Forgetting to Breathe

by Megan E. Bean

  I grabbed my phone and scrolled through my contacts. I debating on whether to call Keira or not.

  I really wanted to. I almost felt like I needed to. I had grown accustomed to her, and it seemed unfair that as quickly as we had gotten close, we could just as quickly grow apart.

  I scrolled back up to Jenny’s name and opened messages.

  Jenny can we please talk?

  I put my phone down, and continued with my work. I compulsively checked my phone, but nothing.

  I decided eventually it was hopeless waiting, and gave up. I continued on with my school work for about another hour.

  Finally, just passed 8:00 P.M., I wrapped up my homework and got in the shower. I felt defeated.

  When I got back in my room, I was shocked to see Jenny had replied.

  Sure.

  Well, it wasn’t the best response ever, but I was happy to even get a reply from her.

  Want to meet at the clubhouse in 30 mins?

  I finished drying my hair and got dressed. It had been five minutes since I texted her last. Did she change her mind?

  As if she read my mind, I heard my phone buzz.

  Yeah. See you soon.

  * * * *

  I arrived early.

  I crawled through the small doorway we had made and sat in the corner next to our window. It was a small, shabby little thing, but what can you expect when two ten-year-old girls built it?

  It had a tin roof, mismatched plywood walls, and an old carpet. We had found all of the building materials in an old abandoned house in our neighborhood.

  I was surprised that no one other than us had ever used it. It was pretty well hidden, I guess.

  I sat with my knees to my chest, hoping that she wouldn’t stand me up. I didn’t think she would, but I also never thought there would be such a distance between us, either.

  I heard a rustling near the clubhouse, and for a second, I was scared. It was dark and creepy outside.

  I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw Jennifer crawling through the door. She heard the breath I let out.

  “What, did I scare you or something?” She let out a small laugh and I smiled.

  “No,” I lied.

  “Uh-huh,” she sat down in front of me, legs crossed. She knew me better than that.

  “Jenny, what’s going on?” I asked her, softly, breaking the uncomfortable silence. She looked at me for a second and looked back to the ground, not saying anything. “Okay, I think I might know what it is,” I continued.

  “Yeah?” She looked back up at me.

  “My mom said it might be because you feel our relationship is threatened by what’s going on with me and Keira.” She looked at me intently, and I kept talking. “Is that it?”

  She finally nodded. “Yeah.” She sounded timid.

  “Jenny, you have nothing to worry about. You are my best friend, and you always will be.” I grabbed her hand in mine. “I will never love anybody as much as I love you.”

  She smiled at me and squeezed my hand. “Thank you, Ash. I’m sorry I’ve been so irrational.”

  I shook my head. “No, there’s nothing to apologize for. Let’s just put it in the past, okay?”

  “Yes. Thank you,” she replied and her face lit up before she continued. “Do you remember this?” She lifted one corner of the carpet in the corner and pulled out an old composition notebook.

  “Our journal!” I had forgotten all about it. It was tattered and had colorful scribbles all over it.

  “My God, how old were we when we started this?”

  “God, like eleven? Maybe even younger.” I scooted over to sit next to her and she thumbed through the pages. I pulled out my phone to use as a flashlight.

  “Our hand writing was atrocious.” She laughed.

  “Wow, look at that.” I pointed out and started to read an entry she wrote. “Greg kissed Brittany, I heard. Yesterday I broke up with him. He is so stupid. I gave him his stupid ring back and divorced him. He doesn’t want to divorce but I told him too bad.”

  We both laughed.

  “I really took that divorce hard,” she stated, smiling, and it made me feel so good. I missed my best friend’s smile.

  We continued making fun of our younger selves for some time, before something caught my eye.

  “Hey, check that out.” I pointed to the wall. Carved in it, read AE + JS BFF 4EVER

  “I forgot about that.” Her eyes lit up. It was the first thing we did when we built the clubhouse. We stole a steak knife from her kitchen just to carve it. “Best friends forever.” She giggled.

