I slid out of bed and checked my reflection in the bathroom.
I wasn’t one of the guys that grew a beard. It wasn’t a great look for me. Emma said I looked like a lumberjack, and not in the cute, burly way but in the unkempt, lives in the forest alone kind of way. She said I could be a predator. It had been weeks, since Mexico, that I’d shaved. I was a few more weeks away from looking like a nest for small woodland creatures.
I rubbed my hands over it and shrugged. No one cared about my appearance right now. I didn’t have any interviews or photoshoots in the near future. Might as well embrace it.
After showering and changing I put the brace back on and took a short walk to the arena. The best thing about Grant’s place, besides the fact it was one of the only places I was semi-welcome, was that it was across the street from work. It was over a shopping and entertainment center, like an outdoor mall, that had been going through a period of rejuvenation...for years. The apartments above the shops were still pricey, but Grant had gotten a deal when he agreed to announce he was moving in. The property management thought it would bring in new residents and business. I didn’t know how that worked out for them, but it sure was nice for us.
Three minutes after locking his front door, I walked into the arena. There wasn’t much that could beat that level of convenience. I loved our home and knew it was the right move for our family, but sometimes I resented the thirty-minute drive through downtown to get here.
At the rate things were going, I might have to look into getting my own place. Maybe I’d be Grant’s neighbor.
The thought made me sick. It was a real possibility.
If I didn’t get my crap together, I’d lose everything that mattered to me.
I rolled my head side to side to try to loosen up. It wasn’t to that point yet. I could still fight.
Madi seemed surprised when I opened the training room door. “Olli.”
I nodded.
She cleared her throat and put her hands on her waist. “Good to know you remember where this room is.”
I fought the urge to roll my eyes. “Of course I do. It’s the only place I get to spend quality time with my favorite PT.”
She glared at me for a few, long seconds. “I have a different client at this time.”
I scanned the empty room. “Where is he?”
The door opened behind me and I turned to see Brassard walk in. “Hey man.” He actually sounded happy to see me. Or maybe it was relief.
He didn’t seem injured, but just because he wasn’t limping didn’t mean he was fine. “What happened?”
He shot me a strange look, with narrowed eyes. “You didn’t see last night’s game?”
Suddenly the ground was the most interesting thing in the world. I hadn’t been watching the games, just reading highlights and reviews after. It was too hard to watch. To see someone in my goal.
“I missed it.”
Brassard nodded. “I took a hit into the boards, had to have my shoulder put back into place. It’s a little stiff today so I asked if Madi had time to work with me.”
I peered at her, and she shrugged. “I’ve been in here every day alone for the past week. Excuse me if I let someone else come in at your time.”
I shook my head. I couldn't and didn’t want to argue that. I’d wasted her time. Of course, she was going to help someone that actually wanted to be here. Someone that wanted her help and wanted to get better.
“It’s fine,” I said.
I could tell she was angry at me, and I wasn’t surprised. Not only had I blown her off, but she was Team Emma. I’m surprised she didn’t throw free weights at me when I walked in.
She sighed and shrugged. “I heard you have an appointment with Dr. Elliot. See if she can see you early. By the time you’re done we should be done in here. I’ll stay and we can do a session.”
I knew that meant she would be sacrificing time somewhere else. She only came to the arena to work with me as a favor. Coach didn’t like the details of injuries getting out and the best way to do that was to treat them in-house. She had other patients at her office. If she stayed, she’d be pushing back other clients. I knew she was the type to work late to catch up which meant time away from Erik.
I nodded, even though I didn’t deserve it. My friends - family - still believed in me. They were still willing to drop everything to help me. I couldn't wrap my head around it, but I wasn’t in the position to turn it down. Not if I wanted to heal. Get back on the ice. And get Emma to speak to me again.
“Thanks. I’ll see you guys later.”
I walked out and headed down the hall to where Dr. Elliott's office was. She wasn’t in all the time. Like Madeline, she had another practice, but had a contract with the team to work with us when we needed it. I wasn’t scheduled to meet with her for two hours, so I doubted she would be around or available.
I knocked on her door and took a step back when the door swung open.
“Olli.” Dr. Elliott didn’t sound too surprised to see me. “Come in.”
I checked her office, but it was empty. “Are you sure you’re not busy? I can come back.”
She shook her head, making her grey bob dance around her face. “I’m wide open this morning.”
I wanted to ask how that was possible. Why was she here without appointments when she could be at her normal office, but I didn’t want to know. I had a feeling it had to do with me. Which was an admittedly selfish thought, but stranger things had happened. Maybe Grant let Coach know he’s given me an ultimatum this morning.
“Please take a seat.”
I sank into the chair across from her desk. There was a sitting area with a couch and a few chairs, but I felt less comfortable with that set up than having her eye me from across her wide, oak desk.
“I’m glad you’re here, Olli.”
I wished I could say the same. “Thank you.”
