“It’s time for your stretching and exercises. Are you ready?”
“No, none of that today. I want a break. It’s my graduation day, after all.”
“Uh, nope! No breaks. We work out every day whether you like it or not.” Chance folds his arms in front of him, ready for this next battle. “I’ve worked you out every single day for the last year. I’m taking a lot of pride on how relaxed your muscles are. I’d like to think I had something to do with that. We’re not going to quit now. Not to mention, I gave in to you about bringing a third wheel on our vacation. So you owe me this! Besides, I know you love the massages.”
“That’s because you have healing hands.” I do love his massages. My muscles just melt under his touch.
“Healing hands…hmm, I like that. I love our sessions. It gives me an excuse to touch you.”
My mouth drops open as I stare at him. Did he just say that? Is he teasing me again? Chance simply shrugs his shoulders and winks.
“You’re impossible,” I reply.
“I’m impossibly stubborn, lassie. Just remember that.”
Giving up, I transfer onto my bed and Chance sets to work.
The summer ends way too quickly. Chance and I spend every day together. If we’re not together, we’re texting about nothing and everything. Chance and I avoid talking about ALS unless something comes up. And, I purposefully avoid thinking about the fact that he’ll be leaving soon.
He takes me to visit Layna regularly. I tell her all of my deepest secrets, including my fears of losing Chance.
That summer, I also land a job at Marygrove College. They hire me full-time, assisting in some classes as a teacher’s assistant and also to be involved with a research project with a well-known professor. He is working on developing the most modern assistive technologies to help people with various disabilities. This job is perfect for me because nothing would be more gratifying than helping to make somebody’s life a little easier. I’m also able to pursue a Master’s Degree in Education Technology. This will probably help me specialize in using technology with the special needs population.
Before leaving for our Cancun trip, Chance and I plan out the details. To my relief, Lauren is able to join us. Chance has prepared well for the flight and bringing my wheelchair. This will be the first time I’ll be flying since my family has never been able to afford a trip like this.
Once seated in the plane, Chance checks to ensure that my seat belt is on tight before buckling his up. Lauren has her seat a few rows behind us. I’m grateful that Chance has been able to pay for Lauren’s trip as well.
As the plane takes off, my excitement, combined with nervousness, builds. I stare out of the window, smiling wide. Chance grabs my hand and squeezes it. When I turn toward him, he throws me a quick wink. Soon, we’re up in the air and into the open sky, making me feel like I’m on top of the world.
Chance leans toward me and asks, “Happy?”
I smile, squeezing his hand.
“You know your dad pulled me aside to talk to me before we left?”
Surprised, I question him with my eyes since I can’t access my communication device. Chance has gotten very good at reading my body language and my expressions. It’s almost like he can read my mind.
“Yeah, he said, and I quote, ‘That’s my baby, Chance. She’s never been too far away from me. You make sure you take good care of her, you hear?’”
I giggle.
Chance laughs with me. “So I said, ‘Sir, I will protect her with my life.’”
I roll my eyes at his dramatic reply. I think my father will always think of me as a baby, even though I am almost twenty-three years old already.
He laughs some more and kisses my cheek. “I’m happy, too,” he whispers.
When we land, the shuttle picks us up. While Chance carries me to a seat in the shuttle, Lauren folds my wheelchair and stores it in the back. It’s already late evening, but my heart flutters with excitement as I smell the tropical breeze. As soon as we reach the resort, the friendly staff pampers our every need. They’re already waiting for us with drinks and carry our luggage to our rooms.
Never been too far from home, let alone out of the country, I’m in awe. The architect and the ethnicity of the place make me want to go exploring, even though I’m exhausted. The Mexican music playing in the background rejuvenates me. I know it’s late, though, so we head straight upstairs to our rooms.
Chance has both of us booked into a two-bedroom suite, while Lauren has her own separate room. Lauren already knows to come into my bedroom in the mornings to help with my bathing and toiletry. Because of the way my life has been through the years, my body is actually trained to use the bathroom on a specific schedule.
Most people would probably not give using the bathroom a second thought. For me, though, this process is very stressful unless I have a plan. Luckily, Lauren knows my schedule very well, so she’ll make sure to be available to help me.
Chance has seen me eat plenty of times, so I’m not too worried about going out to eat with him here. Truth be told, Chance probably understands my body very well. He has attended many of my therapy sessions, not to mention, working with my body every single day during our exercise sessions. Chance knows my limitations and has accepted them. So, before coming on this trip, I promised myself not to worry about anything, but to focus on my restricted time with him. I want this week to be special for both of us. After all, neither of us knows what the future has in store for us. My entire life, I’ve been forced to plan everything—how to get around, who will be picking me up, when to eat. This week, I make a conscious decision to live for the moment.
Chance has purposefully picked a resort that’s more secluded to avoid too much crowd. When we reach our suite, I can’t help but scream in delight. It’s an oceanfront room with a spectacular view of the mass body of water. The décor of the suite is also a Mexican theme with beautiful, bright colors and arched doorways. Besides the two bedrooms, the suite also has a sitting room and a small kitchen. I inhale the refreshing ocean scent and smile when I hear the waves crashing on the shore. Watching my reaction, Chance simply laughs with me.
