She shook her head. “He’s a kid, Olli. Don’t hold on to some stupid thing he said. I’m sure he wasn’t saying it to be mean. Derek is just the current goalie.”
I knew she was right, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I still felt annoyed. No, not annoyed. Enraged. How could I be replaced by some new kid who had only played his first NHL game because I was injured? It was ridiculous and infuriating.
“Olli, I have something else I want to talk to you about.”
I glanced back at her.
“I know we’ve told you it’s not likely that you’re going to play this season.”
I blinked, not trusting myself to speak.
“Coach and I spoke, and it was decided to officially pull you this season.”
“What?” I didn’t think this day could get any worse, but it did.
“Coach was willing to hold off for a few days, just to see how things with your knee were progressing. If some miracle were to happen and we realized the doctors and tests were wrong, that’s great, but we all need to be honest with ourselves. You have a long road ahead of you.” She sighed. “Honestly, Coach should have done it weeks ago.”
I swallowed and reminded myself that I couldn’t lose it. Not here. Not with Madi. Not only would Erik kill me, but it wasn’t her fault.
“Okay,” I muttered. Admitted defeat aloud was like a punch to the gut. As if I needed something else to be disappointed about.
She tilted her head. “Olli, he doesn’t have a choice. If anything were to happen to Derek or he needs to rest for a game…we need a backup.”
I knew that. She was right, Coach should have done this weeks ago. We all knew I wasn’t going to get any better anytime soon. It was wishful thinking on both our parts to ignore the inevitable.
“Is he pulling from the farm team?”
She nodded. “It’s temporary, Olli. You’ll be back.”
I scoffed. “Next year.”
She sighed. “I know it sounds like forever, but you need that time to get stronger.”
I clenched my fists. “Can we skip today?”
She was silent for a moment before nodding. “I’m sorry, Olli.”
I wanted to blame her… Coach…anyone for this. I hated this more than I’d ever hated anything. My life was out of my control and it wasn’t something I was used to.
“It’s not your fault.” I stood, hobbled out of the room and back to my car. I struggled to get my stupid crutch into the backseat before sliding behind the wheel.
Nothing about this felt right. Leaving before practice was over. Not being on the ice. Letting someone else stand in my place, and now I was officially on the injured reserve list. For a year. An entire season at the peak of my career.
I slammed my fist against the wheel. This was a year I’d never get back. A year spent watching instead of playing. A year of letting my sponsors forget about me.
How much would this cost me?
Not just money. That didn’t matter at this point. It was all the opportunities that I’d miss out on.
I hated it.
I wanted to blame the player that hit me. I wanted to cuss him out. Drive to his home and take out his knee. I wanted him to suffer for what he’d done, but that wasn’t how this worked. Yes, it was an intentional hit, and he got a major penalty but it wasn’t enough. I burned, seeking revenge.
By the time I got home, my rage was just below my boiling point. I wanted to head to my gym and get on the bike for a few hours. Burn off the anger in the healthiest possible way. Too bad I couldn’t. Not with my brace. I dropped my head into my hands and groaned. I wanted to scream, but I needed to reign it in. I couldn’t let these feelings consume me. I made myself take ten deep breaths before getting out of the car.
The minute I opened the front door, I heard the crying.
I walked toward the sound finding Emma rocking our hysterical son in the living room. She glanced up at me with purplish-black circles around her eyes.
“What’s going on?”
Emma’s glistening eyes told me she was just as close to breaking as I was. I should probably hug her or something, but I couldn’t get myself to comfort her. Him.
I needed comforting myself. We were a sorry lot.
“He’s been like this all day,” she said. “I called the doctor, but he said since Jackson doesn’t have a fever it probably wasn’t anything serious. Maybe tummy pain.”
I shook my head. “How long has this been happening?”
She blinked and a tear fell down her cheek. “Since eight.”
It was three in the afternoon. I swore under my breath. “Why didn’t you call me? Or someone to come help you?”
Her shoulders dropped. “I don’t want anyone else to have to deal with this.”
I ran my hands through my hair. “You have to ask for help, Emma. You have a dozen people ready and waiting to help but they can’t unless you ask.”
She cowered and I realized I was yelling, making Jackson cry louder.
I shook my head and groaned inwardly. I hadn’t meant to yell, but I was frustrated. After the crappy day I’d had I couldn't handle another bad thing. Knowing Emma had been dealing with this alone for seven hours made me feel like a jerk.
I’d been holding a pity party for myself while my wife lost her mind and my son was inconsolable. Just another thing I was failing at. Maybe Coach could find a replacement husband and father too. Put me on the injured list in my family.
“I didn’t want to bother anyone.” She switched to bouncing, but the crying didn’t stop.
“Let me take him.” I took a step closer, but Emma flinched. “What’s wrong?”
“Maybe you should take a shower or go sit in the hot tub.”
“Why?”
She paused. “You seem a little tense.”
I sighed. “I’m fine. Let me help you.”
She shook her head. “No, go relax.”
“How can I relax when I know you’re in here alone?”
