by SE Reynolds
So sorry for your loss, Joshua
I feel my pulse in my throat. The match is struck. A fire is burning, burning everything, I just rebuilt.
Chapter 44 – Virginia
I learned about Joshua and Stacie's marriage on the evening news about two months ago. Their marriage wasn't a big announcement or a headline story. It was casually mentioned by Doreen Rieger.
"Fairview Mayor Joshua Steadman and his wife Stacie Shewster-Steadman were among the couples that spoke at the Virginia Women's Equality Coalition Fund Raiser…."
I was unpleasantly surprised when I heard about their nuptials. It happened so fast. She had to be pregnant, I thought. Joshua is conservative; he'd never let her get an abortion. She never would in fear she would eventually dry up and never reproduce. I haven't seen Joshua since he scolded me at Ryan's. I got the message loud and clear, but damn, it hurt. It still hurts. I keep going over in my head what I did wrong, how I should have behaved, how things could be different if only I had…fill in the blank. But in the end, I've come to the conclusion that it wasn't my fault and it wasn't his fault that we broke up. It was her fault. Stacie kept butting in. Joshua was vulnerable; he probably saw her as some kind of mother figure, someone who would care for his basic needs so he could focus on his career. I have to give her credit. She knows how to play the innocent, hold-on-to-every-word-he-says kind of bitch. I'm sure she passively-aggressively bashed me. She knew what she was doing, and one day, I hope it bites her in the ass. Every now and then, I pull out the photo of Stacie in the locker room staring at her pathetic self, repulsed by what she sees, and just when I'm about to post it on Joshua's Facebook page, I stop myself. Oh, the harm that it could cause poor Stacie. It would just destroy her, but I just can't. I'm not that crazy mad. I'm not going to jail over that bitch.
I can't wait for the day when I wake up and don’t think about Joshua Steadman. After everything, I still can't shake him. Misty says I should join Match and start dating. She said I should date, fuck, and have fun, but the thought of going through the dating motions sickens me. I don't want to meet someone like him, fuck him, be affected by him, then ultimately be dumped by him. It would just do me in. Instead, I've gone back to my simple, repeatable life: go to work, take care of my son, work out, watch the news, drink wine, go to bed. I was going to avoid the studio for fear I may run into Stacie and punch her in her fat face, but Misty said Stacie canceled her membership. She's probably afraid she will run into me. She should be. I'm crazy, psycho Virginia. At least that's what she thinks, and that's what Joshua thinks. Yes, sticking to a safe, repeatable life is what I need. Maybe I'll get a dog. Robert has been begging for a puppy, and Harry won't get him one. Harry doesn't like dogs; well, he doesn't like dogs living in the same house as him. He thinks it's unhygienic. How rich? Harry can have sex with trash off the streets, but he doesn't want to live with a dog.
Robert deserves a puppy. If I get one now, I should have around twelve years of loyal company, even after Robert leaves me. Of course, Robert may want to take the dog with him, but he will feel sorry for me and let me keep it. Instead of being the threatening divorcee on the block, I will be the pathetic lonely old lady whose only redeeming quality is her dog. I will grow old with my little mut, while Stacie lives happily ever after with her balding prince. I just can't picture that. I just can't picture Joshua with Stacie forever. It doesn't seem natural, and it's certainly not the way it's supposed to be. Something will fuck them up and destroy their fragile little farse of a marriage, and I hope I get a front-row seat to see it all explode, and finally, the natural order of things will be restored.
Chapter 45 – Stacie
I'm no longer the weakest link at the firm. Well, I am still the third name on the sign, but Ellie is giving me more "chewy cases."
She calls them chewy because you have to really sink your teeth into them to get through the "bullshit lies" that go on in a high-stakes, dirty divorce. Ellie didn't actually give them to me, but I persuaded her to give me another chance. I also think she gets a kick out of having a partner that is the wife of the city mayor. Josh thought it would be a good idea to get involved in the more high-profile cases. It would give us more visibility. It's all part of his plan, our plan. "We are going bigger," he says to me with a twinkle in his eye and a devious little grin. He knows I can't resist him. I don't ever want to.