“I love seeing you this happy, Lily.”
Happy? No, I’m ecstatic!
We decide to order room service since it’s already late, and we’ll have a long day tomorrow. After helping me eat and use the bathroom, Lauren gets me ready for the night. I’m happy to see that the bathroom is accessible to help me with my needs.
“Do you need anything else, Lily?” Lauren asks once she changes me to my tank top and shorts and places me back in my wheelchair. When I smile and shake my head, she squeezes my hand. “Lily, Chance is really special. And, he cares about you…like a lot. Make this week count, okay?” I smile and nod. I can always count on Lauren to tell me what’s on her mind.
Once Lauren goes to her own room, Chance helps me to my bed and works on my muscles. I may whine and complain to him, but I actually love the way it makes me feel when he works on me. They fatigue throughout the day, which makes me even tighter. Sometimes, my calves cramp from lack of movement. Luckily, Chance can get deep into the muscle bellies, and he magically takes all the pain away.
“You know you always complain when I make you do this, but I bet you’ll miss it once I’m gone.” I know Chance is trying to tease me, but suddenly the reality of him leaving next week hits home. I quickly turn my head to the side, not wanting him to see my pain.
Chance lies down next to me. “I shouldn’t have said that. I promised myself that I wouldn’t think about me leaving…at least not when I’m here with you. I just want us to enjoy each other without worrying about anything else. I’m sorry, Lily. I didn’t think.”
I roll toward him and reach my hand to touch his face. Of course, it was an innocent statement, but I’ve purposefully avoided thinking about it.
Chance plays with my hair. “I love your hair, Lily. And even more, I love your eyes. They’re the most unusual shade of gr
een. Do you know that only 2% of the population worldwide has green eyes? You know what that means? You’re even more unique than you realized.”
I can’t help but laugh.
“I’m too tired to walk to my bedroom, Lily. I’m sleeping right here. You okay with that?”
I’ve never had anybody sleep in the same bed as me besides Layna. I definitely never had a guy share my bed. If I’m honest with myself, though, I don’t want him to leave. Without analyzing it further, I scoot closer to him.
Chance pulls me into his arms and holds me in his embrace the entire night.
It doesn’t feel strange. There’s no tension.
Instead, it feels like home.
The week with Chance flies by with a blink of an eye. We spend the majority of our time at the beach. The wheelchairs provided there have very large wheels and can easily be pushed on the sand. Even so, there’s a ramp that goes all the way into the ocean.
I have never seen an ocean before—at least not in person. I lose myself in its mystic. There is no end to it. It just simply disappears into the horizon. I can almost taste the salt in the air as the ocean breeze fans my hair. The rippling of the waves creeping up on my feet just adds to the feeling of pure bliss.
Chance picks me up and carries me into the infinite body of water. “You need to swim in the ocean, my dear Lily, not just those controlled therapy pools.” Although fear of the unknown encloses me, I’ve never felt freer. We both laugh as the waves crash into us. I hang onto him with all my might, and we both lose ourselves in the ecstasy the mysterious ocean brings us.
If we’re not in the ocean, we’re in the pool or in our lounging chairs, drinking mai tais or Piña coladas. Since I rarely drink, a couple of drinks during the day is more than enough for me. I even permit him to feed me and help me with the drinks. I figure life is too short to worry about little things like that. If he’s comfortable with it, why am I making such a big deal about it? It’s my own issue, and I make a conscious decision to put it away for now.
When we decide to share a drink, Chance says, “Wow, that’s almost like kissing.”
Completely taken aback, I almost choke.
“You know, that’s the closest we’ve come to kissing,” Chance continues as if it’s the most natural thing to say.
“What?” I finally respond, shocked at the direction of this conversation.
“Okay, I take it back. Kissing would be a lot more fun.” Chance winks and takes another sip.
I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks. Why does he insist on putting me in these awkward situations? I know he’s getting a kick out of it.
“I love watching your face turn red while you try to hide your eyes from me. I just can’t help but tease you, if for nothing else than to watch your reaction.”
I have no response for him but to stick my tongue out at him like a child, which causes him to burst out laughing.
“I’m glad I’m entertaining you,” I respond with my device, rolling my eyes.
“Oh, you are definitely entertaining, sweet Lily.”
I smile, as pure happiness fills me, dreading when the week will be over.
I have never felt freer than I do this week. This week with him makes me believe that anything is possible, even if the feeling is short lived since neither of us is ready to face reality.
So, all week long, we laugh. And, we laugh some more.
The nights are filled with strong arms holding me, making me feel safe and secure. Every night after doing my stretches, Chance sleeps in my bed with me. There’s no explanation, no awkwardness. It feels so right that he is there, right next to me.
On our last night, after Lauren showers me and helps me get ready for bed, I stay up longer with Chance, not wanting our vacation to end just yet. Before he puts me in bed, I know I have to get some things off of my chest.
“I want to talk for a bit first,” I tell him with my device.
“Okay, what’s up?”
“I know we promised not to ruin our vacation by talking about unpleasant things, but I have to talk to you. I’m scared, Chance.”
