by Dianne Drake
“He has a crib at home that’s decorated with baby animals. He’s particularly fond of the giraffe. So I made a mobile to hang above his crib...all giraffes. Sometimes at night he’ll wake me up giggling, and I’ll know he’s watching that mobile. It makes me feel...safe, hearing that giggle.”
She turned around to look at him. “He has a beautiful giggle. When I hear it, I can almost forget what else goes along with it. But he’s a normal little boy, Eric. Likes the things all toddlers his age do. And so often, when I look at him, I wonder if he wonders why he’s not allowed to do those things. Or, at some point, will he resent me for not allowing him to do the things I know he’d love to do?”
He walked over to the crib but kept his distance as he didn’t feel like he had the right to encroach. “Kids are resilient. I used to see that every day. One day they’d be so sick it would break your heart, then later, after surgery, they’d be up and about like nothing had ever been wrong in the first place. For me, that was always the best part. Seeing the way they bounced back.”
He drew in a deep breath, resisting the urge to move a couple steps closer then pull her into his arms, but the mixed messages from that would only muddy a dire situation, and Michi didn’t need to deal with any more than she already was. “He’s not going to hate you. Well, except for when he turns into a teenager and those can be pretty trying years. But when he’s mature enough, he will see the sacrifices you’ve made for him, and he’ll come around.”
“Not sacrifices,” she said, wiping away tears streaming down her face. “Not when you love someone the way I do Riku. Then whatever you do to make their life better, or easier...that’s what makes your life better as well.”
Damn, she was a good woman. All the attributes he’d thought she had were there in abundance. And, yes, he had every right to be angry. But being angry at Michi...it just wasn’t in him. It was all one big, conflicting mess. But watching her suffer, and knowing what she’d given up to take care of their son...it brought out feelings in him he’d never expected. Tender feelings. Caring feelings. Feelings of how he so desperately needed to help her he’d put himself through anything just to be close by.
“When is the surgery scheduled?” he asked, retreating to his safety zone because right now his feelings were too close to the surface and Michi didn’t need to deal with them. He was used to doing it on his own. He would manage.
“Dr. Kapoor’s lecturing in Dubai right now. If Riku can be put on a normal schedule, it’ll be in four days. If it’s decided he’s an emergency...” She shrugged. “I suppose I should have had a back-up plan, but I didn’t.”
“Can I take care of that for you?”
“You can’t operate, Eric. If you could, you would have been my first choice.”
“But there’s somebody...my mentor, actually. I’d like to give him a call and see if he’ll come in if we need him.”
“Do you trust him with your son’s life, Eric?”
Eric nodded.
“Then do what you have to do because I trust you to make the right decision. I’m so tired of doing this alone. Mentally exhausted. And I need you, Eric. I need you to make decisions to get Riku through when I’m not capable of doing it any longer. Or even for a moment or two. Yes, any of my family would help. But Riku needs this from his father. And I need what Riku needs.”
It wasn’t Eric who stepped up to Michi but Michi who stepped up to Eric, and allowed herself to be pulled into his arms. And for the next several minutes they stayed that way. Like a family. Until a nurse poked her head in the door. “Just thought you should know, your little boy will be back in just a few minutes. The scan is over and as soon as the doctor finishes making his notes, he’ll accompany Riku back here. Oh, and he’s lightly sedated, so I think he’ll be sleeping a while.”
“I was hoping he’d be awake so you can actually meet him and see just how wonderful he is,” Michi said. Something that should have happened before now, but there was no going back, was there? No way to make amends for the pain she’d caused. So, at the moment, all she could do was move forward and keep hoping for a resolution that would benefit all three of them. “Look, Eric. I don’t know how he’s going to react to you, especially now that he’s not feeling well. Like I said, I’ve sheltered him, so maybe you shouldn’t expect too much this first time. Especially if he’s groggy.”
“Would you rather have me stay away?”
“No. Not at all. I just don’t want you to be...disappointed. Or hurt. When he’s not feeling well he can be moody.”
“I know how to deal with sick children, Michi. I used to be very good at it.”
“But this is different, Eric. He’s your son and he might not respond to you the way you’d want. I just want you to be aware of that.” Because she wanted this first real meeting between father and son to be perfect. It wouldn’t make up for what Eric had been deprived of in the past, but it might give him some encouragement for the future if Riku responded well.
Suddenly it struck her that her investment in this situation wasn’t just for Riku’s sake. It was for Eric’s as well. What he wanted, what he needed mattered so much she was surprised she hadn’t seen that before now. Maybe it was another way to exclude him? Or maybe it was something more, something where she was afraid of where including Eric might take her.
“Does he know he has a father?”
Michi nodded. “I’ve mentioned it. Shown him where you worked. Told him what kind of man you are.”
“If I speak to him in English, will he understand me?”
This time she shook her head. “We speak Japanese at home. That’s what he understands.”
“So basically I’ll be a stranger who doesn’t speak his language, which means there’s no real reason for me to see him except that I want to.”
“I think he’ll know, Eric. Or at least he’ll sense your feelings for him.”
