I’m sat on the edge of the swimming pool for today’s session, when I see the man in question being wheeled in to the pool area. He’s only wearing swim shorts and nothing else and fuck me if my heart doesn’t leap out my chest. I notice all the defined muscles on his chest. Don’t get me wrong I can see where he hasn’t worked out now for a few weeks, but damn he is still fine. He glances my way and I offer a small smile. I can still he has this sadness about him. I want to reach out and hold him, tell him it will all be okay, but I can’t do that. He gets lowered in to the pool and notices that I am watching him. It’s like he doesn’t want to be seen this way, which is silly really.
“Helen you listening to me?”
I am brought back to the here and now by Jeff. I look his way and see him grinning at me. Busted, he caught me looking at the guy over there.
“Sorry what was you saying?”
“Mind elsewhere now?” he says looking across to mystery guy. I look over again and see his face all scrunched up tight, he looks to be in physical pain and it kills me to see.
“He looks so sad and angry all at the same time,” the words are out my mouth before I can even stop them. Jeff nods at me understanding what I am saying. I find myself watching him throughout my session. I really want to reach out to him, offer him some sort of friendship. He looks like he could do with it, but I am not sure if he would shoot me down again.
My session comes to an end and I am happy with the progress I am making. I am lifted into the wheelchair and I notice the guy watching my every move. I really must find out his name, I can’t keep referring to him as ‘The Guy.’
I’m handed a towel, wrap it around myself and get pushed to the changing rooms where a nurse is there to help me change. Don’t get me wrong I hate having to have people help me all the time, but it’s what is it. I know it won’t be forever, I will walk again and get out of here soon. I’ve just finished getting changed when ‘the guy’ is pushed into the room.
“Hey, how was today’s session?”
He looks at me and I can see the mask coming down over his face.
“Look I don’t need your fucking help or sympathy, so back the fuck off.”
I just scowl at him. Who does he think he is, talking to me like that? I’m not his problem, he’s his own problem.
“Jenson that’s no way to speak to her,” Jeff says coming to my defence.
“It’s okay Jeff, let him have his little mood swings.”
Jenson just scowls at me.
“Look mate I don’t know what your problem is, but you need to back the fuck up. Everyone here is not your enemy, all we want to do is help you. Jesus Christ, I am in a fucking wheelchair as well, do you see me acting all angry at everyone?”
I see the hurt flash through his eyes, I know what I just said has struck a chord, but he can’t keep acting this way. If he’s not careful, this anger and mood he is in will pull him under and there will be no way of coming out. I refuse to let myself be pulled under; I will fight this.
“Look you either have two ways of going about this. One letting yourself be pulled in to the depression you have going on, or two fighting it. I know which way I am going, and I am willing to help you fight as well, but you need to help yourself.”
I nod to Jeff to let him know I want to be taken out to the waiting porter and leave Jenson to think about the little advice I have just given him. No-one will help him, if he can’t help himself.
I arrive back at my bed and find Claire waiting there for me. I also see she has McDonalds for me, god I bloody love this girl, she knows what I like.
“Have I told you today how much I love you?”
She just smiles at me.
“Yeah once or twice. How was the walking session today?” I go into detail about how I was in the pool and that I was able to move my big toe slightly. I see the tears already forming in her eyes.
“Come on enough already with the crying,” I say laughing at her.
“I can’t help it; I am so proud of you. You will beat this girl,” I just nod at her smiling.
“There is this guy, Jenson his name is. I don’t know what happened to him, but man is he an angry dude. He bites everyone’s head off, but at the same time you can see the sadness in his eyes. It’s like he has given up. Like he doesn’t want to live anymore.” I tell her. Just thinking about him now and my heart is breaking for him. There’s something about him that is pulling me too him. Like we were meant to meet and help each other.
“Oh, Helen I can see that look in your eyes. You don’t need to be getting involved with anyone who doesn’t want to be helped.”
I know what she is saying is true, but I feel like I can help him, help him out this blackness he has around him.
“I see what you’re saying babe, but something about him is calling me. Something tells me we were meant to meet.”
She shakes her head, she knows when I get these crazy ideas in my head, I go for it. I just hope I can break down the defences he has built up around him.
Chapter Five
Jenson
All I can think about is what Helen has just said to me. I know what she said is true, but for me I can’t see a way out of this darkness. It’s getting worse, I feel angry all the time. It’s like no matter what people say, all I can see is everyone happy and enjoying their life, and my is just going further in to the blackhole. I am hating everything about my myself at this moment and don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be dependent on anyone. I know it’s just my male pride standing in my way, but it’s like I can’t seem to pull myself out how I am feeling.
We head back to the ward and again I am helped back into bed. They have said I may be able to go home soon, what home? How can I live in a house stuck in this bastard thing? My mum has already said that I am coming to live with her, but I know I will hate that even more than being stuck in here. Mum fussing over me all the time, no thanks. I am sat here in bed thinking off nothing in particular, when I notice Helen being wheeled in my direction. How the hell did she know where I was?
