by Beth Reekles
Some guy was at the beach house painting the doors. I gave him a polite smile and scooted past to find Amanda in the kitchen, packing some stuff into a box. The place was quiet, which felt unusual—especially after the chaos of yesterday.
“Let me guess,” she said, squinting thoughtfully at me, head cocked to one side. “You’re looking for…Lee?”
“Anyone, really.”
“Master Flynn the younger has thrown a tantrum and left to cool off,” she told me with a helpless shrug. “June sent someone to paint—”
“I kind of noticed. She did mention something about it.”
“—and Lee flipped out when the guy went to paint over some door frame with all your heights marked into it. Which was very cute, to be fair, so I can see why he got so mad. Rachel went with him, but she’s going to see her parents this afternoon. And, uh, Lee said…Hold on, I jotted it down.”
She set aside the brown packing paper she was holding to rummage around the worktops, eventually coming up with a pink Post-it note.
“He said to remind you about the arcade later. Your phone was off.”
“It died midshift.” Which reminded me—I started searching the lounge for a charger. With five of us here, you’d think it’d be easy to lay your hands on an iPhone charger pretty much anywhere, but they always seemed to disappear on us.
I didn’t need the reminder, though. I’d remembered that we’d made plans to go to the arcade today. How could I forget? Our beloved childhood DDM machine was being retired tomorrow, and today was our final chance.
“What’re you doing anyway?” I asked her.
“Oh! There’s a ton of plates here. There must be fifty-odd. I was a little too scared to count, to be honest. June said yesterday about needing to empty the place out soon, and I figured we wouldn’t need so many after the big party yesterday. Thought I’d be helpful. Earn my keep, you know!”
I wondered what Lee would say about half the kitchen being emptied out but decided not to stop her. Amanda had a point, and turning down her help when we were finding it so hard to let go of this place felt silly.
Better her than us, I thought.
“And, um…” I put the couch cushion back in place, giving up my hunt for a charger for a moment to look at her. I fiddled with the hem of my shirt. “Did Noah…”
She shook her head.
“Oh. Right.”
“He probably stayed at home last night,” she said. “He’s just…There’s a lot on his mind right now, Elle, that’s all.”
I felt that old, familiar flare of jealousy over how close Amanda was with Noah, but this time with an intensity I hadn’t felt since Thanksgiving. A lot on his mind? If he had a lot on his mind, why didn’t I know about any of it? Did she just mean Levi? And why did she know but not me?
I swallowed the feeling back down far more easily this time.
Plus it helped a lot when she said, “He’s not answering my calls or messages either. I’m kind of worried about him.”
“He’s done this before,” I pointed out. “Usually when he’s mad or thinks he’s messed up or something.”
“The Flynn brothers and their need to cool off,” she joked with a roll of her eyes. “He’ll probably be back later, though. I know you said he took off pretty quick yesterday, but he really does want to talk to you. I don’t know about what, exactly, so you can get that look off your face right now, missy. He’s been tight-lipped with me.” Amanda mimed zipping her lips.
Whether or not he was still “cooling off” or just wanted some space or whatever it was, I felt my gut twist with the knowledge that something was going on. I needed to talk to him. I left Amanda to pack up the kitchen, fetching my keys off the table I’d dropped them on.
“I think I know where he is.”
* * *
• • •
I breathed a small sigh of relief when I found Noah’s motorcycle in the parking lot—but it wasn’t a sensation that lasted for long.
I got out of the car and climbed up the hill, following the path Noah had shown me to the spot I knew he liked. Where he’d brought me last summer. Where we’d really talked about things and kissed beneath a fireworks show.
Where he’d come to mull things over and pull his head out of his ass after race day.
Where he’d come now.
The feeling in my gut twisted a little more. It made my palms prickle and sweat, made my lungs feel tight.
I spotted Noah at the top of the hill. His leather jacket was cast behind him, along with his keys and his phone. He’d changed his clothes since yesterday; he must have gone back home to his parents’ house, like Amanda said. He sat hugging his knees, chin propped on them as he stared out at the view of the city.
He looked so small like that, so vulnerable, and so very not like Noah.
His head twitched at the sound of my arrival.
“Hi,” I said quietly.
There was a beat before he replied, “Hey.”
He unfurled his legs, stretching them out in front of him, his hands planted on either side of his hips. I sat down, mimicking his position, but turned my face toward his.
He needed a shave.
Or, well, maybe he didn’t. The stubble was a good look on him. It made him look more mature, accentuated the squareness of his jaw. I resisted the urge to reach out and run my fingers over it.
Maybe I should’ve let Noah talk first, but with the silence stretching on between us, I couldn’t stand it any longer. And besides, I had something to say, too.
“I wanted to say, you were right about Levi. All of you. You all tried to say something, and I didn’t want to hear it. Not that that makes up for how you acted on race day or for going behind my back to talk to him about it, but…”
“Yeah,” Noah sighed. “I probably could’ve handled things a little differently.”
I shrugged. Maybe we both could’ve.
“What changed your mind?” he asked.
