by Jenny Lee
Not wanting to ruin her makeup, she knew she had to calm down, or better yet, find a way to forget. She moved toward Steven and tugged on his stupid track suit.
“I want to party,” she said. “What do you have?” Steven looked at Lolly to see what she thought. “Don’t look at her, she’s not the boss of me.”
Lolly shrugged, not wanting to deal with her right now.
“Sure, whatever. But if you drop it in the toilet don’t come crying back to us for more.” Steven pressed something into Kimmie’s hand and nodded her toward the direction of the bathrooms. Kimmie nodded and made her way through the crowd, passing Anna who was still dancing in a circle of girls, including Vronsky’s cousin, Bea.
While Kimmie waited in line for the bathroom she looked around to see if she could spot Dustin. She thought about texting him but knew she couldn’t. Not now after she’d stuck him in the friend zone and told him she was in love with someone else. The fact that she had admitted her feelings so openly and had been so naive as to use the L-word made her feel like crying. But she didn’t. She held herself together and patiently waited for her turn to go into the bathroom so she could see what Steven had blessed her with.
If she had texted Dustin, he wouldn’t have received it anyway. He was currently on a Bronx-bound subway to see his brother. After leaving the club and walking aimlessly for a few blocks, Dustin had texted Nicholas and asked for his address. When his brother wanted to know why, Dustin simply replied: Because I’m going to get on the subway right now and we’re going to hang. Dustin only had to wait a moment before receiving a pin for his brother’s location.
Besides the zoo when he was younger, Dustin had never been to the Bronx before. He had no idea what kind of neighborhood his brother was living in, or whether it was safe to go there at this time of night.
Dustin had thought about whether he should text Kimmie and let her know he’d left, but ultimately decided against it. She was a smart girl who must have known what she was doing, and she had dashed all his hopes. Dustin knew he had to let his dream go now, because he was smart, too and knew when to cut his losses. The only problem he had now was how he could turn off his feelings with the flip of a switch. He wondered how long it would take to get over something that never really began. He hoped Nicholas might have the answer.
XXIV
Anna hadn’t spent much time in nightclubs because they were not her boyfriend’s scene. Sure, she had been to a few over-the-top bar mitzvahs and sweet sixteens like this one, but she normally stayed in the VIP area at such soirees where she sat and watched. She was astonished by how much fun she was having dancing with Beatrice and her friends. She liked being a part of something larger than herself, as if the thump of the music was the heartbeat of a bigger organism, and she was just one of the cells. She was getting sweaty and was certain her hair was now atrociously unkempt, but it felt so good not to care.
When Anna felt someone come up behind her and start dancing a little too close she let it go on for a few seconds before she turned and confirmed what she already knew. It was Alexia. A smile escaped before she could stop it and without a word Vronsky put his hand on her lower back and pulled her close. She let him. He smelled incredible, like the time she walked through Muir Woods on a trip to San Francisco with her parents and declared she had never smelled air so clean and piney pure. “Is this what the air is supposed to smell like?” she had asked. Her parents laughed in response. She echoed the same statement in her head now. Is this what boys are supposed to smell like? She closed her eyes and kept dancing, because it was as if she had no other choice but to do so.
She lost track of how many songs they danced to together, as each song kept bleeding into the next. She didn’t notice when Beatrice and her friends left, but eventually she noticed the two of them were alone. They still hadn’t spoken to each other, but really there were no words that could express what was going on between them. They were both sweating, but neither noticed or cared. At times, both of Vronsky’s hands were on her back, and at times she ran her fingers through his golden hair. Sometimes he spun her around, spooning her and putting his face in the back of her neck, wrapping his arms around her waist. They moved together to the beat of the music. Either of them could only stand this for so long before one would pull back slightly, but it never lasted. Any amount of distance felt too far, and soon they were pressed up against one another staring into each other’s eyes. Anna was desperate to kiss him, to have him kiss her, but she knew that was the line she couldn’t cross. So instead she pressed her face into the side of his neck and breathed in his scent.
If someone saw them dancing together, they would just see two beautiful teenagers having a good time on the dance floor. There were hundreds of others around them in various states of intoxication and no one cared. What they cared about was feeling good, dancing with their friends, and the next song.
Lolly pointed them out to Steven, but they were rolling hard, so seeing Anna dancing with Vronsky didn’t mean much. If Lolly were asked about it the next day, she wouldn’t really be able to say what she had seen because while it looked like they were dancing a little too long and a little too close, all she could feel was happy about it. Steven was thrilled, too, not because Anna was dancing with Vronsky, but because his sister looked happier than he had seen her look in a long time. That was all that mattered, all that Steven wanted from a night on the town: everyone he loved reveling in the good life and saying fuck everything for the night, just like him.
While this was happening, Kimmie was in the middle of her own good time as she had met some bitchin’ girls in the bathroom line and, using all the skills she had learned from her competitive ice dancing days, stuffed down her emotions, put on her game face, and decided to get into character. Performance was all about commitment, and tonight she was committed to acting exactly like what she appeared to be—the third hottest sophomore on this year’s Hot List. And clearly it worked because she was noticed and a gaggle of other hot girls asked if she was holding. She nodded yes and said she was happy to share. And just like that, there were four pairs of designer heels standing around a dirty bathroom stall passing around a vial of cocaine. The trio were juniors at Nightingale and thanks to them, Kimmie had made a full recovery from her earlier rejection by Vronsky on the dance floor.
