by Octavia Kore
She glanced over her shoulder once more before stepping out into the hall and caught the thankful smile on Esme’s face. It wasn’t easy for Ky to relinquish control, to allow Esme to decide whether she failed or succeeded, but if they were ever to be a truly mated triad, it was necessary. As the door closed behind her, Ky sent up a silent prayer to Una asking her to give her female strength and courage.
Allow her the room to grow and find her own strength, a voice whispered.
Una knew she was trying her best.
Chapter 14
Esme
The moment the door to their room closed behind Ky, Esme’s knees went weak, threatening to buckle beneath her weight. She listened to the footsteps in the hall fade away before moving across the room on her unsteady legs toward the crib. Eina was sound asleep, her dark lashes resting against her cheeks as she breathed in and out.
You can do this. If not for yourself, then do it for Eina.
Xuvri’s back was to them, and Esme turned toward him, taking a fortifying breath as she looked the male over. He was angry at Trakseer, maybe even at the situation he found himself in, and she understood that. Sometimes fear made you do and say things you didn’t mean. It was something she was well acquainted with, especially where aliens were concerned, but being alone in the room with an angry Grutex brought back memories that turned her stomach. She didn’t want to relive them, but she needed him to understand, and maybe a part of her needed to get everything out, to lay it on the table and finally be done with it.
It’s not his fault, the voice of reason within her mind said.
She knew that. It wasn’t Xuvri’s fault that she’d been abused, destroyed, and discarded by his people, but it was harder than she’d thought to set that aside. There were times she forgot that he didn’t know what she’d gone through, that he didn’t know what might trigger the flash backs and the panic attacks. The instability of her moods made Esme feel like she was walking around with a big flashing sign that read “DAMAGED GOODS” and a lengthy explanation of all the reasons no one would ever love her again.
It seemed impossible to think anyone could ever love her again, ever want her after what she’d been through, but it hadn’t scared Ky away. Glancing down at Eina, Esme drew strength and comfort from her presence. Xuvri had shared his story with them, and now it was her turn.
Just get it over with. Lay it all out on the table and see what happens.
“Xuvri?” Esme said, hating the way her voice caught in her throat. The plates on his back shifted as he tensed.
He turned toward her slowly, his gaze somewhat unfocused, as if he wasn’t completely there with her. Without a pupil, it was sometimes hard to tell where he and Ky were looking, but with the Grutex there was the added challenge of reading facial expressions.
Their features were always hard and threatening, but there were subtle changes, details you might miss if you didn’t pay close attention. It was hard to believe the Grutex knew how to be anything other than angry and violent, but she’d seen that softer side herself.
Esme felt his gaze lock onto her and an involuntary shiver raced down her back as she squirmed beneath the intensity of it. Without warning, his face began to morph in her mind, erasing all of the small differences in their appearance until it wasn’t Xuvri standing there, but the scientist who haunted her dreams.
No. You don’t get to have a say here! she thought, shutting her eyes and taking a few calming breaths. You can’t hurt me anymore. I’m safe. I have Ky, I have Eina… I have Xuvri.
An angry cry broke the silence, startling Esme. Her eyes flew open and she spun around, reaching down into the crib to pat the baby’s side in an attempt to soothe her. She’d begun to notice that her emotions had an effect on Eina. When Esme was happy and relaxed, so was the baby, but when her fear and anxiety took over, Eina was more likely to fuss. Maybe it was simply something all babies did, or maybe it was the sign of a much deeper connection.
“Why is she crying?” Xuvri asked, taking a step forward.
“She might be hungry. Eina finished the packet you found, but I’m waiting for my milk to come in.” Still waiting. Esme hated that her body refused to do what she wanted, but Ky reminded her often that it would take time, that her body had been through a lot already and now she was asking more of it.
“Here.” Xuvri reached into one of the pockets lining the side of the black pants he wore and pulled out another nutrition packet. “I searched the remainder of the compartments and found this.”