Chance takes a deep breath and sits down on the bed.
“I’m scared about that mutated gene for ALS. I’m scared that you won’t ask for help if you need it after you leave. And, I’m scared of what’s going to happen after you leave. You know, with our friendship.”
Chance waits a second before answering. “I’m scared too, Lily,” he finally whispers.
“Thank you for bringing me here. I’ll forever cherish our time here.”
Chance stands up and leans down in front of my wheelchair. “Me, too. You have no idea how much this week has meant to me.” He pauses and then stands back up. “Okay, enough of this serious stuff. Time for your exercises.”
I’m not surprised at all that he’s ready to move to a different topic. That’s what Chance does. He can’t face anything head on. He’d rather pretend everything is great, and if he avoids things hard enough, somehow these things will just disappear.
I sigh, knowing the conversation is done.
After the workout, both Chance and I lie on the bed, neither of us saying a word. Finally, Chance turns to me and pulls me into his arms. Not wanting to ruin this moment, I sink into his embrace, knowing that his scent, his strong arms, the feel of his hard body against mine, and the beating of his heart will forever be etched in my memory.
For the next hour, I force myself to relax my body, hoping to fall asleep. When I finally settle myself down, I hear Chance say, “You still awake?”
I decide not to answer immediately, curious about why he asked me.
“Guess you fell asleep. I can’t sleep, Lily. There’s so much I want to say to you. Maybe it’ll be easier to say it since you can’t hear me.” Chance takes a deep breath. Just as I’m about to let him know that I’m awake, he continues. “Lily, I wish our circumstances were different. I wish I wasn’t leaving or you could come with me or something. You have no idea how much I care about you. A part of me wishes I would just stay. But, I can’t do that, Lily. I just can’t. I have to do this. I have to follow what I had set myself to do from the beginning. Am I scared? Hell, yeah, I’m scared. I wonder if this stupid ALS will just sneak up on me and who knows? I could die before medical school is even over. So my choice of going through with it really makes no sense. I just know that I can’t allow ALS to control me. I refuse to live life by waiting around to see if I’ll get it or not. I have to pursue my dreams. I really hope you understand that, Lily. I hope you don’t resent me for leaving. It’s probably one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to make. You see, every day counts. We must live every day to the fullest.”
Chance sighs deeply and holds me tighter. I continue to pretend I’m sleeping because I know Chance is not good with talking about his feelings.
“I don’t know why I have such strong feelings for you, Lily. I’ve never allowed myself to get this close to anybody. I’ll miss you every minute that I’m away from you. Every second.” Chance slowly caresses my lower lip with his thumb. Ever so tenderly, I feel his soft lips touch mine. It’s a brief kiss, but I feel his every emotion flowing through it. And, with this powerful kiss, I’m helpless, as he steals my heart.
Finding Me
Courage
Chapter Fourteen
Once Chance drops me back home from our trip, he doesn’t stay long. He brings my belongings into the house and gives me a quick kiss on my cheek.
“See you soon, Lily,” he whispers.
I try to make eye contact, but he avoids it. He quickly shakes my dad’s hand, hugs my mom, and darts out the front door without a backward glance, taking a piece of me with him.
His flight is for the next day, but Chance doesn’t stop by to say goodbye. I’m not surprised at all because I know him now like the back of my hand.
I receive a text from him that says, “On the plane” and another that says, “Landed and now at the apartment. Unpacking and preparing for my cla
sses.”
I text back, “Okay, be safe.”
That night, as I lie in my bed, I finally allow myself to cry for the first time. I cry for Chance and his tortured past. I cry for his unknown future. I cry that I won’t be seeing him every day. I cry for the inevitable change that will occur in our relationship with time. And. most of all, I cry from feeling powerless that none of this is in my control. I’ll have to watch helplessly as the future unfolds, no matter how much it kills me inside.
Of course, I don’t share my feelings with anybody, especially Chance. He has made his decision and even if it hurts that he’s gone, I’m proud of him. His courage of pursuing his dreams instead of feeling sorry for himself is truly inspiring. Besides, he’s a brilliant man, and if given the right opportunities, I know he can be a huge asset to the medical community.
True to his word, Chance texts me every day. He fills me in on how the classes are going and that he’s now seeing a physician there who was referred to him. He assures me that he has not been diagnosed with ALS still and that he’s had no strange symptoms.
Lucky for me, my job starts as soon as he leaves. I bury myself in my work, needing to stay busy. The fact that I’m used to the college definitely helps make things a bit easier. I also know a lot of the faculty, so they already recognize what I’m capable of doing and show me mutual respect.
On weekends, I continue to attend my therapy sessions. It’s difficult to get used to not having Chance with me, but I purposefully avoid thinking about it. My body definitely misses his daily massages and stretches. I can already tell that my muscles are becoming tighter. Sometimes, even if I’m doing nothing but lying on my bed, terrible pains radiate up and down my legs. These are the times when I crave somebody to move my legs or to massage the charley horses out of my muscles. I refuse to bother my parents with such things since they both still work hard every day. Ignoring the muscle spasms, I soon get used to the pain.
My Perfect Imperfections Page 9