by Deb Kastner
What they’d suffered together would have put enormous pressure on any young couple. It was the type of make-or-break experience where a marriage either emerged from the trial stronger than ever or suffered from complete brokenness that would eventually rip a husband and wife apart.
Evidently, she and Tanner had somehow fallen into the latter category.
And that was what confused her most of all.
During the past few months, she and Tanner had built a stable relationship based on friendship and respect. She didn’t know how he felt, but there was no question she was experiencing romantic feelings for him, as well.
She admired his work ethic, and more than that, his work/life balance. He somehow managed to complete his ranch work and still be there for most meals—he even cooked some of them, which was something Rebecca didn’t remember from before, although, granted, there were still big holes where her memory should be.
But Tanner’s integrity, the way he took care of Mackenzie and openly showed his love for her, the way he and Rebecca laughed together and sometimes talked long into the night—this wasn’t the kind of man any woman in her right mind would choose to leave.
Her head ached as she pressed into her memory.
So why had she left?
Instead of taking a walk, she quietly closed the door to her bedroom and slipped into the attached bathroom to splash some cold water on her face. Her eyes were red and bloodshot from all the crying she’d done, and she suspected she wasn’t finished. Her heart was in so much pain it physically hurt to move.
She let the water run to ice and then cupped her hands and brought it to her face, splashing the cold liquid over her hot, stinging eyes.
Dear Lord, help me to have clarity. Where am I supposed to go from here?
She didn’t have answers. She wasn’t even sure what the questions were anymore.
She’d firmly believed the Lord had led her back into Tanner’s life. God had given them a special blessing with their baby growing in her womb—a child Rebecca deeply felt deserved to be raised by both a mother and a father. Not only that, but Tanner was determined to take full custody of Mackenzie. A husband-and-wife team would look much better on paper and facing a judge—far, far better than a single cowboy, for sure, even if he was her only living blood relative apart from Lydia.
She couldn’t turn away from those obligations.
She didn’t want to.
But the question was, would Tanner want her, now that her memories were returning? Or would he slip back into his old ways, hiding out on the ranch and choosing not to work through the difficulties in their relationship?
Would they ever be husband and wife again?
Chapter Thirteen
Tanner picked up a bale of hay in each hand and hauled them from the barn to the alpaca pen, setting them down only long enough to open the gate.
Sprinkles appeared at his ankle, barking and turning in circles, clearly wanting to join in the fun.
Presumably, Mackenzie was thinking of baking cookies with sprinkles when she’d come up with that name, but the puppy had put her own mark on it. House-training was seriously high on the family’s to-do list.
He stood back and gestured at the puppy. “Do you want to come in and practice your herding skills?”
Sprinkles barked and pounced forward a few steps, but as soon as the nearest alpaca moved, the puppy bounded back to safety on the outside of the fence.
Tanner sighed. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You’re only brave when there’s a fence between you and the herd. You’ll learn, though, and despite your unfortunate name, I think you’ll eventually be a really big help to me.”
Sprinkles jumped onto Tanner’s leg, her tongue lolling to one side, begging for affection. He couldn’t help but laugh and scratch the dog between the ears.
“Yeah, yeah, I remember. You picked me.”
He pulled the hay bales inside the fence line and broke up some of it with his gloved hands, spreading it along the ground while the alpacas honked indignantly at him to leave their sanctuary.
“I’m bringing you food,” he protested, ruffling Brownie’s mop hairdo when she got right up in his face. “I would think you’d be more appreciative.”
Brownie responded by head-bumping his arm.
“All right, already. You guys need to work on being more grateful toward the hand that feeds you. This is hard work, you know. You think I do this for my health?”
His only answer was increased honking, although a few of the herd had lost interest in him with the advent of breakfast.
The only human being the alpacas really responded to was Rebecca. She’d spent a great deal of time out in the field with them since she’d come back to Serendipity. They’d gotten to know her, and she was now a walking, talking alpaca encyclopedia. If anything, she loved her herd more now than when she’d originally gotten the cockeyed notion to purchase them in the first place.
At first, Tanner thought it was because she felt obligated toward them because he’d told her the herd was there because of her. But once she’d started learning about them and then attending a couple of activities, she’d become hooked. Or rehooked, as the case may be.
The truth was, she appeared to love everything about ranch living. Far more than during their first few years of marriage.
What she didn’t appear so sure about was what she intended to do regarding her relationship with him.
It had been a week since he’d come clean about their stillborn daughter. There hadn’t been the major reconciliation he’d hoped for, a coming together in sharing mutual grief so they could then move forward as a couple. On the other hand, she hadn’t left him again, nor did she give him any reason to expect she might.
He was still afraid honesty might put an end to their relationship, but at least he wasn’t carrying around the burden of secrecy and guilt anymore. Everything was out in the open. Now it was up to Rebecca what she wanted to do with what she now knew.
