by Brent, Tara
“Yeah, I guess, but it’s still pretty amazing,” I said, unable to stop my smile.
The rest of the meal went a lot better than I expected. I hadn’t thought I’d have as much fun as I did and I’d forgotten how much I loved spending time with everyone. I felt like I’d missed them a lot these past three years, but what other choice had I had? I was just happy that things seemed to be going smoothly. Well, as smoothly as they could.
The main course that was served was a creamy risotto and normally I didn’t like things like that, but it was bliss. I was so happy to actually eat something that wasn’t Benny’s leftovers or some kind of children’s meal like chicken nuggets and fries.
With every moment that passed, I drank more wine and found myself joining my parents and becoming more than a little tipsy. It was nice, there was a warmth to my cheeks and I felt pleasantly buzzed. I couldn’t remember the last time that I had a drink or just sat and relaxed like this. Probably not for a long time. It was kind of sad actually but it was the life that I chose and to be a mother to Benny. Being a single mom was hard, especially when I had lied about Benny’s real father. It was like walking on eggshells within my own life. I tried not to let anyone too close in the fear that they would find out.
“So, what did you think?” Rick asked me after we had finished eating. I was pleasantly full and I was sure that I couldn’t eat another bite of the delicious, rich foods which had been served.
“It was wonderful, thank you.” If I would have stayed at home, I would have probably just ate some toast or some boxed mac and cheese.
Everyone started to disperse back to the bar, disappearing for cigarette breaks and clearing out the dining room and though I didn’t smoke, I felt like I needed some air. I eventually managed to sneak away from Rick and I latched onto Josh who was making his way outside for a vape.
“Oh, hey!” he said in surprise as I suddenly appeared beside him.
“I was surprised to see you here,” he admitted, “I thought you were more likely to punch Rick in the face than to agree to come along tonight.”
“Well, I am going to be working for mom and dad, it’s not like I can ignore him forever.” Even if I had planned to.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. So, have you told him about Benny yet?” he asked.
For a moment I felt like I was having a heart attack as my heart attempted to leap out of my chest at Josh’s words. “Benny?” I asked, dumbfounded.
“Yeah, he doesn’t know you have a kid, right?” he asked, confused as he took a long drag from his vape.
“Oh, of course,” I realized, shuffling a little closer to Josh. It was cold outside and the air cleared my head a bit. For a moment I had thought he had known that Rick was Benny’s dad, but he hadn’t meant it that way. I was just letting the drink go to my head.
“So, you’ve told him?” he asked.
“Wait, what? No, no. I haven’t told him yet, it’s none of his business,” I tried to justify, except that was a big fat lie.
“Well, he’s gonna find out, you can’t keep him a secret forever. Why are you so worried about telling him?” Josh asked, it was a conversation that we’d had many times before.
“You know why. I don’t want him to think I’m stupid having a one-night stand and managing to get pregnant.” The lies were just pouring from my mouth and it was awful how easy it was.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We all love Benny. Plus, Rick won’t care. He’s an idiot. Do you think he’s never had a one-night stand before? Man, I bet he’s knocked up some hussy come to think of it.”
I felt like I wanted a hole to appear underneath me and to swallow me up. It was me. I was the hussy.
“Hmm, well, I’ll tell him. Can’t keep it to myself forever.” I hated how much that was true.
“Well, just tell him then, walk up to him and be like ‘by the way, I have a kid and he’s amazing’. That’s it. Done.”
How did Josh make it sound so easy?
I pressed my lip between my teeth, no doubt messing up my lipstick.
“I guess,” I said, though to be honest, talking to Josh about it had made me feel a lot lighter. It felt like less of a burden. Or, you know, it could have been the four glasses of wine. I was surprised I was still standing.
“Sam, just do it. He probably won’t even care. Someone is going to tell him. You know that if you don’t he will find out anyway. It’s a miracle that no-one has mentioned it in front of him - lucky that all he does is work, otherwise he would have found out a long time ago.”
“Okay, okay,” I said in an attempt to convince myself that I could do this, “I’ll just find him and mention it. Casual. Cool.” Damn, I was going to look like such an idiot. Why had I left it so long to tell him again?
The air was getting a little cold, and I shivered, realizing that it had only been the alcohol keeping me warm. My arms and legs were covered in goosebumps and I shivered, my teeth clattering together.
Right, I was going to go inside. Warm-up. Find more alcohol and finally, I was going to tell Rick. Well... as much as I could anyway.
Chapter Sixteen
Rick
I’d made a good decision. I had gotten so many thanks and I saw so many smiling faces that I knew that my extra effort for the staff had all worked out well. It was the perfect end to a year of hard work.
I made the rounds, making sure that I showed my face to everyone before I managed to tear myself away in an attempt to find Samantha again. I was unsuccessful as Lexi grabbed my arm and dragged me into the chaos of the dance floor. I had never been one for dancing, but the champagne had boosted my confidence so I let myself laugh a little as I silly danced.
“I never knew that you were such a good dancer,” Lexi joked, leaning in closer to me and talking louder in an attempt to be heard.
