by Sara Cate
“I’m not pregnant.”
“Thank God for that.”
“Your dad proposed.” She says it so bluntly it causes me to freeze. It hits me a little harder than I expect.
“And?”
“And I said yes.”
“Fuck, it’s a little fast, don’t you think?” I snap.
“No, I don’t.”
“You look like a gold digger.”
There’s silence on the line, and maybe she’s trying to gauge whether or not I’m kidding, and fuck, so am I.
“I knew you were going to be an asshole about it,” she mutters. “He didn’t want me to call because he knew you were going to be like this.”
“Maybe because I fucked you first. Because you were mine first.” I’m shouting now, to the point where Ellis is now standing in the doorway, and I wish he’d leave. I already know how he feels about the whole situation with my dad and Zara and his judgment is the last fucking thing I need right now.
“I thought we were over this!” she shouts, and I hear the shake in her voice.
“Oh, trust me, I’m over it. I’ve moved on, Zara. Very fucking moved on.” I throw my phone across the room, but it’s not enough.
“You okay?” he asks, staying in the doorway.
“I’m fine,” I mutter, getting up and dressing quickly. Why do I give a shit if they’re getting married? Good for them. This is what I wanted for her.
It feels like too much too fast. Ellis telling me he’s staying for me, and now this. She’s marrying him. I’m such a fucking idiot. I told her I loved her, and she’s marrying him. She lied to me when she told me she loved me.
A bout of tunnel vision hits me as Ellis steps toward me. “Hey, want a drink?” He touches my arm and I quickly swat him away.
“We’re not a fucking couple,” I snap, and he flinches, taking his hand away. “You keep acting like this is a relationship or something, and it’s not. If your contract is up, then go. I don’t care. I’m not asking you to stay for me.”
He doesn’t say anything. That’s the worst fucking part. He just stands there and takes it, letting me pummel him with words that mean nothing to me. Pretending he means nothing to me, but I’m not doing this again. I’m not going to be such a fucking idiot for someone else, spill my heart and say words like “I love you” when the other person doesn’t give a shit about me.
“Who was that?” he asks. “Was that her? You’re being an asshole to me because your ex-girlfriend called?”
“This is just how I am, Ellis. You should know that by now. I’m not cut out for long-term. And this…” I say gesturing between us. “This shit has reached its expiration date.”
“You want to fuck other people? Then fuck other people.”
“I used to look up to you. Fuck, I thought you were a God, but now I get it, Ellis. You just need someone to worship you. And you got in my fucking head, had me thinking I liked this shit.”
Storming out of the room, my heart is pounding in my ears. Somewhere in the back of my head I’m thinking, this is salvageable. And maybe I don’t want it to be salvageable. He’s hot on my heels, quick to reply, “You seemed to really like this shit while I was blowing you.”
I’m too hot, too angry, too destructive, and I react on instinct, swinging around and throwing my fist at his face. Making contact, feeling his cheekbone under my fist, breaks me. But not as much as the words that fly out of my mouth. “I’m not a fucking fag like you.”
His brown eyes stay trained on me, wide and angry as I tear open the front door and leave his apartment for the last time.
The loneliness drops like a bomb, hitting me hard as soon as I’m outside. But at least it’s familiar, comfortable, like coming home and breathing fresh air for the first time. I wasn’t happy with him. I was delusional. I can never let my guard like that again.
28
There’s not a real opportunity to talk to Ellis in the next couple of days. Work consumes us. And he’s giving me a cold shoulder, a defense mechanism, which I understand. Hanna and I haven’t spoken about what we talked about in my office either.
We both admitted what we wanted out of this, but it feels so hard to admit again. Is this crazy to want to keep them both? Be in some fucked up relationship together?
When I’m with them both, I’m free to be myself. I don’t feel so out of control. They give me stability. Ellis takes the control and Hanna takes the pain. But do I offer them anything in return? Are they happy here? And can it last?