When the girls found out that she was Lolly’s little sister, the same Lolly who was the boyfriend of Steven K., the girls were supes impressed. Only one of them out of the whole group had scored an invite to Steven’s New Year’s party this past year, so she and Kimmie took turns telling the other two all about it. Now completely zooted, Kimmie told them about her first time doing Molly when she ended up in Steven’s mom’s bathtub. Everyone screamed in delight over her story, and eventually the four girls hit the dance floor.
Kimmie realized she had been wrong about dancing in an all-female pack. It was way more fun than dancing with a boy because you were free to just rock out to the music without caring if you had never heard of the song before or if your hair was stuck in your lip gloss. They soon got into a pattern where they’d dance for five songs in a row, and then they’d march back to the ladies’ room handicap stall.
When Kimmie next checked her phone, it was past three in the morning and she couldn’t believe it. She decided she needed to go check in with her sister, and the vial was empty so her new friends started murmuring that it was time for them to head out. (Blow is better shared, while the come-down is best suffered through alone.) Kimmie found Lolly sitting at the main bar, posting a few pics from the night on her Instagram. The two of them hugged when they saw each other and even took a rare sister selfie, and then laughed, knowing their newfound sibling affection was absolutely the result of drugs.
Lolly said Steven wanted to eat, so the plan was to go find a diner. Kimmie said she wasn’t hungry but was up to tag along for the ride. She began to tell her sister about the new friends she made and Lolly said she was pleased Kimmie had managed to ha
ve fun after all.
“What does that mean?” Kimmie asked. “After all what?”
Lolly squinted her eyes at her phone, distracted. “Oh, I thought maybe you left because of him.”
“Him? Him who?” Kimmie asked, more than a little confused. “Lolly, focus.”
Lolly looked up from her phone, now annoyed. “Kimmie, if this is what you’re like after a few toots, I don’t know if I like it.”
“Sorry, I just don’t know who you’re talking about. Did something happen with Dustin?”
“Dustin?” It was now Lolly’s turn to be confused. “God, we haven’t seen him since we got here. I think he left ages ago. I meant Vronsky.” Lolly pointed to the dance floor, and Kimmie turned and looked, immediately zeroing in on them. Anna and Vronsky were dancing together in the middle of the floor, not a millimeter of space between them. It appeared as if they both had their eyes closed.
Kimmie felt sick, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from them. They were dancing together like they were the only people in the club, oblivious to everything around them. But it was more than that—it was like they were magnetically attached, unable to be ripped apart. She tore her eyes away only when she felt her hot tears running down her cheeks. Kimmie grabbed a napkin off the bar, told Lolly she had to pee, and made a run for the bathroom. It was there in the same stall where earlier she had had so much fun that Kimmie let out everything she was feeling and cried and cried.
Lolly found her later and told her sister through the stall door that it was time to go. Kimmie couldn’t bear to face anyone. She would find her own ride home. Lolly banged on the door and refused. It was much too late for that. Kimmie was to “get her shit together, get it all together and put it in a backpack, all your shit, so it’s together,” and meet them by the exit in ten minutes. As Lolly walked away she flippantly announced her quote was from Rick and Morty. This only added more salt to Kimmie’s open wounds and she screamed back, “I hate you!” But her words were lost in the sounds of someone puking one stall over.
Lolly banged on the stall door fifteen minutes later, totally irate, and Kimmie saw she wasn’t alone. She recognized Anna’s go-go boots when she looked under the stall. Even though she knew she looked like a wreck, Kimmie opened the door anyway. Both Lolly and Anna were shocked at her appearance but neither said a word as she pushed past them. Kimmie heard them whispering to each other and turned back to them. “If we’re fucking going, let’s fucking go!” she hissed and then walked out of the bathroom, not caring anymore what they, or anyone else, might think of her.
XXV
Anna of course knew immediately when she saw Kimmie’s tearstained face what had happened, and her guilt over her part in the matter came at her fast and furious. She had been astounded when she saw it was close to four in the morning, which meant she had been dancing for the last several hours with Vronsky. If someone had told her it had only been ten minutes, she would have believed it, their time together had flown by so fast.
Lolly, wanting to cover for her sister’s behavior, blamed it on the fact that Kimmie was on coke for the first time and was probably suffering a harsh come-down. Anna didn’t correct Lolly’s assumption and instead told her she had just decided she wasn’t going to go home with them after all but would shut down the party with Beatrice and then take the 5:45 A.M. train back to Greenwich. Anna asked Lolly to tell Steven and Kimmie good-bye for her. Lolly nodded and left, secretly excited she and Steven now had the entire apartment to themselves, since Steven’s parents were in Greenwich for the weekend for a charity function at the country club. Steven had whispered something to her about “christening” every room, and Lolly was more than game to do so.
