“Well son of a…”
Of course that was when the explosion came. The bodies flying in every direction from the ship plowing into them were nothing compared to the way they went flying when there was a massive explosion ripping through their ranks from a bunch of big crystals going up at once. It took out a good chunk of the Horizon army all at once, and even the goblins and Horizon Dawn people fighting stopped and stared.
I stared up at the fireball rising into the sky in what I was pretty sure was the first mushroom cloud to grace this game, then I got down and breathed out in the training we’d gotten in case a nuke hit the arcology a moment before the shockwave reached me with all the accompanying rocks and other nastiness that came with setting off an earth shattering kaboom like that.
Though I supposed it wasn’t exactly earth shattering. It was shattering whatever the hell they called this planet. I’d have to look it up sometime.
“Holy shit,” Kris said, sounding awed. “What the fuck did you do?”
“I figured if my ship wasn’t going to make it then I might as well do something with it,” I said with a chuckle.
“You made it?” Keia asked. “How the hell did that work?”
“With a little help from a friend,” I said, coughing just a bit in the cloud of dust that billowed around me.
He stood again and turned to look at Horizon. And was a little annoyed to see that they still had a good chunk of their people in place. Enough that they could cause some trouble. Especially since that explosion had knocked down the front ranks of Horizon people and my goblins who were just starting to get up.
Everyone on that line looked dazed, but Horizon had more people and the ones who weren’t dazed were slowly picking their way through their friends who’d been knocked on their collective asses.
“Son of a bitch,” I growled. “Is there ever an end to these motherfuckers?”
“They’ve been slowing down since we started taking their shit,” Kris said through party chat. I had no idea where she or Keia were in that crowd. “But they’re still coming.”
“Okay, in that case we need to…”
Something slammed into me and sent me tumbling. I rolled a few times, enjoying the pain shooting through me with every tumble, and came up to find myself face to face with none other than Torian, surrounded by more Horizon Dawn people who were streaming down from the ring mines behind us.
“Motherfucker,” I growled. “I knew those ring mines would bite me in the ass!”
A group had surrounded Korsob and his goblin aviators, and they all had their hands up looking ridiculous as Horizon Dawn assholes held swords down at them.
“Torian!” I said. “So are you ready to surrender yet?”
Torian pulled his sword out and pointed it at me. Sure his armor was battered and dented, but it was still functional and he looked like he was about ready to use some of that function to make me have a very bad day.
“Get him!” Torian shouted, then started to run at me.
I was gratified to see that the rest of his army seemed to be having second thoughts about attacking me. Maybe I’d pulled victory from the jaws of defeat so many times they were afraid of seeing what I might pull this time around.
The last army that ran at me when I seemingly didn’t have any defenses had gotten blown the fuck up by gems buried underground, after all.
Only this time I truly didn’t have anything. I didn’t have offensive abilities because I’d been putting all my time into leveling crafting skills. My goblin army wasn’t going to do me a damn bit of good because they were shellshocked from an explosion I’d created and about to be under attack by less shellshocked Horizon troops.
I was fucked, and the longer I stood here without pulling something out of my ass to save said ass, the more the army arrayed against me from the ring mines seemed to realize I wasn’t the threat they thought I was.
That wasn’t good. The troops behind Torian let out a yell that seemed to channel all the anger and rage they were no doubt feeling at finding themselves in the middle of one hell of a nasty turkey shoot where so far they’d been the turkeys getting their feathered asses shot off.
So I did the only thing I could think of. I turned and ran as fast as my virtual legs would take me towards the dungeon entrance.
79
Ass Saving
I screamed at the top of my lungs as arrows landed all around me. Either the people shooting those arrows weren’t as skilled as they should’ve been, or they were trying to freak me the fuck out by hitting me with the Rickon Stark experience.
Either way I didn’t care for running while a bunch of assholes did their best to make me into a human pincushion.
“I should’ve never got on that airship!” I yelled into party chat.
“You hear that?” Keia asked.
I perked my ears up, but it was difficult for me to hear much over the sound of my feet hitting the ground, my blood pumping through my ears, and the ever present roar of that crowd behind me out for my blood.
“What am I listening for?” I asked, suddenly feeling like I was taking the bait in some joke.
“The sound of nobody disagreeing with you,” she said. “We’re getting pushed back by their main body, so we’re not going to be able to save you!”
“Thanks so much for the help,” I growled.
The dungeon entrance was getting closer. Though it looked like no dungeon entrance I’d ever seen before. Usually they were smaller and funneled gamers into a loading screen, but this thing was massive. Wide enough that players could fit an entire raid group through the thing at once.
Then again dungeons in this game weren’t instanced, so it’s not like anyone would be stepping into a loading screen to begin with. No, they’d merely be stepping into something that looked like the rest of the game since the dungeon was as persistent as the rest of the world.
And as I got closer I saw something odd. Movement coming from the darkness just inside the dungeon. I slowed, then came to a stop.
