Happier Without You

by Nicole Thorn

  “Sure.”

  She and my father came in, and quickly closed the door before the kids found out where they were. They stood across from me, and it felt like a little chess board. I did not like it.

  “Am I in trouble?” I asked.

  “Actually,” Dad started. “We wanted to talk to you about your current situation.”

  I still didn’t feel any better from his non answer. “Um…”

  Mom held her hands up. “We’ve taken notice that you haven’t had any…problems, in the last couple weeks. I like to think that it’s your new friends keeping you out of trouble.”

  “Yeah,” Dad agreed. “That being said, it felt a little wrong that we would be restricting you from them, when they seem to be making you feel better. We wanted to let you off grounding.”

  That happened much sooner than I thought it would have, and honestly, I’d started to think I’d be grounded until I graduated. Maybe longer, since I would have been stuck in the house anyway.

  “Really?” I asked.

  “Really,” Dad answered. “That Cathy girl seemed nice, and I would rather you be out having a life, than stuck in this room moping. It’s not healthy, and I think you have enough to deal with already. We don’t need to add to that pile.”

  Since I didn’t know what I needed to say to get out of this cleanly, I hesitated. If I screwed this up, then I might have lost my damn mind.

  These past couple weeks had been something that I realized then, I’d needed. Time with Poe and Cathy helped me with the loss, and I didn’t feel so doomed anymore. Peter had been my best friend, and I felt it like a heartbeat, every moment I wasn’t with him. Those times I reached for my phone, wanting to tell him something, and remembered he was happier without me around. I would have sullied his days, so I kept to myself. Now, I reached for the phone to talk to Cathy and Poe, and it felt good. Not because Peter had been replaced, but because my friends were much more than that. They made me feel wanted, and slowly and painfully, I’d started to realize that Peter didn’t do that. When I hung out with my friends, I didn’t have to look at the broken parts of me.

  “We really don’t,” I said. “God knows I’m damaged enough.”

  “Aw,” Mom sighed. “Don’t say stuff like that. You’re not damaged.”

  No, she wouldn’t have thought so, but she didn’t pay attention. She didn’t have to see for it to have been true. I saw it every day, and felt it in that sting that had no right to live in my chest. The one that pulsed when I thought about Peter. When his face appeared in my mind, and I thought about what he’d promised me, and how now, he’d promised it to someone else. Or how it felt to know I’d been that fucking easy to replace. A blink, and I didn’t matter anymore.

  “Okay,” I said, because I didn’t know what else I could have said to Mom. She would have argued with me, and I couldn’t deal with a fight right now.

  “The kids are screaming,” my father said. “We should probably go take care of that before things get broken.”

  Mom nodded. “Clover, you should try and get out a little today. I don’t like you in here. At least come out and spend time with the family.”

  I would rather have sat outside on the driveway if I wanted to not be talked to for the rest of the day. “Actually, I should make a phone call. Maybe tomorrow or something.”

  Neither parent tried to fight me on it, and got the hell out of my room as soon as they could have. Dad closed the door, and I went for my phone. I had the number going through before I even sat down.

  It started to get to the point where every time I thought about talking to Poe about something, my heart would kick up. I guess my anxiety liked to attack me when I didn’t see it coming. A hazard of being me.

  When Poe picked up, I breathed out in relief at the sound of his voice. “Hello, dear. What can I help you with today?”

  I smiled to myself. “I got let off of grounding. I was hoping you were free. Maybe we can go do something.”

  He paused for half a second, and I almost had a panic attack over it. “I’ll be there in three minutes.”

  I sent out a prayer of thanks, grateful I didn’t have to recover from even more rejection. “Great, I’ll put some pants on.”

  “Don’t punish the both of us.”

  Oh, and there went my heart again. It sputtered, and my brain reminded me of being in that booth, about to kiss Poe. I couldn’t have denied that it excited me, and I wanted to murder the kid who’d interrupted us. Something poked at me, telling me I should attempt to set that up again. I didn’t see any graceful way to make Poe kiss me, and it was a weird thing to want anyway.