Fuck, I don’t care.
On the day of the launch, we have to fly into the city to meet with the previous owners, sign some shit and finalize the deal. I hate this part. Fuck, I hate it all. The formalities, the paperwork. I just want to work, make the shit, and watch my company grow, so I guess I should like this more than I do.
What I do like is climbing into the two-seater with Ellis. He’s wearing a pair of dark sunglasses, his golden hair combed perfectly to the side, his broad shoulders filling out a dark blue fitted suit. He catches me staring for a moment as we sit in the helicopter before takeoff.
“You look funny flying a helicopter in a suit,” he says. “Can’t you hire someone to pilot?”
With a smile, I shrug. “Wildes belong in the pilot seat.” Then just as I start up the rotors, I glance up. “I can teach you how to fly if you want.”
His head turns in my direction, my heart practically deafening me as it beats in my chest. It’s the first time we’ve talked about anything past tonight. There is no tomorrow for us, so I know why he’s looking at me like that.
“Yeah, maybe someday.”
I don’t respond before pulling off. Ellis holds a hand up toward Hanna who is standing on the patio, watching us leave and waving with a sad smile on her face.
The ride is short but silent which makes for awkwardness when I know we both have so many thoughts rolling around in our heads.
“This trip has flown by,” he says, staring out the window.
“Yeah, it has.”
Awkward silence again.
“I couldn’t have done it without you,” I say, keeping my voice deep and calm, not letting any of my nerves show.
“Yes, you could have.” He looks at me, and it drives me wild.
Suddenly, my heart is pounding. This week is over. We’re about to sign the papers and the deal is through. Ellis won’t need to stay anymore. He’ll leave, and this whole thing will be a memory, just like Amsterdam.
Say something, Nash. Tell him to stay. Tell him you’re sorry, you piece of shit.
The words weigh heavy in my gut, so heavy I can’t speak them. I can’t bring myself to tell Ellis I fucked up, I was a coward, and what I did to him that day was the worst fucking thing I’ve done in my life, and I don’t want Hanna without him.
“You’re not going to let her go back to her mother’s, are you?” he asks coldly.
“Of course not.”
“Good. Convince her to stay on Del Rey for a while. If she could find some work and support herself, she’ll find the confidence she needs.”
He keeps talking about her like he won’t be around…of course because I told him he wouldn’t.
It grows silent again, and it feels like the moment has passed so I keep quiet, but I’m dying to tell him to stay. I wish it were that easy. But I’m not stupid, and I know it’s not.
We land a few minutes later, and then it’s a whirlwind. My dad meets us at the helipad, and the three of us walk together into Wilde Aviation headquarters where we meet with a team of lawyers, the previous owners, and even a few members of the press. My hands are shaking, so I keep them in my pockets, trying to look calm.
I think Ellis picks up on it because he doesn’t leave my side, whispering reminders in my ear every few moments, keeping me grounded.
The whole thing goes by so quickly the next moment I blink, Wilde Aviation has acquired an entire corporation and fleet of fixed wing airplanes, including three manufacturing plants, and
ten thousand employees.
“You okay?” Ellis asks, his hand on my back.
Stretching my neck in this suit, feeling claustrophobic for a moment, I adjust my jacket. “I’m fine.”
I’m ready to get back to the island. The papers have been signed, and everyone is milling around the conference room talking, and it’d be rude for me to leave, so I wait, saying my goodbyes to everyone and putting on a front of complete control, because least of all, I feel Alistair’s eyes on me through the whole thing.
He’s proud, I can see that, but it doesn’t relieve any of the pressure that comes with his scrutiny.
The rest of the day moves in a blur, and it’s not until we reach the helicopter that I finally breathe.
“I’m proud of you,” my dad says, clapping a hand on my back. “This was a big deal, and you guys did a great job.” As he shakes Ellis’s hand, I feel my heart rate start to elevate.
