by Deb Kastner
“I don’t think he would have taken a scholarship even if one had been offered to him,” Alyssa said. “That wasn’t his path. He would have been miserable in college. He never much cared for academics. All he ever really wanted to do was pro rodeo.”
“He was good at that, too.” One corner of Cash’s lips curled up the faintest bit. “I was glad he was a saddle bronc rider and not bareback. We were always highly competitive with each other, even when we were kids, but I wouldn’t have wanted to compete with him in the same rodeo event. As it was, we were both able to be the top dogs. It was much more fun that way.”
He paused and coughed, as if to dislodge the emotions choking him. “At least it was, until—”
He paused.
“Oh, man.” He grunted and squeezed his eyes closed, and for a moment Alyssa wondered if he was fighting back tears.
He cleared his throat again, shook his head and ran a hand down his face.
The effect was startling.
One second his expression had been full of sorrow and grief.
But when his eyes met hers for a second time, those emotions had morphed into something else entirely. To Alyssa’s surprise, there was anger in his gaze, and his whole body tightened like a coiled spring. He looked like he was about to jump out of his skin.
What just happened?
“Cash?” she asked gently. She reached for his shoulder, but he jerked back, knocking her hand away.
“I can’t do this,” he ground out from between clenched teeth.
She didn’t even have the opportunity to ask him what he meant before he stomped down the hallway at full stride and disappeared out of sight.
A moment later, she heard the front door slam shut.
She stared after him, her mouth agape. For some reason she couldn’t begin to explain, she felt as if a door had slammed closed in her heart, as well.
Chapter Five
Unexpectedly discovering Aaron’s bedroom looking just as it had been when Aaron was in high school had sucker punched Cash right in the gut.
The pain of seeing Aaron’s things, looking as if they were waiting for their owner to come back and claim them, had been so acute that he’d quite literally lost his breath, and his chest had clenched so tightly it was as if his heart was being squeezed by a vise. His entire body screamed for the numbness a bottle of whiskey would provide.
He’d been downright rude to Alyssa when he’d left without an explanation, but he’d been choking in agony, and all he’d been able to think about at the time was getting as far away from the Emersons’ home as possible, as fast as possible.
To be able to breathe again.
He felt horrible that he’d left Alyssa alone to deal with her father, that his own mortification had won out over his compassion for Alyssa and her father. It had taken him a whole week to feel as if he were back in Alyssa’s good graces.
So much for the new moral code he was trying to establish. With that one act, he’d proven just exactly what kind of man he was, and he couldn’t be more ashamed of his actions. He was weak and selfish.
Because he had taken off the way he did, Alyssa had no one else to spell her or give her a break.
Thankfully, Eddie had returned home Monday evening as he was supposed to do, and he’d helped Alyssa keep their stubborn father in bed to recuperate, but even that knowledge was little consolation to Cash.
The one good thing that had come out of it all was that Alyssa had once again invited Cash to church, and this time he’d agreed. It had taken seeing Aaron’s bedroom to finally convince him he couldn’t make it on his own.
As he stood by his truck in the parking lot of the church on a bright Sunday morning waiting for Alyssa to arrive, he nervously tapped his hat against his thigh and rubbed a hand across the tight muscles at the back of his neck. Even though he mentally coached himself to breathe normally, his breath was coming in short, shallow gasps.
Knowing he needed to get right with God and actually walking back into the sacred sanctuary of church were two different things entirely. And that was to say nothing about facing the community he’d rejected when he’d gone off on his own.
He’d interacted with friends and neighbors when they’d come into Emerson’s, and like Nick and Slade McKenna, most of them had been friendly and accepting. He hoped that the church congregation would be equally as forgiving.
“Cash?” Alyssa reached out and shook his arm.
He looked at her, startled.
“I said your name twice,” she explained, her lips curving up slightly. “You were way out there somewhere in the wild blue yonder.”
He tried to smile.
“Just thinking.”
She raised her brows. “About?”
He shook his head. “Nothing important.”
She nodded toward the church building. “Are you ready to go?”
He tried to smile. “I guess so?”
The words came out as a question and Alyssa chuckled before tucking her hand through his arm.
“You’ll be fine.”
He wished he was as sure of himself as Alyssa appeared to be, but he had to admit it helped having her arm in his for support. Otherwise, he might have turned right around and gotten back in his truck.
“Eddie tried to coax Daddy into coming but he still refuses, so we won’t have the wh-whole family here,” she stammered.
She tensed, and he laid his hand on top of hers. It appeared they both needed support today.
His heart was slamming in his throat as they entered the sanctuary, but as they took their places beside Eddie and knelt for prayer before the service started, a sense of peace enveloped him.
He’d forgotten what it felt like to take time to focus on worshipping God—or maybe he’d never known. His mother had insisted on her only son attending the weekly service, and he’d seen her praying every night—probably for him. He’d dropped the habit of church worship the moment he’d left home, but he expected his mother still prayed for him nightly from her home in Scottsdale.