Josh has been so busy planning his next big move, the United States Senate. I have never been to more fundraising events with cocktails in my life. He says these events are important. It's a way for him to casually throw his hat into the ring, get his name circulating in the right places. He says it's important for me to shine as well. He makes sure everything is just right, from what I wear to what I say. He encourages me to only wear tailored pantsuits that are navy blue or black, white blouses, pearls, your standard professional garb. Josh puts in a lot of work prepping for these events.
I want to just show up, but he said these parties should be treated as unofficial interviews. We even have pre-planned talking points. We rehearse our scripts on the way to the events. He says we need to make the most of the time that we have in front of these important people.
"Stacie, when you hear me introduce someone to you as Congressman blah or Senator blah, then you know we are around people that matter. So, if I say, Stacie, did you know Congressman Jones has passed legislation to provide tax cuts for the lower middle class? You say that's wonderful, Josh; you did something similar in Fairview. Then I will take over from there. You got it?"
I try to watch for his cues, but sometimes I miss them, or worse, I giggle. Josh gets so frustrated with me.
"Stacie, you can't start acting like a school girl when we are around these types of people. We want to be taken seriously. It's not just about me, but people vote for the wife too. You should at least act like you are a polished, experienced lawyer."
It hurts my feelings a little when Josh talks to me like that, but I know what the stakes are, and it's so important to him. I don't want to let him down, but tonight, we are having a quiet night alone, no parties, no fundraisers, no JJ. I don't mean to sound awful, but I feel like I have to be on my guard with JJ all the time. I never know when he will have a moment, an angry moment, where he gets mad at his video game and throws random objects at the TV.
Tonight, Mimi is taking JJ for the entire night. She doesn't like to hang out here. I think she feels like she is not wanted now that Josh has a new wife. It's not that, but after I read her letter, it's hard for me to even look at her, so I haven't invited her over. She doesn't know that I know. The uncomfortable awkwardness I can't shake off would eventually come through. I'm not like Josh; I can't compartmentalize. He says Mimi is one of the only constants in JJ's life. She's like a mother to him. He won't ruin that, and I won't either. I hope one day my image of Mimi changes.
I want the night to be about us, the husband and wife us, not the political couple us. I don't dare ruin the night by trying to cook, so I ordered burgers from Ryan's and got a six-pack of Heineken, the same beer he had the first night he invited me out. I'm hoping it will ignite a little reminiscent spark. We haven't had sex in two weeks; it's the longest we've gone, and we've only been married five months! We are still newlyweds, after all. If it were up to me, I would be with him every day, morning, noon, and night. I can't imagine being one of those wives you see on sitcoms that never wants to have sex and brushes her poor husband off every time he tries to get frisky.
Nope, not me. Tonight, we will get back to basics. I take a shower and spritz myself with Pretty in Peach body spray. I put on my slenderizing high-waisted Levi's and a low-cut yellow lacy baby doll blouse that shows off my cleavage and hides all the bad stuff below the cleavage. All the parties and events have caused me to put on a couple of extra pounds. I complained to Josh about it, but he said he hasn't noticed, and if it bothers me so much, then I should pass on the hors d'oeuvres.
I take a beer out of the fridge and take a sip. I hope he
gets here soon; the burgers are getting cold. I sit in my fancy velvet pink chair at the back of the living room and wait. I love this chair. It's something you would see in a 1980's dollhouse. The back is low and curved with silver buttons that push into the upholstery creating little mini pillows. I feel like a princess sitting in it. I have it positioned so that it faces my front bay window. I can see all the other pretty houses in my mini kingdom, and I can see each set of headlights that come towards me, but none of them pull into my driveway. I'm getting impatient and hungry. I look at my phone. Josh was supposed to be here thirty minutes ago. I wonder if Melissa spent many nights waiting for Josh to come home and entertain her. She seems like she'd have too much going on being mother of the year to wait around for him, I think as I play with my phone and google Melissa Steadman Mayor's wife, Fairview. I get many hits. The first is a news article from the Fairview Star reporting on her death.
