I dropped to my knees, throwing my head in my hands. If I could switch places with them, I would. My brother had had so much ahead of him, as had Leigh.
I pulled on my hair, hoping the pain would seep into me, hoping to feel something other than the numbness coursing through my body or the way my heart was beating out of my chest.
Breathe, man. Get up. Do what your father envisioned for you. Play football. Get married. Have a family. Do the impossible.
I couldn’t. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know if I wanted to do any of those things without my mom telling me that I would make a good husband one day. Or Leigh coaxing me to find a girlfriend. Or my brother Randal talking football and sports and seeing how excited he would get when I won a football game. Or hearing my dad’s words, “I’m proud of you, son. The NFL is in your grasp.”
Football meant nothing at the moment. Playing wouldn’t be the same without my old man or my family.
“Ryker,” Lucas called from behind me before he gripped my shoulders. “I got you.”
I blinked several times as I lifted my head.
Lucas knelt down. “They will always be watching you, man.” His voice cracked. “I miss your pain-in-the-ass brother.”
I half smiled. “He loved playing jokes on you. Remember that bearded dragon he put in your bed?” Lucas wasn’t a fan of bearded dragons, at least not the one Randall had had.
Lucas laughed. “It got me out of bed.”
I chuckled. “Hell, man, you ran home so fast, we couldn’t track you.”
He swatted at me. “If you ever tell a soul about that, I will deck you.”
Silence ensued as a raindrop splattered on one of the caskets.
“So what do I do now?” I asked myself more than Lucas.
“Whatever you want, man. Get laid. Get drunk. Party. Play football. Stick your head in a cold bucket of water. I want to do all those things. I feel your pain as if it were my own, as if my family was taken away from me.” A tear slid down his face. “I’m so fucking mad at the world for what happened to them. Your mom was my second mom. Your old man was the dad I never had. It guts me to think I won’t see them ever again.”
“I haven’t gotten past the shock.”
Lucas wiped a tear away. “You will.”
That was my fear. What would happen when I did?
I stood. “Let’s go. We have alcohol with our names on it. Just you and me.” I was in the mood for quietness, good company, and a glass of scotch.
Rain started to fall.
I kissed each coffin, my lungs constricting. “I’ll see you guys again one day when I make it to heaven.”
Heaven.
Haven.
What the fuck!
I went ramrod straight.
“What’s wrong?” Lucas asked.
I was afraid to tell him that Haven had popped into my brain. But I shouldn’t be. We told each other everything.
“I can’t leave. I can’t leave them here. I feel like once they’re in the ground, I won’t be able to function.”
“You’re not leaving them, man. They’ll be in your heart. Always.”
I turned and threw my arms around him. “I love you, bro. If you leave me, I’ll hunt you down and kill you.”
He chuckled, squeezing me tightly. “Ditto.”
We stayed like that for a long minute before we broke apart.
Lucas headed for the limo.
I hesitated, took a deep breath, then put one foot in front of the other. With each step, I felt as if I were vanishing into thin air. I felt empty, weak, and so fucking numb that it would be a miracle if I woke up tomorrow.
Lucas jumped into the back seat while the limo driver held open the door, waiting on me.
I looked back. This was it, the end of the road. This moment was a turning point I wasn’t ready for. My eyes clouded, but the tears never came.
The clouds opened up, and heavy rain poured down. I swore it was the universe crying for me, or maybe Mom was shedding tears. Or Randall, Jr. Or Leigh. My old man didn’t cry, or at least I’d never seen him cry.
A groundskeeper walked over to the gravesites and began lowering the caskets into the ground.
“Ryker,” Lucas said. “It’s time.”
Time for what? I had no idea. I didn’t want to leave. For a moment, I debated whether to stay at the cemetery for the night.
“Mr. James, you’re going to get soaked,” the limo driver said.
I glanced up at the sky, welcoming the rain, not caring how soaked I got.
“Dude,” Lucas called again.
Reluctantly, I hopped in. “Let’s go to my parents’ house.” I wanted to stay close to my parents, sister, and brother, and I couldn’t do that in the home Lucas and I shared near campus. Besides, I wasn’t ready to let go of them yet, even though they weren’t there.
Lucas gave the limo driver the address.
I leaned my head against the window.
“Isn’t Kari having a small gathering?” Lucas asked.
“No. We decided not to.” Aunt Kari had been too distraught to plan anything.
I closed my eyes, listening to the swish of the windshield wipers.
“You should take the semester off,” Lucas said.
“If I want to play football, I can’t.”
He looked at me seriously. “Do you want to play?”
I shrugged. “Not sure.” I really wasn’t. At the moment, football didn’t appeal to me.
“Maybe you should consider taking over your dad’s company,” he said. “Ditch school for a year.”
Straightening, I gave him a sidelong glance. “Definitely something to think about. But not likely. My old man set up the trust so that if something did happen to him and my mom, I couldn’t take over the company until I’m thirty, or later if I’m playing in the NFL.” Dad had wanted me to live my dream.
The limo turned onto the exit for the highway.
Lucas twirled his phone in his hand. “Are you still into the fundraiser?”
