That’s all I can tell Nadia at the moment. I pick up the next bed’s chart and look at it while talking lively, putting on a facade of a working doctor as usual.
“Good morning, Loong. How are you today? Want to go home already?”
…………
It’s almost noon when I get a chance to sit down and talk with Nadia.
We sit at a small rest area for doctors in a corner of the Observation Ward. It is quiet and secluded. I tell Nadia about the messages from the person who meant well, the envelope with a key and key card, the moment when I opened the door and what I saw, the things that were going on between them, and how dazed I was when I walked out.
I end it by saying I was just a temporary bed-warmer to P'Por.
Nadia listens in silence, nodding occasionally. When I finish, he reaches over to touch the back of my hand.
“So, there’s nothing between you and him anymore?”
I think this question doesn’t require an answer, because it is crystal clear and I think Nadia doesn’t want any reply. He is simply saying it to conclude the whole event, and I nod to confirm it.
“Nadia, I’m sorry for disappearing on you. I didn’t want to tell you about it yet. You’ve only recently started going out with Mayom and I didn’t want to be a bother and dump my troubles on you.”
“What the hell is going on with you?” Nadia sounds miffed.
“You and I, we’ve been friends since we took the first steps up the stairs to the Faculty of Medicine. What made you think you were going to be a bother? Mayom might be my special someone now, but damn it, he came into my life after you, Tawan.”
I already know Nadia holds me so dear… But it feels really nice to hear him saying it aloud.
“Thanks, Nadia. But, hey, so you’re referring to him as your special someone now?”
“You want me to call him my hubby or what?” Nadia hisses back at me.
“Anywayyy, where have you been last night? I didn’t see any light from your room. You broke up with P'Por so you should have come back to the dorm, no? Or did you sleep at the hospital?”
“Uh, I…”
That’s another thing I haven’t told him yet.
“Uh what? Where were you? Don’t tell me you went to get dead drunk without inviting me. I’d be so much more mad at you!”
“Uhhhh damn! It’s not that! I didn’t get drunk anywhere. I just went to sleep over…” I steal a glance at Nadia. “...at Mork’s house.”
“Uh-huhhhhh!” Besides prolonging his exclamation, Nadia gives me a glare so intense it feels as if it could pierce through my skin. He also pinches me with a finger and a thumb. “Not half bad, bitch. A new guy standing in the line as soon as you dumped the old one.”
“Owww! That hurt like hell, Nadia.” I rub my upper arm up and down. Ouch, what a death-grip pinch! Hope it won’t turn into a bruise. “Jeez, Mork isn’t my new guy. He’s a friend, come on.”
Nadia squints his eyes staring at me.
“Oh yeaaaaaah? Just friends, are you?”
I hurriedly nod. But that makes me even more suspicious, like I’ve indeed done something illegal. Without blinking, Nadia stares at me, eager to learn the truth. He does know that my answer was not the truth he’s looking for.
“Friends, you say? Well, let’s see.”
Nadia struts to a bookshelf in the rest area, grabs Harrison's Principles of Internal Medicine textbooks, and sets both volumes down in front of me.
“Here, in front of Dr. Harrison, your most idolized and revered Father of Medicine, be honest and tell me. You’re into Mork, aren't cha?”
Nadia knows my weakness… In front of Harrison's internal medicine textbooks, the divine textbooks of internal meds students, I don’t have it in me to lie. But my lips feel too heavy to move and verbally say it, so I slowly nod and keep my head down, lowering my gaze.
“You nodded, that means yes. Right?”
Nadia double checks.
I nod as a reply, still keeping my gaze lowered.
“What’s the matter, Tawan?” Nadia questions. “Why are you not looking at me?”
“I feel bad.” I reply.
“Feel bad? Because I asked these things? Shit, I’m sorry!”
He apologizes in a rush.
I shake my head. “Not because you asked. It’s me. I don’t know how to explain. Kind of like there’s this big jumble of feelings in my head. There are three parts of it. First part is I feel so sad about the things with P'Por. Second part, I feel good at the same time because I’ve admitted to you that I like Mork. I really do like him.”
I pause, looking at my best friend.
Nadia looks straight into my eyes, waiting for me to continue.
“The last part is I feel bad...about myself.”
“It’s the result of the first and second part happening at the same time, I know it. I’ve just broken up with P'Por, I should be sad, only sad, and I shouldn’t feel good about another man right after.
But it happened, Nadia. I like Mork. Which makes me ask myself what kind of person I am. It means while I was going out with P'Por, I started having feelings for Mork, right?”
I struggle to swallow a lump in my throat before going on.
“So, to be fair… I must say I was also cheating on P'Por. If the incident with his ex hadn’t suddenly come up and intervened, who would have been guilty of ruining this relationship… Who do you think?”
I end with a question. It's rhetoric, doesn’t need an answer because the answer is right here, it is I. Nadia doesn’t say anything and just nods.
