There in that kiss, I felt the last shred of goodness that had been keeping me afloat. He was all that kept me from drowning. I sincerely hoped that he would be able to save me from myself. I gathered up my sweater and followed Kennan from the room.
The doctors gave Kennan curious looks to which he responded with a dark glower. I swallowed. I knew that he had no idea about the way people looked at me. He was probably going to get a whole lot angrier. It didn’t bother me anymore. I was numb to everything it seemed. Or perhaps I was just too tired to notice.
As we made our way to the shrink’s office, I felt Kennan growing more and more irritated. With every wayward glance in my direction, I was pulled in closer. There was no discernible space left between our bodies by the time we made it to the office.
We arrived to find the head shrinker closing up shop.
“Oh, my dear, did no one tell you?" he asked confused.
“Well obviously not, I’m standing here. What was I not told?" I asked.
“There is a Council meeting, dear thing. We are to start reviewing the information found at the lab now that everyone is recovered," he said, sparing a look at Kennan.
“So?" I asked, still unsure of what was coming.
“So, we must hurry or we will be late. Someone really should have passed on this information," he mumbled as he motioned for us to follow him.
We ended up in an out building that was large enough to seat at least two hundred people. Along the front there was a long row of chairs. The setup reminded me of the Supreme Court. As soon as we entered, Kennan and I were ushered to two seats down in the front. We took our seats and I found a disgruntled Molly sitting next to me.
“When we are allowed to leave I’m so losing him. He’s driving me insane," she stage whispered with a heated look in Ian’s direction.
I snickered. The past month hadn’t been kind to poor Molly. She was constantly shocked by Ian’s fashion choices and hated that she had zero privacy. I could tell she was counting down the days until freedom. Little did she know, there would be no shaking him.
“Everyone rise for the honorable Council!" a voice shouted from the corner.
Everyone present stood as five people walked in. They varied in age and gender. There were two Guardians and three Seers on the Council, it would seem. The two Guardians looked to be in their early sixties as did two of the Seers on the Council. I wondered if they were paired. Then there was what must have been the head honcho. She walked in with a grace I had only ever dreamed of. There was something about her that seemed as though she had lived a thousand years in her lifespan. There was no denying her right to lead.
“Be seated," the woman said with more strength than her body seemed possible of producing.
“We’re here to review the happenings of the day the lab was infiltrated. These proceedings must go on uninterrupted. If there are any problems, or you must leave for any reason please do so quietly. Some of the things we will be seeing today might be disturbing, and for that I do apologize. It is, however, necessary. We must have all of the information," she said, looking directly at me.
I shivered, unsure of what was to come. The next few hours proved to be a lesson in patience and slow torture. They had brought in a screen to play back the security footage retrieved from the lab. I had to relive every horrifying moment of my time in the lab. The last of the tapes was brought in, and the Council leader removed herself from her chair, making her way toward me.
She bent over and looked me directly in the eyes. I felt as though she were tearing back layers of my soul. I stared back, afraid to avert my eyes or show any sort of weakness.
“This next bit will not be easy for you. However, you must stay. You need to see the truth," she said pointedly before motioning for the video to be started back up.
She retreated back up to her seat and left me wondering why she had singled me out. The moment the video started, I understood. There I was on the screen screaming and fighting against Xavier and his men as they dragged me to the table. They hooked me up to more tubes than I could count, and all the while I thrashed against my confines. I watched myself as I fought for freedom that I knew would be denied.
Then the worst started. They hooked me up to the machine and left me. The time stamp passed more quickly showing my body violently thrashing. I would rip the tubes from my arms only to have them replaced. It was a horrifying parade of every nightmare played on my mind. My body felt weary watching it all. I was still suffering this same torture. I knew that every night I still screamed out. I knew every night I still thrashed.
The time stamp slowed and I saw that a week had passed. So, I had been tortured for an entire week. Why had no one told me? I watched in horror as I saw what was about to play out. I saw Kennan rush in only to be knocked unconscious by Xavier. I saw myself pull out of the dreaming. I was terrified with what I saw.
I looked cold and calculating, as though every ounce of good had been stripped away. I wondered if I still looked that way. The tears started to flow as I watched myself end Xavier. It all played out so quickly and then it was over. I did nothing to stem the flow of tears. There was no point. They came of their own accord in response to things I had been repressing for far too long.
I watched as the time stamp skipped ahead, and I thought that I saw Xavier move. It couldn’t have been though, because I had severed his jugular. I had watched him bleed out. Then the time stamp skipped again and the room was empty. I looked back up to the Council head and saw her watching me. She nodded almost imperceptibly. Something had happened and I wasn’t sure what. Somehow the video had been altered, but I wasn’t sure if that meant Xavier was still alive, or if someone just wanted us to think that.
The meeting was drawn to an end with testimonies from all of the Guardians sent in to retrieve us. It was exhausting and by the end all I wanted to do was fall into bed with Kennan. I prayed for at least one night’s sleep.