“I hope so,” he said, holding out his hand to her and moving back toward the wall as the nurse wheeled the gurney through the door. She lifted Riku into the crib and began to attach wires, tubes and all manner of other medical equipment no child that age should ever have to know about. “He’s doing well,” she assured Michi and Eric, then exited the room as the doctor on the case entered.
“Well, the good news is, after comparing previous records to the results of the tests we’ve just taken, there’s been no significant change,” reported Dr. Leroy Watson, staff cardiologist. “I’ve sent everything to Dr. Kapoor and she agrees we should do what we can to keep him stable. Considering his condition, that’s still a lot more than the little guy deserves, but I don’t want to risk any setbacks.” He looked at Eric. “Would you like to look at his test results?”
“I would, except I’m the dad in this one, not the doctor. So I probably shouldn’t.”
“Well, anyway... I expect he’ll sleep the rest of the day. Probably most of the night, too. I’ll leave the three of you alone. But if there’s anything you need...”
“Thanks, Leroy,” Eric said. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re going to be his hospitalist.”
Leroy chuckled. “You should be, since you’re the one who requested me.”
Michi looked up at Eric. “Seriously?”
“OK, I can’t be my son’s doctor, and we all know why. But I sure as hell can get the best doctors to look after him.”
“And I blush,” Leroy said, taking a bow then backing out of the room.
“Without telling me, Eric?”
“Let me contribute something, Michi. You just told me to help you make decisions, and that’s what I did. I talked to Leroy, who had an opening, and I jumped on it because he’s in high demand. He’s good. No, he’s damned good and I didn’t want to miss the chance to have him take over Riku’s normal care. I mean, there’s not much else I can do right now except find the best for Riku. So, if you’re angry...”
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She stepped up to him, stood on tiptoe, and kissed his cheek. “Not angry. Grateful. But obviously still on autopilot for overreacting.”
“Overreacting accepted. Overprotective accepted as well. You’re the kind of parent Leroy and I love working with.”
“Not possible,” she said, smiling. “Back in Japan, I made the lives of several of his doctors miserable with my ways. I didn’t mean to, but sometimes I couldn’t help myself.”
He chuckled. “OK, so maybe I’ll take back the ‘love working with’ part and change it to appreciate working with. Or respect working with. Or fear working with. Or run away from totally.”
Michi smiled. “All right. I get your point and I’ll try hard to do better here. But be warned...”
“Duly noted,” he said. “And I’ll have Leroy mark in Riku’s chart that his mother has an overabundance of overbearing and overprotective tendencies. Will that work for you?”
“I think I’m beginning to understand why you were considered so good. Sure, you had your OR skills, but you top them with your nonsense skills.”
“I aim to please, ma’am. I surely do aim to please. And now, on a serious note, will you tell me about him? I want to know everything. His likes, dislikes. Favorite food. What kinds of toys does he play with? His personality. Everything...” Spoken like a man with a desperate need to know.
“Anything you want,” she said, reaching into the crib to take hold of Riku’s hand.
“We certainly did make a beautiful boy,” Eric said, standing back just enough to catch the entire picture of mother and son. “And there are so many things I want to do with him when he’s better.”
“You said when,” she said, choking back the tears that so badly wanted to fall. “You said when, not if. Everybody has said... Even Dr. Kapoor said if. But you said...” She swallowed hard as the tears fell despite her best effort to hold them back. “I know people don’t mean anything by it, but it hurts, Eric. Nobody knows how badly.”
“I think I can guess,” he said, resisting the urge to pull her into his arms. It might have been the decent thing to do, but he wasn’t sure what Michi wanted, or expected of him. And now didn’t seem the time to overstep, even though that’s what he wanted to do. Pull her into his arms, hold her, reassure her. All mixed feelings, to be sure. Feelings he wasn’t yet ready to explore. Not until he had sorted some of his own confusion.
“Michi, I’ve never seen any of my patients in terms of if. It’s always when because that single, simple word gives hope, and not just to the parents and family but to me as well. And because this is my son, I refuse to believe anything but when. I want to figure out what kind of future I’ll have with him when he’s better. I know he’ll have some restrictions, and there’ll be another surgery or two in the future, but he’s going to have that future. That’s what I’m going to think no matter what anybody else says. It’s what I have to think. What we both have to think.”
“I want to make us work. Maybe not as a family but as two adults who love one child...love him more than anything else in life. And I do want to think in terms of when. I try hard to, but then I get scared, or someone says something, or, like now, Riku gets sick, and nothing makes sense. I panic when he sneezes, Eric. Or when he isn’t as responsive as I think he should be.
“I watch every little thing he does and read more into what I’m seeing than I should. I can’t sleep in my own bed because I have to be in the chair next to his bed. And I can’t turn off the lights at night in case he does something, or something happens to him I can’t see. That’s the life I’ve been living ever since he was born. I miss more work than I should. I never go out with friends. I don’t even make it to dinner most of the times my family gets together because I don’t like Riku being around so many people. And masks...”
Eric chuckled. “Seriously? You ask people to wear masks around him?”
“Not my family so much anymore. But when he was first diagnosed I did. I carried spares in my pockets, just in case.”