“Hey”
“What?” I snap back.
“Now you can keep snapping at me all you want, but it isn’t going to make me leave.”
This woman is a stubborn cow. I glare at her, and all she does is smile back at me.
“Right let’s start, again shall we? I am Helen and I fell off a ladder and broke my back. Now they say it’s not a massive break and hopefully I will walk again. It’s just matter off building up my legs and getting the feeling back. What happened to you? If you say you don’t want to talk about it, I will just keep asking until you do.”
I roll my eyes at her and see her smile at me. She has a pretty smile I must say.
“I crashed my car, happy now?”
“Yep that’s all I wanted to know.”
She has that fucking smile on her face again, but I don’t see any judgement in her eyes, like I’ve seen in other people’s.
“How did you find me?” I ask her.
“Pretty easy really, I know how to sweet talk people,” she says with amusement bouncing in her eyes. “So why all the anger issues?”
I knew at some point she would ask me this, but it doesn’t soften the blow. I hate having to talk about my feelings. The hospital wanted to me to see a psychologist about how I was feeling, I refused point blank, it just wasn’t happening.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I bite back. She shakes her head at me, but I know she isn’t going to give up, that she won’t let it drop. It might not be today, but I can see this woman sticking around and going on at me until I cave.
“Nope sorry that’s not an answer.” She’s fucking smiling again; I swear that’s all she does.
“How are you so fucking happy all the time?”
Just seeing her so happy is irritating me big style. God would I love to knock that smile off her face right now, that or fucking kiss her. Where the hell did that
thought come from is beyond me. This woman is proving to be a pain in my arse.
“Why not be happy? I am alive, I have family supporting and my friends have my back as well. There’re worse things in world going on, to be moping about. Why should I feel sorry for myself because I am in a wheelchair?”
Her words strike a chord with me, I am feeling sorry for myself and moping about, but I just can’t seem to snap out of it. I just feel like the world is against me and my life is over. I don’t want to live anymore, it all ended when I crashed my car nearly six weeks ago. With each passing day, I feel myself sink further into this blackhole. I’ve seen to have given up on everything, I don’t want to live anymore.
“It’s easier for you, you’re not in my shoes.”
“Not in your shoes, okay shall we compare? I am in a wheelchair, you are too. I am in hospital, you are too. I can’t walk yet, oohh, you can’t either… Yet….” She says the last word with more fire than any other. It’s like she is trying to prove to me that I can do it. That I can walk again. I allow that thought to stay in my head a little longer.
Can I walk again?
Can I do it?
“Look, have you used the wheelchair without a porter?”
I stare at her blankly not sure why she is asking me this question. Surely, I must always have a porter?
“No why would I?
“Right let’s get you out that bed and get some fresh air. You can use your arms I take it?”
I nod at her and before I can say anything else, she has the nurses coming over and lifting me into the wheelchair. I just sit here and wonder how the hell this woman has come into my life and is starting to turn it around.
“Right now, come on, use your hands and arms, start moving, we’re going for some fresh air.”
She is so matter of fact about it, like I have no say whatsoever in this.
“What if I don’t want to go?” I sit there with my arms folded like a child having a tantrum. God, what has my life become?
“Tough, move it now.”
This fucking woman is getting on my last nerve now. She starts moving away…
“Come on.”
I growl under my breath and take hold of the wheels. I’ve never used a wheelchair before and I suddenly start feeling like I can’t do it, like my arms won’t work. I start shaking and everything around me becomes distant and muffled. I feel a panic attack coming on and don’t know how to stop it. Suddenly there’s warm hand on my leg and the fog lifts slightly Helen is there by my side with a small smile on her face, but I can also see the worry in her eyes. She is trying her hardest not to show it.
“Look at me,” she says making me look at her. “It’s okay, you’ve got this. We will take it slow and I’ll be with you every step.”
“Why do you want to help me?” I ask. “You don’t even know me.” I look down at her hand still on my knee, I don’t get this woman. She doesn’t even know me and yet here she is bringing me down from a panic attack, that most nurses can’t seem to do.
“Look, yeah, I don’t know you, but end of the day, we’re both in this hospital and in similar situations, why not help each other? I know I could do with a friend in this place and even more so when we break free,” she says the last part with a chuckle.
I feel a small smile creep on my face, it’s the first time in such a long time. My hands suddenly take on a mind of their own, grabbing the wheels and begin pushing them. I feel the chair move forward and notice Helen at the side of me smile.
Going through the corridors, everyone is staring at me and my anger starts to boil again, I feel anxious and start sweating.
“Ignore them,” I hear Helen say at the side of me. “We don’t know them, and they don’t know us.”
How the hell did she know what I was thinking? We make it outside and I suck in a huge breath of fresh air. It’s like now I am here, I want to soak it all up. I’ve missed this, I’ve been letting my demons take over and stopped myself from seeing the outside world. I lean my head back and close my eyes and just feel the sun beaming down on me. I know Helen is beside me, but she doesn’t say anything and just lets me have this moment. Tears fill my eyes and I allow them fall. I cry for everything I feel I’ve missed. The darkness has taken over and had a hold of me. I know I need to fight to get myself back, I just don’t know how I can do it.
