by Deb Kastner
A grown man weeping.
“Tanner?” she whispered, reaching out to him and grasping his biceps.
He turned and wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her hair as he silently sobbed. She gripped him as tightly to her as she could, their unborn baby tucked between them. She didn’t say a word, but simply allowed him to release his emotions for as long as he needed her. She was his literal shoulder to cry on, and there was nowhere on earth she’d rather be.
After a minute or two, he stiffened and pulled back, pressing his palms over his eyelids to wipe away all traces of tears. He then jammed his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and turned away from her once again, clearly struggling to lock down his feelings.
She rubbed a palm over his back. He might want to pull away from her and bury his emotions, but she wasn’t going to let him.
Not this time.
Where had that thought come from?
It stunned her with as much electricity as a lightning bolt would have done.
It must have come from somewhere, but what did it mean? Was something from her past trying to edge out and jolt her current reality?
No. This couldn’t be happening. She’d been desperately trying to discover her past during the last few weeks, but this wasn’t the time for her amnesia to disappear. There was only so much she could deal with at once.
With effort, she pushed those thoughts aside to dwell on later. Right now, Tanner needed her.
“Talk to me,” she whispered, her voice cracking as tears slid down her cheeks.
“I just... I hoped... I prayed that I’d be wrong this time.”
“I know.”
“How could she do this to Mackenzie?”
“Mackenzie’s not the only one Lydia has hurt today,” Rebecca pointed out, wanting Tanner to talk about his own feelings. Yes, the most urgent and pressing matter was how they were going to deal with Mackenzie, but Rebecca didn’t think what was going to happen to the little girl was the only reason Tanner was having a breakdown. For a moment, when he’d first turned around and embraced her, she’d glimpsed in his eyes the little boy who’d had to give up his own life to take care of his little sister.
Now she saw a man ready to give up his own life to take care of his little sister’s child.
Tanner ignored Rebecca’s prompt.
“What are we going to tell her?” he asked, his voice ragged. “We promised her that she’d see her mama today. Now it’s very likely that she won’t see her mama for years, maybe not until she’s an adult herself. I doubt Lydia is going to be any more open to jail visits from me and her daughter than she was before. It makes me sick that she’s abandoned her own child in this way.”
“Poor Mackenzie. I shouldn’t have said anything to her about her mama coming around,” Rebecca said, thinking back to what she’d told the preschooler. “You tried to warn me there was a possibility Lydia wouldn’t follow through with the supervised visitation. I should have listened to you and waited until she was here before I mentioned anything.”
Tanner tucked her under his shoulder and brushed a kiss against her hair. “You couldn’t have known things would play out the way they did.”
“But you knew.”
He shook his head and was about to say more when Peggy entered the room carrying a wide-eyed Mackenzie on her hip.
“Any news?” she asked, plopping Mackenzie down in the corner next to her toys.
“They found Lydia,” Rebecca said softly.
“I didn’t know they lost her. What happened?”
“Long story short,” said Tanner, “she snuck out of the restaurant where she was supposed to be working and headed straight back to her old friends—and her old life. The police caught her selling drugs.”
“Oh my,” Peggy breathed. “What’s going to happen now?” She glanced toward Mackenzie.
Tanner set his jaw. “I’m going to seek permanent guardianship. I want to adopt her as soon as the courts will allow.”
She knew he was really shaken up, but there were two things about Tanner’s statement that bothered Rebecca.
First, he’d said I, not we. Second, he didn’t look at her when he said it.
Her heart clenched and she laid a protective hand over her belly.
Did he not see her as a permanent part of this picture? She was his wife. This was their family. She couldn’t let that shake her. Not on something this important.
“I agree,” Rebecca said, verbally throwing her hat into the ring. “We should make this arrangement with Mackenzie permanent.”
“I’m her only living relative, so it should be pretty straightforward. I’m the most logical person to take over her guardianship.”
Peggy raised her brow and looked from Tanner to Rebecca, who shrugged miserably. But now wasn’t the time to bring this up with Tanner. It was a discussion they needed to have sooner rather than later, but first they needed to break the news to Mackenzie that her mama wasn’t coming for a visit.
She reached out and took Tanner’s hand, offering her support even though he hadn’t asked for it.
He blew out a breath, combed his fingers back through his hair and led Rebecca to the corner where Mackenzie was playing.
He crouched to the three-year-old’s level. “What would you say to a hot-fudge sundae at Cup O’ Jo’s Café?”
“Yes, please,” the little girl answered with a big smile. “Are we going to bring my mama with us?”
Tanner’s panicked gaze met Rebecca’s.
“I’m afraid not, sweetheart,” Rebecca said tentatively. “She wanted us to tell you that she loves you lots and she’s sorry she couldn’t make it to visit you today.”
“Oh.” The smile left the child’s lips, but only for a moment. “Can I have strawberry ice cream instead?”
All three adults let out a sigh of relief. If only they could pivot their emotions as easily as children did.
“Strawberry it is, then,” Tanner promised. “You can even get two big scoops if you want.”