  We spent the rest of the night there, reading through our journal, joking around, and just enjoying each other’s company. I know it had only been a few days we had not talked, but it felt like a lifetime to me. I was glad to have her back.

  Chapter 8

  I was mostly happy. I had my best friend back. That alone was great to me. But there were two things that I was not happy about. I had still not heard from Keira and today was Saturday, which meant I had to go set up for the homecoming dance.

  Last night, I didn’t get home until 4:00 A.M., so waking up early was a drag, to say the least. I mumbled a hello to my mother as I shoved a bagel into my mouth.

  “I’m assuming last night went well, judging by the time you came home?” she asked, as she smeared cream cheese onto her own bagel.

  “Yeah, things are great with Jenny and I again. You were right—she was worried we would grow apart because of Keira,” I answered, downing a drink of my orange juice.

  “Mothers know best,” she bragged and I jokingly rolled my eyes at her. “So, how are things with you and Keira now?”

  “I don’t know,” I sighed. “I still haven’t heard from her.”

  “Well, maybe you should just reach out to her,” she simply responded.

  “I don’t want to seem too pushy.”

  “Listen here, kiddo,” she started, and I smiled as she put the elbows onto the table in front of me. “I was not interested in your dad one bit when we first met. But he was so persistent. Sending flowers, calling my house, waiting by my locker at school.” It was her turn to roll her eyes now, but with a fond smile on her face. “He was very persistent. And if you should learn anything from that, it’s that girls love being pursued. Plus, Keira likes you already, so you already have a one-up on your father.”

  She was right. I mean, I had to assume she was right. Mothers know best, right?

  After my poor excuse for a breakfast, I texted Keira.

  Hey, Keira. I was wondering if you wanted to hangout today?

  Before I could even put my phone back into my pocket, she responded.

  Sorry, I have golf today.

  My stomach dropped and I immediately started overthinking. Was she lying? Why was her reply so short? At least she replied, right? But she was so nice, she would reply even if she hated me. Should I respond?

  I decided not to reply, in fear of being seen as desperate, and also because I didn’t know how to convey my disappointment.

  I grabbed my keys and made my way to my car. It was time to get this homecoming crap over with.

  * * * *

  The gymnasium was hectic. I didn’t expect so many people to show up. I was overwhelmed, until I saw Jennifer’s smiling face. I instantly felt my stress go away.

  “Oh my God, I am so glad you showed up!” I greeted her with a big hug. She had glitter all over herself already.

  “Yup, and you’re late,” she jokingly scolded.

  “Yeah, yeah. And how are you so awake?” I questioned her perkiness.

  “Well, I never slept last night. So, I’m running on fumes.” She laughed.

  We headed over to the table that had the assignment sheet on it. It looked like we were now on balloon duty. We went over to the storage closet and grabbed the ladder.

  “Okay, no huffing helium, J,” I warned. She raised her eyebrow. “No, that was not a challenge.”

  “You know me too well,” s
he pouted, and started filling up the balloons and handing them to me. I was very careful not to lose my balance. Heights scared me. Even if it was only a four-foot ladder.

  “Is your ladder wobbling?” She acted afraid.

  “Shut up, Jennifer,” I tried sounding stern, but my voice gave me away.

  “I don’t know, I think it’s a little lopsided.” She grabbed onto the metal ladder and I threw her a death glare. “Okay, okay.” She released it, knowing I meant business.

  “So anyways, thank you for last night,” she said out of nowhere.

  “What do you mean, thank me’?” Her thanking me was absurd. I should be thanking her.

  “I just…” she trailed off, trying to find the words. I waited patiently and hung another balloon from the wall. “I don’t know. I feel childish for getting so upset. Thank you for reaching out to me,” she finally found her words.

  “Jenny, we have been best friends for, like, a decade now. You don’t need to thank me for anything. And you absolutely do not have to feel childish. I’m sorry for not thinking about your feelings,” I genuinely apologized and we shared a smile.

  “BFFs forever,” she said.

