by Karen Deen
“Sing to me, Jacky boy,” Anna says. “I’m not going to see you for a long time while you’re on your adventure, so I want to remember your beautiful voice.” I can see her eyes in the rearview mirror with tears leaking from them. She has loved these two like her own and been the only person I truly trusted in my life.
Jack looks up at the stars out the back window of the car. Singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star over and over again. This song will forever be my song of hope, as I also wish upon the stars above to keep us safe and find a life worth living.
Standing at the bus door, I don’t have long to say my goodbye.
Anna starts to really cry now, and we both hug tightly which starts Kayla crying.
“Know that you are loved, precious girl. No matter what. I will always be here. I don’t trust this brother of yours, but then he can’t be any worse than Edward. Just be careful.” She looks me straight in the eyes and finishes with possibly the last words I will ever hear from her. “You are beautiful inside and out and have more strength than you realize. Don’t ever forget that. You are going to do amazing things in this life, I just know it. One day you will find a nice man, and don’t let your fear of the past hold you back.”
My tears are really flowing now. I can hardly speak.
“Thank you. For everything. I will never forget you.” Hugging her again quickly, I pull back and take Jack’s hand. “I don’t know how, but somehow I will let you know we are okay. Just look for a twinkling star.”
I then push Jack to step up into the bus, and I follow him with Kayla and our bags. The bus doors closing behind us. Taking a seat, Jack is already kneeling on the seat and waving at Anna outside. I can’t believe we made it. Feeling the bus start to move, I blow Anna a kiss, watching her wipe her tears and trying to smile and look happy for Jack. She slowly disappears into the night as we pull out onto the road and start our adventure trip to Chicago.
I don’t know if I’m making the right decision, but I’m following my gut. Surely Bent, the brother I never knew I had, will look after me and help me find my feet. He promised he would take care of us and give us a place to live until I can afford something of my own. He even said he found a job for me and would explain more when we got there. He is doing so much for us, and really, my life couldn’t get any worse, so trusting him poses no greater risk, surely?
It's still crazy to believe, after all these years, I have a brother.
Bent started coming into the diner and talking to me a few times over the past couple of months. Then one day he asked me if he could talk to me. I was hesitant because men make me nervous. But I figured everyone was around us so I should be safe. He then dropped the bombshell that he was my brother and that he had tracked me down through the foster system and then my marriage license details. He knew everything about my mother and how she left me on a step. My date of birth and the house address where I was abandoned. He knew too much for me not to believe him although we look nothing alike. He even told me to go home and get over the shock and he would come back tomorrow. He was on a vacation from his job as a chauffeur and came to find me.
The next day he came back again and said he wanted to take me away from here. To help me and the kids have a better life. If I could get to Chicago he would look after me and we would be safe. After thinking about it, I decided his appearance might the universe’s way of getting me out of danger. What did I have to lose? Life couldn’t get any worse than it already was. Plus, he was family, one I didn’t know I had. He wouldn’t come looking for me if he didn’t want me in his life. Would he?
After the bus drives for a little while, the excitement of the night catches up with Jack, thank goodness, and he falls asleep on the seat next to me with his head in my lap. Kayla has settled down again and is fast asleep on my chest in her pouch.
Again, I stare out the window and wish on a star.
Not for me but for my kids.
I wish for a better life for them.
Kayla’s crying brings me out of my daydreaming that’s more like a memory of a reoccurring nightmare. The first few days in Chicago gave me a false glimmer of hope, but all too quickly I’m right back where I came from. I may live in a classy building and nice apartment, but the rest is the same old crap. Now I have two dangerous men in my life, I fear. One I’m hiding from and the other that is threatening to tell him where I am. How did I fall into this trap again?
I drag myself up from the floor and wipe my face to try to look normal for the kids before I open the door. Kayla’s still crying and working herself up to that higher pitch she gets when she’s being ignored. I look for Jack as I walk to the playpen and pick her up. The crying stops instantly.
“Jack, where are you, buddy?” Walking towards his room, I notice the front door of the apartment open. My stomach drops.
“Jack?” I yell louder, running into his room and then mine.
Fuck, he’s gone. Racing into the hallway, I see the elevator numbers counting down as it reaches the ground floor.
I run and thump the button repeatedly, trying to get the car back to my floor so I can get down there.
What if he leaves?
What if Bent takes him?
Or anyone, for that matter?
“No, no, no. Come on, elevator,” I yell. Please, baby, just wait for Mommy, I’m coming for you.
The doors open, and I’m in and slapping the door closing button and the ground floor over and over again.
I can’t lose Jack.
It’s my job to protect him.
So far, I’ve done a shit job, but please give me another chance, Universe.
Please keep him safe.
The doors open, and I gasp as I see him in her arms.
Rushing forward, I grab him from her.
You can’t have him, bitch.
He’s mine.
You got the charmed life. You have it all, but you aren’t getting the one thing in my life that is worth more than all your money.
