by Amy Clipston
“Why are you so angry with me?”
“Because you’re going to break your mamm’s heart again,” Dat snapped. “You already hurt her when you stopped going to church, moved out, started dressing English, and bought that truck.” He gestured widely. “Now you’re going to attend a few services, make her believe you’re coming back, and then change your mind. I know you, Jerry. You need to make up your mind.”
He flinched at the accusing words. Did Dat know him—really know him? And what would his father know about his dilemma? Nothing.
When his phone buzzed, he pulled it from his pocket.
“This is exactly what I’m talking about,” Dat continued. “You can’t go to an Amish church service and then read texts on your phone.”
“It’s for work, Dat.” Jerry glanced at his uncle’s text with instructions for when and where to report for work tomorrow, and then he pushed the phone back into his pocket.
“So what’s it going to be? Are you going to come back to the church or not? You can’t leave your mother in limbo like this.”
“I don’t know.” Jerry settled back in the chair as waves of unease stirred in his gut.
“This is about Clara Hertzler, isn’t it?”
Jerry’s gaze cut to his father.
“Don’t look so surprised. I’m not deaf, and I’m not blind. I heard your schweschder’s question about why you were going to church this morning, and I saw how you and Clara interacted today.” Dat leaned toward him. “If you decide to join the church, it can’t be just for her. It has to be for God. And if you aren’t going to join the church, you shouldn’t string her along. You know you can get her shunned, right?”
Jerry bit back bitter-tasting guilt.
Dat stood. “You need to figure out what you’re doing before you hurt yourself and everyone who cares for you.”
As his father disappeared into the house, Jerry leaned his head back against his chair and closed his eyes. Tension burned in his chest as Dat’s words echoed in his head. He was stuck between two worlds—Amish and English—and he had no idea where he belonged. Where was his true home?
CHAPTER 6
Clara pushed her potato salad around on her plate with her fork as envy ran through her veins.
Across from her at Emma’s large picnic table, Katie Ann and Chris sat close together and talked, and Mandy and Ephraim leaned against each other and whispered. She turned toward Wayne and Tena, who had been sitting and talking beside her for nearly an hour. They had struck up a friendship, and they gravitated to each other every time Wayne was at Emma’s house. They were both baptized, and most likely they’d be the next couple brought together by Emma’s garden.
Her mouth twisted into a frown, and she rubbed her forehead where a headache throbbed. Jealousy was wrong. Letting it take over was worse. But she couldn’t deny how it had overtaken her. Jerry had seemed distant during the past two weeks, and then he hadn’t shown up at church today, let alone at Emma’s house. Perhaps he’d realized once and for all that he didn’t want to be Amish and thought it best to stay away from her—from all of them.
Humidity stole her breath. The hot, late-July air hadn’t seemed to move at all today. She looked over at the path leading to the porch and spotted Hank asleep under a bush, curled up in a ball. He was probably too hot as well.
“Clara,” Ephraim called, and she looked over at him. “Would you like a ride home?”
“Ya.” She nodded. “Danki.”
“Could I get one too?” Biena asked.
“Of course,” Ephraim said. “We have room for both of you.”
“We can leave right after we clean up the kitchen,” Mandy said.
“Sounds gut.” Clara stood and began to gather their plates. As she carried them into the kitchen, she wondered when—and if—she’d see Jerry again.
“Thank you for coming in today,” Onkel Saul said as he and Jerry reloaded supplies in his company van. “I hated to have to call you on a Sunday, but we have to do what we can when there’s an emergency.”
“I’m happy to help.” Jerry put the last tool bag inside and shut the door. “I’m glad you called me.” While he was grateful for the extra hours and pay for the emergency call, Jerry had hated missing the opportunity to go to church and see his friends today. And although he’d done his best to keep his distance from Clara for the past couple of weeks, heeding his father’s warning that he could hurt her if he didn’t, he’d spent the day wondering if she missed him as much as he’d missed her.