  “BFFs forever,” I repeated and we both chuckled.

  “So, have you heard from golf girl?”

  “Yeah,” I said, sounding sadder than I intended to.

  “What? What happened?” she asked me, softly.

  “It’s nothing. I just asked her to hang out later today, and she told me she was busy. Which is understandable. I know she’s busy. But her text was really blunt,” I said.

  “Well nothing happened between you two, right? There’s no reason for her to be short with you, other than being busy,” she tried to reassure me.

  “Yeah. I guess you’re—”

  “Hey, bitches, I’m here to help,” I heard a loud announcement. The voice sounded familiar, and I froze up when I realized who it was coming from.

  Sadie.

  “What the fuck is she doing here?” Jenny muttered under her breath. I shook my head. Great, just what I needed. I was already feeling down. I’m sure she would make it even worse.

  She made her way over to me, a fake smile splayed on her face. “Hi, Ashley. Jennifer.” She glanced at my best friend before returned her gaze to me. “How can I help?”

  “You want to help?” I asked, sounding a bit ruder than I intended. Going by her reputation, she just didn’t care about…well, anything.

  “Yes, I want to help,” she snipped before clearing her throat and changing her tone. “It’s come to my attention that I am cold and uncaring, thanks to your new girlfriend,” she said to me. Before I could interject, she continued. “Sorry, Jenny. Too soon?” she asked and we both knew she didn’t care to hear the answer.

  When she found her tactics weren’t working, she gave up.

  “Look, I just want to help to get my mind off of things, okay?” She finally caved in and admitted the truth.

  I hesitated before answering her. I wasn’t sure if this was some trap. Or maybe we were living in an alternate universe. But I was a push over, so I gave her a chance.

  “Okay, fine, Sadie,” I gave in. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Jennifer staring at me, protesting, I’m sure.

  “Great!” She seemed cheerful now. “Where do I begin?”

  * * * *

  Working with Sadie was a little uncomfortable at first. Mainly because I was on edge the whole time, not trusting Sadie. I was tiptoeing most of the day, but I finally let my guard down a little. Even Jennifer wasn’t completely put off by her presence.

  They were putting the drop cloth up for the pictures, and I could swear I saw them laughing. For a second, I imagined they were hatching a diabolical plan to get back at me. But I quickly realized how irrational I was, and pushed that thought out of my head.

  The truth was, Sadie wasn’t a bad person. Yeah, she wasn’t overly friendly, that was a fact. But why did she have to be? I was overly friendly and it was exhausting. It felt like a curse sometimes. And she has never been mean to me, per se. Even when she confronted me.

  She was simply worried for her relationship. Then she was hurt that her relationship had ended. Those were normal things.

  “Hey, we were thinking,” Jenny said as her and Sadie came up to me. “If Hayleigh wins homecoming queen, can we dump pig’s blood on her like in Carrie?” They were both giggling.

  Hayleigh was the school’s queen bee. And she was a major bitch. I could humanize Sadie, easily. But there was no hope for finding one speck of humanity in Hayleigh. Last year, she had sex with her best friend’s boyfriend and then got mad that said best friend got mad at her. It was a huge ordeal.

  I hid my smile and replied, “No.”

  “How about just red paint?” Sadie asked. It was nice seeing her smile, oddly enough.

  “No,” I replied again, but laughed with them this time.

  “Okay, okay, fine,” Jennifer said and they walked away, back to their task.

  “Party pooper,” I heard Sadie whisper to my best friend and they both giggled.

  Chapter 9

  After spending hours in the school gym, setting up for a homecoming that none of us were even planning on going to originally, I was exhausted. I passed out as soon as I got home and didn’t wake up until 1:15 P.M. the next day.

  I was pleasantly surprised by Sadie’s behavior. Though it did make me feel a bit guilty for the scheme I had hatched. Especially since the scheme seemed to have been pointless.

  I crawled out of bed and made my way into the living room, plopping down on the couch. My brother was on the recliner, watching football.