Melissa Steadman, the wife of local Fairview mayor, Joshua Steadman, has died at age forty-five. She lost her battle with cancer…Melissa led the cause against child hunger…she was voted mother of the year…she home-schooled their son Joshua Junior…she was a local treasure…
I stare at another beautiful picture of Melissa Steadman. It's amazing how a woman in her forties, whose innocence was taken too soon in such a horrible way, can still look like a virgin schoolgirl. Maybe God blessed her with this façade, so she could hide from the horror that lived inside of her. Finally, I hear the door open and shut. Josh climbs up the stairs and walks right by me.
"Are you okay?"
He doesn't respond and continues his ascent. I put my beer down and rush up the stairs to our bedroom. Josh is sitting at the edge of the bed staring at me as I walk in.
"You walked right by me. Are you okay?"
"Yes. I'm fine. Just another grueling meeting about a bunch of bullshit that no one cares about. How was your day, Stacie? Where's JJ?"
"My day was fine. JJ is at Mimi's, remember?"
"Oh right, I forgot about that."
I sit next to Josh on the bed.
"Looks like you need a little distraction," I say as I put my hand on his knee. "We have the house to ourselves, Honey."
"I guess we do," he says. "I need a beer, Stacie. I'll be back."
"Okay, I'll be waiting."
Once he leaves the room, I take off my jeans and blouse, leaving my bra and underwear on, and get under the covers. A few minutes later, Josh returns with two beers.
"You left this downstairs," he says as he puts my beer down on the nightstand.
Josh sits on the edge of the bed and guzzles his beer. He takes off everything except his boxer briefs, gets under the covers.
"I've missed you, Josh," I say as I rub his chest.
Josh doesn't respond and lies still, facing the ceiling. I turn his face towards mine and kiss him. I open my eyes; I want to see his eyes, but they are closed, so I close mine. I take his hand and slide it inside my bra. I put my hand on his boxers and rub gently, but I can't feel him. I reach inside the opening of his boxers and find his penis, but it's completely soft. I pull off the covers, slide down, and pull down his briefs. I put his penis in my mouth. I suck as hard as I can, but it keeps falling out, completely lifeless.
"Stacie, stop, stop!" Josh pulls his boxers up and sits up.
"What's wrong, Josh?"
"Really, Stacie? God, I get home, tell you I got out of a shit meeting, and you immediately want to fuck? Do you not get basic social cues?"
I sit up. I can't look at Josh. I want to say I'm sorry, but I'm sick of those words coming out of my mouth. So, I say nothing, get out of bed, and put on my robe.
"I brought home some Ryan's burgers. They are probably cold by now. They are on the kitchen counter. I'll leave you alone."
"Wait, Stacie, wait, I'm sorry. It's not you. You're awesome. It's me. Just had a bad day."
"You're right. I am awesome. That's all I've been to you is awesome. I've done everything you've asked of me, but tonight I just wanted to be your wife and feel like your lover, not your partner. You've had a bad day? It's more like a bad couple of weeks, Josh."
"What do you mean by weeks? I'm just having a bad day, and it carried over into tonight, Stacie. I'm human; shit, give me a break!"
"No, I'm not giving you a break, Josh! I've done nothing but be what you want, do what you want. It's all business with you. We havn't had sex in weeks, and even before then, it wasn't…."
"It wasn't what, Stacie? "
"Nothing. Never mind. I just want my husband back. I want my Josh back."
"Marriage isn't always fucking and roses, Stacie. There's the real world. We have jobs; we have JJ, we have your fucking mother! I'm doing my best, and if that's not good enough, then…."
"Then what? It's not good enough, Josh! I deserve more. I deserve better!"
"Well, then go. Go see if you can find someone better. I have put up with a lot of your shit too. All of your yellow, all of your mother, all of these fucking little bears! Sometimes I feel like I'm a pedophile, sleeping with a little girl every night."
His words strike me hard like slaps to my face. Josh walks over to the mantle and picks up Bumble Bee Bear.