“Listen. I want to talk to you about something.” Onkel Saul faced him, and Jerry couldn’t help but think how much he looked like Dat with his graying light-brown hair and blue eyes. They were both in their midfifties now, but unlike Dat, Onkel Saul had decided not to join the church in his early twenties.
“Okay.” Jerry leaned against the van’s bumper.
“You’re my hardest working and most loyal employee. That’s why you were the one I called in today.” Onkel Saul paused and took a breath. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and now is the time. You’re ready for more responsibility, and I want to make you my assistant manager. I also want you to take over my business when I’m ready to retire.”
Jerry swallowed, his throat suddenly dry.
“I’ll double your salary, and I want you to start taking on your own jobs. I trust you to represent me well. What do you think?”
Jerry sank onto the bumper as the weight of his uncle’s words knocked him off balance.
“Jerry?” Onkel Saul’s eyebrows lifted. “Are you all right?”
“Ya.” Jerry gave a nervous laugh. “I’m just a little stunned.”
“Don’t you want to become my assistant manager and learn more about running the company?” Onkel Saul sat down on the bumper beside him. “You’re like the son I never had. I want to retire someday, and I’d be honored to turn the company over to you.”
Emotion clogged the back of his throat. “Thank you,” he managed to say.
“Is that a yes?” Onkel Saul sounded hopeful.
“This is a lot to take in.” Jerry’s words were measured in the wake of his sudden confusion. “Could I have a week or so to think about it?”
“That’s fair.” Onkel Saul patted his shoulder. “Let me know when you’re ready to talk about it.”
“All right. Thank you.” Jerry shook his uncle’s hand, and then he walked to his truck as he tried to fully comprehend what his uncle had just offered.
He wasn’t certain if he was ready to become his uncle’s assistant manager, but he was certain he needed a good meal and a comfortable chair to rest his aching feet.
When Ephraim guided his horse into Biena’s driveway, Clara’s heart lurched. She could see Jerry’s truck parked behind the barn.
“Danki for the ride,” Biena called as she climbed from the back of the buggy. “I’ll see you soon.”
Clara leaned forward on the bench seat. “Could I have a minute to talk to Jerry?” she asked Ephraim.
“Ya, of course. I’m not in a hurry.” He turned to Mandy beside him. “Are you?”
“No,” Mandy said, although she looked at Clara with obvious curiosity.
Clara walked over to the truck as Jerry came around to the front of it. “Hi.”
“Hi.” His brow furrowed. “What are you doing here?”
“Ephraim is giving me a ride home.” She jammed her thumb toward the house. “We dropped off Biena first. Where were you today?”
“I had to work.” He leaned against the truck’s fender. “There was an emergency. Pipes burst at a nursing home, and Onkel Saul asked me to help him take care of it. I just had to stop here to pick up something from mei mamm before I head back home.”
“Oh.” She nodded slowly, and suddenly she saw Jerry in a new light. According to their beliefs, it was a sin to work on Sundays. If Jerry intended to be baptized, he wouldn’t be breaking that community rule. He wouldn’t be acting like an Englisher at all.
&
nbsp; A heavy sadness enveloped her. Jerry wasn’t going to join the church, and it was time she faced the truth.
They stared at each other, and the silence stretched her nerves thin as tears threatened her eyes. She had to leave before they broke free.
“I’d better go.” Her voice sounded thick to her own ears. “I’ll see you.”
“Yeah.” He smiled, but the smile seemed weak.
Clara hurried to the buggy and climbed into the back. Tears streamed down her face, and she couldn’t hold back a sob.
“Clara!” Mandy turned and reached over the seat to touch her arm. “What happened?”
“I can’t do this anymore!”
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t hold on to him. It’s ripping me apart.” Clara hugged her arms to her chest as if to hold her heart intact.
“You love him,” Mandy said. Ephraim stayed quiet.
Clara nodded. “Ya, I think I do, but he’s not going to join the church. I’m kidding myself. I’ve been kidding myself for two months now, and I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t.”
