adding to her stress.
“The doctors are just finishing some paperwork and then we can go. Do you think the team is coming?”
She shook her head. “I sent them a text that I would take you home. If they want to see you, they’ll meet us there.”
“Thanks for that.” The last thing I want is another team reunion in a hospital room. My chest tightened. This is the last place either of us wanted to be, especially her. I couldn’t believe that this happened.
At the game, I should’ve moved. I should’ve gotten out of the way. I should’ve just let them score.
Watching Emma, seeing how tired and drained she was, put a lump in my throat. A stupid point would’ve been worth keeping her happy and out of this miserable place.
Soon a nurse walked in with discharge papers. “You guys are good to go.”
Emma held them out for me while I signed.
“Thank you so much, ” the nurse said before she left. A moment later she was back with a wheelchair and I begrudgingly let her and Emma slide me into it. It was humiliating but unfortunately necessary. I couldn’t walk by myself, but hopefully the wheelchair wouldn’t be necessary for long. Hopefully I’ll be on crutches soon or by some miracle I’d recover without needing either of those. I just wanted to get home. I wanted to see my son, but I felt like a failure. Injured during his first game. It’s a good thing he wouldn’t remember.
7
Emma
This was worse than when Erik injured his MCL last season. He’d been hit and landed wrong on his knee, like Olli, but I knew it the moment Olli hit the ice this was different.
From what I could see on TV, he didn’t move. He knew not to when there was a chance of a major injury. The way Hartman and Erik hoovered over him. Blocking him from the cameras and other team. When the coaches and Nathan walked out onto the ice, I knew. They played it off like it wasn’t too bad. The guys helped Olli off the ice, but I could feel in my bones that his injury was serious.
I’d stood and walked to the kitchen for my keys before the commentators could debate about what happened. Before the refs issued the penalty. Kendall was holding Jackson and simply nodded. “I’ve got him. Just go.”
It wasn’t until I was in my car on the way to the hospital when I realized I hadn’t even considered Jackson. I hadn’t thought about bringing him. All I knew was I needed to get to my husband.
Maybe it was because I wasn’t used to having anyone else to think about. I bit down on my bottom lip. Yeah that was it. Nothing more.
By the time I made it to the hospital and found the floor Olli was on, the doctor had his MRI results. A nurse led me to his room where the doctor was waiting for me.
“Mrs. Letang?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Your husband has torn his ACL.”
I knew it was bad. “How severe?”
His face didn’t hold any hope. “It will be a while before he can get back on the ice.”
I closed my eyes and let that reality sink in. Olli wasn’t going to handle that news well. He’d never been seriously injured. Sure, he missed a few games for a sprain or concussion, but this was different.
“How long?”
The doctor turned away before meeting my eyes again. “Might
be the whole season.”
I gasped. That was so much worse than I was expecting. I thought he’d be back by Christmas. The team would be able to survive that long. Games got more serious in the second half of the season. That’s when every point mattered.
But a whole season? There was no way he would accept that.
“It could be less,” the doctor hedged. “You should prepare for the worst case.”
“He will play again, though?”
He nodded, appearing certain. “I have no doubt he will play again. This is a common injury for athletes, but it does have a long recovery time. We will have to be certain he is completely healed before he goes back out. We don’t want permanent damage .”
“Of course.” I took a deep breath. “What’s the next step? Will he need surgery?”
“He will need surgery eventually, but he will need physical therapy first. We can’t do the surgery until the swelling goes down and he has full range of motion in his knee. That will give him the best chance of a full recovery.”
“Okay.”
He placed his hand on my shoulder. “I know it’s a lot to take in, but he will get better, and he will be able to play again. He’s just got to put in the work.”
I smiled. “That wouldn’t be a problem with him.”
“I’m going to break the news to him, do you want to come in with me?”
I shook my head. “I’m going to need a moment.” I couldn’t bear to see the disappointment on Olli’s face when he found out. I should be in there supporting him, but I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle anything else.
His eyes bore into mine with understanding. “I’ll come and get you afterwards.”
“Thanks.”
He disappeared into the room while I fell back against the wall.
What was wrong with me? I banged my head against the wall. I was barely managing to get through the day as it is. Now I would have to help Olli through his recovery while I’m still recovering. Plus, we have a newborn.
I couldn't do this.
I wanted to run. I wanted to get in my car and drive. I don’t know where I’d go, but I felt this pull to get far away.
The burning behind my eyes warned me the waterworks were coming. Why couldn’t I handle life anymore? I’d never felt so overwhelmed. I was a doer. I took action and got things done. But now…
Now I was weak. I’d rather run than be there for my husband.
And my baby.
Why did I keep forgetting about him?
It was like I knew he existed, but he still didn’t feel like mine.
Olli would hate me if he knew that’s how I felt. Jackson was the center of his universe. He spent every second he could with the baby. I, on the other hand, left him with Kendall without a second thought. I always let other people hold him, change him, even feed him now that I was pumping.
I checked to make sure Jackson wasn’t hungry and that he was clean and warm, but that was all I could handle. My brain knew I was in charge of his survival, but my heart wasn’t making the connection. I felt nothing when I held him. I didn’t feel much of anything lately. Just exhaustion.
The door swung open and the doctor waved me in. “I think he would like to see you.”
