by P. J. McKAY
‘You head on up,’ I said to her. ‘Maybe I’ll catch you afterwards.’
‘Watch yourself,’ she said under her breath, before striding off.
I walked across. Stefan was standing, hands in his pockets, head down. ‘Hi,’ I said. ‘This is a surprise.’
‘Um, your uncle.’ He dug in his pocket and pulled out an envelope. ‘Here. He asked me to find you.’
I hadn’t seen Stefan since Proizd Island but Ivan had told me he’d enlisted for work shortly after the picnic. ‘Thanks,’ I said, making out that this was nothing out of the ordinary. Inside my heart was beating to a different rhythm. Stefan still seemed jittery. ‘How’s the new job?’
He shuffled from side to side. ‘Good,’ he said. ‘Tough at first but I’m a quick learner.’
‘One day at a time,’ I said, holding up the letter. ‘Thanks for this. Much appreciated. I’d best be off.’ I made to leave then stopped. ‘Stefan? If our family needs to get a message to Ivan, could you help? It’s tricky now I’ve broken up with Branko.’
‘Sure,’ he said, seeming to come to life. ‘A truck picks us up at eight each morning outside the hotel where the dances are. I’ll keep a look out, make sure Branko doesn’t see.’
I could have hugged him. ‘Thanks. I might see you tomorrow,’ I said, ensuring my voice didn’t betray my emotion. ‘I know Mama’s keen to get him a message.’
I strode off, thinking about how Stefan was such an unlikely saviour. The letter was like an itch on my palm. I slowed when I rounded the corner from the port to walk along the waterfront. Nada was up ahead, yet to turn up the hill for home. I darted into a side street and leant against the limestone wall of the Luka Posta, tearing the envelope open, my hands trembling. I lifted the half-sheet of notepaper out and held it to my lips. He’d written it by hand and I had to peer closely to make out his words in the dim light.
Draga, please don’t be angry.
I’ve tormented myself wondering what I could have done differently. I’m sure you have too. I had no choice but to leave and now we must be patient. You mustn’t anger your tata. I know this is possible, that you can be strong, it’s one of the qualities I admire most in you — as well as your beautiful eyes and smile, of course. I miss you so much, Jela, but I trust Stefan may prove a useful go-between. Can you see a way for us to meet again? There is talk they may send me back to Zagreb and so we may not have long. I long for your reply and to hold you again.
Yours, Ivan.
I returned the letter to its envelope and tucked it inside my coat pocket. When I walked up the hill towards home I felt both confused and thrilled. Of course I had to see him again, but what would it mean for us if he was sent away? I had to put my faith in him. He had succeeded in getting a message to me, and he would know what to do.
Tata, Mama and I sat around the dinner table in silence. Tata was business-like as usual, speaking to me only when required. I offered him little in return. We had been cohabiting like strangers over the past weeks and he seemed happiest avoiding me. Mama had retreated inside herself, but she at least would make small efforts to reconnect. At times I would let her in and for the briefest moment life would seem as it had been before. On the few times Josip and Mare joined us for a meal, Tata, Mama and I put on our best faces. Baby Jakob became our foil for all that rumbled beneath the surface, a bit-part player who innocently stole the limelight. We never told them the real reason for Ivan’s departure. They were fed the same story we told everyone else.
‘Caught up with Stipan Tomić from New Zealand today,’ said Tata, and I almost choked on my fish stew. He sounded almost cheerful and I jerked my head up, oblivious to who he was talking about. ‘Amazing how some things don’t change. You remember him?’ He was focused on Mama at the opposite end of the table. ‘My old school friend.’
I closed my eyes trying to block out Tata and remember who this person might be. The letter was in the pocket of my skirt and I imagined it as Ivan’s hand resting on my thigh.
‘So, neither of you have aged?’ said Mama, making an effort to sound cheerful too, wringing out this moment of connection.
‘Pity he couldn’t make contact earlier,’ said Tata. ‘They’ve been busy catching up with everyone. Thirty years now. Incredible.’
‘And our Marta?’ asked Mama, with what sounded like an edge to her voice.
‘You’ve been let off the hook,’ said Tata.
