by Dianne Drake
“Why are you so kind to me?” she asked.
“Because that bundle in your arms is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We both created the mess...me with what you perceived me to be. And in some ways, my not sticking to anything for long does fit. Maybe not as much as you think. But it’s what I projected, which is why I do understand why you weren’t as keen to find me as you might have been otherwise.”
“And my part of the mess?”
“Believing that you should tackle everything in life on your own. Independence is good, and I hope Riku gets that from you. But sometimes the struggles are too tough to face alone, and I don’t think you know how to deal with that. Maybe you feel a little overshadowed because you come from such a strong family and you don’t believe you measure up. Maybe your whole ordeal clouded your perspective a bit. I don’t know what it is, but I do know that you’re afraid to let a little of Riku go because the biggest fear you have is that in letting go you might also fail him. Or maybe someone else might see what you really fear.”
“What do you mean, what I really fear?”
“I’ve spent a lot of hours trying to put together the pieces of your puzzle, Michi, and it all goes together except that one piece right in the middle. It’s missing. And I think that’s the piece, once put in place, that will finally tell me, and maybe even yourself, the real reason you’re so protective.”
“Because he’s sick.”
Eric shook his head. “Maybe that’s what you’re telling yourself, maybe that’s what you even believe. But there’s something else, Michi. Something you’re not telling me, and maybe not even admitting to yourself.”
“I wouldn’t hurt him or do anything that would cause him any problems, Eric.”
“Except maybe hide behind him?”
She blinked hard, then shut her eyes for a moment. “Is that what it looks like to you? That I hide behind him?” She opened her eyes slowly and look up at Eric. “Because I thought I put him before me. At least, I try to do that.”
“And you do, Michi. Beautifully.” He knelt beside the cradle and took Riku by the hand. Riku responded by giggling and squirming.
“I think he wants to be held by Daddy right now.”
“Because he and Daddy swap stories. I tell him about all the mischief I got myself into when I wasn’t much older than he is. And he tells me all the mischief he has planned for his future. Oh, and he really wants to learn how to play soccer. I was holding out for baseball, but Riku definitely prefers soccer.”
Michi lifted him over to Eric, then stood to allow Eric to take the rocking chair. “I don’t suppose I’ve ever heard Riku talk that much.”
“He and I have this special language. You know, a father-son thing.”
“Well, when he does start to talk, I can’t even imagine the things he’ll have to say since he takes it all in.” Even now, Riku was fascinated watching the blue light on the cardiac monitor flash off and on.
Rather than cradling Riku the way Michi did, Eric sat him up more and let him lean into his own chest and thrash about a bit until he found his own comfortable spot. One where he could continue watching the machines. “Oh, and he wants a pony, just in case you didn’t know that.”
Michi laughed. “He told you that, too?”
“Well, not in so many words, but when I asked him if he’d like a pony when he’s a little older, his eyes sure lit up.”
“You’re going to spoil him, aren’t you, Eric?”
“No. But I’m going to give him the kind of life my dad never gave me. And... I never had a pony.”
“So, when do you buy him...?”
“Excuse me. I hate to interrupt,” Henry said, ‘but I’ve got some prep work to do before Riku’s surgery tomorrow, as well as a long list of things my wife wants me to bring back from the city. So...”
“It’s scheduled for tomorrow?” Michi asked, as her heart leapt to her throat.
“In the morning, first thing.”
Her head started spinning, and her breaths were catching long before they reached her throat. “I suppose that’s good,” she said, looking down at Eric for support. “Eric?”
Eric nodded. “So, was there anything remarkably different on the last set of tests you took?”
“The overall picture is slightly less than it was before. Nothing to be alarmed about, but the gradual decline isn’t going to stop. I did talk at length to Dr. Kapoor, who agrees we should go ahead with this. She’ll be on her way back, but she doesn’t want us to wait for her.”
“So, this time tomorrow Riku will be...”
“In the middle of open-heart surgery,” Henry said, stepping forward to take a pastry. “I’m on my way to Supply to make sure we have everything we’ll need, and back-ups just in case. Then I’m going to have a look at the OR to familiarize myself with it. And after that, I’ve got to go in search of...” he pulled a hand-written list from his pocket, and read “‘L’Amour de La Nuit Parisienne.’”
“She has good taste,” Michi said. “Make sure you get the eau de parfum rather than the eau de toilette. Costs more, but worth it.”
“You wouldn’t happen to know what a minaudière is, would you? She wants one in black, with beads or crystals. But my question is one what?”
“It’s a purse, Henry,” Michi said. “There are plenty of specialty handbag outlets in Manhattan, so look online.”
“And I can find the perfume...?”
“At a perfumery. Again, look online for an address.”
Henry chuckled. “We’ve been married thirty-three years and I still don’t know what she’s all about. But it’s a good life.” He looked at Eric, who was still holding a dozing Riku. “Especially if you can find a woman who knows what a minaudière is. Anyway, I’ve written a couple of orders for Riku, nothing drastic. And I’d like him to sleep as much as he can for the rest of the day. Both of you look like a nap might be in line as well.” He held up his cellphone. “Call, text about any little thing. The last few hours leading up to the surgery are the toughest, so my suggestion would be to get yourself out of this room while he’s sleeping, clear your head, and brace yourselves for tomorrow. It’s going to be a rough day for both of you.”