She wasn’t avoiding him, exactly. They were simply tiptoeing around the serious issues and keeping the tone of their conversations entirely casual. Her short-term memory had returned in full and she appeared to enjoy her days playing with Mackenzie and planning her tutoring business.
But even though they didn’t talk about it, the ravine was there, staring them both in the face.
They were a husband and wife who weren’t a husband and wife.
He couldn’t really blame her for the way she was acting toward him. She already had a lot on her mind, what with the baby due in a week. She assured him at least six times a day that their son was still active and kicking up a storm. He appreciated the effort she went to in order to encourage him, but now he felt like he must have appeared really overbearing with his daily questions for her to respond in such a way.
Or maybe, now that she had the whole picture, she was just as frightened as he was.
And he was frightened, in more ways than one. With nothing resolved and a baby coming, Tanner could think of little else but the questionable status of his relationship with Rebecca. Would they become the family he longed for, or would he end up being part-time father to his son?
When he returned to the barn to muck out the stalls and feed the horses, he found Rebecca in Calypso’s stall, brushing her mare and carrying on a one-sided conversation. He stopped dead in his tracks, not sure exactly why he didn’t approach her, but not wanting to make his presence known just yet.
Maybe it was simply that he loved the deep, rich alto tone of Rebecca’s voice when she spoke to the animals.
Or maybe it was because as soon as he stepped into the barn, he heard his own name being spoken.
“I’ve never been more confused in my life,” she admitted to Calypso. “You’re lucky you’re a horse and don’t have to deal with stallions all the time. That gets confusing fast, doesn�
��t it? I’ll tell you the truth, Calypso. I don’t have the slightest idea what to do in my relationship with Tanner.”
That was for sure. Tanner felt exactly the same way. Walking on eggshells, afraid to say the wrong words.
“At least the baby is cooperating. I started panicking after Tanner told me about what happened with our daughter. But our son’s movements haven’t slowed down at all, even though I read in a book that they might slow down right before I go into labor. And I had an extra ultrasound, just to reassure myself everything was good. It is, thank the Lord.”
Tanner hadn’t realized she’d had another ultrasound. He wondered why she didn’t think to tell him about it. His gut clenched. Maybe they weren’t on the same page, as he’d thought they were. Because even if everything in their lives was up in the air, there were certain things they ought to be sharing with each other—most especially like doctor’s visits concerning their son.
He was considering how to announce his presence when Rebecca continued.
“But then again, things are getting more complicated than ever. I’m so afraid to say anything to Tanner at all. I don’t know, Calypso. Do you think I should tell him?”
“Tell me what?”
Rebecca squeaked and the bristle brush she was holding went flying.
She turned on him with a frown on her face, propping her fists on her hips. “How many times do I have to ask you not to do that?” she demanded.
He shrugged and offered a reticent half smile. “Sorry.”
“You should be. I’m already only going to live to be forty because of all the times you’ve scared ten years off my life. If you keep doing that, I’m going to end up in negative numbers pretty soon. Although losing a few years wouldn’t be too bad, I suppose. Oh, to be young, pretty and innocent again.”
“I—I wouldn’t want you to change a thing,” he admitted. “Love grows stronger through trials. I think you’re more beautiful than ever.”
She flushed. “Well, thank you for that. But I’m still going to look into investing in a bell.”
He nodded. “I think if we’ve learned anything from what we’ve been through, it’s that young and innocent will only take you so far.”
“Agreed.”
“So what were you talking about when I came in?”
“That was a private conversation between me and my horse, thank you very much.”
He could tell by the tone of her voice that she was teasing, so he gathered his courage to address the elephant in the room. Elephants didn’t belong in a stable with horses.
“I heard my name. You were saying you didn’t know whether or not you should tell me something. I hope by now you know you can trust me. There’re things I pray you’ll never feel it’s necessary to say, but there’s nothing you can’t say to me. Do you know what I mean?”
She nodded, her brow furrowing. “Yes. I know. I feel the same way. You should always feel free to speak to me about anything.”
He leaned his forearms against Calypso’s stall door and waited for her to start talking.
She didn’t immediately speak. Instead, she reached down and picked up the bristle brush, sliding it evenly across Calypso’s flank.
“I went to see Dr. Delia this morning.”
Should he admit he’d heard that part or stay silent about it? In the end, he compromised.
“I see,” he said, but it came out husky and he cleared his throat.
“I was going to ask you to come along with me but I couldn’t find you. I think you were out checking on the cattle. I tried calling your cell phone but it rang from the couch cushion and I realized you must have forgotten to take it with you. I would have waited, but Dr. Delia only had that one early appointment today and I didn’t want to put it off any longer.”