Mama’s laugh came like a tiny explosion, her hand covering her mouth.
Tata continued, serious again. ‘Stipan sends his apologies but Marta’s mama’s not been well. Marta’s spent most of her time there, apparently.’
‘Oh, that’s no good,’ said Mama. ‘Times like this she must feel a long way from home.’
‘It’s been tough, Stipan says.’
I chewed my food, concentrating on my plate. When Tata reached across and touched my arm I lurched back as though he’d branded me with a fire poker. ‘Stipan asked something specific,’ said Tata, frowning. He held my eye as I glared at him. ‘He could do with our help. His son needs a housekeeper. I told him we’d take him up on his offer.’
My mind reeled, trying to make sense of what he was saying.
‘What are you talking about, Ante?’ said Mama, looking horrified.
‘They need someone over in New Zealand. They can sponsor Jela. It will be an opportunity. A way to escape. A right for all her wrongs.’
My mouth went dry. It was impossible to swallow. Mama’s face looked drained of all colour but Tata continued, oblivious. ‘They live in Auckland, the largest city. Beautiful, so Stipan says. There’s a harbour just like here and a community of our own people. He’s made a life for himself. You could do the same, Gabrijela.’
‘No!’ I said. ‘I won’t! You can’t make me!’
‘Ante,’ said Mama. ‘We need to talk.’
‘The decision’s made. We’d be fools not to take him up on it.’
‘This is too much,’ said Mama, shaking her head.
‘Draga, I couldn’t be more serious,’ he said, fixing Mama with a stare. He banged his fist on the table and Mama and I both jumped. ‘Jela’s chosen to make her bed, and now she must lie in it. She should count herself lucky.’ He scraped back his chair. ‘We all should!’ He marched from the room and up the stairs.
I couldn’t stop shaking. How could he have looked straight through me? Mama came to sit beside me and wrapped me in a hug. ‘I’ll speak with him, Draga. We’ll find a way.’
I hated that her voice wavered and her face seemed painted with fear.
Ivan enlisting Stefan as a courier had been a stroke of genius — five days later the arrangements were in place. Our goats lay side by side under the pomegranate tree, the centrepiece of our small back garden. I used the excuse of taking the goats up to the hills to feed. The older goat hefted itself up and came towards me, its bell singing. It butted me with its head. They were just two of a long string of goats we’d had over the years. When I was much younger I’d given them names and thought of them as pets but the very act of naming forged a connection that inevitably ended in heartbreak. Now I just thought of them as goats.
‘Come on you,’ I said to the younger one, slapping my thigh to try and startle it into action. ‘Time to go.’ Why was it that on days when you had no time to waste these animals thought they had all day? I waited at the back gate and the older goat butted me again. ‘Lunch time, lazy,’ I called to the younger one, opening the gate. At last, the sound of its bell as it scrambled to its feet and followed me.
We picked our way up the narrow path, the goats following, their bells clanging. When we reached the main track they skipped ahead, stopping at every opportunity to sample the shoots which had pushed their way through the rock crevices. I hoped Ivan wouldn’t have trouble finding the cave I’d described. He’d only been there once, well before Dubrovnik, when I took him for a walk to show him where we’d played as children. It was the biggest cave, about half way up the hill b
ut far enough away from prying eyes.
I didn’t notice the steep climb. My body ached for Ivan’s touch, his caress, what we’d shared. Our enforced separation and our letters had only intensified these feelings. My guilt over what I’d done, how I’d ruined everything, was there like a wriggling worm but rather than despairing I was confident that Ivan would be able to stop Tata’s nonsense plan of sending me to New Zealand, that he was the one who could help me break free from Tata’s shackles.
We reached the cave and I tethered the goats, who seemed happy munching their way through the lower leaves of an olive tree. I perched on the rock ledge to the side of the cave’s entrance. My senses were on high alert but what I gazed out on looked dreary. The sky was a grey cloak and even the sea, usually the sky’s vibrant petticoat, seemed washed out as though the colour had faded. I peered hard across the ocean, wondering where Nova Zelanda was. It seemed impossible that at the furthest point on the horizon there were places tucked in behind. Another world. I imagined those places clinging on from underneath. Would it be possible to lose your grip? I didn’t have to worry about such things, I reassured myself. Ivan would have a plan.