“I’ll see you tonight at the party,” I say to him, desperate to get away.
“See you tonight,” he says with hesitation as he climbs into the car, glaring at me through the corner of his eye as he drives away.
“It’s hot as fuck out here,” I growl, tearing off my jacket.
“Hey, you okay?” Ellis asks as we walk out to the aircraft.
“I just want to go home.” This is all happening too fast. We have to be back in a few hours for the party, and then he’s leaving, and she’s never going to forgive me if I let him leave like this. As we reach the helicopter, I spin around and point a finger at his chest. And of course, I don’t say what I really need to say. I take the easy way out.
“She needs you too, you know. I can’t help her alone. I’m too busy with work anyway and if she really needs help getting back on her feet without that bitch controlling her, she’ll need you too, and you started this whole thing—”
“Nash.” His strong hand clasps the back of my neck as he pulls me toward him, placing his forehead against mine. “Calm down. Breathe.”
“I’m fine.”
“I’ll stay to help her if that’s what you want. I can stick around for a couple more weeks if that’s enough. Just relax.”
My hands press against his chest, and I glance to the side, checking for anyone to see us, but there’s not a soul around, so I press him against the side of the helicopter, taking his mouth with mine, but he doesn’t kiss me back.
My heart lands against the cement as I pull back and look him in the eye. “Fuck, Ellis, give me another chance. Can’t we just put that shit behind us?”
His jaw clenches as he stares at me. “I haven’t made it this far by making dangerous decisions, Nash, and giving you another chance would be the most dangerous decision I could possibly make. Loving you is dangerous, Nash.”
“For Hanna…you know she wants this. She needs both of us.”
“You want me to believe you’ve changed, but if this week has proven anything to me, Nash, it’s that you haven’t changed at all. You still protect yourself first. You don’t give your trust or control to anyone else, and you refuse to be vulnerable. Not even for a fucking second. You want to prove to me you’ve changed and giving you my heart again won’t end the same way it did last time, then go tell your dad right now. Or better yet, tell her. Tell Zara you’ve moved on and you love someone else.”
He pulls his phone out of his pocket and holds it in front of himself. “Here, call her now.”
“It’s not that easy. I’ll tell them but not like this.”
“That’s right. On your terms, always on your terms.”
Pulling his hand off my neck, he moves himself away, and I feel my chest start to seize up at the realization that this is it. I’ve lost him and I can’t get him back. He’s right. Ellis is a practical guy. He makes smart decisions, and he doesn’t play games. It’s one of the things I love about him. He’s strong, smart, and confident. That means he doesn’t give assholes like me a second chance.
“Come on,” he says. “We still have a beautiful woman to show off at a party, and as long as she needs us, I’ll be there for her.” Then he glares at me. “But this thing between us…it’s over.”
29
“You cannot go to the party like that,” I say to Nash as he steps out of the shower, holding a white towel around his waist.
“Well, I was planning on getting dressed,” he answers with a laugh, looking down at his still wet chest. Stepping up to him, I run my hands through his unruly hair.
“I was talking about this.”
“Well, it’s a little late to go to the barber.” He looks into the mirror, and as much as I love the thickness of his beard and the long brown waves that hang in his face, it’s not the look of a powerful CEO. It’s the look of a young man who works too much and neglects his appearance.
“Well, lucky for you…I’m not too bad with a pair of scissors.”
He stares at me skeptically in the mirror. “I don’t think so.”
“Come on,” I say with a roll of my eyes as I pull him toward the kitchen.
A few moments later, I have him sitting on a chair over a layer of towels as I chop inches off the mop on his head. When Ellis enters in his black on black suit, Nash and I both freeze.
“What’s going on in here?” he asks like he doesn’t look like a God entering the room in that tux.
“Umm…Mr. Wilde needed a little trim. What do you think?”
Stepping back, I take in the handiwork so far. You can actually see Nash’s eyes now. I kept it long, just above his ears but cleaned up around the edges.