Esme stared down at the cream-colored packet, fighting back tears of relief. She’d worried about her lack of milk and had nearly convinced herself she would be forced to seek help from the Venium just to keep her daughter fed. This packet meant they had more time.
“Thank you,” Esme managed to say. She swallowed past the lump in her throat as she lifted Eina into her arms, rocking the baby side to side as Esme moved to sit on the bed. “Suit down,” she whispered, adjusting the infant as she slipped the long tube over her head.
With the pants Ky had made covering her lower half, Esme didn’t feel as exposed as the last time she nursed in front of the male. Even without the sling to cover her chest, she felt comfortable with Xuvri there.
By this point Eina seemed to know what the position meant and her little mouth opened wide, impatiently searching until Esme pulled her close. The baby suckled frantically, her eyes wide and her little fists flailing as she gulped down the contents of the packet. Esme glanced up at Xuvri from beneath her lashes, watching him as he stared down at Eina.
She doubted very much that he had any idea what this meant to them… to Esme. A part of her wanted to stay mad at him, wanted to rally that hurt and mistrust and use it against him like a shield the way she had with Nuzal and Brin. It didn’t want to admit that he could be a good person who cared about his daughter and his mates. That part of her wanted to hate him for something beyond his alienness.
But there was another part of her, a softer, more accepting side whose heart beat a little faster when Xuvri was there. It wanted to be close to him, to watch him be a father, to know what it would be like to let him in. Esme was growing dangerously close to caring for him.
“Growing dangerously close to caring” her inner voice teased. You passed that days ago. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be getting ready to tell him about your past.
Maybe she did care, but that terrified her. Days ago, Esme wouldn’t have done this. She wouldn’t have allowed herself to be shut in a room with a Grutex, wouldn’t have been so calm under his gaze, and the fact that she was okay with this now gave her some pause. Was this because of the pheromones Ky told her about? Would those even affect her since she was human? Was it possible that made her feel more at ease around Xuvri and Ky?
“You’re staring at me.”
The sound of Xuvri’s voice startled her, jolting her from her thoughts. She looked up into his face, at his lower set of red eyes. Warmth rushed up her neck and settled into her cheeks as she turned away in embarrassment. “Sorry,” she said. “I got a little caught up in my head.”
How should she even start this? With Ky, she’d just blurted it out, spilling her guts in the bathroom without any prompting. Just get it out. The faster you say it, the faster it’ll be over.
“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Esme began, crossing her legs and adjusting Eina in her arms. The tug on her nipple when she pulled the baby too far away made her wince, and she cursed all those people back on Earth who made breastfeeding seem like it was easy and pain free.
Xuvri moved closer to the bed, the spiked end of his long tail bouncing off of his plating as it thrashed next to his leg. He inclined his head and grunted, folding his arms over his chest. Esme assumed that was Xuvri’s way of saying, “Go ahead, I’m listening.”
“Ky told me about her heat and the sleep she’s going to fall into soon. She also explained what might happen when she wakes up, and I just… I don’t think I’m ready
for that step, and to be honest with you, I’m not sure when or if I’ll ever be ready for it.”
Esme hadn’t believed that she could allow an alien to touch her after her escape, that she would ever want an alien to lay a hand on her after all of that, but the fact that his touch had set her body on fire gave her some hope, however small.
It hadn’t been difficult with Ky. Maybe the fact that she wasn’t Grutex had played a part in that, but she’d been gentle with her from the start. The female never pushed her, never made her feel uncomfortable. When Ky was around, Esme and Eina wanted for nothing, and being cared for, being doted on, felt wonderful after everything she’d been through.
Their time with Xuvri hadn’t been all bad. Esme could admit that much. He’d held her in his lap the first time she tried to feed Eina and whispered words of encouragement when she thought she would fail.
He wasn’t like the scientist, whose name she refused to remember, who seemed to find amusement in her failure. Xuvri was possessive, protective, and he looked at her and Ky with an intensity that liquified her damn insides. Hadn’t she found all of those things attractive before her abduction?