Her lip quivered. “Olli, you need to calm down.”
I took a step back, shaking my head. “No, I need people to stop trying to control me.”
I felt useless.
And angry.
And tired.
I wanted to run on the treadmill or outside, but I couldn’t.
I went to my office and sat behind my desk. An envelope sat waiting for me. I picked it up and turned it over. I wanted to ignore my gut. I had a bad feeling about whatever was inside. A day like this could only get worse. There was no chance it was a check for a million dollars or a contract extension.
I slid my finger under the seal and opened it. I hesitated for a minute before pulling the folded paper out.
The instant I saw the logo I knew. My heart pounded against my chest and my vision narrowed. I could only see one horrible word at a time.
Legendary Athletes was dropping me. A multimillion-dollar endorsement. Gone.
One stupid injury and they thought my career was over?
I threw the paper to the ground then stared at my desk. The MVP statue from last year’s all-star game stared at me. Mocking me. Laughing at how far I’d fallen in such a short time.
Before I could reconsider, it was in my hands then thrown across the room. It hit the bookshelf taking it down with it. Priceless memorabilia clattered to the ground.
I didn’t care.
It felt too good to feel bad about it.
”Olli?”
Emma’s voice sounded a world away.
I picked up my first game puck from the edge of my desk and stood. I stared at the framed pictures decorating the wall. Moments of my career. I threw the puck as hard as I could aiming for my first NHL game. The glass exploded in a million pieces.
I felt like I could breathe again.
The door to the office swung open and Emma entered with Jackson in her arms. Still howling.
“Olli, what’s going on?” She sounded desperate.
I glanced at her, but it was
n’t enough to break the spell.
I hobbled to my trophy case and picked up an old college award. The weight in my hands was so much more gratifying than a game winning save. I didn’t bother choosing a target. I just pulled my arm back and threw it as hard as I could against the wall.
“Olli!”
I grabbed the next trophy and threw it. I did this with the remaining memorabilia. Over and over and over.
When the case was empty, I froze. Slowly the world came back into focus. I heard screaming and crying. Not just Jackson. I turned and stare to Emma who was holding Jackson tightly to her chest and sobbing.
I scanned around the room. Glass. It was everywhere. The walls had dents and holes. The carpet was a landmine of shards of glass and metal and wood.
I stared at my hands. Blood.
How did that happen?
“Olli?” Emma’s trembling voice barely carried across the room.
Her expression was desperate.
I dropped my hands and stepped away from my desk.
She stepped back and I froze. “Emma?”
She shook her head, tears running down her cheeks.
“I’m so sorry,” I said. “I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why I did that.”
“You didn’t hear me. I was yelling your name. Begging you to stop. You didn’t.” Her voice cracked. “What’s wrong with you?”
My body was trembling. “I lost Legendary Athletes.”
She pursed her lips as a tear rolled down her cheek. “So, you destroyed your office?”
I shrugged. I still couldn’t completely explain what happened.
“Olli, I know losing a sponsor is hard. I know how much you liked working with them, but this is not okay. You’re scaring me.” She paused. “Promise me this won’t happen again.”
It wasn’t really a question or even a command. It was a fact. I wouldn’t let it and she wouldn’t tolerate it.
“I’m sorry, Emma. I’m so sorry. I’ll clean this up.”
Her shoulders sagged and her eyes dropped to the ground before she turned. I listened as Jackson’s cries muffled as the bedroom door shut upstairs.
Seeing my wife walk off with my baby felt like a knife in my heart. What had I done? The destruction surrounding me didn’t make sense. I couldn’t believe I’d done it.
I’d never felt such rage before. It scared me.
11
Emma
I had no idea what to do next. I sat on my bed and cradled Jackson to me. He was still crying. I couldn’t remember what silence sounded like anymore. I picked up my phone and debated on what to do. Should I call Chloe, Erik, or Coach?
I don’t know what was going on with Olli, but that violence—him thrashing his office— wasn’t okay, and it couldn’t happen again. He’d scared me, it was like he wasn’t even in the room with me. He seemed lost. I hit Chloe‘s name and held the phone up to my ear praying she would answer before I lost the courage.
She picked up after the first ring. “Hey girl. what’s going on?”
The sound of her voice made me cry. “It’s Olli.”
I choked out the two words and her voice turned serious. “What’s going on? What happened?
“He came home completely different. Coach is putting him on the injured reserve list and he’s not taking it well.” I fought back tears.
She sighed. “Well, what did he expect? He won’t be back for year.”
“I know, Madeline told me. I just didn’t expect him take it this hard, but I just watched him destroy his office. He picked up every trophy he had and threw them at the wall. There’s glass everywhere. I don’t know what to do or how to calm him down.”
There was silence for a beat. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head and groaned. “Chloe I’m not. I don’t know what’s going on and I’m kind of freaking out.”
I stood and started bouncing, trying to get Jackson to calm down. I could barely hear Chloe.
“I’m coming over right now, Emma.”
“No, it’s okay. I just needed to vent.” I sighed.