He finally understood what his mother had tried so hard to teach him.
He felt the presence of God.
“Why do you think Jesus used sheep to represent us in his parables?” Pastor Shawn asked during the homily. “Why not wolves? Or sharks?”
Because I’m as stupid as a sheep, Cash thought, slinking down in the pew and crossing his arms. Following the crowd into sin and error without a second thought.
“Because the sheep is the strongest of all animals,” the pastor continued with a knowing grin.
For a man who ministered in a small ranching town like Serendipity, Pastor Shawn had certainly missed the mark with that statement. Had he ever even been to Rowdy Masterson’s sheep farm and seen sheep in action?
“Why are the sheep strong? Because they are cared for by the Good Shepherd. He puts a fence around them, keeps the wolves at bay. Look to Jesus, for it is through Him that we become strong. God puts a fence around us to keep us safe and makes our community a family.”
Cash was floored at the way Pastor Shawn had flipped the well-known parable on its head. And it made so much sense.
Following all his newly implemented moral principles meant nothing without a real relationship with Jesus and the Christian community.
His strength didn’t come from himself. God was his strength. And his church family was his home.
* * *
With this realization fresh in his heart, he was a little nervous going into the fellowship hall after the service. Practically everyone he knew milled about somewhere in that room, enjoying coffee and doughnuts and a chance to catch up.
The question was, would they want to catch up with him?
He shouldn’t have worried. Jo Spencer was the first to approach him, giving him a boisterous hug and loudly proclaimi
ng how happy she was to see him back at the Lord’s house.
As he sipped on his coffee and scarfed down his doughnut, he was surrounded by his old ranching buddies, and before long, they were laughing and joking as if Cash had never been gone.
As if he hadn’t ruined his life.
Gruff Frank Spencer, Jo’s husband, slapped his back in greeting and asked if they could take a walk.
Curious, Cash agreed.
“Look,” Frank said when they were beyond the earshot of the folks in the fellowship hall. “I’ve never been one to beat around the bush, so I’m just gonna say it. You’re an alcoholic. That will never be past tense. And it’s not something you can do alone.”
Just when Cash had started relaxing, he got hit with this. Was Frank judging him here?
“I know,” Frank said, and Cash’s gut turned over. “Because I’m a recovering alcoholic myself.”
Frank Spencer? Head of the town council? A recovering alcoholic?
He made no excuses. Just told it like it was. Cash had to admire that in a man.
“Now, look. Jo told me you ain’t going to meetings.”
Cash nodded. “That’s not my thing.”
“Well, it ought to be.”
“Sorry. I don’t think so. It’s my problem and I have to deal with it.”
“Son, you’re making a mistake.”
Cash shrugged. He didn’t want to argue with the old man.
Frank pulled out his wallet and handed Cash a card.
“Well, if you ain’t gonna take my advice, then at least take my number. Call me anytime, day or night. Deal?”
“Yes, sir,” Cash agreed, pocketing the card. He’d never use it, but it was nice of Frank to put himself out there this way. The man didn’t parade his alcoholism in front of the world. Cash certainly never would have guessed.
Frank was a role model in that way. If he could do it, Cash could, too. Get beyond the label and move on with his life.
Move on with his life.
Alyssa’s face immediately popped into his mind. He was attracted to her, no doubt about that. But could moving on with his life include a relationship? Something long-term and meaningful?
That was a stretch. At least right now, it was. Even after giving God the reins in his life, he still knew he had a long way to go.
But maybe someday he could stoke the fire between him and his pretty boss.
She’d invited him to the family dinner this afternoon.
That was as good a place as any to start.
* * *
Alyssa fussed about as she laid the place settings on her father’s dining room table. It had been a long-standing family tradition to get together for Sunday dinner, for as far back in Alyssa’s childhood as she could remember.
After her mother left, that tradition had dropped by the wayside. It was only recently that Alyssa had brought what was left of the family back together to share a meal once a week and catch up on all that was happening with each other.
Today was different. It was silly of her to be making such a big deal over the table settings, but she wanted it to be perfect. She’d even laid out their nicest porcelain plates and crystal glasses for her homemade lemonade.
Cash was joining them for dinner today. Why that should make such a big difference was beyond her, but she couldn’t seem to coax her pulse into anything close to its normal rate.
Family dinners already felt strained with its missing members—Mom at the foot of the table and Aaron sitting next to Eddie. Those two boys could never keep their hands off each other and were always pushing and elbowing each other.
These days Eddie just scarfed his food and made his excuses.
When she heard a knock at the front door, she knew it was Cash, since Eddie just let himself into their childhood home. She went to the door and greeted her guest.
He had one arm behind his back, and with a big smile, he presented her with a bouquet of colorful wildflowers native to Texas.
“For you.”
“Thank you,” she replied in a hoarse whisper. “They’re beautiful.”