As if on cue, Takumi appeared in the room with a tray full of food. Various breads, fruits, yogurts, fresh juice. “Breakfast is served,” he said, as Henry took a look at the abundance of food and shrugged. “If only I didn’t have to go find that minaudière.”
“Boutique Blanchfleur over on...” Takumi set the tray on the table then backed away. “Over near Godfrey Street and James Martin Circle.”
“Well, it looks like my day is planned,” Henry said, moving backwards toward the door. “So, like I said, call, text, whatever. And I’ll let you know more later about the exact schedule for the morning.”
Then he was gone. Takumi followed. And it was just the three of them again. A little family. Everything she’d ever wanted. Michi sat down in the recliner nearest Eric, kicked her footrest up, and sighed. Nothing was right in her world, yet the hopelessness she always lived with didn’t seem as heavy right now. Even with tomorrow morning approaching faster than she wanted. “Do you mind if I close my eyes for a few minutes?” she asked.
Before Eric could respond, her eyes dropped shut, and her breathing evened out.
“You know you’ve got the best mommy in the world,” he said to Riku, who was also nodding in and out. “So, it’s up to the two of us now to figure out how to turn this into a real family.”
He rocked Riku for a while longer, then put him back in the crib, sat down in the recliner next to Michi, and within just a few seconds all three of them were sleeping.
* * *
“I guess it was bad form having two sleeping doctors in the room while they were getting ready for their afternoon duties,” Michi said, yawning and stretching as she leaned on
the wall outside the door to Riku’s room. “Or maybe we got kicked out because you were snoring too loudly.” It was a little past noon now, and while a couple of hours of sleep didn’t feel like much to most people, to Michi they were heaven sent. Two hours with no spotty waking every time Riku made a noise. Two hours away from her worries.
“You’re the snorer,” Eric said, standing next to her, stretching his muscles much the way a runner would do before a marathon. “Not me.”
“Prove it,” she challenged.
“How?”
She laughed. “You’re the clever one. I’ll leave that up to you.”
“Let’s see. The last person I slept with before sleeping with you in there was...you. So, will you be my witness?”
“I would except I don’t sleep and tell. And I don’t snore.” She knew he was teasing her, and she enjoyed the lightness for a change. God knew, there hadn’t been much of that in her life lately.
“Well, we might have to discuss this further in the future. But in the meantime, I need to go find someplace to take a shower, get myself in better shape or next time Riku wakes up he won’t want to claim me.”
“Actually, the stubble looks good. I like a man who’s not quite clean-shaven.”
“Then you must love me,” he said, blushing immediately. “Not that I mean in love, but...”
“Don’t worry about it,” she said. “I know what you meant.” Part of her wished he’d meant it differently, though.
She turned around to look at her reflection in the window to Riku’s room and she looked pretty bad herself. Hair so mussed she wasn’t sure it could ever be made right again. Wrinkled clothes. And while she wasn’t actually slumping, it was an image that would have fit. “Well, maybe I could borrow some scrubs and find a shower somewhere myself.”
“With me?” he teased, grinning at her.
“You wish.” Smiling, Michi shook her head as she pushed herself off the wall and headed down the hall to the nurses’ station to beg anything she could get to help her tidy up. Eric wasn’t far behind, on the same mission, and when he stood next to her at the desk, waiting for the clerk to bring them soap, shampoo, towels and scrub uniforms, he was so close their arms touched.
It sent a shiver up her spine, and it surprised her that she could react to him so quickly. She had that night. But those had been different circumstances. And now...she wasn’t prepared for this. The timing was so wrong. The situation so dire, yet even in the aftermath of something so innocent, she could still feel the shivers.
“I’d, um...” She shut her eyes, trying to get her mind back on track. “I’d thought about having the surgery done back home,” she said, opening her eyes but avoiding looking into his. “I’m glad he’s here, though. Glad that this time tomorrow he’ll be through the worst of it.”
“Why didn’t you go through with it there?”
“Because of you. Even though I knew you couldn’t be involved, I felt better knowing you were near.”
“Would you have let him go into surgery without telling me?”
She shook her head. “I know you said no looking back, but for all I’ve done I wouldn’t have done that. Not to either you or Riku. And I’m not lying to you, Eric. For everything I’ve done, I’ve never lied.”
He took her hand in his as they waited. “I know that.” Then he nudged into her a little harder and finally put his arm around her shoulder, pulling her against him. She didn’t protest, didn’t even try to move away, because she could feel his strength soaking into her pores. His was the strength she needed, even if she hadn’t realized that until now.
Giving in to it even more, Michi leaned her head back against Eric’s shoulder. “I’m so tired,” she said on a sigh. “Too tired to think or move. Not even sure I’ve got enough left in me to breathe on my own. And this is something sleep won’t fix. I’m glad you’re here, and I’m glad we’re not fighting.”