Chapter Six
Helen
I sit and watch him cry and my heart is physically breaking for this man. You can see that he’s become a shell of himself. I know I don’t really know him, but anyone with a right mind can see he is hurting. The crash completely broke him. Completely shattered his world. I want to reach out to him, but I know he needs this moment to himself. He needs to fight the darkness that has taken over him, fight the depression.
Jenson turns his head towards me and all I see is the pain in his eyes. The man before me is breaking and it’s crushing me. I reach across and just place my hand on his knee.
“You can fight this,” I say to him, “You can beat the demons.” He nods, and I know I am getting through to him, I know he can fight this, and I will be there every step of the way.
“Thank you.”
Just two words are spoken, but they hold so much meaning. I simply nod. It doesn’t need any more than that.
We spend some time outside and getting to know each other. I learn he’s twenty-two years-old and an only child. His mum is adamant he is going to stay with her and his dad when he leaves hospital. Jenson also told me he may be leaving to go home within the next week and will just have to keep coming back for his physio sessions. When he told me that, I was a little crushed. There is something about him that draws me to him. Don’t get me wrong, he was a twat to me at first, but I saw past that. I could see the man hurting and the pain he was hiding.
“So, have you thought about medication for your depression?” I ask him, I know he hasn’t been taking any.
“I don’t want them; I feel like they will be the final straw in how bad my life has become.”
“Your life isn’t bad, yes you have hit a rocky patch,” I notice him roll his eyes at that comment. “That doesn’t mean you can’t build from it and move pass this, but to be able to do it, you need to admit to yourself you need help. You need the medication to pull you out this.”
I watch him just stare straight ahead, unsure if I am getting through to him at all. I know it’s his male pride that is standing in his way.
We make our way back to the ward, Jenson is quiet on the way, lost in his own head. I’m just hoping that some of the things I have said to him, has registered with him.
Once we arrive back at his bed and nurses help him up, I notice the grimace on his face when they do it. Maybe that’s how I can help him, show him how to be slightly more independent. He can easily get himself on and off the bed, god if I can do it, he can. He’s got more arm strength than me.
I say goodbye to him and make my way back to my ward, my arms are starting to ache now. I didn’t want to show him how much it was starting to hurt. I wanted to build him up, not show signs of weakness. Once I am back at my bed, I lift myself from the chair and into the bed. God that feels so much better now. I pick my magazine up and start flicking through, but my eyes start to get heavy. Soon I’m falling asleep.
My dreams are filled with a gorgeous man, with chocolate brown eyes, stood at the end of a pier on a stunning lake, and me walking down to meet him, in a wedding dress. I bolt awake…
“What the fuck was that about?” I say to myself. How am I dreaming about a guy I hardly know anything about? I can’t be falling for this man.
Bringing myself out of my musings I notice Claire walking over to me with yet more grapes and more magazines. Seriously this girl doesn’t stop.
“Hey bitch how’s it hanging, how’s the broken man doing?”
I give her a look that shows I am not happen with her choice of words. She mouths sorry to me and sit
s on the edge of the bed.
“My bad, but seriously how is it going?”
I feel my cheeks burn, with thinking about the dream I have just had. Claire notices this and a shocked expression fills her face.
“Please don’t tell me you’re falling for him?” she asks me.
“No, no nothing like that,” I say, trying to sound convincing, but by the look on her face I haven’t managed it.
“Helen, I hope you know what you’re doing?”
“Look don’t worry, it’s all good. We had a nice hour outside today. I think it really helped him. Maybe one day I can introduce him to you? You can see for yourself he isn’t that bad.
“Hmm maybe.”
She doesn’t sound overly convinced. We spend the next hour just chatting about random things. The doctor comes over to see me, checks my charts and informs me, that I should be able to go home tomorrow. My heart drops now don’t get me wrong; I can’t wait to get out of here. To be able to eat some decent food, but I just can’t help feeling like I will lose all contact with Jenson. I’ve just begun helping him, and I can see some progress in only one day. I don’t want to throw that away.
After Claire has gone, and I have had my dinner… which was awful again. I decide to go see Jenson again. I need to speak to him. I want to stay in contact after we both leave the hospital. I don’t want to lose him…
Chapter Seven
Jenson
After Helen had gone, I lay in the bed and just let my mind wonder. Can I defeat this blackness that surrounds me? Can I learn to walk again? I press the buzzer for the nurse and she comes straight over to me, she doesn’t look too happy. She probably thinks I am going to be an arse to her like again, like I normally am.
“Yes Mr Davis?”
“Please call me Jenson,” I see the shocked look on her face as she never expected me to be nice.
“Okay Jenson, what can I do for you?”
Escaping The Shadows Anthology: Shenanigans'19 @ The West Midlands Book Signing. Page 15