“I don’t like to brag,” I replied seriously and she dissolved into giggles.
It was then that I finally caught sight of Samantha. I didn’t want her to think that I’d just abandoned her in favor of seeing all these people because as harsh as it sounded, I could see them any time. This was my one chance. Plus, I didn’t want her to think that there was anything between me and Lexi.
“Please, excuse me a second,” I said, giving her a smile, “you have a fantastic time tonight, okay, sweetheart?” I said, but she was already being dragged away by someone else.
Taking my chance, I managed to dodge out and make my way off the dance floor.
Samantha had settled at the bar and was drinking a shot of something. I laughed as I approached her and her face flamed at being caught red-handed.
“Hey, well it is free,” I said, and I sat down next to her on one of the tall barstools before ordering a shot for myself and mimicking her.
She laughed. “Well, I thought I’d take advantage. A bit of liquid courage,” she said. “I felt like I might need it.”
That brought a smile to my face and I looked around us. “Liquid courage?” I asked, wondering what she would possibly need courage for.
She looked up at me nervously, her cheeks adorably flushed. I would say it was probably the amount of alcohol that I had consumed that made me feel like I could just lean down and kiss her, but I knew that was a lie. I loved Samantha. I wanted this and I needed to know if there was any chance that she wanted it too. I couldn’t just go kissing her without permission because I felt like it.
“So–”
“Hey, so–”
The two of us spoke at the same time and then we both stumbled on our own words. Pausing embarrassed and then trying to encourage the other to speak.
“No, it’s fine, please,” she said with a grin.
I grinned before saying, “Come on, let’s have that chat.” There was no point in avoiding it any longer. My apology was three years overdue.
The two of us looked around us in an attempt to find somewhere quiet, but there were people dancing and excited all around us, the noise level rising by the second. I led
her out of the room and to a quiet spot that was in the hotel foyer. But as suspected, there was no privacy as people seemed to appear from nowhere. People were walking in groups and back and forth between the dance floor and outside. The smokers were hanging outside and in the beer garden, it seemed as if there was nowhere we could hide. I thought about inviting her back to my room but I knew that it was too soon. She’d probably take it the wrong way and I’d end up with a slapped face.
Eventually, we found a quiet hallway and the two of us sat there for a while on the floor and Samantha kicked her shoes off, rubbing her feet for a moment.
“I never could get used to shoes like this,” she said.
I smiled at her. I liked that about her. “Should have worn your Converse,” I said with a grin, teasing her.
She flushed, “Oh, you noticed that, huh?” she asked, now playing with the hem of her pretty black dress.
“It was kind of hard not to, you wanted them so badly back then. I thought you might hate me so much that you’d take pleasure in setting them on fire or something.” I honestly wouldn’t put it past her.
“Well, I did think about it, to be honest.” She laughed. “But then, why ruin a perfectly good pair of shoes?”
“That’s some sound logic there,” I agreed. “You can’t blame the shoes for my behavior.”
The mood between us dipped again and we looked at each other a little sadly. Sobered at the prospect of the difficult conversation ahead of us.
I shuffled closer to her as I spoke quietly, unwilling to let my voice carry. I opened my mouth to start to apologize but some of the rowdy construction lads passed us by and I snapped my mouth shut. Why was this so hard?
Just apologize, I told myself firmly. Except, it didn’t seem that easy. I wish that I could just come out and say it but I was ashamed at how I had treated her all those years ago. I wasn’t sure if there was going to be enough words in the dictionary to fix this.
It was Samantha that broke the silence in the end. “You know, you look like the same person you were years ago, but you seem different. I came here tonight and I just didn’t expect it to be like this. I thought it would be different, that somehow you’d be the same as you were.”
She looked up at me softly and for a moment she looked vulnerable, her big eyes wide and begging me to tell her that I had changed.
“I am,” I promised, realizing it was a good place as any to start. “I’ve grown up a lot.”
“Look, Rick, I—"
“Samantha, I—”
Our words clashed again and we both went silent as we cut each other off. Sam broke eye contact with me and went back to playing with her dress.
“I’m sorry for what happened when we were young. It was my fault,” I admitted. “I was heartless, I should have handled it better.”
My words hung in the air for a few moments, stifling the atmosphere between us.
“Well, it wasn’t completely. It does take two people,” she replied softly, but she stared at a fixed point on the floor.
“I know,” I agreed, “but it never should have been that way. I was just as much to blame as you were, and I acted like an asshole because I was shocked. I never stopped to wonder how scared you must have been.”
She nodded slowly, still avoiding looking at me and I felt like it was killing me.
God, please don’t cry. I couldn’t bear it if you did, though I know I’d only have myself to blame.
How many tears must she have cried because of me? I wasn’t sure I could take the guilt of it, but I had to take responsibility for my actions.
“I turned everything around in my head so many times, and I tried to call you, to email you but... Well, I don’t blame you. I put you through so much.”
Samantha remained quiet but I knew that she was listening to my words.