She tilted her head slightly as she appraised me. “It’s been a while since we last spoke.”
I nodded. We had yearly check ins unless there was a reason for meeting. My year was coming up soon.
“I’m not going to bother asking you what’s been going on.”
My eyebrows shot up. “Really?’
She nodded. “It would be a waste of both our time. I know about your baby, the injury, the fights, and that you’re now sleeping on a teammate’s guest bed.”
Huh. I sat back and dropped my arms on the rests. “Well, since you know everything what’s your plan to fix me?”
She smirked. “I can’t fix you, Olli.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Only I can fix myself?”
She smiled and nodded. “That’s true, but also cliché and not the point. You’re not broken, Olli. You might feel like it, but you’re not. There’s nothing broken. You aren’t a problem to solve.”
I let out a sigh. It sure felt like it. “Then what am I?”
“You’re a man, father, and teammate whose going through a really hard time. You’re facing some trials, but we can work through those. I don’t believe people need to be fixed, healed sure, but fixing seems like there’s an easy repair. This isn’t a matter of gathering up the right tools and finding someone to come in and tighten some loose bolts or pipes.”
I gave her a weak smile. Maybe she was right, but it definitely felt like there was something broken in me.
“You can laugh all you want as long as you’re open to listening to me and putting in some work.”
I didn't have a choice, so I nodded. “Okay.”
“Good.” She rested her hands on the desk. “So, tell me what’s been going on.”
I narrowed my eyes. “You just said I didn’t have to do that. You already know.”
“I know what other people have told me and what I’ve seen on the news. I don’t have any idea what’s been going on in your mind. I don’t know your perspective.”
I closed my eyes and dropped my head. “What if I don’t want to relive it?”
“T
ough. You’ve done harder things before and survived.”
I gazed up and met her eyes. I’d always liked her. She was a no BS woman. She got to the point and didn’t waste time, so if she thought I needed to tell her I wouldn’t argue.
“It started when Emma went into labor.”
She sat back and nodded.
“I’ve never felt so scared or helpless in my life.” I shook my head thinking of the pain Emma went through, then her emergency C-section. I told her the amount of hours in the hospital that felt like days. How close Emma had come to dying. How vulnerable and desperate I felt as I watched the doctors and nurses work on her. The possibility of losing her and imagining a future without her. How terrified I was.
“All of that is incredibly normal, Olli.”
I nodded at her words. “I know and I was okay once we got home. Knowing they were both home and safe made it easy to forget how awful the birth was.”
She stared at me for a moment. “You think you moved on from it that easily?”
I shrugged. “I mean, it was traumatic at the time, but they’re both fine now. No need to dwell on what could have happened.”
I was being honest. It was all a bad memory now. Nothing to hold onto.
“Good. I’m glad you were able to move on from it.” She paused. “What about the injury? How do you feel about that?”
I clenched my jaw. That was the subject I didn’t want to discuss but I knew it was the reason we were both here. “I’m frustrated.”
She nodded. “Of course, you are. It derailed your plans.”
“Yeah and took me out for the entire season.” I had to remind myself to stay calm even though my blood pressure was higher than when I skated wind sprints.
“Are you angry at the player that hit you?”
“For a few minutes. I know even though the hit was intentional he didn’t mean to hurt me.”
Her eyebrows rose just a few millimeters. “That’s a very good mindset.”
I shrugged. “Injury is a risk that comes with my occupation. I’ve taken hits before and been on the injured list.”
“But not for this long?”
I shook my head.
“So, you’re frustrated. What else?”
Wasn’t that enough to sum it up?
“I’m angry I’m missing out of games. I hate that I’m letting the team down.” She nodded and wrote something down. I didn’t bother trying to see what. “I lost a major sponsor because of it.”
She met my eyes and frowned. “That’s what made you upset?”
So, she knew about the office incident? I wondered who told her.
I let out a sigh. “Yes.”
“I can’t imagine how that would feel to lose that sort of opportunity. I’d be angry too.”
I met her steady gaze. “Really?” Everyone else made it seem like I was crazy for being upset.
“Of course. Those are hard to get and they’re a major source of income for athletes. I’m sure you were worried about how it would affect your household.”
I nodded. “It’s not like we were depending on that money, but it was a loss we’ll feel. Emma constantly told me that we didn’t need to live with the level of comfort we had been. That she’d rather give more to charity and I was planning on doing that with the money from Legendary athletes. I wanted it to go toward the startup of our own foundation.”
She nodded. “I think your friends and family understand that.”
“They didn’t seem to that night.” I growled.
“I think they were more concerned about you. How you handled it.”
I stared down at my lap. It wasn’t my proudest moment. If I could take it back I would, but it felt like that was the moment things changed.
“There was another occurrence like that?” she asked.
I nodded. She already knew and I hated that she was going to make me talk about it. “It was a mistake. I was in pain. I was tired. It was a moment of weakness.”
She nodded like she understood.