Tanner let out a long, silent breath and his heart filled with warmth. She hadn’t purposely left him out after all. There was a more logical explanation. He had been with the cattle and had forgotten his cell phone.
“So what did you find out?”
“Our little guy is just exactly right on schedule. He looked great. And Delia checked me and said it wouldn’t be long now. I’m excited, but terrified.”
Every male instinct in him wanted to hold her in his arms, to let her know she wasn’t alone in this, wouldn’t be alone ever. He couldn’t have the baby for her, but he’d be right by her side holding her hand.
He clicked open the stall door and slipped in, holding his arms out to her.
For a moment, she didn’t move. Then she made a delicate sound from the back of her throat and buried her face in his chest, clutching the front of his shirt in both fists.
He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly.
“I know,” he admitted. “I am, too. But we made a birthing plan and took those classes, so I think we’re as ready as we’ll ever be. And I’m excited to meet our son.”
She leaned back and met his gaze. “Me, too. But—”
He waited for her to finish her sentence but she didn’t.
“But what?” he finally asked.
“There’s still so much in our relationship that needs to be worked out.”
“I know, but it doesn’t have to be done overnight, does it? Sure, we’re a little behind, what with the amnesia and all, but we’ll always be working on our relationship. I don’t think that ever really stops,” he said thoughtfully. “Successful couples are always working on their relationships, talking out their problems, growing closer to each other and supporting one another. Taking care of children together will also serve to bring us closer together if we let it.”
“That’s true. And that’s the way I’d like us to be.”
His heart soared to hear those words and it was all he could do not to punch a fist of victory in the air. The fear he’d been carrying with him for so long dissipated at last. She wasn’t going to abandon him again. She wanted to work on their relationship. Praise God!
“But—”
Oh, no. There was a but.
He stiffened, not wanting to hear the rest of the statement.
She stepped back, her eyes glistening. “But I don’t think we’re yet at the point where we can start today and move forward, do you? We’ve still got a lot of baggage to deal with from our past, and it’s pretty major.”
He brushed that stubborn lock of hair out of her eyes and then framed her face with his palms. “Isn’t that what we’ve been doing?”
She blinked away a tear. “Yes. Except—” she swept in an audible breath “—except I haven’t told you everything.”
A million different scenarios, none of them good, immediately crossed his mind.
What hadn’t she told him?
“What do you mean?” he choked out.
“My memories,” she whispered hoarsely. “After we talked about Faith, my long-term memories came flooding back. I told you I’d been experiencing...emotions that I didn’t know how to classify. I understand now I was suffering from major depression. It really frightened me when I woke up the other day and couldn’t move because my body was so weighted down. The darkness is terrifying. I was living inside that, Tanner. Every day. I reached out to you but you weren’t there.”
“I know. I handled that all wrong. At first I didn’t understand it. I honestly didn’t think depression was a real thing. But when you continued to remain secluded and lost too much weight, I really started to worry.”
“Then why—?”
“Why didn’t I get you help?” he interrupted. “Because I’m an idiot with too much pride to admit it when he’s done something wrong.”
She shook her head, but not enough to release his palms. “That’s not the man I see when I look at you.”
“I hope not. If these trials have done anything, they’ve made me realize experiencing emotions—and showing them—
doesn’t make me less of a man. I had a lot to confess to God, but with His help, I think I’m a better man for it all.”
“No question. You were there for Mackenzie when she needed you. You were there for me—which frankly, now that I have all my memories back, kind of surprises me. I wasn’t very nice to you.”
“You were hurting.”
“Still. I pushed you away.”
“And I went. I lost myself in ranch work instead of taking care of you as I should have.”
“So,” she said, locking her gaze with his. “Now I know everything—feel everything. And I know that you know. The question is, can our relationship truly survive all we’ve been through? Or do we go our separate ways?”
They stared at each other for a long time without speaking. Tanner’s breath lodged painfully in his throat. He’d known all along it was going to come down to this moment eventually, but now that it was here, he wasn’t ready. He wanted to run away with his fingers covering his ears so he couldn’t hear her answer to the question he had yet to ask.
He took a deep breath and spit out the words that would change his life forever.
“What do you want?”
* * *
Rebecca narrowed her gaze on him. Now that her long-term memories had returned, she knew just how bad things had been between them before she’d left. She understood why she’d felt the only way to heal her heart had been to leave, how she’d had to get away in order to straighten out her thoughts and emotions.
She knew why Dawn, her best friend since childhood and the woman who had opened her house to Rebecca, hadn’t gone with her that day in Serendipity. Because Dawn didn’t want her to return. She had never liked Tanner. Since the day Tanner first asked Rebecca out, Dawn had been jealous of him, of the time he took away from their friendship. And when Tanner and Rebecca had become engaged, he had become her new best friend, nudging Dawn into second place in Rebecca’s life.