“Therefore, it’s not entirely on him. I was equally guilty. Just that his actions were the catalyst that hastened our breaking up.” I conclude, but Nadia disagrees.
“You had a point. But if that’s your conclusion, I gotta dispute.”
“Why? It’s two-timing. No matter with whom, a new one or an old one, that’s cheating.” I argue.
“But he had an affair with the other person behind your back.” Nadia claims.
“What difference is there? I kept things about Mork and I a secret from P'Por, too.” I feel they are the same thing.
Nadia let out a sigh.
“You’re not getting the point, Tawan. Old one or new one doesn’t make any difference. The difference lies in that you and Mork are actually still friends. It’s hard to tell when you started having feelings for him. But you did build a wall between you and him, to keep it at friendship level. Although you had feelings for him, you didn’t do anything to advance the status of your relationship with Mork.”
Nadia touches the back of my hand as if to reinforce my focus.
“You like him, alright. But what is the relationship between you two?”
“We’re...friends.”
I utter my reply, to which he nods.
“Right, you and Mork are still friends. But P'Por crossed the line. That guy isn’t just his ex-lover. He built a new relationship on an old foundation. He didn’t build a wall. He didn’t do anything to prevent it.”
I listen quietly, my lips tightened into a line while Nadia keeps talking.
“Simply put, Tawan, you were still faithful to him, while he wasn't faithful to you anymore. So, that’s the difference. A huge difference. It’s okay for someone to like many people. It’s the heart’s nature. But we can’t have a romantic relationship with more than one person, that’s unfaithful.”
Nadia hit the nail on the head. He’s smart and good at filtering everything he says with his mesh of logic. Many a time has his awakening speech saved me from my own mistakes.
I bow my head in a nod. “Thanks, buddy.” Although the bad feeling doesn’t immediately disappear, it really has diluted to a degree. I look at Nadia’s face. This is truly the friend that the universe has prepared for me. It’s not like I am white and he’s black, or vice versa. He is the one who points it out to me that there is more to it than just black and white. There are grey and brown as well.
I exhale
a long sigh while stretching to get rid of the stiffness in my muscles. “Ughhhhhh.” My back feels tired. Though I slept well last night, sleeping on a mattress on the floor is perhaps not good for my back.
“Oh, and just smash the wall already, Tawan.” Nadia gets up and takes Harrison’s books back to the shelf. End of interrogation, there is no more need for the divine textbooks as a witness to make sure I do not lie.
“What wall?”
I turn to ask mid-stretch.
“You see, the wall that separates you and Mork.”
Nadia replies and shrugs.
“Actually, you don’t need to smash it, because it’s already destroyed itself. I mean… Since Mr. P'Por has already cheated on you with his ex, there’s no obstacle between you and Mork anymore.”
“To be precise, he didn’t cheat on me. He cheated on his boyfriend with me. I was the secret lover.”
I corrected his statement. Though it makes me feel somewhat bad, this is the truth.
“Yeah, whatevs, whatsoever. You and P'Por are done. No more Por-Tawan time. From now on, it will be Mork-Tawan time. You know?”
I can sense the excitement in Nadia’s voice.
“You no longer have P'Por. It’s over. What wall can there be to keep you away from Mork now?” Then, Nadia seats himself in a chair next to me. “Frankly, I’ve been shipping you and Mork so hard. You might not have noticed, but in my eyes, you guys have some serious positive chemistry.”
I roll my eyes at him.
“You’ve seen Mork with me once or twice, what chemistry can you possibly notice? Come on!”
“Meh, look at it this way, I saw you guys once or twice and can still sense it. It means the chemistry between you two is that strong.” Nadia argues, to which I say nothing but needlessly look into a case’s chart and flip between the pages. When I look back at him, he’s still staring at my face.
“What is it, Nadia?”
“You’re internally blushing.”
“Nope! I’m not!” I quickly refuse while reading the same page up and down.
“Apparently, you are! Hey, you’ve already admitted that you like him, what’s so difficult in this? It’s 2018 now, you can’t be lagging behind, or someone else will nab the guy. Don’t forget, Mork was featured in the #HandsomeWinPleaseShare, I bet half of the girls in Bangkok want to ride on his passenger seat. Seriously, it’s first come, first served.”
I close the chart and look at Nadia.
“Nadia, have you forgotten something? I like Mork, yep. Alright, I did admit. But first thing, for two people to start a relationship, the other person needs to like me too. It won’t work one-way.”
Thud! Oof!!!
Nadia smacks me on the back with his fist so hard I almost tumble onto the floor.
“Hey! That hurt like hell. Why did you hit me? You Hulk sissy!”
It did hurt for real, I am not exaggerating it. Nadia goes to the gym everyday and he lifts those epic weights. And he hit me with all his might when I am like half his size, just think about it.