“Shh,” Mandy cooed. “Everything will be okay.”
“I don’t know how.” Closing her eyes, Clara spoke through the rawness. “It hurts so much. I thought I was stronger than this.”
“We’ll get through this. You’re not alone.”
As her tears fell, a sharp pain slashed through her chest. Her heart was broken, and she had no idea how she would ever recover. How could she move on without Jerry?
“What’s the plan for today?” Jerry asked as he stepped into Emma’s barn the following Saturday afternoon and rubbed his hands together. Ephraim, Chris, and Wayne relaxed by the horse’s stall.
“We were just talking about painting the inside of Emma’s haus,” Chris said. “She told Katie Ann she wanted to have it painted, but she doesn’t have the money to pay anyone to do it.”
Ephraim turned to Chris and Wayne. “Why don’t you go ask her where she’d like us to start after we finish all the other projects we’re planning? I’ll be there in a minute.” They both nodded, and Ephraim turned to Jerry. “I need to talk to you.”
“Okay.” Jerry rested his hand on the stall door as Wayne and Chris exited the barn. “What do you need?”
Ephraim’s expression darkened. “What are you doing with Clara?”
“What does that mean?” Jerry stood up straight.
“She’s in love with you.”
Jerry blanched as if he’d struck him. “What?”
“You remember talking to her on Sunday? When I dropped Biena off?” Ephraim asked, and Jerry nodded. “She sobbed the whole way home.”
“Why? Because I had to work that day and didn’t go to church?” His chest ached at the thought of having inadvertently hurt her.
“It’s more than that.” Ephraim’s frown deepened. “She believes you’re never going to join the church. What are you waiting for, Jerry? Just join the church so you can be with her. It’s obvious you love her too.”
“Whoa.” He held up his hand. “I don’t need you telling me how to lead my life.” He eyed Ephraim with suspicion. “Did she ask you to talk to me?”
Ephraim shook his head. “I just want to help. I told you, she sobbed the entire way home.” He rubbed at the back of his neck. “Mandy tried to calm her, but Clara was inconsolable. This is tearing her apart. It’s obvious that you care about each other and want to be together. You know you can make this work if you join the church. I think you’ll both be froh if you do.”
“It’s not that easy.” Jerry leaned back on the horse’s stall as confusion, guilt, regret, frustration, and loneliness all spiraled through him. “I do care about her, but I’m not sure if God is calling me to the church. I’m really confused right now.”
“Why are you confused? You came to church a few weeks ago. Don’t you feel like you’ve come back home to the community?”
Jerry stared at him. Did he? He didn’t know. But he did know he didn’t need Ephraim pressuring him too. And maybe Clara had put him up to it. He hadn’t actually denied it.
“Jerry, you need to talk to Clara. She’s really hurting, and I think you want to work things out.”
“Ya. Maybe it’s time I had an honest conversation with her.” Jerry spun and headed for the barn doors.
“That’s been long overdue,” Ephraim called after him. “Remember, she cares about you. Don’t make this worse.”
Once outside, his head spinning with frustration, he scanned the garden for Clara. When he didn’t find her, he went inside the house. She was in the kitchen, drying dishes as Emma washed them.
“Jerry.” Her smile seemed like an effort as she looked over her shoulder. “How are you?”
“Could I please talk to you alone?” he asked, taking in her cautious expression. Maybe she knew very well what she’d done and was smart enough to know he’d be upset when he figured it out.
“Ya, of course.” Clara pointed toward the family room. “Let’s go into the schtupp.”
Jerry nodded at Emma, and then he followed Clara into the next room.
“What do you want to talk about?” She fingered her apron as she looked up at him. Irritation whipped through him, and he ignored the anxiety he saw in her eyes.
“Did you ask Ephraim to talk to me?”
“No.” Her nose scrunched as if she smelled something foul.
“He’s pressuring me to be baptized and join the church. Did you put him up to it?”
“Why would I do that?” she said, her voice rising. She backed away from him.