“It’s the biggest regret of my life.” I sighed, truly meaning it. “If I could go back and change it then I would. I was young. Stupid. I didn’t understand the extent of what I put you through until after it was all over and you’d gone. You know what they say: you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.”
She let out a small hum of humor. “Yeah, that’s what they say,” she replied with a mumble before letting her head fall softly onto the side of my shoulder.
The gesture made me feel warm and for a moment I didn’t dare move. I didn’t want to do anything that could upset the delicate situation even more. So I sat there with her, letting the words sink in and giving her time to process everything. After all, it was a difficult situation to think about.
I didn’t want to rush her. I had waited this long, I could wait just a while longer.
Chapter Seventeen
Samantha
I turned his words around in my head and tried to let them sink in. It was a lot to hear all at once. I felt like I was trying to process so much. I hadn’t expected this. I hadn’t expected him to be so apologetic and understanding.
Maybe he really has changed? I thought. But it all felt like it was too good to be true.
My life hadn’t taken the path that I had expected. Things like this just didn’t happen to me. I wasn’t the heroine in this story and I didn’t get the guy. I didn’t know what I was doing most days and I just stumbled through life and played it all by ear. I had no plan.
Rich, handsome older men just didn’t fall from the sky and into my lap. But then... Rick was more than that. Yeah, he was obviously well off and very attractive, but he was also the guy that I had fancied all through my teens and I had seen him at his worst. It wasn’t like I thought he was some kind of knight in shining armor.
“Would you really change it if you could?” I asked him, because more than anything, I had to put Benny first.
It didn’t matter if Rick was sorry and wanted to fix things if he wouldn’t accept Benny. Telling him still terrified me. What if he rejected him? What if he thought I was joking? There were so many things that were running through my head, and so many things that I just couldn’t say. That I couldn’t risk telling him. I just didn't know how to feel. My emotions were all over the place.
“Yes, I would,” he said softly, and I hated that I believed him. I hated that he sounded so genuine. “I’d go back and change it if I could, but I can’t Samantha. I’m so, so sorry.”
What more could I expect from him? He was right. It wasn’t as if he could turn back the clock. What I wanted was impossible. But it was so hard to forgive and forget, especially since I loved Benny more than anything. Thinking of him not being here, of him not existing... even the idea upset me but I guessed that was Rick’s reality and what he lived with day to day.
“Like, I know you’re sorry but... I don’t know, everything feels so difficult and I don’t know what the right thing to do is,” I admitted.
No matter what I said, what I did, I felt like I would be making the wrong choice. I wished I could look into the future and just see what the right thing to do was. I was afraid of making the wrong choice.
“Neither do I,” Rick admitted. “I don’t know how to prove to you. I think... it might just take time, Sam.”
It should have made me feel worse, but it actually made me feel a lot better because maybe he was just as clueless as I was? He gave a small shrug and he leaned into me and took my hand gently into his.
The two of us sat on the floor for a long while, watching people come and go and having a good time, dancing and giggling and generally having a good time. But we just stayed there, silent and comfortable in each other’s company and things feeling a lot less charged and heavy between the two of us.
“Do you ever think about what could have happened?” I asked him, curious. It was something that went through my mind from time to time. My life would be so different.
“If you had never...?” he couldn’t finish his sentence, but he knew exactly what I was talking about. “Of course I do, all the time.”
The honesty in his voice shocked me. It sounded raw like it rea
lly did hurt him to think about it. It probably did. For the first time, I realized that maybe he was hurting from this too. Except, he had none of the answers. I’d kept him in the dark about everything.
I was wrong. I should never have done it, but I couldn’t be mad at myself. Anyone in my situation might have done the same thing. Rick was not a victim in this which is why it was so hard to wrap my head around the right thing to do.
Eventually, I sighed and pulled away lightly. I stood, feeling a little stiff from where we had sat on the floor for so long. I wasn’t sure what time it was, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to have another drink and to have a dance with Rick. The last time I had danced with him had been my senior prom.
“Still have two left feet?” I asked him, attempting to repair the somber mood between the two of us.
“You bet!” he said with a laugh, before kicking off his shoes. “Best take these off to protect your toes,” he said with a grin as he looked down at my still-bare feet.
I smiled and took his arm again, letting him lead me back to the bar and then off to the dance floor.
***
I danced until I couldn’t dance anymore. I was warm with alcohol and hanging off Rick as the two of us danced to any and every song - especially the fun ones. Those were my favorite. I don’t think I would ever forget the sight of Josh and Rick dancing the funky chicken together (mainly because I had caught it on camera and I was going to use it for blackmail material for sure).
I attached it to my messenger app on my phone and sent it to Andrew with the message, I hope your evening is as fun as mine. Thanks for having Benny. Xox
It took me longer than I would care to admit to actually write the message out, I had to rewrite several words as my keyboard tried to figure out what my brain was attempting to say. I had probably drunk a lot more than I realized, but I didn’t care. It had been so long since I had let myself have a good time like this. I was always too worried to leave Benny, but I trusted Andrew and I knew he would take excellent care of him.