As much as it shocked her, Esme liked Xuvri and Ky. She liked the way they balanced one another. Was she really going to let the Kaia and his scientist take away whatever there could be between her and her mates? Was she going to let them have this when they’d already taken so much? Esme didn’t want to lose her desire to love… to be loved by others.
Don’t give them anything else.
“What is it you aren’t ready for?” Xuvri asked.
Esme frowned at the question. Everything? “I just need you to understand that when I pulled away… that day you touched me, it wasn’t you who I was afraid of.” Drawing in a fortifying breath, she pushed forward. “After I was abducted from Earth, I was brought to the Kaia’s ship—”
“You were on the Kaia’s ship?” Xuvri interrupted, looking at her as if she’d grown a second head. “How did you escape?”
“There were two scientists that helped all of the humans escape. I’m glad they did because I’m not sure how much longer I could have gone on. I don’t think I could have taken much more.” Her hand trembled against Eina. “He chose me, took me from my cell, and kept me chained to him for days, maybe weeks. It was so hard to tell time there. I was his toy, a plaything for him to abuse.”
A growl rumbled up from Xuvri’s chest as he clenched his fists. Esme watched as dark blood dripped from his hands onto the floor at his feet. Her chest was tight, and she could feel the sweat begin to bead on her brow.
You can do this. Ten… nine… eight… Esme brushed her fingers over Eina’s soft hair, using the touch to center herself, to ground her. Deep breath. Seven… six… five… four… The baby’s tail curled around the hand that supported her bottom, squeezing as if she knew Esme needed the reassurance. Three… two… one…
“He’d make me sit on the floor naked and let all of them gawk at me, say disgusting things, but he never… he never touched me, not sexually, at least. Maybe my crying annoyed him, or maybe he didn’t like that I never physically changed from their experiments, but whatever it was, it kept him from using me.” Esme clutched Eina closer, knowing the hardest parts were coming. There were times where she thought that if he’d just discarded her then, if he’d just sent her back to the labs to be tested on, that she might have been fine. That she might not be this way, but Esme didn’t think that was fair to the others who’d been in those cells suffering in their own way. “The Kaia might not have touched me, but that didn’t mean I was safe.”
A wayward tear slipped down Esme’s cheek, and from the end of the bed, a soft, calming vibration reached her. Xuvri was rattling again. It was strange and probably should have terrified her, but somehow it strengthened her.
“At some point, he decided he was going to let one of them do more than look. I was gifted to him while the Kaia watched. I was raped. I was…” Esme shook her head, not willing to go into detail. “I found out after the Kaia sent me back to the lab that I was pregnant.”
Her stomach churned as her abdominal muscles clenched, and she placed a hand on the thick scar he’d left there. When she thought she couldn’t continue, when she thought the pain of the memory was too strong, Esme felt Xuvri’s hand cover her own. She looked up into his face, surprised that he’d managed to get that close without her noticing.
“What happened?” Xuvri asked, his voice soft.
“The scientist, the one I’d been given to, took over my care. I don’t know how far along I was, but I could feel my baby move, could feel when it got hiccups…” It was hard to recall those sweet moments they had together. “He told me my uterus ruptured… that my baby didn’t make it. I never got to see them… never got to say goodbye or to hold them just one time. I woke up in a bed and he was there, the scientist. He told me it was my fault, that my body had failed at the one thing it was supposed to do. They had to take my uterus, Xuvri. I can’t ever have children. I can’t ever get pregnant again.”
Her Grutex mate said nothing, but he turned his face away from her as his rattle intensified. Esme’s chest tightened again, her anxiety rising as she prepared for the rejection, the disgust that would claim his face.
“I’m not even sure I could let you touch me again… that I could be intimate. I know it’s not fair to put that on you. I know you aren’t him, but I can’t separate you in the moment. He raped me, beat me. I was dragged naked through the halls and thrown into the cell like I was worthless. I’m useless to you,” Esme whispered.
