“Benji?”
Shifting his head back he gazes up, a little smile forming on his features. Inching forward a tad, I pull him up to me and lay him on my chest.
“Daddy, come pay cars wiv me?” I nod as he scrambles from my chest.
“I’ll be there in a minute.” I shout to him as I look across the room and see Evie standing in the doorway.
“He’s been asking for you the whole time we were at the park.”
I tap the side of the mattress and wait… She lets out a tired sigh, but comes over anyway. She sits at the bottom of the bed towards the edge like she’s scared to come too close to me. I pull myself up against the headboard and fix my apologetic gaze on hers. Not wanting to look me in the eye, she looks down - in the selfishness of thinking about myself, I never stopped once to think how this was affecting her too.
“Evie? Come here.”
She scoots along the edge until she’s next to me.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been so selfish.”
“It’s okay. I know it’s been hard for you to accept everything, but I don’t know what I’d have done without you, Simon. I need you with me, I can’t do this alone. Promise me you’ll never let that thought cross your mind again.”
Sitting up further I lean forward and take her face in my hands; I need to get my point across.
“I promise you and I promise the kids I’ll never, ever, think about that again.”
Evie’s hands grip my forearms keeping me close.
“I think you’re depressed? You need help Simon.”
Nodding I put my nose to hers tenderly…
“I know, will you help me Evie, please? Come to the doctors with me.”
“You don’t have to ask; I just want you back.”
Tears slowly slip from her eyes, her hitched gasps as it all gets too much and finally, I let it all out. “We can sort everything else out later.” Supporting my head in her arms she embraces me, her hand stroking the back of my hair and neck
“I can’t explain how I feel. It’s like everything was slipping away from me, you, the kids, my whole life. I didn’t think you needed me anymore. I thought you’d be better off without me. You could have started again…”
“My life isn’t mine without you. I didn’t think I’d ever need to remind you of that.”
“Why us? Why did this happen to us?”
“It’s called a run of bad luck Simon, but we’ll get better. We’ll get there in the end It’s just going to take a while, that’s all. As long as we have each other and we talk about it…”
“I know. I promise I won’t bottle it up again.”
She places her cheek to mine. Feeling the softness of her eyelashes as they brush against my skin as her eyes close brings me comfort. I feel her tears as they mingle with mine as we cry together. We cry for each other, but most of all, we cry because it’s what we needed.
From all this we can only get stronger.
“I love you Simon.”
Wiping her face of her tears I kiss her swollen lips.
“I love you too.”
I tell her when the appointment is for the doctors and for the first time in months, I see her smile. The smile that helped me to fall in love with her in the first place
I will get myself back on the right track. I know it’ll take time, but with Evie by my side it’ll be worth the fight.
Epilogue
Evie
Three Months Later
We walk from the doctor’s surgery hand in hand after having Simon’s review. The doctor wanted to see how he was doing and if the tablets have helped at all. The doctor made a point of saying he seemed in better spirits since seeing him the first time. He was pleased with the outcome, but he wants to try weaning him off the medication now. I’m not sure I agree just yet, but I suppose he knows best.
Since Simon finally opened up, we’ve been stronger and vowed to not keep things from each other again. We sought professional advice from a debt consultant and he advised us that the best course of action would be bankruptcy. That way we could start from scratch - no more debt. No noose hanging around our necks ready for that fatal strike. We had to find two hundred and fifty pounds, but my parents lent us the money. We’re paying them back bit by bit, at Simon’s request of course.
Mum and dad helped us to find a house, after all we’ve been with them for over five months now. We definitely needed our own space, more than anything we needed to be a family again. They acted as payment guarantors in private rented accommodation. Slowly, but surely, we’re getting back to normal.
The main thing, Simon is back at work.
Around three weeks later, he had a letter drop through the door for an interview in doing what he does best - sales. They saw his potential and just how desperate he was to get back to work. Since then, he’s been much happier - we’ve been happier. He’s providing for his family and I’m still working. Simon doesn’t take it for granted anymore that he should only be the one to provide for our family. I think this opened both our eyes… You never think these things can happen to you, but it can. Depression can overtake every aspect of your life. The doctor said he may never come off the tablets completely, but more importantly he wants to cut them down. All we can do is try to live within our means and do what’s most important in this situation - communicate. I never thought I’d ever see Simon in a dark place like that, but I was so wrong. What triggered Simon’s depression was a big life change, but still it could be something so small you wouldn’t even notice it.
Watching him closely with the kids and seeing him laugh warms my heart, but there was a time I never thought I’d see him like this at all, let alone again. I’m just glad we’re winning the battle so far in this war. Some people aren’t as lucky as us and even though we had it hard, some people don’t get there. I cherish every day I have with my husband and family, because I know how different it could have turned out.
Simon
Swinging my son around, I hold him against my chest. I feel like I don’t want to let him go, but I don’t have the chance to hold on tighter because he wriggles in my arms to be put down and runs to the slide. Taking one step at a time he climbs to the top and sits down.