“Just hold on for me, okay? Just wait for me to get there and then we’ll figure out what’s going on. I’ll bring Reese with me. He can talk to Olli.”
I choked on a sob. She knew what I needed without me having to ask. “Thank you.”
“Emma, we’re going to get through this.”
She hung up and less than fifteen minutes later she texted me when they arrived. I hurried downstairs as if they had all the answers and solutions. The second I opened the door I was wrapped up in Chloe’s arms.
“We’re here.” She whispered in my ear then stepped back. “Now give me my little boy.”
I handed Jackson over, grateful for the reprieve. Reese patted my shoulder and walked down the hall to Olli’s office. He swore and then slammed the door shut.
“What’s the matter with you, Letang?” Reese’s voice boomed through the wall.
I cringed at his tone, but maybe tough love was what Olli needed right now. All I knew was that it was out of my control. My job was to protect Jackson and for the first time since meeting him, I didn’t trust my husband.
He wasn’t himself. I couldn't predict what he would do next, and it terrified me.
Chloe and I went back upstairs to Jackson’s room. I sat in the glider while she bounced him. Within a few minutes she had him calmed down and almost asleep. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.
“Babies can sense your stress,” Chloe whispered.
I watched her, gently swaying Jackson.
“It’s hard to calm down a baby when you’re not calm,” Chloe added.
I wanted to pull my hair out. How was I supposed to remain calm when he cried for hours on end? I closed my eyes and dropped my head. I should be able to handle this. I read the books. I met with the specialist. It was like everything I’d ever learned melted out of my brain weeks ago. I was on autopilot with all ability to think and reason taken away.
“I’m just so tired, Chloe.”
“I know.”
I opened my eyes and watched her lay Jackson down in his crib. He didn’t stir. It was a miracle.
Chloe waved toward the door and I followed her to my room. She pointed to the bed. “Sit.”
I followed without commenting that she was treating me like a dog.
“When it gets this bad you need to call one of us, Emma,” she said. “It’s not good for you or the baby.”
I nodded.
“I know today has been unusually challenging, but I need you to know we’re all here for you. Everyone on the team and in the Pride would drop anything and come if you asked. Don’t be stubborn and think that not asking is the best option. Not with so many people available.”
I knew she was right. If the rest of the girls were to catch wind of what happened today, they’d be annoyed I hadn’t called them earlier. But I needed to prove to myself I could do this mom gig. Just one day without help. But I couldn’t. I’d failed.
“I will,” I said.
She narrowed her eyes. “Promise me.”
I sighed. “I promise.”
She nodded once and sat next to me. “So, tell me what happened?”
I trembled at the memory. “He came home upset and I tried to talk him down, but it was like everything I said or did made it worse. He went to his office and a few minutes later I heard a bang, then another. I opened the door and he was picking up trophies and throwing them at the walls, at pictures, at jerseys. He’d lost an endorsement and he lost his mind, I guess. I tried to get him to stop but it was like he wasn’t there. At least not mentally. He had this blank expression and when he finally ran out of trophies he stopped and stared at me like he was just realizing I was there. Like he didn’t know what he was doing.”
Chloe shook her head. “There’s something wrong with him. Maybe it’s PTSD or stress or depression. I’m not sure, but he’s been different since the accident.”
I nodded.
&
nbsp; “Madi said he’s short tempered during training. He gets frustrated if any little thing doesn’t go right.”
“That’s not Olli.”
She reached over and squeezed my hand. “I know.”
Couldn't one, just one, piece of my life be normal right now? Couldn't one thing go right?
“Do you think…” She didn’t finish her thought.
“What?”
“Do you think he would be better at a rehab center?”
I turned toward her. “He’s not an addict.”
She shook her head. “No, I mean like a center that specializes in recovering from injuries and surgeries.”
My shoulders fell. “I can’t take care of Jackson alone, Chloe. I practically am already, but not having him around at all? I don’t know if I could do it.”
She nodded. “I get that, but you’re not alone. I will move in if I have to.”
I smirked, but she remained serious.
“I will,” she vowed. “Olli needs to get better. Mentally and physically.”
“He’d never agree to it.”
She was quiet for a moment. “He would if Coach suggested it.”
“You mean required it?”
She shrugged. “I’m not saying he has to leave tomorrow, but if something like this happens again, I wouldn’t hesitate to call in the big guns, if I were you.”
I didn’t want it to come to that. If it happened again, which I prayed it wouldn’t, I hoped Olli would realize for himself that something needed to change. It was wishful thinking, but I didn’t feel right sending him off. We needed each other. We’d always been a team. A pair. Incomplete without the other.
What happened to us?
I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes. Thoughts of our trip to Mexico before his car accident flashed through my mind. Walking on the beach at sunset, cuddling in bed as the morning sun woke us up, and laughing. We were always laughing together.
When was the last time either of us laughed?
We were supposed to be the stable couple in the group. The old married couple. The ones that had it figured out.
Now we were lost. Each day taking a step farther away from each other. I wanted to run back to him, to close the distance, but I didn’t know how.
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