“He told me he liked me. And, um…he sort of, kind of…kissed me. A little. Like, a peck. Sort of…sort of more like a goodbye than anything else,” I tried to explain, only realizing once I said it aloud that that had been exactly what it had felt like.
If I expected Noah to get angry about it, I was surprised. He just nodded.
I studied him for a few seconds. There was no tension in any of his muscles. No tautness in his expression, nothing but an odd sense of calm about him that I really, really was not used to—especially after telling him that a guy who was not him had kissed me.
His calm demeanor only unnerved me. The feeling in my stomach worsened; my heart thudded hard in my chest.
“You’re not gonna say anything? Not even ‘I told you so’?”
Noah let out a soft, quiet sigh, still not looking at me. “Yesterday it would’ve been so easy to send that scrawny little shit sprawling on his ass. It’s what I would’ve done before. But I didn’t. Because I’m trying real hard not to be that guy anymore. Because even if he did deserve it, even a little, even if he did start it, he’s your friend. But, thing is, Elle, you’re a big part of why I’m trying not to be that guy anymore.”
“Okay,” I said gently, not sure where this was going—or why that sounded like it wasn’t such a great thing.
“And I’m just not sure that’s—” He broke off with another sigh, twisting now to look at me, a frown tugging between his eyebrows. “I shouldn’t have to rely on you for me to be the guy I want to be for you.”
It took a second to try to puzzle that one out in my head.
Noah went on. “I should just want to be that guy. Not because I think you deserve better. Not because he’s your friend or I don’t want to disappoint you or whatever. I should want that for me. And I…I do, but…you shouldn’t be the reason why.”
I kept staring a
t Noah. This time he gave me a few more seconds to take that in.
“Okay,” I repeated, still unsure. “So…what does that mean?”
He held my gaze for a second, and there was something so sad in his lovely bright blue eyes that it hurt to look at them. Then Noah turned his head back out toward the view, his hand absently pulling at blades of grass.
“You always wanted to go to Berkeley. You and Lee. Always. As soon as you guys were old enough to know what college was, that was where you’d say you’d both be going one day. You had your heart set on it.”
Noah paused for a second, and I watched him bite his lip, frowning deeper before speaking again.
“So why did you pick Harvard, Elle?”
Thrown by the question, it was all I could do to give him a straight answer. “We talked about this, remember? I guess I applied on a whim. You said something about how nice it would be to be in Boston together and—”
“You’re going to spend four years at a school you applied to on a whim. A school you only applied to because of me. I don’t want…I can’t be responsible for you making a choice you might regret. Things already didn’t work out between us once, and this summer…I know it’s been hard. Not bad,” he added hastily, looking back at me. “It’s been great, obviously, but you said yourself, sometimes it’s hard to love me. What if things don’t work out, Elle? Just say. And then you’ve moved to the other side of the country, given up on your dream of Berkeley, and for what?”
Now it was my turn to look away and be quiet for a minute.
“We sat here when you decided to accept your offer from Harvard. Do you remember? And you said you couldn’t give it up. It was Harvard. You don’t think that’s the same for me?”
“Then I want you to be sure you’re choosing it because it’s Harvard, not because of me. You only applied because of me. Besides, I’ve seen how much this has driven a wedge between you and Lee, how hard you guys have been trying this summer to keep it together. You’re always going to put each other first, and I don’t blame you for that. I think it’s kind of amazing, actually. I don’t want to see you jeopardize that for…”
“For us?”
Noah slouched back. “Yeah.”
There was a strange taste on my tongue and my throat was thick. I frowned out at the view, trying to breathe deep enough to fill my lungs. “So you think I should’ve turned down Harvard to go to college with Lee?”
Noah sighed, so quietly I almost didn’t hear it. “You remember a couple of weeks ago, I said that sometimes you put everyone else first? You applied to Berkeley because of Lee, because our moms went there, because it’s close enough that you can help your dad with taking care of Brad. All summer you’ve been so focused on spending time with me, or Lee, or Brad, or working so you’ve got money for bucket-list stuff with Lee, and I feel like you pick everybody else over yourself sometimes, Elle, and you shouldn’t have to do that. And I guess…”
He trailed off, pulling up some grass in his fist, before finishing. “I guess I don’t want to be someone else you put ahead of yourself.”
And suddenly I heard everything he wasn’t saying.
“So that’s it? The fact that we love each other, that doesn’t matter? That doesn’t mean anything?”
“That’s not what I mean, Elle. That means everything. But maybe…maybe it just isn’t enough.”
Forget the apprehension that had been twisting my stomach into knots: Noah’s words were like a knife, driving right through me. I felt cold all over.
“No, you…you don’t get to just decide for me. I made my choice, and I’m going to Harvard. I’ve already turned down Berkeley and accepted my offer there instead. You don’t get to turn around now and tell me I’m not going. It’s not up to you.”
“You’re right. But if you are going to Harvard, it’s not going to be with me.”
A quiet, broken gasp left my lips, a stilted rush of air.
He was breaking up with me.