The bed shifted as Xuvri stood and turned his back to her. There was a moment of complete silence before all hell broke loose. A shocked gasp was torn from her as Esme watched Xuvri slam his fists into the closet doors over and over. A terrifying roar filled the room, bouncing off of the walls before it turned into a growl. Eina jerked in Esme’s arms, her eyes going wide before she let out a pitiful wail.
She wasn’t sure if it was the baby’s cries or the sound of footsteps racing down the hallway, but Xuvri spun around to stare at them, almost like he’d forgotten they were there.
“Esme!” Ky shouted from the other side of the door.
“I’m fine,” she said, her voice trembling only a little. “It’s okay.”
“Esme…”
There was uncertainty in Ky’s voice, and she knew their female wanted to rush in. Ky was a protector, a big scary mama bear who wasn’t afraid to go up against anyone, but Esme could handle this. “We’re fine. I promise,” she said, resting Eina against her chest as she patted the infant’s back in an attempt to soothe her. “It’s all right, baby,” Esme cooed, eyeing the male as he stepped toward them.
“Don’t ever say that again.”
A bolt of fear rushed down her spine, and every tiny hair on Esme’s body stood on end in the face of Xuvri’s anger. “Don’t say what?”
“You are not worthless. You are not useless. Do you understand?”
Esme’s lip trembled, and she shook her head. “You don’t get it––”
“My son took his final breath in my arms, Esme. I watched each one of my offspring die before they ever had the chance to live and not once did I ever think to blame Laurie.” Xuvri crouched down next to the bed, his hand sliding over her stomach to cover the scar. “You did not fail. The loss of our offspring was not Laurie’s fault, and the loss of your offspring was never your fault.”
Esme felt Xuvri’s hand tremble against her belly as he reached up to brush a few strands of hair from her face. The tips of his claws skimmed over her cheek, and Esme released a tremulous breath, their eyes meeting as his hand fell away. How could she have forgotten that Xuvri had suffered in the same way? Esme’s heart ached for him, for the pain he and Laurie must have gone through during those times.
In her arms, Eina began to squirm restlessly, her tiny nails scaping Esme’s skin as she sought the food once more. With a shift of her arm, Esme moved the infant back into p
osition. She could feel the weight of Xuvri’s gaze on them as Eina began to nurse again. The infant’s happy grunting noises filled the room, disturbing the silence that hung between them.
“There were many times I blamed myself for their deaths,” Xuvri said, his eyes on their baby. “I thought that there must have been something I could have done, something I should have done, that would have kept our offspring safe. After Laurie’s death, I lost hope, and for so long I lost myself.” Sorrow, anger, and fear radiated from the male at her side, brushing against her mind as if he weren’t quite sure he wanted to share his emotions with her. “When I look at Eina, I see Laurie, I see my son… I see all of the young I never got to hold in my arms and who I will never know.”
Another tear tracked down Esme’s cheek and she slid her hand over his where it still rested on her stomach. God knew she was familiar with that intense longing to feel them in your arms, to hear their first cry, to look down into their face as they blinked up at you. Esme dreamed of that moment so many times.
“Eina is here,” Xuvri spoke quietly, as if he hadn’t meant to say the words out loud. “I didn’t even know she existed, and now I’m afraid that if I allow myself to care too much that I’ll lose her as well.”
It hadn’t occurred to Esme before now that there had been no time for Xuvri to prepare for the little one who suckled happily at her breast. He’d thought Laurie was gone and that his chance at becoming a father had died with her, only to have Eina, their tiny warrior, thrust into his life in one of the strangest and most heartbreaking births Esme had ever known.
Esme took one look at Xuvri that first day when she and Ky found him and made assumptions based on the horrors of her past. If Esme hadn’t dreamed of Eina, hadn’t formed a bond with the baby before ever meeting her, would she have been so eager to hold her? Would she have agreed to try to nurse an alien baby? It was hard to imagine not falling head over heels in love with this baby, with their baby, but grief did horrible things to a person.