“And it was your choice to do it all alone?”
“It was the only thing I knew to do. For me, these past few years have been a struggle just getting from day to day. I’ve devoted everything I am to get him through. Not me. Him. Which, of course, I made a mess of, didn’t I?” She pushed herself back from the crib a little, then looked up at him. Saw a look on his face that broke her heart. “I never meant to hurt you,” she said, reaching up to brush his cheek with her hand.
“But you did,” he said, his voice sounding so broken it barely escaped him. “And I haven’t figured out what to do about that yet, Michi, because there’s already been too much pain.”
Her stomach churned. She couldn’t blame him for what he was feeling, and in so many ways she loved him for trying to hold it back. Most people wouldn’t have done that. But, then, Eric wasn’t most people. “Eric, since Riku’s going to sleep for a while, could we get out of the hospital? I’ve spent so much time in them, not just working but with Riku, I’d simply like to get out for a few minutes and take a walk. Maybe Agnes will come sit with him while we’re gone.”
“Do you want me to go ask her?”
Michi shook her head. “No, you stay here with your son. I’ll go talk to her and meet you back here in a few minutes.”
* * *
The night was cool but not cold. Jacket weather, not coat. Michi loved the crispness of it, and the sense that the slight chill brought about new hope. “Thank you,” she said to Eric. “It’s been so long since I’ve simply stepped away from everything, I can’t even remember when the last time was.” She drew in a deep breath of air and let it out slowly. “Maybe three years or more.” She laughed. “In fact, I think you were my last step away.”
“Then I should be flattered.”
“Are you?” she asked.
“More than you could know.”
Standing with Eric at the top of the hospital steps, Michi looked at the street down below, to the congestion of traffic and the masses of people walking almost shoulder to shoulder, trying to get to wherever they were going. No one seemed perturbed. In fact, everyone in her view seemed to take whatever came their way in stride. It would be wonderful to live life that way, she thought. Standing in the middle of so many people going so many different ways, and no one seeming to care about the distractions and misdirecting.
“Do you ever have the urge to simply be part of the crowd? Get yourself lost in it for a while and let it sweep you along to wherever it’s going?”
“Occasionally. More so now than when I was younger. My structure now is... different.”
“But wouldn’t it be nice to be on your own for a bit? No cares, no worries. No responsibilities. Especially no responsibilities, except to yourself.”
“You do have to take care of yourself sometimes. Give in to the pressure and simply...breathe. And I understand that when you have a child, your child always comes first. But there’s room in your life for you as well, Michi. Now that I’m here, I’ll make sure you find it whenever you need to.”
“I wouldn’t really want to be on my own. Not without Riku. But you’re right. Sometimes I don’t really feel like there’s much room for me now in my own life.” She looked up at the sky, and through the maze of New York city lights she could see the black sky and a smattering of twinkling stars. “That’s what people keep telling me, but...”
Eric chuckled. “But you’re stubborn.” He took her by the arm and led her down the hospital walkway to the sidewalk. “You always do it your way.”
Slow steps, deliberate. Allowing her time to take in the things that had eluded her for so long. She was so keenly aware of his presence she tingled from his touch even through her jacket. “Or not stubborn as much as dedicated, as I would prefer to call it.” Across the street, a vendor cart seemed to float in a halo of steam as people lined up to buy whatever was being sold.
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“Usually hot coffee, tea, hot cider or hot cocoa,” Eric said, as if reading her mind. “Which would you prefer?”
Coffee and tea were everyday. Cider wasn’t to her liking. But sipping hot cocoa on a chilly night while walking along the teeming street on the arm of the most handsome man in the crowd...how could she resist that? Moments of fancy or even fanciful romance didn’t come along for her too often and she was in the mood for a bit of that now. But only for this one moment in time. That’s all she could allow. “Cocoa, please,” she said.
“Then let’s make that two hot cocoas,” he said to the vendor, then looked at Michi. “With or without marshmallows?” he asked.
“Marshmallows. In Japan we have what’s called the blooming marshmallow that unfolds as a flower on top of the hot chocolate.” She laughed. “Funny. I haven’t thought of that in years.”
“Then we’ll have to make sure Riku has his first blooming marshmallow experience when he’s well enough to drink it.” Eric handed Michi her paper cup of hot cocoa and pointed to the carriage sitting empty just down the street. “Care for a ride?” he asked.
The horse was white, its tail braided with shiny blue streamers. The carriage was white as well, decorated in the same shades of blue as the horse’s tail. “As many times as I’ve been to New York, I’ve never done that.” And doing it for the first time with Eric seemed perfect. The way everything seemed perfect right now.
“Then I think it’s time for your first ride.”
“You don’t think it’s too chilly?”
“You’ve got your hot cocoa to keep you warm, as well as the blanket the driver will offer us once we get in. And if neither of those work, you’ve always got me.”
Suddenly the image of a snuggle with Eric was all she could think about. And before she could blink, they were in the back of the horse-drawn carriage, its top up, and clopping their way slowly down the road toward Central Park as the coachman in front chattered on merrily about the various buildings and sights they were passing.