“How long have you been thinking about this?”
Noah shook his head, his eyes pressing shut. “Please don’t, Elle. It’s not like I’ve been planning to do this all summer, drawing up lists of pros and cons or anything. But I can feel how distant things have gotten with us sometimes, even when you’re right there next to me. And it’s nothing to do with Levi or Amanda or Lee or anybody else. It’s just…”
“Hard to love me sometimes?”
He gave a quiet chuckle, slumping back on his elbows now, lying almost flat, to peer up at me with that smirk I loved so much. “You’re impossible not to love, Elle. But like I said, maybe that’s not enough.”
“So…that’s it,” I whispered.
“I…I guess so.”
For a couple more moments, the two of us stayed there, the city sprawling out below us. Beyond the distant noise of traffic, the muffled sound of voices of other people around, I could hear Noah’s breathing. Deep and slow and even.
Calm. So calm.
Meanwhile, I was holding my breath like it was the only thing keeping me together, and the second I let it go, I’d fall apart at the seams. My hands were trembling, and I balled them into fists. I felt like I should look away from him, that it might be easier to digest if I wasn’t looking at him.
But it felt like…this was the last time I would get to see him, really see him, as my boyfriend. With the sunlight on his dark hair and shining in his blue eyes, clear and bright as the sky, that square jaw and crooked nose, those lips I’d kissed countless times.
We were breaking up. Boston, Harvard, Berkeley—none of it meant anything, not really. Noah and I had been fighting so hard to make things work after the mess of Thanksgiving. We had been working at it so hard.
And that had carried on into this summer, hadn’t it? Even without race day or his almost-fight with Levi yesterday.
I’d asked myself when my relationships with Lee and Noah had become work, this job of spinning plates and balancing things.
It was easy to figure out the Lee part of that: it started when I chose Harvard.
But Noah…
That had always been a spinning plate.
Maybe he was right: maybe loving each other wasn’t enough.
Maybe it was time to let that plate fall.
I reached out and cupped my hand over Noah’s, giving it a last squeeze before standing up. I brushed off my pants, took a breath, and knew then that I didn’t have anything else to say to him.
Because what would I say? Thanks for all the memories? We had a good run, it was great, see you at dinner later? I could fight for him, for us, of course I could. It was obvious that Noah had made up his mind, and nothing I said would change it.
I let out the breath I was holding back in a near-silent sigh and started down the hill.
I got a couple of feet away before I heard him scramble to his feet and call, “Elle!”
I turned just in time to see Noah running toward me, my heart leaping as I met his embrace, and he drew me in, his arms encircling me and my hands cupping his face as we shared one last kiss. His mouth moved desperately over mine, his tongue dragging over my lip, and I pulled myself closer. It was still there—that fire, like when we’d first kissed, like when we’d kissed every time since. One of my hands slipped to the back of his neck, my fingers toying with the ends of his hair, and one of his hands moved to the small of my back to pull me flush against him. There were no fireworks this time—just the quiet of the world seeming to stand still for us, before everything ended for good.
We broke apart suddenly, abruptly, both of us stepping back to put some distance between us.
He held my gaze for a second, on the verge of saying something, but I knew exactly what he meant and I nodded. He gave me a soft, warm smile in return, his dimple only just showing.
One last kiss.
&nb
sp; One last time.
Chapter Thirty-Two
For a little while, I just drove around, replaying the whole conversation with Noah in my head. Tears kept pouring down my cheeks in a steady, quiet stream, in contrast to my loud, ugly sobbing the last time we’d broken up. My mind drifted to imagining what might have been: would things really have been any easier if we were together in Boston? Would we have fought less—or more—being under each other’s feet all the time? Noah had obviously had doubts sometimes throughout this summer—enough, I guessed, that we’d ended up here.
I still couldn’t believe how mature that conversation had been. How shockingly levelheaded Noah had been about everything, how much he’d obviously thought about this, and how right he was. I wasn’t used to that.
I hadn’t seen it coming, not in a million years.
And as for Harvard…I hated to admit that Noah did have a point. I’d only applied because of him, and I’d only accepted because, well, it was Harvard, and who turns that down? My dad was so damn proud. And it had meant being with Noah more.
I’d never really stopped to ask myself if I wanted to go there.
It was only when I started driving back toward the beach house that my mind turned toward Lee. I guessed maybe, if Noah and I weren’t going to be an item anymore, I’d have a little more time to make sure my relationship with Lee didn’t suffer because we lived on different coasts. And since Noah and I had ended on pretty civil terms, things should be a lot easier than the last time, and Lee wouldn’t need to feel stuck in the middle.
Oh my God.
Lee.
The arcade!
I gasped audibly, letting go of the steering wheel to clap both hands to my face in absolute horror for a second before I grabbed the wheel again and jerked it around, hitting my turn signal at the last second to pull a U-turn.
I was the worst. I was the absolute worst.
Even though I was pushing the speed limit, it seemed to take forever to get to the boardwalk. Running down toward the arcade, I felt like I was running through syrup, like I was trying to run in a dream.