Well, this was unexpected. He’d said the flowers were for her, but he probably meant for the family, as a centerpiece. Didn’t he?
“Come on in.”
Eddie was on the couch playing a video game and offered Cash a controller. Within moments the two men were vying for a position on the driving game they were playing.
“I’ll just put these in a vase,” she said to no one in particular. “They’ll make a wonderful centerpiece.”
After taking care of the flowers, she went to check on her father. She was surprised to find he was already up, showered and shaved and was running a comb back through his mad-scientist hair.
Since Eddie had indicated her father still wasn’t ready to return to church, she hadn’t realized the extent of his improvement.
“Daddy?”
He met her with a smile.
“You look—” She was so choked up she couldn’t find the words.
His gray eyes glittered with amusement, something she hadn’t seen in oh, so long.
“Handsome?” he supplied for her. “Dashing?”
She giggled. “Cash is here. Are you about ready to eat?”
He patted his too-thin stomach. “I could eat a horse.”
“We’re having chicken. I hope that’s okay,” she joked back, her joy at seeing her father up and about bubbling over into her words.
“Fried chicken?”
“Of course.”
“Homemade?”
Alyssa burst out laughing. “No such luck. You know I don’t have time to cook. I picked up a chicken from Sam’s Grocery yesterday along with all the fixings and one of Phoebe Hawkins’s cherry pies for dessert.”
Phoebe worked at Jo’s café and was known far and wide for her delicious pastries.
Tossing his comb on the bathroom counter, her father slung a bony arm around her shoulder and suggested they go find “the boys.”
His statement was so close—almost—to what once had been, and once again Alyssa got choked up, although now for another reason.
The boys used to be Eddie and Aaron.
Now Aaron was gone, and Cash was here. Life would certainly never be the same, but for maybe the first time since Aaron’s death, Alyssa could picture a future, could see herself moving forward.
With Cash?
As Cash and the family chatted over dinner, Alyssa considered that thought. Cash fit in well, giving as much as he took, laughing and joking.
“So what do you think, Edward?” Cash said after dinner was finished and Cash had helped Alyssa clear the table. Eddie had returned to his video game, but Cash lingered near the dining room. “Are you up for a game of chess?”
If Alyssa was worried that it might be too much for her father, she shouldn’t have been. Edward wiped the board with Cash—and Alyssa didn’t think he let the old man win, either.
Score one for Daddy.
“Do you miss working at the shop? Do you want to come back?” Cash asked as he set up the pieces for a second game.
Alyssa’s heart just about stopped at Cash’s forward questions. Just laying it right out on the line.
They appeared to take her father by surprise, as well, and no wonder. He ran a hand through his hair, returning it to its usual scraggly peaks, and stared at Cash with wide eyes.
“Maybe soon. I’d like to,” he said tentatively. “I don’t know. I’m not ready yet.”
“It’s okay, sir,” Cash assured him. “Alyssa and I have everything under control. I just wanted you to know we’ll welcome you back whenever you’re ready.”
Her father beamed from ear to ear. His face was quite literally glowing. He almost looked healthy.
All because of Cash. It hadn’t escape
d Alyssa’s notice that Cash had taken ownership of the store, made it sound as if he was a part of it.
And he was, she realized with a start. He’d weaved himself into the day-to-day doings of the shop, become an invaluable part of what made Emerson’s thrive. Watching him move heavy feed sacks like they weighed nothing, his biceps bulging with the effort. Seeing him fronting product with Maus on his shoulder purring contentedly. Cash standing behind the register helping a little old lady feel like she was the most important person in the world.
When he left, he’d be leaving a gaping hole.
And as for Alyssa, well, she’d miss him, too. Probably much more than she should.
His thoughtfulness. His friendship. A crooked grin that did funny things to her insides, and that charming Texas drawl that melted her bones.
Yes, if she was being honest, the real hole would be left in her heart.
Chapter Six
The next few months working at the store had been crazy busy most of the time. Alyssa walked around in a daze, stressed and exhausted.
Cash took on more responsibility than ever, trying to pick up the slack and relieve Alyssa of some of her burden.
He’d even accompanied her to see Edward a few times. The old man was looking better, but he was nowhere near healed.
When Cash reached the store on an overcast Tuesday morning in early November, he was surprised to find that Alyssa was already there, checking the contents of boxes littered all over the floor, rearranging them into multicolored plastic bins and making notes on a yellow legal pad attached to a clipboard.
As if it wasn’t odd enough that the front of the store was strewn with boxes at this early hour, the crates were full to brimming of food—the one thing catchall Emerson’s Hardware didn’t sell. Turkeys, hams, boxes of stuffing mix, bags of potatoes, frozen broccoli, fresh bread.
“Let me guess,” he said, picking up a box of brownie mix. “You are going to be cooking the biggest Thanksgiving feast ever in the history of mankind.”
She grinned. “Something like that.”
He raised a brow.
“Can I use your truck?”