“You ready daddy?”
“Yeah, be careful.”
We count to three together and he pushes himself down so I can catch him at the bottom. Next, he runs to the swings, where Evie is with Charlotte in the baby swings. I jog over to them and wrap my arms around Evie’s waist. I don’t think this wife of mine realises that if it hadn’t been for her, I wouldn’t be here now. I’m not too proud to admit that anymore. It was hard, don’t get me wrong. I’ve always been a proud man, but sometimes you just gotta let it go and accept help.
After taking just a few weeks of anti-depressants I started to feel more like me again. I know not everyone likes medication, but for me it was a massive help. The doctor gave us numbers for support groups, but I felt like I didn’t need that. I kept them just in case I ever did. I’ve learnt not to turn away help however little it is. Now at least I don’t feel like I’m at the bottom of the tunnel trying my hardest to get out. I’m pulling on that tug rope to help me get to the top. I never want to feel like that again. I know I’m not cured and I don’t suppose I ever will be, but positivity is a big help. Even if I have to chant it to myself every single day for the rest of my life, I’ll do it.
Onwards and upwards, so they say… Time to take the fork in the road to a fresh start. I won’t waste another second of my life. There’s better things for me, for us, for you. It’s just a case of finding them.
The End
My Biggest Battle Yet
By
Jennah Thornhill
Blurb
We all face obstacles in life, battles we all have to fight just to get through each day in our lives.
But what happens when the demons win and you think you only have one way out?
What happens when all you see is black with no colour in sight? When what you thought you didn't need becomes the light you so desperately need to save you, yet it becomes your biggest battle yet.
Prologue
Blake
I’ve just received a call from a guy we have on the inside spying on the Afghan’s, with some vital intel about the mission we have still yet to complete. It’s been an ongoing mission in Afghanistan for the last two months, and with me over seeing it. I have to see it through until the end. This is the breakthrough we’ve all been waiting for.
The team are all packed up and ready to leave the compound, under my strict instructions to be ready in five minutes. Every second counts in this job. We don’t get any second chances.
We make the small journey to where the rundown building is located. The truck pulls to a stop around the corner of the building, we don’t take any chances. It could be a trap, enemy eyes all over the place. The last thing we need is to be ambushed. I only hand-picked a few of my best guys for this job, if done correctly that’s all the team I need. We’re good at what we do.
I hear the guys getting ready to move in, they all know their roles and what’s needed to be done. They don’t need telling twice.
Looking around my team I give a sturdy nod of my head, letting them know I’m good and ready to go.
“Coms check.” I speak into my mic that’s clipped to my black army jacket. Each of the guys reply “Capt.” Coms are working. In we go.
“Captain, we’re gonna take the back route. See if there’s anything around there.” I hear Smith say through the com, as I take lead on this mission.
“Roger, but be careful, this area isn’t safe at all.” I warn them as I turn around heading in the opposite direction from him. Them being himself and three of the best men I have on my team. We’ve done the last three tours together and I couldn’t wish for a better bunch of guys to have my six. They know the score with me, I’d die for my men, and vice versa. It’s all about respect, and my team has it in spades.
We know this whole situation isn’t safe. We’ve covered some pretty dodgy areas on this tour, but this part of the town we’re covering has had more action in the last few weeks than anywhere else. It needs to stop, hence why me and my team have been sent out. We’re the best at what we do. We get in, get the job done and get out with as little damage as possible. Some people say we’re like ghosts, as we’re never seen, and more importantly, never been caught.
Swinging my gun around from my back, I point it out in front of me. I tighten my grip on the handle, and place my finger over the trigger, ready to fire if I need to.
I shimmy along the wall of the derelict building with Johnson following me, giving him hand signals to keep each other covered at all times, when we make our entrance. Nodding his head in agreement, I enter the building that’s seen better days through a doorway that once used have an actual door attached to it. Keeping my wits about me I pay attention to any noises that shouldn’t be there. I get nothing, which isn’t sitting well with me. From the intel I received, this place should have guards or at least two or three guys monitoring it. Pushing the thought aside for now, I pay extra attention to what’s around us, not wanting my guys in danger.
Motioning with my hand for Johnson to go in front of me so I can cover him, we go from room to room ‘clear, clear’ until the last room where the rest of my team are assembled, looking perplexed.
I smell it before I see anything.
There in the middle of all dirt on the concrete floor, is a young mother with an infant wrapped tight in her arms: they’re both dead.
We failed the mission. We never fail, something doesn’t quite add up.
I want to be sick, but I have to hold it together. These guys look up to me, I’m their leader, I can’t be puking up in front of them. Placing a hand over my mouth, I force down the bile that’s threatening to evacuate my stomach. Although Hughes isn’t as lucky, turning from the sight in front of him he empties the contents his stomach right there and then.