I’d forgotten about that. “It’s for a great cause.” My mom had been helping out at the Chelsea House for Battered Women. That was one of the reasons I’d suggested that charity to the football team.
He swung his light-brown gaze my way. “Do you still want to add a girl to the mix?”
“I was only fucking with Haven.”
“I know. I think it would be a nice addition, though. Someone like a senator’s daughter might bring in more money. And she’s beautiful.”
His last line stole the wind out of me. She was fucking unforgettable—her lilac scent and those damn emerald eyes.
“We’ll have her old man on our asses,” I said.
Lucas grinned. “When has that stopped us from doing something?”
We always did what we wanted. “She won’t do it.”
“She might if you ask her instead of telling her. I know you have a thing for her.”
He knew me well. The last girl I had a thing for was in high school, but Ellie and I had been short-lived. She had stolen my breath away when I’d first met her my freshman year. She’d had blond hair that hung down to her ass, bright-blue eyes that were big and round, and a smile that had sent shockwaves through my body. But my first crush had lasted four weeks. Ellie’s father had taken a job in another state, and I never saw her again. After that, I hadn’t fallen hard for any girl. Football had become my love.
“I’m not going to lie. She has gotten into my psyche for some odd reason.”
He laughed. “You mean she’s gotten your dick hard.”
“That too. There’s something about her.”
“Fire. She’s an inferno, and right up your alley.”
I popped my head back against the seat. “Fire and ice don’t match.”
“I believe Haven Hale will thaw you out.”
Lucas Allen wasn’t wrong about much.
12
Haven
The last week had been nothing but classes and studying. Vic
ki had tried to get me to go back to the sorority house with her one night for their recruitment dinner. I’d declined once again. I had done my roomie duty of attending with her the first time, but she didn’t need me to hold her hand. And no amount of coaxing would change my mind about joining a sorority, regardless of the deal I had with my father.
The halls of Woodcreek High School were quiet as I headed to Mr. Bridges’s government class. I was there to speak on my father’s behalf liked he’d asked me to. I had almost reached the classroom when my phone rang. Speak of the devil.
“Father, are you checking up on me?”
“I just want to make sure you haven’t forgotten about Mr. Bridges.”
I rolled my eyes even though he couldn’t see me. The week had been quiet, without him checking on me. After the funeral service for Ryker’s family, my father and I had exchanged some not-so-nice words. He’d had a fit that I would subject myself to be auctioned off to the highest bidder but only because it would bring bad publicity to his reelection campaign.
I stopped two doors down from the government classroom. “I’m about to go in.”
“Have you told the James boy you’re not participating in the auction?”
I puffed out my cheeks, staving off the anger that always welled up when I spoke to my father. We’d never had a conversation that didn’t end in an argument. In fact, we’d never really talked like a normal father and daughter. If he needed to speak to me, it was mostly to tell me not to do something.
“I’m not going to answer you.”
“Haven.” His tone was commanding.
“Father.”
I hadn’t seen Ryker since that day in church. I didn’t expect to see him either. I was a freshman, and he was a junior. So we didn’t have any classes together. Plus, the campus was big. Vicki had heard that Beverly had tried to contact Ryker with no luck. I chalked that up to Ryker not wanting anything to do with Beverly. She had been at the funeral service. Actually, I thought the entire university had been there, as well as the whole town of Lakemont.
“Let me know how it goes with Mr. Bridges,” my father said before the line went dead.
Bastard.
I had the urge to throw my phone at the locker across from me, the locker that I was just noticing had flowers in front of it with pictures and cards taped to it.
I crossed the hall. The first card I laid eyes on was handmade with glitter and the words, Leigh, you always made us laugh. We love you and miss you. The card was peppered with signatures, hearts, and smiley faces.
The next card was similar, as were all the others taped to the locker.
“Ms. Hale,” a male voice said as shoes scuffed along the floor.
I tore my gaze away from the locker to find Mr. Bridges walking toward me. He was dressed in his signature bow tie and short-sleeved, button-up shirt. “Sad, isn’t it? She was a vibrant and happy young woman.”
“I didn’t know Leigh James went to Woodcreek High,” I said.
“She was a junior and president of her class.” Mr. Bridges’s bald head shone beneath the fluorescent lights above. “Do you know her older brother, Ryker? He goes to Lakemont University.”
“I’ve met him.” If I were being honest, I’d been thinking about him nonstop all week. In particular, I’d been analyzing the question he’d asked about why I was in his life. I certainly didn’t know the answer to that one. “Did you go to the funeral?” I didn’t recall seeing Mr. Bridges there.
“I couldn’t make it. If you happen to run into Ryker, tell him the principal has been trying to get ahold of him.”
I nodded even though I wouldn’t have any reason to see Ryker. Sure, my father wanted me to tell him I wasn’t participating in the fundraiser. But I didn’t need to. I’d already told Ryker that, and he’d also told me to forget about it. So that was settled. But I’d failed to mention to my father the words I’d exchanged with Ryker at the church, only because I didn’t want to talk about Ryker anymore with him.