  “Come convince me then,” I said, losing my sanity for long enough to make me sick.

  But Poe chuckled, and didn’t hang up on me. “I shall.”

  Chapter Fourteen: Here and Now

  “Sweets,” I heard, and then I shivered where I stood. Fire followed ice, traveling up my spine while I gripped my locker door. I knew I shouldn’t have stopped off before lunch. “We need to have a conversation.”

  I turned sharply to Peter, seeing him standing alone, a foot from me. I pictured him with Kelly yesterday, kissing her, and touching her where everyone could have seen it. Not a single damn time did he even let me hold his hand. I felt sick, wondering why I hadn’t been good enough.

  “We don’t,” I said. “In fact, if you want, we can never ever talk again. You’re more than welcome to wear a bag over your head so we don’t have to see each other’s faces.”

  I got sighed at. “Clove, please. I’m being serious. It’s really irritating when you’re sarcastic. You know how it makes me feel.”

  I bit my lip. “Yeah. I have lunch to get to, so…”

  I tried to push past him, and he grabbed me by the shoulders, stopping me suddenly. He pushed me back in place before he said anything. “No, we’re talking. You can go when we’re finished.”

  Sighing, I crossed my arms. “What is it now?”

  He let go of me. “How about that fucking letter you left in my locker? Kelly almost saw that. What are you trying to do here? I get that you’re pissed off and think I cheated on you, but that doesn’t give you the right to try and ruin my relationship.”

  I flinched at the aggression, and wished I could have taken a step back without him moving me again. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. You’re the one with the girlfriend who—”

  “I’m talking,” Peter said. “You put a letter in my locker, begging me to take you back. I don’t even know where to start here. First off, you know I’m with Kelly. I want Kelly.”

  I stopped him. “I didn’t give you a letter. When did this happen?”

  “I got it this morning, and it said it was from you.”

  Staring at him, eyes narrowed, I said, “I absolutely did not write you a letter, saying I wanted you back. I don’t want you back. Believe it or not, you getting together with Kelly kind of killed it for me.”

  Peter pulled his slipping backpack strap up again, getting a strained look on his face when he thought too hard. “The letter said it was from you.”

  “What else did it say?”

  “I don’t know… Stuff. A bunch about how sorry you were for being pathetic, and that you would do better if I gave you another chance. Then you called my girlfriend a lot of disgusting things that I thought better of you to say. It was really desperate, and not attractive. Look,” he said before I could speak. Peter leaned closer to me, whispering, “You know I love you, but we can’t do that. I don’t want to have to take care of you anymore.”

  A little spark went off in my head, and I wanted to scream at him, telling him that I had been the one who had to take care of him. Every time he cried, I was there to hold his hand, and tell him it would be fine. When he needed to vent, I listened. When my turn came around, he made sure I didn’t get a word in. His needs always took over mine.

  I pressed my hands together, and spoke really slowly so that Peter would understa
nd. “I do not want you back. Even if I did, I wouldn’t write you a letter. I would deal with it, because you moved on.”

  “I’d like to think that, but I have a theory going. Tell me if you think I’m onto something.”

  I already didn’t like the condescending tone.

  “You supposedly loved me when we were together, but you refused to stay my friend. You chose to abandon me, because you didn’t want to deal with us not being together. Sounds to me like you’re not over anything, and you knew having to be around me and Kelly would have made you jealous.”

  Of course it would have, but that didn’t mean I wanted him. I wanted to avoid making this whole thing worse, and I knew I couldn’t have been the same friend to him that I had been. We couldn’t flirt, or play, and I couldn’t comfort him the way I used to.

  “We can’t be friends, because it wouldn’t work,” I repeated. “What would have happened when you got upset and needed comfort?”

  “I would have come to you.”