“With a cherry on top,” Rebecca promised. “If you like cherries, that is.”
“Yummy,” Mackenzie assured her, and then turned serious. “What’s your favorite flavor, Auntie Rebecca?”
Her eyes widened. What was her favorite flavor of ice cream? She didn’t have a clue.
“Mint chocolate chip smothered in chocolate sauce,” Tanner answered for her.
That did sound good—or at least, good enough to try.
“Can I get that at Cup O’ Jo’s?” she asked.
“Absolutely. They have the best ice cream ever.”
Rebecca’s stomach rumbled. “I think I’m having a pregnancy craving.”
Not that she really knew what a pregnancy craving felt like. She was just hungry all the time.
“Well, then, girls, we’d best get you all to Cup O’ Jo’s, pronto.”
Rebecca watched Mackenzie closely, but the little girl really did seem okay with not seeing her mother today. Rebecca thanked God she hadn’t said more about the visit when she’d mentioned Lydia to Mackenzie in the first place. How much worse could she have made it?
But now they needed to look forward—to pulling together as a family and adopting precious Mackenzie.
She glanced at Tanner, who was still a tense wall of tight muscles. She suspected it would take him a good deal longer to process what was happening than it had with Mackenzie.
Was he blaming himself?
Why would he? None of this was his fault. And yet ultimately, just as it had been when he was a young boy caring for his sister, the responsibility to make all things right fell upon him. He would blame himself for Lydia’s crimes. Maybe he didn’t realize it, but Lydia returning to jail might just be the best thing that could have happened to Mackenzie. She was going to grow up in a happy family. Ta
nner would love her and protect her, something her own mother could never do.
Not only that, but Tanner wasn’t alone this time. Rebecca was here now, and no matter what her memories did or did not eventually reveal, she and Tanner were building a new relationship together, one she vowed she would not leave.
Chapter Eleven
All the next week, Tanner brooded about what to do with his family. His emotions were all over the place. He was angry and frustrated about Lydia, who was already back in jail—but that was her problem. She’d made her choices, and he just had to let that go.
Was it wrong that, in a way, he was happy Mackenzie got to stay with them? During the time the little girl had been part of their family, he had grown to love her as much as if she were his own daughter and not just his niece. Rebecca had indicated she felt the same way and was helping him do the necessary due diligence to find out how to permanently adopt Mackenzie into their family.
He knew he stood a much better chance of an adoption successfully going through with Rebecca by his side. While Tanner was Mackenzie’s only other blood relative, being able to offer her a home with both male and female role models would be a huge boon to him.
So it was all going as well as it might, and that was what worried Tanner most of all.
He’d been seeing little things with Rebecca—stuff he wasn’t sure she even consciously thought about but that were singular to her. The way she loaded the dishwasher, for example. Plates went in one direction by size, silverware facing downward—spoons first, forks second and knives at the back, where Mackenzie couldn’t reach them should she accidentally get into the dishwasher. The way Rebecca folded laundry. It was a chore he enjoyed doing with her—something they’d done at the beginning of their marriage but had lost as the years went on and Tanner had gotten more focused on the ranch. He would fold a T-shirt and put it on the pile, only to have Rebecca take it off again and fold it correctly. That was exactly what she used to do, back when they were first married, only he was fairly sure she didn’t even know it.
He was definitely falling back in love with his wife and for the first time in years, was looking forward to their future together—him, Rebecca and their growing family. But what would happen when she regained her memory?
This could all be gone in a flash, and he wasn’t sure he could survive another heartbreak like the one he’d suffered before. And this one would be a million times worse, now that Mackenzie and their unborn son figured into the picture.
The day Lydia hadn’t shown up to visit with Mackenzie, he had spoken of taking responsibility for her—him alone. He’d seen the hurt in Rebecca’s eyes and knew it was because he hadn’t included her in his declaration.
But how could he? She would never forgive him for all the mistakes he’d made in their marriage, if only she knew. He couldn’t ask her to stay around for the children’s sake. It wasn’t fair to ask her to make that kind of sacrifice. And he wasn’t sure he could live with her knowing she couldn’t stand to be in the same room with him.
No. He wanted a real marriage in every way, love, respect and support weaving through every aspect of both of their lives.
There was no good answer.
He was grateful to have Rebecca here now. After the day Lydia had ditched them, Mackenzie had gone back to having nightmares and crying out in the night, suffering just as she’d done when her mother had first gone away.
This time, though, Rebecca was there with her. Mackenzie responded to her sweet, female voice as Rebecca sang gentle lullabies and assured the child all was well. Rebecca was such a natural with the preschooler, and she was going to be an equally amazing mother to their son.
Tanner had come up with an idea that he thought might help Mackenzie through the worst of her nightmares and provide her with a special kind of companionship so she wouldn’t be alone in the night. Likewise, his son would be blessed. And it would also go a long way into putting himself into Rebecca’s good graces—or at least, he hoped it would.
There was a time when his surprise would have gone well, beyond a doubt, and he wouldn’t be feeling as worried as he was right now.