  “She’s alive,” my father said as he walked through the living room to the front door.

  “Yup,” I mumbled. I noticed he was in his suit. “You’re working today?” I asked, disappointed. I rarely saw him anymore.

  “Just a meeting, honey. I’ll be home later this evening.” He shot me a smile, and headed out.

  All he ever did was work. I don’t know how my mother dealt with it. I wasn’t married to Keira and I still saw her most days, but I missed her so much, it hurt.

  “What are you doing today, sis? Seeing that hottie?” my brother asked, still looking at the TV. He was sweet sometimes. Mainly when his friends weren’t around.

  “No, I think I blew it with her. Not sure what I did,” I spilled.

  “Sucks that you blew it. She was hot,” he replied, and that was the last thing we said to each other. He was engrossed in the football game.

  After I had my fill of sports, I went back into my room. There was a notification on my phone, which I immediately noticed. When I saw the text from Keira, I forgot to breathe for a second.

  Hey Engles. Wanna come to my tournament today?

  I checked the time stamp—7:36 A.M. Damn it! Of course, the one day I sleep in. I needed to text back to make sure she knows I wasn’t just ignoring her.

  Mitchell! I’m sorry, I slept in late. I would have loved to go.

  I re-read the text over and over again, analyzing whether or not it sounded desperate or pathetic. I decided it sounded okay.

  Now, to sit and wait. I needed to distract myself, but couldn’t concentrate. Luckily for me, I didn’t have to wait long.

  It’s okay, sleepyhead. What are you doing now?

  My heart skipped a beat as I imagined her calling me sleepyhead in person. I would die.

  Nothing. What are you doing? My reply was embarrassingly fast.

  Coming over to hang out with you?

  There went my heart again. I agreed and sent her my address. I immediately ran to my closet, freaking out about what I was going to wear.

  A dress? That would be too much. Jeans and a T-shirt? Way too casual. I settled on shorts and a T-shirt. I’ve always gotten compliments on my legs, hopefully she would notice, too.

  * * * *

  I heard our doorbell ring and I sprang to my feet. I took a deep breath before opening the door. My
face fell. It was just two of my brother’s friends.

  “Ash, what’s up?” Todd greeted me, cheerfully. He was really nice, but I don’t think I was hiding my disappointment very well. Luckily, he didn’t notice.

  I let the boys in and started shutting the door, before hearing a voice.

  “Hey, hold up, Engles,” Keira’s voice was like music to my ears. She placed her hand on the door, squeezing her way through the entryway.

  “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry,” I apologized and for some reason, I felt my face start to flush.

  Actually, I knew the reason. She looked so damn good. She was in shorts, as well, and a plain black tank top. Her hair was down and flowing. She looked like a goddess. I had to tell myself to remember to breathe.

  “It’s okay, Engles.” She chuckled. I had never loved my last name more than when she called me by it. I had grown very fond of the habit.

  I led her into the living room, and looking around at the three messy boys, I had doubts about letting her come over.

  “Mitchell!” Todd yelled, and she lit up. She made her way over to him and did some weird secret handshake with him.

  “What’s up, Todd?” she greeted him, and I was secretly relieved that she called him by his first name. Last name basis was our thing.

  “Catching the game. Sit down!” He invited her to sit next to him, and jealously filled my body. She silently declined, though, and sat next to me on the love seat. They carried on for a moment before he got back into the game.

  “How do you two know each other?” I casually asked, but jealousy was nagging at me.

  “Oh, he’s my cousin,” she simply replied and I breathed a sigh of relief. I hope she hadn’t noticed.

  “Why?” She smiled, knowingly, and I knew I was busted.

  “Just wondering,” I answered, avoiding her stare.

  “Are you jealous?” she slyly asked, gently poking me in the side.

  “What? No,” I denied. I knew I was blushing.

  “Oh, don’t worry. He’s not my type,” she continued looking at me. Her gaze was magnetic. As soon as I met her eyes, I couldn’t help but smile.