**********
TWENTY NINE
The meeting came to an end and we were all ushered out. We were informed that there would be more Council meetings to discuss the goings on at the lab, but that we would most likely not be required to attend. I wasn’t sure I would be able to make it through another one of those meetings. I was exhausted. I felt like an empty shell of my former self.
Kennan grabbed my hand and dragged me behind him out of the door. He headed up to the living quarters and pulled me in his wake. He didn’t slow down when we reached the stairs, nor did he slow when we got to our floor. He kept pulling until we were inside the room he had been assigned. He closed the door behind me. He stood there for a second before turning me pinning me against the wall in the process.
He pushed me up the wall and kissed me fiercely. Fire rose in my belly and brought forth the first violent emotions I’d felt in days. I surrendered to the frenzy and allowed the fire to consume me and warm the darkest parts of my soul. I clung to Kennan and poured all of my unspoken fears and desires into the kiss. Allowing my base needs to take hold, I wrapped myself around his body.
He pulled me away from the wall and moved me to the bed, all the while kissing me like I would fade away at any moment. He lowered himself on top of me and slowed the kiss. He pulled back and rested his forehead against my own. He tried to calm his breathing as I tried to get myself back under control.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Izzy? Is it still that bad?" he asked with desperation.
“You almost died. I didn’t want to add that on top of it," I whispered.
“You didn’t answer me, is it still that bad?" he growled.
“Yes," I choked out as the tears came unbidden.
“Fuck, I’m blocking you, do you understand. You can’t go through that every night," he said as he stood and started pacing the room.
“I don’t want to be blocked. I have to figure out how to stop it. But, it just feels real still. I don’t know if they’re just remnants of my time there or if it is still happening. I can
’t be blocked off if I ever want to find out."
“It will eventually kill you, Izzy. I mean look at you. I’m coming into the dreaming with you tonight."
“You don’t want to see what happens there," I said, not wanting him to suffer through my own personal hell.
“I’m coming, end of conversation. We are going to put an end to this. I’m getting you back, Izzy. Do you understand me? I won’t let them strip away your goodness until all that is left of you is an empty shell."
I choked back a sob as it threatened to escape. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do to fight any harder. I was doing the best I could. I feared Kennan no longer wanted me. I wouldn’t want me. He was right. I was a husk of my former self.
He lowered himself in front of me as I sat on the edge of the bed. He looked up into my eyes and I saw pain written there. He hurt for me the way I hurt for him. I couldn’t hold back the sob any longer.
“I’m just so tired Kennan. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of being strong. I tried to be strong for you. I did, but I don’t think I can anymore."
“Well then, I’ll be strong enough for both of us." His gravelly voice was like a balm to my soul.
He forced me to meet his eyes once more and just looked at me. A thousand emotions played behind his eyes. Regret, fear, anger, compassion, and most of all love swirled in their depth. I stared back as the tears streamed down my cheeks.
“I love you. No matter what happens, nothing will change that. Do you understand me?" he said.
“But what if I don’t get better? I don’t want you to be with someone like this. I can’t do that to you," I whimpered and knew that it was the truth. I loved him too much to force him to stay with me as I wasted into nothing.
He stood up and pushed me back on the bed. He lowered himself over my body effectively caging me in. He looked me over assessing me. I started to avert my glance, afraid that I would find repulsion in his eyes. He took his hand and held my face in place, forcing me to meet his gaze once more.
“I’m here; now, tomorrow, the next day and the rest of forever. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, can take me away from you. I fought for too long against myself, against Xavier. Now that I really and truly have you, there is no escape. Got it?" he said as he stared at my lips.
“Got it," I whispered. I licked my lips under his steady gaze which caused him to moan.
He lowered his weight on top of my body as his lips met my own. His kiss was a slow prayer that soon built into a frenzy. His lips grazed down my chin and neck and back up. I wrapped my legs around his back and tried to pull myself as close to him as our clothes would allow. He pulled away and looked down at me. The heat burning behind his eyes caused a similar heat to pool bellow my belly.
He looked at me questioningly. I understood what he was asking without any words and I started to pull his shirt off in an answer. Once it was off, I stared at his glorious torso. His muscles rippled in all the right places. I ran my hands down his chest and traced the scar from where he’d been shot. I set about tracing each of his tattoos with my hands, my mouth following close behind. I’d dreamed of kissing his skin a thousand times. Those wretched dreams paled in comparison to the reality.
The heat of his skin met my lips as I slowly explored his torso. He growled and pushed me back down onto the bed pulling my shirt off in the process. He pulled a breath in through his teeth as he took in the sight of me. He landed a brief kiss to my lips before working his way down my neck, my collar bone, and finally just between my breasts. The scruff from his five o’clock shadow gently scratching as he went causing bumps to rise all over my body.
He kissed down the rest of my torso to my hipbone, my hips raised up to meet him. He took his hands and removed my pants slowly, leaving me lying in only my underwear. He kissed further down as he removed my jeans. I moaned and I longed for more. I needed him in a way that I’d never known I could need anything.