Squeezing him so tightly, my heart slows a little. He’s safe. You have him, he’s safe. I keep repeating it in my head.
I hear her soft voice. “Jack, is this your mom, Mia?”
He starts to nod as I jerk a little.
Shit, does she know I’m her sister? Has she known all along? Bent will kill me if he finds out that I’ve blown the cover. He didn’t tell me about her until we arrived in Chicago, but from what I know, I don’t want her near me or my kids.
“How do you know my name?” I snap without even thinking.
“It’s okay, Jack and I were just chatting until you came. I didn’t want him to wander off and get lost. He told me. My name’s Paige, by the way.” I know who you are, I think in my head. Bent told me how awful you are, yet there is something weird being so close to her. A funny feeling, I’m not sure what it is. I quickly dismiss it because I know I need to get away from here.
“What have I told you about talking to strangers, Jack? You can’t tell them our names. We have to go.” I stand up tall, taking his hand.
“Wait, please, let me help you. I think you’re in trouble and need some help.” She looks at me weirdly. “If you’re in danger, we can help to keep you safe. My boyfriend is military, we can help you.” I don’t want to hear all this. It’s lies, all lies. No one helps me. They just promise me the world and deliver hell instead. I bang the elevator button trying to get it to open back up.
“Please, Mia, is someone hurting you?” She’s almost begging me to listen.
The doors open, and I quickly drag Jack in with me. My heart now racing as I try to get away from her and whoever that man coming behind her is. She has no idea what she’s saying. She is helping to destroy my life again. Trying to block her words out, I say the only thing that makes sense to me.
“You can’t save me from you,” I mumble as the doors close again.
I know I need to run again.
Just this time, I can’t.
I used every bit of money I had last time
and now I’m stuck.
I know I promised not to cry in front of Jack again, but I can’t stop the tears from falling.
I’ve never felt so trapped in my life, and I have no idea how to get out.
“Mommy, I’m sorry I made you mad like Bent. The lady was being nice to me, cause I was scared.”
I can’t say a word. I just need to get back to the apartment and shut the door on the world. Hold my kids and pray that I can figure something out soon.
Jack stays silent the rest of the ride thinking he’s in trouble, so he’s not about to speak.
Once we’re in the apartment again, with the door closed and locked, I just flop onto the couch and think about what the hell just happened.
Everything Bent has told me about Paige has made her out to be some awful woman. Yet she was so gentle with Jack and trying everything to give me some help. She seemed to know that something is not right in my life. How the hell would she know that?
“Jack, come here, little man. Come sit with Mommy.” He slowly crawls up and into my lap.
His bottom lip quivering.
“Sorry, Mommy,” he whispers, looking down into his lap.
“Oh Jack, it’s okay. But why did you leave and go down in the elevator?”
“I got mad that Bent made you cry again. I wanted to yell at him and tell him he is a meanie and leave my mommy alone.”
My precious boy. Why is my four-year-old the only man who has ever stood up and fought for me.
“Jack. Mommy needs to look after you. I’m the big person. So, don’t worry about me. Please don’t leave this apartment again without telling me. Do you understand? It’s very dangerous.”
“But I’m big now. I’m four.” As he holds up three fingers to me.
“Yes, and that is much bigger than when you were three. But Mommy is thirty-eight, which is a lot bigger than that. So, let me be the one to tell Bent he is a meanie and you can just look after Kayla for me, which is a very important job for a big brother. Is that a deal?” He starts nodding with a big smile on his face.
“I’ll be the bestest big brother ever.” I hope so, Jack. Because my brother has turned out to be a selfish asshole. To be honest, you might be the only chance she’s got.
Squeezing him tight, I pray that they never know the hurt that a family can bring. Growing up, all I wanted was to have a family. Someone who belonged to me. To love and be loved back. That you shared something with, that no other human on this earth has. The same DNA. The thing that is supposed to give you such a strong bond, it can’t be broken no matter what.
How naive I was.
It’s almost a twisted fairytale. The happy ending you imagined is just a horror story after all.
Just because we share common genes does not make us the same. I could never treat another person like Bent has treated me. And from the stories he’s told me about Paige and how she turned her back on our mother when she needed her, then I’m damn sure I don’t want any sort of relationship with her either.
But as the thoughts of Paige go through my head, there is some little part of me that just keeps rethinking the stories I’ve heard. I can’t put my finger on it but there’s something niggling at me.
I push it to the side.
My past track record shows that I’m a hopeless judge of character.
Every boyfriend I ever had turned out to be a scumbag.
My husband.
Now my brother and perhaps my sister.
Maybe I’m just too trusting or gullible. Anna told me to be careful of Bent, she hadn’t trusted him. I know I could call her, and she would get me back home, but I’m too embarrassed. Plus, I can’t let Edward know where the kids are.
He threatened if I took his meal tickets away, he would kill them. He would hunt me down and kill them. He knows that if I fear for their safety that he holds the power over me. I knew then, that I was going to run and never look back.