One of the goats pricked up its ears and stopped grazing. My heart went crazy, but I hoped it was Ivan and not someone else choosing to take a stroll. It was impossible to see because the hillside was so steep that the path snaked up in hairpin bends. He rounded the corner and I was already racing towards him. It was odd that he wasn’t in uniform. I had thought it was a work day. Instead, he wore a dark-grey sleeveless vest over a light grey shirt and trousers.
‘Don’t be angry,’ I said, flinging myself into his arms. My words muffled against the thick wool of his vest.
He lifted my chin with his finger, holding it underneath so that I was forced to look him in the eye. ‘Jela, of course I’m not angry. You did what you thought was right. You couldn’t know he’d react like that. I know you hoped for better.’ His eyes searched mine and I felt a rush of relief.
‘I didn’t want us to be a secret,’ I said.
‘I know. But now you must be patient. Until we can be together again.’
‘But he wants to send me away! Far away. To New Zealand!’
‘Shush.’ He placed his finger on my lips. ‘We’ve more important things first.’ He wrapped me in his arms and kissed me and all my worries disappeared. He took my hand and pulled me towards the tangled curtain of green floating across the semi-circular cave entrance like a veil. ‘After you, Draga,’ he said, parting it and holding it back.
I gathered up my skirt and ducked to squeeze through the opening, beginning my crawl along the low passage. The packed earth felt gritty beneath my hands and knees and the air smelt like Tata and Josip’s woollen socks after a day on the boat. A steady stream of drops made a hollow echo from somewhere towards the rear of the cave. Plink, plink, plink, as if the drops were ricocheting off and landing in a puddle. I edged forward, one hand against the ceiling, searching for the point where the tunnel opened up, where you could stand at full height inside the cave. Ivan was behind me, his hand sometimes grazing my ankle as he reached forward too.
‘Are we nearly there?’ he whispered, as though someone might be listening.
‘Nearly,’ I whispered back. My hand gripped the edge where the rock face swept upwards and I edged forward, ensuring I was well clear of the tunnel before unwinding myself to stand tall. I blinked and twisted my head this way and that, waiting for my eyes to adjust. Tiny cracks of light slanted through the fissures in the cave’s ceiling and the rear wall of rocks loomed clearer. The dripping sounded louder too, a plunk more than a plink. Ivan pushed to stand beside me, taking my hand. I waited for his eyes to adjust.
‘Ah, Jela. I’ve missed you so much,’ he said, no longer whispering. He pulled me into his arms and wrenched my cardigan free from my shoulders, leaning in to kiss the crook of my neck, slipping the coarse wool further down. I freed my arms and his fingers traced the length of them. Undressing each other had never been part of our love-making before and all my nerve endings were jangling. I felt emboldened and looped my hands under his vest, tugging at his shirt to pull it free from his trousers, pressing my hands against his chest. It felt like a furnace. Ivan removed my skirt and then scrambled out of his vest while I unbuttoned his trousers. I took his penis in my hand, conscious of the dampness in my underwear. I pulled them down and stepped out, feeling brazen.
‘Only the very best for you, my princess,’ he whispered, pulling me onto the ground and cushioning his vest at my back. His fingers sought out mine and he passed me the condom. ‘Take your time, Draga. There’s no one to hear us.’
And in that cave, high above Luka, I experienced what I’d missed before. It was a beautiful surprise, reaffirmed as my echo resonated with his before softening and fading away.
Afterwards, as we lay cradled together, Ivan reached across for our clothes, draping them over us like a blanket. I didn’t want to move. Didn’t want to talk about the trouble I’d caused, how much I’d lost by telling the truth. ‘What can we do?’ I said, the cold creeping into my bones. ‘How can we stop Tata sending me away?’
Ivan pulled me closer. ‘Jela, he’s already spoken with me. I’m sorry, I had no choice.’ His words batted against my chest. ‘He came to see me the day your letter arrived. I agreed to cut a deal. It was the best I could do.’
‘What do you mean, no choice?’ I squeezed my eyes shut, as though this might block out his words. Ivan stroked my neck but it felt like a weak apology now.