But now he wasn’t so sure about his actions. He prayed some things hadn’t changed—but the truth was, he wasn’t sure of anything anymore. For better or for worse, he couldn’t go on until he came clean about everything.
He just couldn’t continue to go on without a clean slate. He wasn’t exactly lying, but by allowing her amnesia to wipe out the bad parts of their marriage, he might as well be. A real marriage was the mixture of the ups and the downs, the highs and lows, the sadness along with the joy. The fights—and making up again. Not about letting the sun go down on their anger—and then allowing months to go by with no sun at all in their relationship.
It was time to tell Rebecca the truth—the whole truth.
He’d speak with Peggy and see if she couldn’t watch Mackenzie one day this week, and he would take Rebecca someplace special—their own private spot on the river where he had proposed, and where she had allowed him to slide the diamond solitaire—one she no longer wore—on her finger. He didn’t even know what she’d done with her wedding ring—only that when she’d first arrived back in Serendipity, she hadn’t been wearing it.
He pulled his truck into his neighbor Nick McKenna’s driveway and shut off the engine. Like Tanner, Nick was a rancher, with a family spread twice the size of Tanner’s and double the head of cattle.
What Tanner didn’t have was a dog. And what Nick did have, at the moment, was a whole litter of them. Tanner had pulled Nick aside the previous Sunday and inquired about getting one of the puppies for his niece.
Rebecca had grown up with dogs and after the miscarriage, she had begged Tanner to let her get one, but he’d always held off. He didn’t even know why, really. He liked dogs as much as the next man. It had just never seemed like the right time. It wasn’t as if he didn’t have enough responsibilities already, and Rebecca hadn’t been in any kind of condition to take care of a puppy.
Now, though, he thought a puppy might be just the thing to brighten everyone’s day. And getting a sheltie made good business sense to him, as well.
Nick met him at the truck and shook his hand.
“Ready to go see the pups?” he asked. “I’m warning you now, they’re a real handful. Loud and wiggly.”
That was kind of the point, and Tanner grinned at his friend.
Nick led him into his house and back to the den.
“I gotta admit—I spoil my dogs. Most working dogs sleep in the barn, but I’ve always kept mine inside with me.”
Tanner’s eyes widened when he saw the five wiggly multicolored, brown-eyed poof balls running around the room or wrestling with each other. Only the puppies’ mama appeared calm—or maybe exhausted—lying on her side in her doggie bed. With all the din in the room from barking puppies, Tanner could hardly make out Nick’s voice when he spoke.
“Are you looking for a male or female?” Nick asked. “I’ve got two males and three females, although I think one of the males has been spoken for.”
“I don’t know,” Tanner admitted, feeling slightly overwhelmed. He hadn’t actually gotten past the idea of getting a puppy. He had no idea how to choose one. “I’m embarrassed to admit I never really thought about it. This is sort of an impulse purchase for my wife and my niece.”
Nick grinned. “Trust me. There’s no better way to a woman’s heart than with a puppy.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m hoping. I need to win over a couple of hearts in that house.”
If anyone would know about winning female hearts, it would be Nick McKenna. He’d dated almost every single girl in Serendipity at one time or another, and had now moved on to a pretty blonde who was new in town.
“Feel free to look them over and interact with them. You can take as much time as you want.”
T
anner vaguely waved his hand toward the puppies. “How do I choose which one will be best for Rebecca and Mackenzie? Or does it matter?”
“Take a seat,” Nick said, gesturing toward an old couch.
Immediately, the puppies came to investigate him, and soon he had five wiggly bodies all around him. This was more confusing than just watching them play on the floor, and Tanner barely kept himself from pointing out that this was going to make the choice harder, not easier. He couldn’t even tell one puppy from another.
“You look a little overwhelmed,” Nick remarked, punctuating his sentence with a laugh.
“You think?”
“It’s been my experience that if you’re patient, a puppy will choose you. Just let them have a little time with you and see what happens.”
“Okay.” Tanner slid off the couch and knelt on the floor, letting the puppies come to him and trying his best to tell one from the other. He watched for differences in their colored coats and the crazy characteristics that went along with each pup.
After a few minutes, he was starting to be able to distinguish one puppy from another. The two male pups were the wrestlers. They’d come up and sniff him from time to time, but then would immediately go back to their game, rolling over each other, oblivious that he was still sitting there.
The three females showed considerably more interest in their guest. All three were pretty, with fluffy multicolored, blue-merle coats he knew would delight Rebecca and Mackenzie. Any one of the three would work, he decided as he picked up one and set her on his lap, running his hand over her soft coat for a moment. This one had character, bumping his palm to be petted and then plopping right down in his lap and rolling over for a tummy scratch. Tanner chuckled and willingly obliged.
After a moment, Tanner set her down and scooped up the next.
But as he placed the second one back on the floor and started to reach for the third, the first little puppy crawled back onto his lap, nosing her way in, and she stubbornly refused to give up her spot on Tanner’s lap to puppy number three.