He brought his other arm up and fully wrapped her into him. “I’m glad I’m here too, Michi. And that we’re not fighting. But later, when everything has settled down, we really do need to figure this out. How I’m going to be involved in his life. Expectations that I have for him...and I do have them. There are a lot of things to straighten out when...”
She froze. Her body tensed, even though she didn’t want it to. But the fears never totally went away, and when he talked about what he wanted, the floodgates always opened. It was a natural reaction. Especially now, after seeing how Eric was with Riku. But this was something she couldn’t help. Something she couldn’t overcome...at least, not yet. So, she pulled away from him. Or tried.
But Eric wouldn’t let her go. He held onto her, perhaps because he needed the feel of her almost as much as she needed the feel of him. “He’s going back to Sapporo when he’s better, Eric,” she said, her voice so tentative she barely recognized it. “To his home. That’s always been the plan. He needs to be there...in a place he knows.”
“As he should. I’m not taking him from you, Michi, and I don’t know what it will take for me to convince you that I want what’s best for both of you. I’m not looking for custody. Not looking to infringe in any way. But I do want my place in his life and I think we both need to figure out how that’s going to happen.”
“I don’t want to be on the defensive,” she said. “Always scared that something will happen, that someone will try to take him from me.”
“You mean me?”
She nodded. “And the social workers at the hospital.” She stepped away from the desk, then walked down the hall to a private consultation room. Eric followed her in and shut the door. He led her to a chair and she sat, but only on the edge. “That other piece of the puzzle...it comes back to haunt me in so many ways. And maybe I should have told you sooner, but this isn’t easy to talk about.”
“If you can’t, then...”
“No, I have to. My sins are never about lying but always about omission. You need to know what drives my constant fear that someone will take Riku from me.” She shut her eyes for a moment, as if she was trying to convince herself to go on. This was very difficult for her. It showed on her body, in her face, in the way she wrung her hands.
“Take your time,” he said gently.
“That’s one of the problems. I’ve already taken too much time.” She let out a long, weary sigh. “And please, after you hear what I say, don’t judge me. I’ve already done enough of that for the two of us.”
“What is it, Michi?”
“They thought I wasn’t fit. That somehow my lifestyle during my pregnancy had caused his heart defect.”
“What?”
“They accused me of taking drugs.”
“Who?”
“The social workers at the hospital.”
Eric blinked hard. “But you were sick. How could these people...” He balled his hands into fists. “I don’t understand.”
“I took blood thinner shots. They’re approved for pregnancy, very safe, and clotting was a huge concern for me right from the start. Three times before, when I’ve tried to have a baby, I’ve thrown a clot that terminated the pregnancy. So, for me the shots were vital once I knew I was pregnant.”
“But how did the social workers...and at your parents’ hospital. Didn’t they know you?”
“I wasn’t going through anybody at my parents’ hospital. I was going someplace where nobody knew me, afraid that if people knew what I’d done, it would bring shame to my parents. And before you say anything, yes, that’s an old way. Very traditional, but I respect my parents’ sense of tradition. People aren’t so concerned about those things any more. But I was trying to save face, so I went elsewhere.”
“Still, the jump from blood thinner to drugs...how?”
“I taught one more seminar after you left. I was very early into pregnancy, not really unwell but experiencing the usual things. Mo
rning sickness, vomiting. Anyway, one of my students, a social worker in the hospital where I was going for care, caught me retching in the bathroom and made the off-handed comment that the first trimester was the worst. So far I hadn’t told anybody I was pregnant, but since she’d already guessed, we talked about it for a bit. Nothing serious. Mostly about the four children she’d had, and her morning sickness, how many hours of labor, that sort of thing. And as it was the last day of the seminar and I knew I’d never see her again, I didn’t mind opening up. She seemed very nice.
“Anyway, later I went to take my shot, and she walked in. I didn’t think anything of it. You know, hike up the shirt, swab the belly, take the shot. She asked if I was diabetic, and I told her no. Since my condition was none of her business, I didn’t say anything else, which left her believing I was...taking some kind of drug.”
“OK, that makes a little sense. Not much, but I can understand how someone who works in the medical system but who isn’t medical could get confused. But how did it progress to the point where you were being called unfit?”
Michi shook her head. “Because I told her who I was seeing when we had that chat, she called my doctor and reported what she’d seen...me shooting up drugs. Except my doctor was off on holiday, so one of the associates took the call and simply filed the paperwork to put me under investigation. Nobody even asked me, Eric. I swear... I had no idea all this was going on.
“So, when my condition started to go bad, my own doctor hospitalized me for some tests, and I suppose my admittance sent up some kind of red flag. Another social worker came, told me she’d been advised that I was potentially harming my baby, and you can guess the rest. For a little while I was put in protective custody, pending further investigation. Literally arrested and charged with a crime. And later, even though my doctor straightened it out, and the arrest was erased from the books, the red flag never came down and I lived under this scrutiny, and stigma.
“I realize they were doing what they thought best, but there I was, fighting to keep my child, getting sicker and sicker, and the whole suspicion that I could be causing my problems... I was labeled as having Munchausen syndrome, Eric. You know, where I was hurting myself, or by proxy hurting my unborn child, to get attention. And I was mandated for psychiatric counseling.”