“There’s no-one here, let’s go lads.” I tell them to get them out of there before they become even more fucked up than what this job has already done to them. Johnson, Smith, Hughes, and Preston go ahead of me out of a side exit, it’s then I hear a loud click and a whirring noise.
“Get back, get the fuck back now.” I yell to them, as I reach as far as my arm would physically go, to try and make a grab for Preston as he’s the closest to me, but it’s too late. He turns his body to face me in a way of shielding me.
“No, Preston, No.” I scream knowing what his intentions are. If anyone had the best chance of surviving, it was me. We all knew. The minute the hidden device that triggered the bomb went off. Johnson had stood on it, and the second he lifts his boot we know what would follow. As if it all happened in slow motion, when in actual fact it was only split seconds before we we’re all thrown back. A big cloud of smoke and fire forms around us, trying to see or make sense of anything is hard. My ears are ringing from the sound of the bomb going off, and my head is killing me from my fall back down to the ground. I’m the furthest one behind, so I was luckily just out of reach from the blast. Then I have a nagging pain slice through me when I start to get my bearings. I know my team aren’t so lucky. As I’m lying on the floor gasping for breath all I can see through the blanket of grey and amber ash, is bodies. Bodies of my men.
Preston’s eyes are open and staring at me. His face covered in blood. I manage a quick glance at the rest of his body, there’s not much left of him. I can’t see the state of the others, but from the look of Preston, I know there’s no way they’re alive.
Chapter One
Blake
I’ve been lying in this hospital bed in the accident and emergency department for hours. They should never have saved me. I wasn’t meant to be saved. I was meant to be with my brothers, my men in arms who died doing their job protecting their country. It should have been me that was blown up by the bomb the terrorists had set for us, not them. It was my order, my instructions that got them killed. I was the one who told them to move out. They all had wives, kids. They were part of a family, they belonged to someone who loved them.
No matter what I do, nothing can rid me of this pain, and no-one can understand the pain I’m really feeling. It’s all mental pain, not physical. The worst kind of pain. I’ve decided I’m incurable. No-one can help me out, after all it’s in my head and only I can see what goes on in there. Thank fuck, because what I see day in, day out isn’t pretty.
Joining the army at eighteen was my way of getting out of one shit hole, only I jumped straight into another, this one now ten times worse.
Nothing can prepare a man for war. It fucks you up then fucks you over. No amount of training they gave you could prepare you for once you’re out there. It’s a whole different ball game. A fucked-up world and all because one arsehole thought he could try and rule the world. The sight of women and young girls getting beaten and killed will stay will me forever, it’s not something I ever wish to see again. With getting an early discharge due to the injuries I sustained, I don’t have to, but the thing is, once you’ve seen it happen in front of you, it’s something that cannot be unseen. All the memories stay and haunt you forever. I’m now twenty-seven years old, I’ve served six tours in Afghanistan. I worked damn hard to move up in the ranks, to try and make a difference in the world. I worked my arse off just to prove to people that I’m the strongest soldier out there. The best of the best, both mentally and physically. That I was able to lead a team from the darkest moments of their life and bring them all back, safe and in one piece.
I’m just as angry now as I was when I signed up, if not more. They now say I have PTSD and it’s common for an ex-soldier when he comes home from a tour to suffer with it. It’s common as shit and all that, and with some therapy I’ll be fixed. I also know they’re talking bollocks.
Nothing and no-one can save me from th
e life I’ve led and still living every day, when the nightmares and memories come flooding through my mind.
I say it's my penance, nothing more than what I feel I deserve. It’s God's way of making sure that even though I’m alive, he’s gonna make me suffer for it. After all, they’re all dead because of me.
The sounds of screams, gunshots and bombs going off still ring clear in my head. I’ve tried telling myself I’m safe now. That I’m not going to be killed in battle. That I’m not on the battlefield anymore. Even though that’s all I see most mornings when I wake up, or last thing at night. Doesn’t matter if I’m awake or asleep the images are always there. Followed by the look in Preston’s eyes. One look that will forever haunt me.
I’m fighting my biggest battle yet, and I don’t think I’m going to make it out alive this time. I’m not even sure I want too. Ending my miserable life seems the only way out to stop the nightmares. All the hurt and pain I caused, to my team and their family. Who I still haven’t seen since I’ve been discharged. I haven’t found the courage to face them or relive the whole situation again by telling them. Seeing them upset, and the kids not understanding why their daddy isn’t coming home. No, not a chance. Now too much time had passed. Call me a coward, I’d agree with you.
I have no reason to live anymore.
That is until I see her.
Chapter Two
Gabi
Being a doctor in the accident and emergency department at Saint Mary’s hospital you see almost everything and anything, from car crashes to kids sticking things up their noses. Yet, nothing hurts more when you see someone who comes in and thinks they have nothing to live for.
Escaping The Shadows Anthology: Shenanigans'19 @ The West Midlands Book Signing. Page 11