“I would never hurt my family. I didn’t know where I was aiming. I wasn’t used to Jackson’s bouncer being there.” I peered up at her. “I swear I would never do anything to hurt them.”
She tilted her head again, the expression in her eyes gentle. “I know that, and I know your family does too.” She let that sink in for a moment. “But you have to understand how scared Emma was, and Kendall. Kendall did what she had to. She was just protecting Emma and Jackson.”
I nodded. “I know.”
“So, you’re not upset with her or your teammates?”
I shook my head. “I’m only upset with myself.”
She didn’t say anything for a while. “You need to forgive yourself, Olli. That’s the first step.”
I shook my head. “I don’t deserve it.”
“Yes, you do. You’re a good person, but you’ve been dealt a lousy hand lately. You might not have handled it as gracefully as you hoped, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve some mercy.”
I didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say. I didn’t agree with her. I didn’t deserve it.
“Olli. I want you to think about something.”
I peered up and nodded.
“I want you to think about whether or not you being out of Emma and your son’s life is really the best thing for them. Do you honestly think they are better off without a husband and father?”
I thought of Emma’s tired eyes and how hard it was to get Jackson to stop crying sometimes. I might not have been able to get up the stairs at night to help, but there were things I could do. Things I could do to take the stress off Emma.
“Think about that.” She picked up the papers in front of her and tapped them on the desk. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I nodded. ‘Thank you.”
I walked back to the training room and Madi nodded at me from where she was working with Brassard. I moved to the open area and grabbed a mat. I started stretching and considered what Dr. Elliot said. Was it better for Emma and Jackson that I was gone? The devil on my shoulder said yes. I wanted to believe him. It was easy to give into the sadness and self-pity, but I also knew I couldn’t survive without them. I hoped Emma felt that same.
15
Emma
“He seemed different after his appointment with Dr. Elliot.”
I nodded at Madi. She’d been telling me how surprised she was that Olli showed up today. I was just as shocked, but I was more relieved. It was the first time all week he’d left the room, from what Grant had passed along.
It hurt to know Olli was in such a dark place. I fought the instinct every second of every day to run to him and try to make it all better.
I couldn’t. He needed to find his way back on his own.
“He asked if I thought he should call you.”
I froze with my hand wavering over the chips Sasha dropped off. She even brought her homemade salsa. I was in heaven. Well, as close as I could get these days.
“What did you say?” I asked.
She paused. “I told him no.”
I let out a breath and reached for a chip, taking an extra-large scoop of salsa. “Okay.”
She moved until I was forced to look at her. “It might not have been my place to say that, but I’m looking out for you. I think he has a lot more work to do and he needs to focus on that.”
My eyes drifted to the corner of the living room where Jackson slept in his portable crib. She was right. I was ready to crack and tell him to come home, but I had someone else to think about now. I didn't want him around until he got ahold of his emotions and outbursts.
“You were right,” I said.
She searched my face before nodding once. “Today gave me hope that he’s making the effort. I won’t give up on him, Emma.”
“Thank you.”
She pulled me in for a hug and squeezed me.
“What’s going on in here?”
I stepped back at the sound of my mom’s voice. I
was so grateful she was here. I didn't want to know what loops Chloe had to jump through to get here so fast, or how much she spent. All that mattered was that my mom was here, and she was taking care of things.
“We’re just pigging out.” Madi waved a chip in the air.
“Oh good. I’m glad you found your appetite, Emma.”
I smiled and took another bite. My desire to eat and even shower had grown the longer she was here. Her presence was enough to help me sleep at night. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust the girls, but there was something different about knowing my mom was around to help and get Jackson at night. We were both eating and sleeping better with grandma around.
I just had to hold on to the new wave of positivity. I hadn’t cried in almost six hours. It was a record. The dark thoughts of not being enough and the guilt wasn’t suffocating me. I just prayed the good feeling would last.
Chloe walked in, carrying a box. She dropped it on the island and started pulling out binders, folders, and what I was pretty sure was a photo album. Who had those anymore? Everything lived on our phones or computers.
“What’s all this?” Mom asked, staring at me and Madi for an explanation.
“This is everything we need to plan the best gala yet.” Chloe said with a smile.
I groaned but Chloe didn’t hear me over her mumbling to herself.
Madi smiled and shook her head. “Is all of this really necessary? You’ve planned this fundraiser five times already.”
Chloe narrowed her eyes. “And they’ve gotten better each year, right?”
I nodded. “You’re right. They always top the previous year.”
Mom and Madi studied me like they knew I was lying but Chloe nodded and moved on, which was all that mattered.
“You do a wonderful job but I’m sure with how organized you are this will be a breeze.” I shot Madi a look and she instantly started nodding.
“You’re so right, Emma. We’ll get this all done today.”
Chloe snorted. “Yeah right. You can’t plan the perfect event in a day.”
“Watch me.” Madi mumbled low enough for only me to hear. I covered my mouth to hide my smile.
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