“You’ve been pressuring me about this ever since I first ran into you here two months ago. Why wouldn’t I assume you asked Ephraim to pressure me too?”
“I didn’t.” She shook her head as her eyes sparkled with moisture. “He did that on his own.”
Guilt diluted his anger as she wiped away a tear, but he fought it.
“Why can’t anyone let me make my own decisions?” His chest felt tight as anger won out. “I have mei onkel telling me he wants me to be his assistant manager, mei dat insisting I choose either the Amish or English world, and then you and Ephraim pressuring me to get baptized. Why does everyone want to run my life?” He jammed a finger in his chest. “This is my life, not yours.”
“No one is telling you what to do.” She sniffed as she wiped the back of her hand over her eyes. “We just want you to be part of our community. Is that so bad?”
His jaw worked as he stared at her. A sliver of panic moved through him, and something inside him broke open. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”
He rushed out the front door, ignoring her as she called his name.
Clara sank onto the sofa behind her as new pain hit her in the chest. Was that her heart ripping apart? She dissolved into tears and covered her face with her hands. She’d finally pushed Jerry away for good. The hurt was unbearable.
“Shh.” Warm arms pulled her into a hug. “It’s all right, mei liewe.” Emma’s sweet voice was a balm to her soul. “Everything will be all right.”
“No. No, it won’t.” Clara rested her cheek on Emma’s shoulder. “I pushed him away, just like mei mamm pushed away her bruder when she tried to get him to join the church. She alienated him, and he won’t speak to her. I’ve never even met him or my cousins.”
Emma rubbed her back. “I could see the conflict in Jerry’s eyes. He’s confused, but I think he’ll come back home to the church and you. Just give him time.”
“I hope you’re right,” Clara whispered as more tears streamed down her cheeks.
A knock on Jerry’s bedroom door jarred him awake. He got out of bed, pulled on a T-shirt, and went to the door.
He yawned as he opened it. He hadn’t slept well all week, ever since his confrontation with Clara. He hadn’t even made an appearance at Emma’s to work yesterday because he didn’t know how he’d handle seeing Clara again. How could he have yelled at her like that? But he had to stay away from her, for h
er sake.
Then he was wide awake because his parents were standing in the hallway. “Mamm? Dat? What are you doing here, and on a Sunday?”
Mamm looked him up and down, her brow puckered. “I expected you to come to the haus and have breakfast with us before church today. Aren’t you coming to church? You don’t have to work for your onkel on a Sunday again, do you?”
“Not today, but I’m not going to church today either.” He yawned again as he leaned on the doorframe.
“Why?” She gasped. “Are you krank?”
“No. I’m just not sure about church . . . or about anything.”
“I don’t understand.” Mamm spoke slowly and cautiously.
“I’ll talk to him, Saloma.” Dat touched her shoulder. “Why don’t you go wait in the buggy with Biena? I’ll be right there.”
Mamm divided a confused look between them and then nodded. “Fine.” She turned to Jerry. “I hope to see you again soon.”
“You will,” Jerry said. “It’s a promise.”
As Mamm headed for the stairs, Dat said, “May I sit for a moment?”
“Ya, of course.” Jerry opened his door wider and then sat down on the edge of his bed. Dat took his desk chair.
“You look terrible, Jerry.”
“Thanks.” Jerry gave a snort.
“Did you sleep at all last night?”
“Not much.” Jerry rubbed at a knot in his shoulder. “I tossed and turned. I still have a lot to figure out.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Dat’s expression invited him in.
“I don’t know.” Jerry looked down at the floor. A familiar unease coated his throat, and he drew in a stuttering breath as the pain in Clara’s eyes came to mind. He’d hurt her, and he thought he might suffocate on his guilt and regret. An ache opened somewhere inside and seeped through him.
“I haven’t been completely truthful with you,” Dat said.
Jerry’s gaze snapped to his father’s.
“I told you joining the church for Clara was wrong, but I never told you why I joined the church.” Dat paused as Jerry held his breath. “I joined for your mamm.”