It was over. Torian must’ve gotten some of his people into the raid dungeon before he revealed himself. Which meant those assholes would be waiting in there to kill my ass. Probably led by Gregor and Kravos who I hadn’t seen out with the main fighting group.
Great. Just fucking great.
“You stopped,” Keia said, no doubt consulting her minimap and looking at everyone in our group. “Why the fuck did you stop when you’re running from those assholes?”
“Because they have people in the dungeon,” I said. “They’re going to kill me no matter where I go.”
“Fucking great,” Keia said.
I turned to face the army behind me. At least I could see them coming. They roared as they saw me just standing there, but then they seemed to slow down. As though they were afraid of approaching me, but we’d already established a few minutes ago that I wasn’t much of a threat to these pricks. So why the hell would they be slowing down when they could steamroll me with their jackass zerg rush?
“What?” I asked, throwing my arms out. “Are you trying to taunt me or something? Very fucking funny!”
Something else odd was going on. Torian was out in front of his army screaming. Like this sudden stop wasn’t all part of the plan and he was royally pissed off that they weren’t listening to his orders. I was close enough that I could see Torian’s face turning several different shades of purple as he screamed at his men.
“What the…”
A new yell came up from behind me. Though it it didn’t sound like Horizon Dawn people meeting up with their friends.
That yell was followed by another noise though. Cheering. Triumphant cheering coming from the other side of Torian’s army. I felt a tingle and turned, thinking maybe I wasn’t going to see the Horizon reserve army he’d been expecting after all.
Sure enough there was an army there cheering and running for me from the darkness of the dungeon, but it wasn’t the army I’d expected. I stared at a bunch
of goblins armed to the teeth. Small goblins with swords who looked like they meant business but wouldn’t be that difficult to take out. Larger goblins and even things that looked like trolls that said not only was I looking at monsters, but I was looking at elite monsters who were going to be a hell of a lot more difficult to take out than the regulars.
Behind that were even more fearsome things. The kind of creatures that would lurk in the depths of a raid dungeon to challenge raids gathered together to take them out in sequence, because that’s how the game was played. Only all of those monstrosities were gathered in one place, and they were all moving in on the Horizon Dawn crew at once.
And behind all of that was one creature that I recognized. The goblin king, complete with his oddly coiffed blonde hair that wouldn’t be out of place on the cover of an ancient Poison album.
The goblin king had come out of his raid dungeon, and it looked like he’d brought friends. Friends who were high enough level to challenge a full raid of players, and they were all descending on the Horizon Dawn army and laying into them.
I watched in awe as the goblins streamed around me and slammed into Torian’s raiders. They pressed into them and steamrolled them. A cheer went up from the original goblin line as the dungeon creatures continued moving like a tsunami of monsters that slammed into the goblin lines and washed over Horizon Dawn as my goblins from the Underground cheered and laid into Horizon Dawn as well.
“Holy fucking shit,” I said.
“Holy fucking shit is right,” Keia said. “Talk about saving your ass at the last moment.”
“Yeah, but I wasn’t expecting that,” I said.
“Are you really complaining as long as your ass is getting saved?” Keia asked.
I shook my head as I looked at the carnage before me. The airship that’d been chased away was back, firing into the Horizon Dawn army. Though it looked like they were mostly aiming for the rear where there wasn’t a chance they’d hit the goblin army.
It’d never occurred to me that there might be a sizable army within the raid dungeon. An army that could do some damage because it was made up of all the high level nasty creatures that always lived in a dungeon. Creatures that were meant to be taken on one at a time, or in small groups.
These creatures were different, though. They could think for themselves to a degree. Or at the very least they could follow orders from an NPC that was capable of thinking for himself. And that NPC pulled up next to me on a massive dais being carried by a bunch of hulking creatures that looked like they should be taking a starring role in those ancient Lord of the Rings movies.
I managed not to laugh or smile despite the goblin king’s ridiculous hair. Whoever designed the king had clearly been having a little bit of fun with the goblin king’s name and look, and I’d since watched Labyrinth with Keia so I was in on the joke now.
Something told me the goblin king wouldn’t appreciate me laughing because he happened to resemble a pop star from the late twentieth century whose most iconic movie role ended up being a litmus test for the sexuality of several generations of children based on how they reacted to the bulge on display.
For example. Keia was absolutely head over heels for the movie goblin king. I thought he was cool, but not the pure sex that Keia saw when she looked at the screen.
Not that I was complaining considering she’d gotten worked up enough that we ended up making good use of the privacy of the king’s chambers in the Underground which I’d commandeered for my own use. Giggity.
Whatever. There was a real goblin king in front of me now on that dais. Or as real as he could get considering he was a figment of some game designer’s imagination brought to life.
“I thought you might need some help,” the goblin king said, offering me a hand.
I looked at that hand for a moment and finally took it. The goblin king pulled me up onto his dais with a surprising strength. I’d been expecting something weaker what with how fat and old the guy was, but it was clear there was muscle under there as well.