"Put it down, Josh!" I scream. "I'm not going anywhere. This is my house, remember, and at the end of the day, you are not going anywhere either. You need me as much as I need you, and maybe more. I hold the key to your future. I know you better than anyone. I know your strengths, your weaknesses, your secrets. I'm the partner in all your big plans. Our names are circulating. We are out there. What would people think if you lose me, another wife you cannot hold onto, another wife you destroy?"
Josh slowly puts the bear down and continues to stare at me. I stare back, trying not to flinch or blink, and then he suddenly bursts into laughter.
"You find that funny, Josh?"
"Sorry, I just realized, Stacie, that this is our first real fight, and, man, you are good at it. I'm sorry, I have underestimated you. My not-so-sweet Stacie, where did you go?"
Josh looks around the room like he is looking for something and then stares back at me.
"She's gone, isn't she?"
"Who's gone?"
"My sweet Stacie, that's who."
"I'm still here, but…."
"No, not anymore. I'm kind of glad she's gone. It makes things easier, more of a level playing field."
"What are you talking about, Josh?"
"Just saying that I prefer the strong, clever Stacie who gets what she wants; fights for what she wants. She's no one's victim. You are right; I do need you more. Forgive me for my moment of insanity, Stacie. Things have suddenly become much clearer now. Please forgive me, my little force to be reckoned with. All this fighting has gotten me in the mood."
Josh slowly walks towards me and then suddenly grabs my arm and pulls me into his chest. He kisses me passionately, almost violently. He unties my robe and pushes it to the ground. I'm excited. For the first time, I feel like he wants me; we are fucking, really fucking with emotion, and I love it. The earth has shifted, and I know that this man no longer sees me as his subordinate. I'm now his equal.
Chapter 46 – Joshua
I arrive at Arlington Diner at 4:30 p.m. She is sitting in the back corner of the diner at a table for two holding her coffee cup with both hands. She is staring straight ahead into nothing. I'm afraid if I get too close to her, she will disappear, just like in my dreams. I approach her cautiously. She sees me out of her peripheral vision and turns to face me.
"Hello, Frat Boy," she says as if I just saw her yesterday.
"Rose, Rose, I can't believe it's you. It's so great to see you."
She is beautiful. Only a few brushstrokes of fine lines around her eyes distinguish her from the Rose I knew in college. She is still my ghostly white, strawberry lips Rose. She puts her coffee cup down, stands up, and reaches for me. She looks so haunting wearing a black turtleneck and tight black jeans. I embrace her. She's in my arms; she's finally i
n my arms. I don't want to release her, but I am getting hard. I guide her back to her seat, and I quickly take mine.
"I periodically troll your Facebook page, you know," she says.
"I saw you married Melissa. I'm so sorry about her death. Melissa and I didn't have a lot in common back in the day, but she seemed better suited for you than I could ever be."
"I thought you blew me off. Well, you did blow me off, actually. Melissa told me you left. I was disappointed, and she was there...we became friends, and it just evolved. We married shortly after graduation."
The last thing I want to talk about during my reunion with Rose is Melissa or her death or anything that has her in a memory or a conversation. I only want to dwell on Rose.
"I tried to find you on Facebook, on every social media outlet that exists, but I never could find you, Rose. And then suddenly, there you were. I hadn't looked at my Facebook page in a long time. I thought it was time to update it, and that's when I saw your message."
"I hate social media, Joshua, but I recently joined out of necessity, like the rest of the masses of desperate souls searching for a connection. I own a little bookstore in Ballston and needed to do some free advertising."
"That's wonderful. I remember how much you loved books and that creepy Edgar Allan Poe and another one of those dead goth writers. I forgot his name."
"The other dead guy would be Faulkner. Yes, I still think that most of the dead authors are the best, but I've tried to expand my horizons."
"Have you always lived in Arlington? You know I never knew where you were from; I just knew˗"
"You just knew my body, Joshua."
I could feel my dick stiffen again, so I change the subject.
"How long have you lived in Arlington?"
"I've always lived here except when I was in school with you."
"You've been so close the entire time, just up the Beltway? You've been right under my nose this entire time, all these years. You left without saying goodbye, by the way. I know we weren't serious or anything, but I thought, well, I thought you'd let me know you were leaving. We could've stayed in touch."