‘If I help with your paperwork and the money for your fare, he’ll keep quiet about us. I can’t risk him talking to my superiors, Jela. My position would be at stake. They’ve offered me a promotion, signed me off from the road project. I’m leaving on the weekend for Zagreb.’
So that’s why he wasn’t in uniform. ‘No!’ I sobbed, thumping at the ground and turning my back on him. ‘How could you? What about me?’ I stared into the blackness, biting on my lip to hold back my tears.
‘You have to understand, Draga,’ he said, his voice a whisper again. ‘It would be curtains for my career if I didn’t agree.’ He leaned over and caressed the side of my face. ‘The higher up I go in the Party, the easier it will be for both of us. Surely you must know this.’
‘But you must be able to do more!’ I cried, my echo sounding sharp, desperate. ‘You’re abandoning me! Surely I’m more important than your stupid job!’
He sat up and the blanket of clothes slid off me. ‘That’s enough, Draga.’ His tone suggested the matter was closed. ‘You must be brave now, and patient. I promise I’ll come for you when I can.’
I curled myself into a tight ball, unable to stop the tears. He pulled his clothes on with sharp movements, like a knife cutting the air. All I was capable of was creeping further into my huddle of disbelief.
‘Here. You’ll catch a cold.’ I flinched at his touch but he pulled me to standing, passing my clothes across in a bundle. ‘Come on, don’t be silly. There’s always letters.’
He drew me close again but I held myself stiff then pulled back to start dressing. My limbs felt heavy and the sounds of the cave ominous as I dressed in silence. All my energy had drained out of me. What had felt so natural now felt awkward and wrong.
‘I want you to have this,’ he said, reaching for my hand and wrapping my fingers around what felt like a letter. ‘It’s a photo, and my new address. The photo’s not the best, I’m afraid. It was taken years ago, but hopefully you’ll still see the resemblance.’
Everything felt wrong. I needed more time. ‘But I have nothing for you,’ I said, a stupid thing to say since this wasn’t meant to be a farewell. It was as though I was playing a game where I didn’t know the rules. I was being polite when all I wanted to do was scream.
‘You’ve given me so much. How could I forget you?’ He kissed me on the cheek. ‘Jela, I have to go. My bosses are expecting me to make the last of the arrangements. Wait ten minutes and there won�
��t be a risk of us being seen together. I’ll take the long way into town to avoid the house.’ He was already on his hands and knees, making his way back towards the entrance.
I felt in a daze, still denying this was happening. He called back part-way along, ‘Remember that I love you, Jela. That’s the most important thing. To hell with the rest of them.’
I wrapped my arms close trying to capture those last words and hold them tight. They were all I had left, that and his photo. There was a flash of light as he parted the foliage to push through the opening — and then he was gone and I was left in the darkness, numb.
The goats bleated their farewell from somewhere outside. For the longest time I couldn’t bring myself to move. When I did, my foot brushed up against something soft on the floor and I reached down to retrieve his vest. I held it to my face to drink in the smell of him again, reassuring myself of his promise. This would give me the strength for what lay ahead.
Outside, I hid his vest inside my cardigan then trudged off home, my mind a blur. When I reached our gate my eyes stung with tears. There was our pomegranate tree, now stripped of fruit. Would this have been my last year for witnessing our family’s annual entertainment — our game of who would get to the fruit first, us or the goats? From October, it was always our challenge to remove any object lying close enough for the goats to climb onto; they relished nothing more than to crane their necks and pluck the ruby ripe fruit. There were so many things I realised now I would miss, so many things I wished I had paid more attention to over the past year. The goats crowded close and I patted their soft pelts, pushing my tears away. Ivan was all that I had. I had to trust in his judgement.
It wasn’t until I was back in my bedroom that I remembered the condom. Ivan wouldn’t have taken it but I couldn’t bear to return. Just as those caves had harboured secrets which Branko, Josip, Nada and I had discovered as children, that condom might also become a wicked find for some other child, a source of speculation and wonder. I was certain, though, that no matter how imaginative the finders might be, they could never concoct a story that would even come close to the truth.