Anna spent a few minutes at the mirrors. She was completely devoid of makeup from all the sweaty dancing and her ’90s crimped hair was all sorts of crazy, but when she viewed her reflection the girl looking back was not a hot mess. If anything, Anna looked more alive and jubilant than she had seen herself in forever. She reminded herself that she had been basically doing cardio for the last several hours, so that was probably the cause. But even as she thought this, she knew better. This look she had; it was something special.
She dawdled in the bathroom for a while, waiting for the others to leave. The last thing she wanted was to face Kimmie again, seeing her anguish and betrayal. Steven, Lolly, and Kimmie were gone by the time she exited, and the party was winding down. She found Vronsky talking to Jaylen, the birthday girl, sitting with her father and his celeb friends. She studied him for a moment marveling at how at ease he was, so confidently himself, no matter who he was with. He spotted her and waved her to come close, holding out his hand. She took it and slid beside him onto the couch.
The DJ announced they were playing the last few songs. Vronsky looked at Anna, and she nodded. She had never closed a bar down let alone an entire nightclub, so she was more than willing. Besides, she didn’t feel tired at all.
The dance floor was alive again as revelers crowded the floor. They were all showing off for one another, dancing as a group. Vronsky whispered to Anna that seeing these basketball legends dance to “Rump Shaker” was something he would remember forever. When the last song came on, everyone screamed and threw their hands in the air. It was Heavy D & The Boyz’ “Now That We Found Love,” and Vronsky pulled Anna back into his arms, holding her close. He knew all the words, which made her laugh, and when the chorus started up she really took in the words, Now that we found love what are we gonna do … with it? There was no more perfect song for them than this one.
After the song ended, they walked toward the coat check hand in hand. Anna, still unable to forget Kimmie’s face, grew somber, and Vronsky asked her what was wrong. “I’m sad the night is ending,” she told him.
He nodded and said, “It doesn’t have to end now. We could go get pancakes.”
Anna shook her head and said in a quiet voice, “We can’t. I don’t even think we should leave together.”
Vronsky frowned and said no way was he letting her go home alone at this hour. That was when she told him she wasn’t going back to her New York apartment, but was heading back to Greenwich on the first train. Vronsky looked confused, but he didn’t question her about it. Instead he told her he needed to hit the restroom and asked her to wait for him. She said okay and watched him walk off, all the while knowing that by the time he came back, she would be gone.
An hour later, all traces of the sexy party-girl version of herself were gone except the lingering sparkle in her eyes. She had planned to take a car back to Greenwich when she left the club, but instead she started walking. Her dad would have been ripshit if he knew she was walking around alone in the dark, but as it was five in the morning the streets were totally empty. She had never experienced the city this way before, and she found it quite beautiful in its silence. Bundled up in a Loro Piana cashmere coat, Anna was now on the first train of the morning, which was mostly empty. She picked a window seat, put her feet up on the seat across from her, and yawned. When the train emerged out of the tunnel into the early morning daylight, she found herself feeling a little blue. She pulled out her phone, which she had ignored all evening, and saw that she had several missed calls from Alexander and two voice mails, which quickly brought her back to reality. She texted Alexander to tell him she was on the train heading back to Greenwich to see her dogs and go to bed, letting him know she’d call him whenever she woke up. Normally she added a heart emoji to the texts she sent him, but this time she sent her text without one. Such a small detail, she was sure he wouldn’t even notice.
When she looked out the window, she saw that it was snowing again. She leaned her forehead against the cool glass, watching the snowflakes until she fell asleep with a dreamy smile on her face.
She awoke with a start when the train jolted to a stop. Disoriented for a moment, Anna looked out the window to see the snow had turned to freezing rain. They weren’t stopped at a station but were delayed on the track. Her car was
empty except for one other person, who was asleep and snoring. She stood up, wondering what was going on, and decided to find out. In the next car over she found a uniformed employee who informed her that the heavy, wet snow had caused a tree branch to fall on the tracks ahead of them and there would be a slight delay while they waited for someone to clear the debris.
Anna walked back through the cars in a daze, yawning and sleepy. She was suddenly starving and decided to get a hot chocolate and a donut from the café car. Right as she was about to pay, someone put a fifty on the counter and said, “The lady’s breakfast is on me.” She whipped around to see Vronsky standing behind her. Her eyes widened in surprise, and she felt a rush of conflicting emotions. Of course she was happy to see him, more than happy, ecstatic even … but what did he think he was doing? He ordered himself a hot chocolate, too, and soon the two of them were seated across from each other in the first empty car they could find.
“What are you doing on this train?” she asked.
“I have to be where you are, so here I am. Plus, you didn’t even say good-bye.”
Anna blushed. “I didn’t know what to say.”
“Good-bye would have worked,” he said teasingly.
“Alexia, this is madness. You have to go back to the city.”
“I can’t,” he said, shaking his head. “I need to be here with you.”
“I have a boyfriend. And everyone knows him in Greenwich.”
“And I have an aunt and uncle there who are always happy to host their favorite nephew for as long as he would like.”