  “Even with Kelly in your life?”

  “Yes. You’re my best friend, and you know me better. You know what to say.”

  “Nothing I said ever really helped, and what was I supposed to do? Let you lay your head on my shoulder? Hold my hand? We can’t be intimate like that.”

  “Says who?”

  “I assume Kelly would agree.”

  “She’d be fine if she wanted me to feel better.”

  It was like we spoke two different languages, because this moron didn’t get it. I attempted putting it into words he could have understood. “This was for me, Peter. For me. Don’t you think it would have hurt me, having you come to me like you did, and then going off to Kelly once I made you all better?”

  He looked away from me, taking his time to think. “Maybe at first, but you could get over it. Doesn’t our friendship matter to you?”

  “It did, until you decided you didn’t want me around.”

  “It wasn’t like that and you know it. Dating is a lot more work than being friends, and I got tired. Every moment together was exhausting and you knew it. I love you, sweets, but you’re… You know, sometimes you really lack empathy. You get all quiet when I need you, and then I’m left there thinking I don’t matter.”

  “Because sometimes I don’t know what to say. When you counter every single word out of my mouth, how am I supposed to make it better?”

  “Try harder. When you’re dating someone, it’s your job to make them feel better when they need it.”

  “Is that why you left me out to dry all the time?”

  Peter flinched back, and stared at me, his eyebrows pushed together. “What are you talking about? I listened to you bitch about your family all the time.”

  “No, you didn’t. I would start talking, and then you would either tell me you had a long day and wanted to talk about me later, or you would make it about you. Every damn time. You made me feel like I couldn’t say anything, because you had it so much worse. If my parents ignored me, you made me feel like a bitch for complaining, because your dad yelled at you that day, or said something mean, and that was so much worse.”

  He paused again. “You know how my dad is. Sorry if I needed to talk it out.”

  I calmed my tone, matching his. “That wasn’t the issue. I needed you too, and you weren’t there. Then you beg me to stay your friend, all while saying I was too much to handle. So what is it then? I can take care of you, but you can’t take care of me?”

  Peter stared at me with accusation in his eyes. “You have that Poe guy now, so why do you need me? I bet he tells you not to talk to me. Is that it? You do as he commands of you? God, Clove. I knew you were a pushover, but really…”

  A quick flash of me slamming his head into a locker popped up, and I would have loved to make it a reality. Who the hell did he think he was, coming over here and getting pissy about me having a friend? I got dumped, and just as abandoned as he did, only I didn’t make him feel guilty at every chance I got.

  “Poe doesn’t tell me to do a goddammed thing,” I hissed. “And what the hell does it matter to you anyway? We broke up, so my friends are none of your business. I am none of your business.”

  “You become my business when you start trying to ruin my life.”

  Ruin his life? “How am I ruining your perfect life? You get to go to college in the fall, you have a girlfriend, a bunch of new friends apparently. You’re getting scholarships, and all of your dreams are coming true.” You’re making new ones, and they don’t involve me. They all used to involve me.

  “You’re mad because I’m not wasting my life like you are?” The words stung, but I didn’t get a chance to recover. “All you do is sit around bitching about your life, but you don’t change anything. If we stayed together, you would have trapped me like that. What would have life been like then? In a few years, you would have probably pushed me into getting married, and then having a kid before we were ready. We would have had a boring little life, and you would have hated it just as much as I would have.”

  I didn’t know where to begin on that one. Everything had turned around into something I didn’t recognize anymore. “You never said you didn’t want to get married, and we talked about kids.”

  “You. You talked about kids. I’m trying to make something of my life, and they don’t fit into that.”

  “Then you should have told me the truth. About that, and getting married.”

  He rolled his eyes at me. “Because you would have taken that so damn well.”

  “What about when we got older then? Would you have kept coming up with reasons not to move forward? What would you have done to string me along?”