Then again that made sense. The goblin king was supposed to be one of the nastiest monsters at the bottom of a dungeon that was already chock full of nasty monsters. He was the raid boss of a nasty raid dungeon, so it stood to reason that he’d have some strength to back that up.
The goblin king looked out over the battle. More particularly he looked at the dwindling numbers of Horizon Dawn players at the center of an ever increasing number of goblins.
“This is impressive what you’ve pulled together here,” the goblin king said. “Very impressive indeed.”
“Thank you,” I said. “I’ve sort of made it my life’s work to fuck over anyone working for Horizon, and this is my crowning achievement so far!”
Though it was only part of my crowning achievement. The real achievement was on the Auction House where I was really going to stick it to those motherfuckers now that I had a manufacturing base set up in the Underground.
“You know I think I like you,” the goblin king said. “You’re one of the travelers, to be sure, but you work for us. Why is that?”
“Because there are powerful people in this world who want to push other people around, and I don’t like that.”
The goblin king stared at me like he was weighing me to see if I was worthy. Finally he grinned and held out his hand.
“I think we need to work together, human,” he said. “I never thought I’d find myself making an agreement with a traveler, but you’ve make it clear you’re not like the others. Plus you’re bloodthirsty when it comes to killing your own.”
He glanced out to the battle that was winding down now. There were still occasional screams from Horizon Dawn people being cut down, but with the addition of a whole raid dungeon to the fight they were getting fewer and farther between. Clearly the battle was almost over, and we’d won the day.
I took the king’s hand, and this time around I wasn’t at all surprised to get a notification.
Congratulations! The goblin king has offered you a Writ of Nobility for the town of Nilbog! Do you accept? (Y/N)
“Holy shit,” I breathed into party chat, staring at the prompt.
Sure I’d suspected there was some additional requirement to get that Writ of Nobility, but I never would’ve thought that it involved killing a bunch of Horizon Dawn people and gaining the allegiance of an NPC who was supposed to be a raid boss, and not someone you entered into agreements with.
I’d just done a James Kirk and found an alternate solution to a no-win scenario. Thinking outside the box had brought me to some interesting places once more.
“What is it?” Keia asked in party chat.
“I’ve just been offered the Writ of Nobility for Nilbog,” I said.
“That’s amazing,” Kris said. “You’re taking it, right?”
“Fuck yeah I’m taking it!” I whooped.
“What say you?” asked the king. “I’ll warn you this isn’t the kind of offer I make lightly, and…”
“Yes!” I said, and the indicator on the choice in front of me glowed for a moment to let me know I’d made my choice.
“Well then,” the goblin king said, grinning and throwing his arms wide. He surprised me by pulling me into one heck of a bear hug, and a bear hug backed by the full physically imposing power of an NPC that’d been designed to take on entire raids was powerful indeed.
The goblin king put me down just as I was on the verge of losing hit points from how intense that hug was.
“Well then my boy,” the goblin king said. “You’ve saved me, and you’ve saved my people. I have to say I wasn’t expecting this from one of the travelers, but I’m glad you came along to save the day!”
I looked out over the battlefield. Things were definitely starting to slow down now. There were still the occasional screams from Horizon Dawn people who were staring down the monsters they’d no doubt been facing time and time again as they explored the raid dungeon, and from the sounds of things they didn’t like ha
ving the horrors from deep in the dungeon blinking and stepping into the light to kick some player character ass.
“We’re not done yet,” I said. “We still have to go back to Nilbog. You might’ve given me the Writ of Nobility, but they’ve been running the place through sheer arms and chutzpah.”
“That sounds like something the new Duke of Nilbog should take care of,” the goblin king said.
“You’re not going to come along and help?” I asked.
Having a raid level boss along to help me roust Torian and company from Nilbog would be helpful. It’d certainly saved my ass out here, though at this point we probably would’ve won this battle eventually. Even if I got my ass kicked.
Still, it’d been nice to have my ass personally saved at the last moment like that.
“I need to get back to the Underground and remind everyone I’m second in command there,” the goblin king said.
I hit him with a worried look. I was well aware that he could kill me if he wanted to. Like if he was upset that I’d become the de facto ruler of his kingdom.
But he slapped me on the back again. So hard I worried he might be attacking me, but then he threw his head back and laughed.
“I saw the writing on the wall the moment I heard you’d turned the Chief into charred flesh,” he said. “Don’t worry. As long as you let me continue to live in the lifestyle to which I’ve become accustomed you won’t get any trouble from me.”
“Thanks, I think,” I said, not sure how I felt about having a figurehead monarchy behind the power base I was trying to create for myself.
“Right. So it’s going to be up to me to clear out the trash in Nilbog,” I said. “Sounds about the same as everything I’ve been doing so far.”
The screams were really starting to die down now, though now that the screams of battle were dying down I could hear other screams off in the distance. Which I figured meant that somewhere out there in that distance there were a lot of Horizon Dawn people resurrecting and discovering there was a nasty surprise waiting for them at the local graveyard.
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