I was at the point where I was ready to throw caution to the wind and do something about my sexual needs despite the consequences I could face if my father found out.
So what if I have to move home. Arlene would kick me out after a week of living there anyway. The worst my father could do was stop paying my tuition and expenses. While I wasn’t ready for that, I couldn’t have him suffocating me or telling me who I could or couldn’t see.
“Are you ready to address my class?” Mr. Bridges asked.
A minute later, I was walking into a room of about twenty-five students, most of whom were hurrying to put their phones away.
I smiled, remembering my days at boarding school when the teachers would confiscate our phones if we got caught with them out during class. I’d had mine taken away a few times. The days of writing notes in class had resurfaced since we couldn’t use our phones to text anyone.
Mr. Bridges settled in front of his desk, tucking his hands into his khaki pants pockets. “Straighten up. Ms. Hale is here on behalf of her father, Senator Hale, who couldn’t be here today. She’ll talk to you this morning about what she does for her father during a campaign.”
I stood a few feet away from Mr. Bridges, scanning the room. Two girls in the first and second rows sized me up. It was typical of girls to vet out a new female.
I smoothed a hand down my knee-length skirt. I was dressed in a professional manner and had been taught to dress appropriately for the occasion.
Mr. Bridges waved me over. “You have the floor.” Then he went over to the bank of windows that overlooked the grassy area behind the school. Well beyond that, stadium lights stood tall from the football field.
I had no idea what I was going to say. I hadn’t thought too much about the topic, and the only thing my father had mentioned was that I should keep my opinions to myself. He’d also told me to talk about how important it was to vote. I couldn’t argue with him on that since I agreed with him.
I cleared my throat as I leaned against Mr. Bridges’s desk. “Actually, I’m not going to tell you about my role in my father’s campaign because I don’t help out. For me, school is important.”
“So you’re not studying politics?” a girl directly in front of me with bright amber eyes asked.
I regarded Mr. Bridges. “I want to be a high school teacher.”
“I do too,” the girl replied.
I scanned the class, finding droopy eyes and bored faces. I couldn’t say I blamed them for being uninterested. I remember how bored I’d been in my high school government class but not because the topic had put me to sleep. I’d already known too much about politics, thanks to dear old dad.
I tried a different tactic. “Instead of me talking, what questions do you have for me that are related to politics? I might not help my dad, but I do know the subject.”
“My parents aren’t voting for Senator Hale,” a boy said from the back of the room.
“Mr. Cleary, ears not mouth,” Mr. Bridges said. “Or ask an appropriate question.”
A brunette raised her hand. “What’s it like growing up with your father in politics?”
Brutal when your father hides you away or doesn’t want you to make a spectacle out of him. “I hardly lived at home. I went to a boarding school. But when I was home, my father entertained a lot. So I got to meet lots of politicians around the country.” Not that I’d been excited about that. But the girl seemed interested.
Another hand went up from a boy with wavy brown hair that was in need of combing, or maybe unruly was the new fashion trend. “I saw you at the church last Sunday, talking to Leigh’s brother, Ryker. Can you get tickets to the football games?”
“Mr. Cleary.” Mr. Bridges’s tone was deep.
“I’m not going to be president of the country, and I don’t care about politics,” Mr. Cleary said. “Leigh got us tickets.” He lowered his gaze to his desk as though he were remembering her in a loving way.
Mr. Bridges opened his mouth to speak.
/> “Mr. Cleary,” I said.
“My name is Zack.”
“Okay, Zack. You may not be president of this country one day, but you should understand who is running for office and vote for those that you believe in.” I might not want to go into politics or listen to my father, but I felt it was important to vote.
“So do you vote for your father?” he asked.
I hadn’t had the chance to vote in a major election since turning eighteen, and my father had been elected six years ago when I wasn’t of age to vote.
“Actually, I will, and not because he’s my father, but because I agree with him that we should protect our environment. Look, we live in a state that is home to lots of different industries like the oil industry. Therefore, it’s important to keep them running for the economy, but it’s equally important to ensure that we have strict laws on emissions, water discharge, and other such things so that we do live in a safe and clean environment.”
Mr. Bridges smiled proudly at me. I had no idea what he and my father had discussed. Frankly, I didn’t think my father even knew I agreed with some of his policies. Maybe if he gave me the time of day, we could chat about things rather than arguing.
I regarded Zack. “But back to your other question on football tickets. I’ll see what I can do.” As a student, I had access to purchase tickets easily. I wouldn’t mind attending a game anyway. “Any other questions?”
Mr. Bridges joined me at his desk. “As Ms. Hale said, it’s important to understand who the politicians are and their policies so, in the end, you can make an informed decision when you reach voting age.”
The bell rang.
The students scattered as though the fire alarm had gone off.
Zack came up to me. “Thank you.” Then he left, looking like he’d lost his best friend.
“Was he close to Leigh James?” I asked Mr. Bridges.
“He, Jessica Davis, and Leigh were tight.”
I remembered a Jessica speaking at the church.
“You did well.” He chuckled. “Your dad was worried about what you were going to say.”
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