He stood and looked down at me.
“Are you sure this is what you want, Izzy? Because there is no going back," Kennan said in a voice that almost sounded menacing.
“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life," I said, pulling him back to the bed while unhooking his pants.
He pushed his jeans off, revealing all of his glorious perfection. He bent over me and pulled away the last barrier between us. We spent the next few hours playing out every scenario I had ever dreamed. I couldn’t get enough of him. Each time I cried out he would push me farther. I was sure anyone remotely close to us would be requesting a room change the next day. I didn’t care though. I had waited far too long for Kennan and now I had him.
We were entwined in one another. My legs wrapped in and around his as I rested my head on his chest. His heartbeat was a steady rhythm that soothed my weary soul. I lay there, unable to speak as he ran his fingers up and down my back, memorizing the contours of my body. I sighed, if I were to die today, I would die happy.
“What are you thinking, Izzy?" Kennan grumbled out, drowsily.
“That this is perfect. It was worth everything that I’ve been through. If I had to do it all over again, I would," I said, and realized it was the truth. It had all brought us together and I wouldn’t change a second of it.
He bent over and kissed the top of my head as he continued to trace my body making my flesh rise under his touch.
“Not perfect yet, but it will be," he said, and I was confused. I wondered if I had done something wrong. I looked up into his face and saw concern there.
“What’s wrong?"
“I just keep thinking about the way your body looked strapped to that machine. I keep thinking about that night in the recovery room. I wasn’t strong enough to help you then. I hope I am now," he said as his brows furrowed.
I turned onto my stomach so that I could look at him. I brushed my fingers across his furrowed brow trying to smooth it out. I planted gentle kisses all along the face that I loved so much.
“Well, we have to sleep soon because I really am exhausted. If you want to wait and try tomorrow, I will understand. If it gets too bad, just go find Molly. She can usually break into my thoughts and pull me from the dream." I hated putting any pressure on him.
“No, we’re going to do this together. So you just rest and if it happens I’ll be there," he said, pulling me in for a kiss before I snuggled back down.
**********
THIRTY
I laid my head against Kennan’s chest and let his heartbeat lull me to sleep. I felt myself slip into the dreaming even as I clung to the present. I couldn’t stop it no matter how hard I fought. It always managed to drag me under.
**********
I was in a car dangling off of the edge of a bridge that had collapsed. I knew the bridge. It was a favorite of my tortures. This was the very bridge I had stopped from collapsing. That didn’t change the fact that it was gone now.
Water rushed violently below me and I wondered if this time I would be able to make it out of the car. I unbuckled my seatbelt and started to crawl toward the back of the car. I hoped that I would be able to put more weight on the back and keep it from falling.
As I moved the car began to slip, just like it always did. I looked back down through the windshield and saw remnants of cars that had fallen before me. I tried to get in the back more quickly. I made it and went to open the door. The doors seemed to be welded shut.
The only way out was blocked. I was trapped and I was going to fall. Just as the car began to make its final slip off of the bridge, I felt a strong hand grasp my arm and pull me out. As soon as my feet touched the ground the car fell from the bridge.
“I’ve got you, Izzy. You’re safe," Kennan said as he pulled me against his chest. I breathed out slowly as everything went black and I was sucked into oblivion.
**********
I spent the rest of the night sleeping peacefully for the first time in more than a month. He had kept his word, he had come for me. The next morni
ng I woke up feeling more like myself than I had in ages. I was still wrapped in Kennan’s arms and I looked up to find him watching me.
“Thank you," I mumbled against the sheet.
“What? I can’t understand you with sheet in your mouth, Iz.”
I turned my head away from his and said it again.
“Thank you.”
“What are you doing?" Kennan asked, bemused.
“I have stinky, morning breath. I’m trying not to kill you," I said into the pillow.
He pulled me so that I was looking at him and I tried to keep a sheet or something between us so that I didn’t murder him with my swamp breath.
He just pulled me closer and gave me a firm, closed-mouth kiss.
“I love you, you strange and glorious girl," he said into my hair as I tried to hide my face again.
I squirmed out of the bed and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed that some of the swelling had already gone down under my eyes. I also had a spark back in them that had been missing. I wasn’t back to being one hundred percent myself yet, but I knew with Kennan’s help I would be just fine.
I returned to the bed and threw myself on him. I ravaged him thoroughly before we left for the second Council meeting.
**********
We got to the meeting and took our seats. I noticed that there were far fewer people present at this meeting. I knew we didn’t have to be there, but I felt like I wanted to take in everything I could. I wanted to gather all of the information I possibly could so that I would be able to figure out what to do next. I knew that there was something amiss. I could tell from the look on Kennan’s face that he felt it as well. Molly and Ian joined us just before the meeting started.
“You look better, Izzy," Molly whispered as she sat with a knowing twinkle in her eye.
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