Ellis approaches, looking down at him. “We’ll have to do something about this,” he says, stroking the thick hair on Nash’s face.
“I can trim my own beard,” he mumbles.
Ignoring him, Ellis takes off his jacket and picks the clippers up off the table. Kneeling down in front of Nash, they stare at each other, the intensity palpable as Ellis slips the guard across Nash’s beard, trimming it up and straightening the edges. When he’s done, he runs his thumb over Nash’s lower lip, and suddenly it feels like the oxygen has been stolen from the room. I keep waiting for him to kiss him, but he doesn’t. Instead, he stands up and steps away.
The tension between these two has grown since that night in Ellis’s room. I had no idea watching them together would have the effect on me it did. And I don’t just mean it was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, but it tore my heart straight out of my chest. I fell hard for them that night. I never wanted to have them both so much in my life. To be a part of that, a part of their relationship, their love, their life…it’s all I want now.
And it consumes me.
But Ellis is still holding Nash at arm’s length. He senses what I’ve sensed in Nash. That until Nash lets go and accepts this part of himself, truly giving himself over to someone else, it will never be safe to really love him.
I know it too, but it’s too late for me.
I’m a good deal more reckless than Ellis. He will remain guarded, but I’m throwing myself headfirst into what will probably be the biggest heartbreak of my life.
“Shouldn’t you be getting yourself ready?” Ellis asks, looking at me. I’m in nothing but a robe, but my hair and makeup are already done.
“All I have to do is slip my dress on.”
“Can I help?” he asks with a coy smile.
“I think I can handle it.”
“I’ll go wash all this hair off.” Nash interrupts us before disappearing down the hall, leaving Ellis and me alone in the kitchen. As I start cleaning up, I feel him approach me from behind. Wrapping his arms around my waist, I turn and gaze up into his eyes. I’m hit with a wave of sadness thinking about him leaving, especially after knowing how badly Nash wants him to stay. How much we both want him to stay. But I won’t say the words I know need to come from Nash.
“Did something happen between you two?” I ask.
“Nothing at all.”
It’s a cold, emotionless answer, and I
know it’s not one-hundred-percent true.
“Listen, Hanna. I don’t want you going back to living with your mother. You should stay here until you can get back on your own two feet, okay?”
“And what about you?” I ask. “Where will you be?”
There’s a hint of sadness in his eyes. “You know I can’t stay.”
I know the reason he can’t stay is because of the man in the shower now. Dammit, Nash. Just be honest with him. Apologize. Tell him how you really feel.
“I wish you would,” I whisper as he leans down, placing his lips against mine. I try to absorb his kiss, his taste, everything about him. Ellis feels so perfect for me it breaks my heart knowing he can’t be mine because our hearts both belong to the same person.
“You know if you need me, I’ll do anything. You know that, right?”
Letting out a breath, I nod.
“You’re staying until tomorrow at least, right?” I need one more night with Ellis, one more night with both of them. One more night of us.
His eyes brighten with a smile. “Of course.”
A few moments later, Nash emerges from his room. He’s in a dark blue suit with black accents. His beard is clean, and his hair has been fixed to the side with some product. He looks good enough to eat, and I’m already anxious to bring them both back here tonight. I wish the party was over already.
How the fuck did I get so lucky? This is too much for one woman.
There’s an almost silent groan from Ellis’s chest as we watch Nash cross the window toward the door.
“Okay, okay, my turn,” I say, skipping out the door, toward the guest house. After slipping into the dress and fixing my makeup where Ellis kissed me, I stare at myself in the mirror. I can’t be the only one who notices the way I fill out this dress more than I once filled my ballet costumes or how I find myself smiling by default instead of forcing it.
I mean, it’s no revelation I’m happier on this private island with two hot rich men, but it’s about so much more than that. It’s about being seen, listened to, loved. But I can’t really stay here, can I? What kind of life would that be?