“To wake you up, bitch! You midget sissy.” Nadia replies, giving me a stern gaze with his arm crossed. “Have you no inkling at all that Mork is into you, really?” He asks and then flicks my face with a finger.
I narrow my eyes at him while still rubbing my own back.
“Mork? Into me? What? Nadia, but he had a girlfriend before. No way!”
Nadia raises his hand like he wants to smash me again. I run away and hide behind a chair. “Nope, not that again! No more smashing. And you pinched me. I’m not a cotton fruit,[65] you’re not supposed to effing hit me, bitch.”
My rudeness level changes according to the physical forces being used.
“Tawan, it’s 2018 already. Gender is something we should unattach and leave at home before going out, isn’t it? Gender is fluid! And so what? Maybe a manly guy like Mork just loves small critters, regardless of gender.”
“That's nonsense.” Although I disagree with Nadia, deeply I can feel my heart racing faster when I start to think that perhaps Mork might like me the same way I like him…
I wonder if this kind of feeling...
Is what they call hope…
“You know, Hainanese chicken rice with lots of hearts is not a dish some guy would find and buy for a friend. You’ve been my friend since freshman year, have you ever felt like getting it for me?”
Nadia gives me a nasty look.
I shake my head. “Ha! Never.”
“There, is it not a hint? It says He. Does. Like. You.”
Nadia emphasizes by smacking his fist on the table once with each of the last four syllables.
“........”
I don’t know how to reply.
“Ugh, I’m tired of this. Preaching to you is like talking to a brick wall.” Nadia makes a contemptuous face at no one in particular. “Let’s go eat. It’s a bit late and I’m hungry.”
“Uh-huh...okay.”
I put the chart back and get up to follow behind while thinking about Mork…
Not that I haven’t given it a thought… I did think about it.
Not that I haven’t been hoping… I do hope for it.
But sometimes, what harms us is the thought.
And sometimes, what hurts us is the hope.
If I don’t think and don’t hope, and just let it be, Mork will keep being the same Mork to me, staying close and making me feel warm and secure. I have absolutely no idea what will happen if I “smash the wall” like Nadia instructed. I don’t know what awaits behind that wall. It can be good, Mork and I might end up becoming boyfriends.
But it can also be bad. Perhaps Mork doesn’t like me in that sense, and if he finds out how I feel towards him, maybe our friendship won’t be the same anymore.
It’s really tough…
…………
The issue keeps hanging in the air and does not go away easily, but I have been so busy with my duty that I never have time to give it any consideration.
It is so true what they said about duties. Your own duties are always fine but once you trade your duty slots with someone else, hell will break loose.
When I walk from ICU to CCU, I get on my Facebook and update my status to “Just kill me. Can’t take this duty anymore.” Then, things get more hectic and I don’t have a chance to touch my phone again until the break when it gets dark.
My stomach grumbles. I call Nadia but he says he’s so busy he won’t go for dinner, and that I should eat on my own. Later tonight he will come over to meet up with me at the doctors’ break room, if he can find the time, that is.
Understandably, our duties are extremely draining and we’re doing the Serng equally hard. I’ll simply let him be in his part of hell, while I stay in mine. Looking at the clock, I realize my only option will be the 7-Eleven in front of the hospital at this hour.
Heading down the stairs from the emergency department, a familiar voice calls out to me.
“Oh, hey, doctor. Perfect timing!”
It is Mork, with a bag of Hainanese chicken rice in his hand.
“Well,” he smiles awkwardly (you can picture it, right?) while approaching.
“Umm, I was afraid you were too busy to get anything for dinner. You seem super busy, I saw it from your Facebook. So I bought you a package of Hainanese rice. I planned to leave it for you at the emergency room desk, but I happened to bump into you.”
Then, he gives me the bag of food.
“Hainanese chicken rice for you, doc. With lots of hearts. So you can keep up with work.”
I take the bag from him. The feelings flood within me and it’s overwhelming. Not because of the Hainanese rice. Not because I’ve just been heartbroken. Not because he’s the only one who can comfort me. Not because I feel secure when he’s around. Not because of the warm and tingling sensation inside my chest that I get whenever I’m near him.
It is because of all of the above. Everything. Small things that accumulate into a heap inside. It’s like
this package of Hainanese rice is the last small piece, being put on the top of this whole mountain range of the wonderful feelings that have been adding up. It’s like there’s an earthquake in me which prompts a tsunami to unleash from within.
I guess this is the point where the wall is really destroyed. The point where I no longer feel any barrier that draws a territory border between keeping the feelings quietly and telling him how I feel. The overwhelming tsunami of feelings and words has overtaken my heart and soon arrives at my tongue.
I keep eye contact and open my mouth, waiting for the words to flood out.
“Hmmm? What’s up, doc?”
He returns the gaze, smiling, and asks.
I feel as if my heart and my brain exploded loudly.
But in reality, my voice comes out so softly it can barely be heard between the two of us.
“Mork… I like you.
My Ride, I Love You Page 31