I went through the motions of getting Olli out of the hospital and back home. Judging by the number of cars in our driveway, I figured most of the team was waiting for us. I parked and looked over at him. “Are you ready for this? Do you want me to ask them to leave?”
He turned to me with a gentle smile. “I don’t mind but if you want them to go, I’ll make it happen.”
I appreciated him worrying about me, but I liked having people around. It distracted me from the turmoil in my head. Plus, the more people here the more attention Jackson got, and I felt less guilty.
Our front door opened, and Hartman and Reese hurried out. I got out of the car and watched as the guys helped Olli out and back to the house. Good, even he was getting what he needed from others. I should have helped him. I should be making sure he was comfortable on the couch. Was he hungry or thirsty? Last week I would have been running in after them gathering pillows and an ice pack. Now, I stood still watching through the open door. Would anyone notice if I just stayed out here? Let the world go on without me?
I eyed the chairs on the porch and headed to them. I slid down and sighed, closing my eyes.
Quiet. Peace. Calm.
Out here, completely alone was the best I’d felt in days.
I fell asleep for several minutes until the front door opened. I peered over to see Marie walking out. Without speaking, she filled the seat next to me. We sat in the silence for several minutes before she turned.
“It’s going to be okay” Marie said. “You know, that right?”
I shrugged.
“We went through a similar injury with Erik,” Marie said. “It happens to a lot of athletes, especially ACL injuries for goalies. You bend the knee wrong and it only takes one hit, but we’ll get him put back together. It’s all going be okay.”
I finally gazed into her eyes and tried to smile but I couldn’t muster the effort. “I don’t know if I can handle this.”
She reached over and squeeze my hand. “You don’t have to do this alone. You have all of us behind you.”
I nodded and squeezed her hand back while staring out at the view of the city below. “I hate to admit it, but I think I’m going to need you guys more than ever.”
She sat forward and stared at me. “Why would you hate to say that? We’re family and we’ll take care of you.”
I blinked back tears.
“The whole team is behind you and will be with you through all of this. Everything will work out.”
I wanted to believe her. My sanity depended on it.
Marie glanced at the house. “Do you want to head in? Everyone is worried about you.”
I nodded and let her pull me up by the hand.
“What were you doing out here alone anyway?” she asked.
“I just needed to think. A moment by myself.”
She stopped and gave me a serious look. “I know this has been a lot this week.” She laughed. “That’s an understatement. Your world has turned upside down, but all you have to do is ask. Actually, with most of us you won’t even need to ask. You’ll probably be begging us to leave and give you some privacy.”
I shook my head, “Trust me, that’s not going to happen.”
It felt strange reaching out and admitting I needed help. I was the one who took charge. I was the one who got things done but the roles were reversed now. Having a baby was harder than I thought it’d be. It was completely different than everything I expected. I didn’t know how to ask for help for myself, but I knew I could ask for help when it came to Olli.
The team knew what they needed to do to help him. They’d been through this before. Even though it was a shock to me, Coach and Madi and the team would know what to do.
Marie led me inside where the rest of my friends were gathered. They all smiled when I walked in. Chloe stood up and offered me a plate of food that they brought over. I took it, realizing that I hadn’t eaten since maybe last night. That was another problem, I was forgetting time. It’s like everything got away from me.
I couldn’t remember the last time I showered or the last time I washed my face. All I could handle was making sure that Jackson was okay. That he was fed, and his diapers were changed. Beyond that I couldn’t handle anything.
“Thank you.” I took it from Chloe and moved to the bar and sat down.
Olli lay on the living room couch watching Sports Center with most of the guys sitting and standing around him. His leg was propped up with an ice pack resting on his knee.
I was grateful someone had taken care of Olli. I knew I should’ve been the one to do that instead of running away and hiding on the porch. This is the first time in my life I felt like I wasn’t capable of taking care of him or myself. Thinking about the innocent baby that could b
e affected by my incompetence made me want to scream inside. There had to be something I could do to feel better but what if this was normal? I didn’t want to sound like a crazy person. I couldn’t call my doctor and tell him I felt weird or lazy. He’d laugh at me and tell me of course I did. I just have a baby and I was recovering from a C-section. It was all normal.
Conversation carried on around me, but I felt like I was far away. I tried to nod and smile as people talked but I wasn’t hearing their words. I felt like life was happening, but I was just an observer. I wasn’t participating anymore.
I finished my food and threw away the plate. Chloe caught and dragged me away from the rest of the group. “I know you have a lot going on right now and I would ask anyone else if I could think of someone, but I need your help.”
This actually seemed to break me out of my fog. “What is it, Chloe? What’s wrong?”
She smiled nervously. “When you ask like that it feels silly.”
“Chloe, just tell me what it is.”
“I need help planning the fundraiser this year.”
It took me a second to think of what she was talking about then I realized the beginning of the season was here. It was time for the team’s fundraiser. Chloe managed it every year and I jumped in to help when she needed small things, but she never asked me for help like this.
“Of course, what do you need help on?”
She sighed. “My assistant’s pregnant. She’s already done a lot, but she’s going to have the baby before the fundraiser, and she’ll be on maternity leave on the night of the gala. I know you have a lot going on right now, and I hate to ask this, and the rest of the girls are already pitching in where they can, but I still need some help.”
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