What man would ever speak about his children like that. I don’t know what I ever saw in him. Another of my bad judge of character moments. That and some very good acting skills on his part until he had me in his bed. He said all the right words and did all the right things to convince me he was different.
Oh, he was different alright. Pity I didn’t find that out until after I was pregnant with Jack and he had convinced me we needed to get married straight away. No son of his was going to grow up a bastard child.
I just didn’t realize he was the bastard.
That revelation came later when the ‘honeymoon period’ wore off. A crying baby, a wife who was useless because I wasn’t interested in sex and couldn’t go out and work to get more money for him. Apparently, every other woman he knew spat out a baby and was at work the next week. There was something wrong with me, which he was happy to tell everyone he knew.
When I went back to work with Anna, she would give me longer shifts so I could sleep in the middle in the back room and feed Jack. She tried to tell me then, to leave Edward. But he was the only family I’d ever had, and I thought in his own weird way he loved me. Otherwise why would he marry me and have a baby together. I kept making excuses that he was stressed about money or tired from working so hard because he would come home so late at night. He must be working overtime to make sure we had enough money.
It wasn’t until I overheard him and his friend talking about the much-younger woman he went home with the night before and fucked until her father came home and kicked him out. They both laughed that she was a much better fuck than me because at least she let him bang her ass too.
I slunk back into the apartment and made sure he didn’t hear me.
That was the first night I thought about leaving.
It took me four more years to find the courage that I didn’t know I had.
Now I need to dig deep and find that strength that Anna told me she sees in me.
I didn’t think I’d need it so soon, but I can’t see another option.
Looking down at my kids now playing on the floor together, I know it’s my only option.
Time to wish upon a star again.
Maybe this time I need to find a twinkling one.
Not one that is shooting in the wrong direction.
There has to be a star out there with my name on it.
I have to keep believing.
There is no other choice.
Chapter Four
LEX
Visiting my mother is always like visiting the First Lady. You can’t just arrive unannounced. She needs notice, and way more than five minutes. I look at my friends’ families and don’t think they appreciate the normalcy of their lives with their parents. Growing up in this life was all I knew, and everyone around me was the same.
Be seen not heard.
Speak only when spoken to.
Perform like a monkey on cue, and god forbid don’t embarrass your family by making a mistake.
Win at all costs and be the best.
Never show public displays of emotions. No matter if you are a child and have just fallen and hurt yourself. I can still hear those awful words.
Men don’t cry, Alexander.
Looking back now, I realize how fucked up that sort of life is, and if I’m ever lucky enough to have children, they will never live like that.
They will have ice cream for breakfast.
Play in the mud and then run it through the house.
Laugh and giggle while I chase them through the yard.
Say the silliest things at the most inappropriate time.
Make disgusted sounds while they watch me kissing their mother like she is the only air I can breathe.
Pulling up in the white pebble circle drive in front of my parents’ home, I drop my head back on the seat. I don’t know where all those thoughts came from. I’ve never really thought about a family in my life. The way my mother has my life mapped out, it didn’t really fit in. All I knew was that if I was going to follow that path, there would never be room for love, let alone
children. I would not put them through being a token trophy family. I lived that life, and I won’t do it to anyone else.
Yet recently watching each of my friends discover there is that possibility of something more, I find myself confused as to what I really want. For thirty-five years of my life I have been told what my life will be. It was easier to just agree. I learned from a very young age watching my father, that to do as mother wanted made life a happier place. But today will be the start of me standing my ground and finally saying no.
Sitting in my car I sound brave, but I know my upbringing will weigh me down as soon as I walk in through those front doors.
Looking towards the front stairs, remembering hearing the crunching of the pebbles under my feet, I’m taken back in time to the little boy who just wanted to be shown love. I don’t doubt my mother loves me, she’s just never shown it. I’m not even sure she knows how to.
“Alexander Jefferson the third, stop those tears this instant. Look at the mess your blood has made on the white pebbles. Get inside and get cleaned up while I sort out your mess. Charles, have the groundskeeper replace those pebbles now. I can’t have people seeing blood and thinking we are dirty people.” Mother’s voice is so loud when she yells.
Trying so hard to stop my tears, I look up at her. It really stings. The blood is still dripping down my leg from where I scraped my knee trying to climb the tree in the yard. Why doesn’t she make it better? Reaching the back door to the house because I dare not enter the front door, Nanny Sue is there waiting with her arms open. Hugging me, she wipes my tears with her apron.
“It’s okay, Alexander. You are very brave. I know that hurts. Let me get a special bandage that will make it all better.” Sitting me down on one of the kitchen chairs, she cleans me up and puts band-aids on the scratches. “Now run upstairs and get changed before your mother sees that you have ripped your pants. I will have some cookies and milk waiting for you when you come back down.”
Walking upstairs, I hear my mother and father arguing.