  “Oh, don’t pretend like you’re some victim here. I tried to take care of you, and it wore me the hell out. If you ever worked on the problems you have, then we could have had a chance. You chose not to, and now you’re punishing me for moving on to someone else.”

  Once and for all, I wanted to end this. “Peter. I don’t know how to make this clearer to you. I did not write you a letter.”

  “Then who did?”

  It took me a few seconds of thinking, because it sounded crazy to me. I only talked to a couple people on the regular, and I didn’t know why a random letter would have popped up. I had two options, one of which sounded more reasonable than the other. One, Kelly wanted to make a point. She looked at me yesterday, and kissed Peter to upset me. It wasn’t that out there to think she might have faked a letter, trying to get Peter to want to drop me. Or two. Tammy. It wouldn’t have been hard to find out I’d dated Peter, and she knew Kelly. They might have talked.

  I said neither option. “I really don’t know,” I lied. “But I didn’t do it. I don’t want you, and I don’t want to ruin your relationship. Believe me or don’t.”

  Peter took another breath, and rubbed his forehead. “I don’t want to think you would lie to me, sweets.”

  I should fucking kill you.

  “So I’ll take your word for it. This time,” he clarified. “You were never evil enough to do something like this to me. I know you still love me.”

  “Mmhmm,” I mumbled.

  This whole conversation felt so roundabout. Something we had talked about a dozen times, and I couldn’t get away from. What more could he have wanted from me, and why did he have to keep poking where he didn’t belong? I never went out of my way to talk to him, or mess with his day. Yet, I got accused of that very thing. He up and decided that I happened to be the kind of desperate who would have written him a letter, and shamelessly tried to steal him back. What he didn’t realize, was that I didn’t have that in common with Kelly. I didn’t dig in the trash for my next meal.

  His voice turned softer, and I recoiled at it. “Even after all this fighting, I still need you in my life. We don’t work as a couple, but we were damn good friends.” If we ignored all the points I’d made. “When you come around, we can talk again. I miss you all the time, and I want you to know I’m thinking about yo
u.”

  I started to see why Kelly felt the way she did about me. Peter sounded so desperate right then, and I hoped for her sake, he toned it down when he was with her. It would only make her hate me.

  “You need to let it go,” I said. “This kind of stuff upsets your girlfriend, and that really isn’t fair. You can’t be wishing you were with someone else while you’re with her.” Even though he might have done that with me. I couldn’t slip into that rabbit hole, or I wouldn’t have found my way out again. Words like ‘not good enough’ and ‘worthless’, liked to swirl around in my head, and I didn’t have the confidence to make them go away or lose meaning.

  “It’s not like that,” Peter defended. “I don’t, I don’t think about you when I’m with her. And I didn’t think about Kelly when I was with you. I’m not a dick, Clove.”

  My face burned as I looked over to the lockers, seeking somewhere safe. “I guess I’ll never really know.”

  “You could believe me. Trust the guy you were in love with since you were sixteen.”

  I did trust him, and then he crushed my heart in his hands. The thing about Peter that I didn’t realize until recently, was that he hurt me in all the ways he knew knocked me out. He knew exactly which bricks he had to pull to make the building tumble, and he removed them with such precision, then watched me collapse. Poe had been right before, when he brought up that Peter knew exactly how low my self-esteem was, and he made no effort to make me feel good. I doubted he did it on purpose, but shouldn’t it have occurred to him to try?

  “I need a break,” I admitted. “From…everything. I just need a damn break.”

  I started walking past Peter, and he reached for my arm again. Before he could yank me back, I pulled away from his hold. “Where are you going?” he asked. “To find that Poe guy?”

  It took everything I had not to smile. “Yeah, maybe.”

  Peter scoffed. “I guess you’re not the only one who got replaced.”

  My heart skipped a beat, but I pushed past the pain as he removed one more brick. It didn’t matter. When I started to tumble, I had people to hold me together now. I just had to go and find one of them.