“That’s too bad. I mean about Keisha, not about seeing your aunt.”
“I know what you meant.” She smiled. “How was yours?”
“It didn’t go the way I thought it would either. I’ll tell you all about it while we take a walk. It’s a little chilly out there, but I’m game if you are.”
She picked up her coat. “That’s why I brought this with me.”
He took the coat and held it while she slipped into it. What a gentleman he was. Didn’t find many like him anymore. She was glad he was a part of her life—and hopefully would be in the future as well.
He didn’t take hold of her hand as they usually did when they walked.
She wondered if something was wrong. “So tell me about your vacation.”
“It wasn’t actually much of a vacation.” He stopped and looked at her. There was a sadness about him. “I spent a lot of it on my Senior project. My goal is to have it finished by March. I hate waiting until the last minute.”
“Good for you.”
“But I did go for a job interview in Nashville. It would be an assistant to the assistant minister at a fairly large church down there.”
“That’s awesome, Bart. And Nashville has some great music.”
“The interview went well, but they won’t make a decision for at least another month. But that’s not really what I wanted to talk about.”
Her stomach did a flip-flop at his serious tone.
“I wanted to talk about us.”
Good because so did she. “OK.”
“I’m sure you remember that I told you I don’t do casual dating and that I wanted us to get to know each other.” He stopped walking and turned to her. “And I’ve really tried to do that. I’ve told you all about my thoughts and struggles and my dreams for the future.”
“And I appreciate that.”
“Maybe, but not enough to reciprocate.”
“What do you mean?” Even as she said the words, she knew what he meant. But that would all change tonight. She’d tell him everything.
“I don’t think I’ve even penetrated your walls a little bit. I know you said you were a private person, and I can appreciate that. But every time I try to get you to talk about anything important, the subject seems to get changed.”
“Really? I didn’t know I was doing that.”
He grinned. “Maybe not, but you’re really good at it anyway.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better.”
“I’m the one who’s sorry, Nia. I think I found out what I needed to know, and I don’t think our relationship is a possibility.”
His words took her breath away. “That’s not true. I really like you.”
“Not enough to trust me.”
He was right. She’d hidden so much from him. He didn’t even know she’d had cancer and almost died. Because if she’d told him that she would have to tell him about Puzzle House and how God had given her a miracle. And then she would have to tell him about Rachel and her gift of healing, and how that hadn’t happened. And how Sunny was helping her. Tears trickled down her cheeks. “I am so sorry, Bart. I see you’re absolutely right, but I don’t think I was aware of it before. I see that now. In fact‒”
“It’s not your fault. I just think you’re at a different stage in your life and a different place in your spiritual walk. But I still want us to be friends. And we can still make beautiful music together. At worship time.”
“Give me a second chance. I really do want to tell you. I had planned to tell you tonight even before you said anything.”
“I believe you, but it’s not about a second chance. We’re just not right for each other in that way. But as friends, we’re good. I’ll see you at Wednesday Worship, right?”
Probably not.
“If you don’t show up, I’ll come and find you.”
She smiled even though her heart was breaking. “A definite maybe on that.”
“I’ve heard that somewhere before. I’ll walk you back to the dorm.”
“That’s OK. I need a little time by myself. Before I go back to the room with Tanya.”
“Are you sure? I don’t like leaving you out here alone.”
“I’m fine. And thanks for being honest with me.”
“It’s what I do.”
It was what Bart did. But it sure wasn’t what Nia had done with Bart.
After he left, Nia sat down on a nearby bench and cried. Bart was absolutely right. She hadn’t shared the truth with him. She couldn’t blame him for breaking up with her.
Well at least Sunny would be happy. Now Nia could concentrate on becoming a healer with Sunny’s help. Her relationship with Bart had been a distraction as far as Sunny was concerned, but no longer.
***
And thanks for being honest with me.
Bart walked back to his dorm.
If Nia only knew.
He’d been anything but honest with her, but he couldn’t tell her the truth. How could he explain that his whole life had changed in a few short weeks? He couldn’t even explain it to himself. He was at a loss—a complete loss. Sure, he’d had doubts and questions before. But he’d always had his faith. His unwavering faith that God was real and that God loved him. But now it was gone and because of that, he couldn’t continue in a relationship with Nia. She didn’t believe in being unequally yoked any more than he did. He sighed as he corrected his thought. Any more than he used to believe.
He didn’t really know what he believed any more.
23
Bart knocked on the door.
“Come in.”
He opened it. “Hi, Dr. Danforth. I know we didn’t have an appointment.”
“Not a problem, Bart. Come on in and sit down.”
Even though she wasn’t his advisor, he’d always felt closer to her than to Dr. Markles. He sat down. “I…I’m not sure where to start.”
“Then let me start. I’m so sorry about your mother. It’s incredibly hard to lose a parent at any age.”
He nodded, not sure he could even speak. “Thanks,” he croaked.
They sat in silence for a few minutes.
Finally, Bart found his courage. “I…I’m thinking about quitting.”
Her fingers formed a steeple, and she tapped them together several times. “What do you mean?”
“I’m thinking about quitting college.”
“But you only have one more semester. If it’s about money because of your mother’s death, we’ll find a way.”
He shook his head. “It’s not about money. It’s about…my faith.”
“What do you mean?” she asked again.
He looked down at his hands. “I don’t have any. It wouldn’t be right for me to graduate with a degree in divinity and spiritual counseling when I don’t believe in God any longer.”
“I see. I’ve known you for four years, Bart. And in all that time, you’ve been one of the most faithful believers I’ve ever known.”
“A lot of good that did. My mom still died. If there were a God, He wouldn’t have let that happen.”
“Why would you say that?”
He looked up in surprise. “I don’t know. It just seems…” His words trailed off. He didn’t have any answers. “Unfair. If God loved me, He wouldn’t have done that to me.”
“I don’t want to be cruel, but people die, Bart. That’s a hard fact. It might not seem fair to us, but we’re born, we live, and then we die. Some of us sooner rather than later. Dying is a part of life.”
“I don’t like it.”
“Nobody does, but that doesn’t mean God isn’t real or that He doesn’t love you. This is the time when you need to hold Him even closer.”
He shook his head. “I can’t. I just don’t believe any more. My faith is just gone.”
“It may seem that way now, but you’re grieving. Grief takes many forms.” She smiled at him. “And because of that, you aren’t quitting anything. I’m proud of you for coming forward and not wanting
to perpetuate a fraud. But let me assure you that you’re not.”
“It feels that way to me.”
“Feelings lie. You’ve done the work, and you deserve to graduate with a divinity degree and a counseling license. That license will allow you to work in the public sector as well as in churches. So you see, your degree will still be useful.”
“I suppose that’s true.”
“Give yourself time to grieve. I have no doubt your faith will return. Just don’t shut God out right now. This is when you need Him the most.”
“I don’t see that happening, but I’m glad I’ll still get to graduate.”
“Of course, you’re graduating. You’ve done the work, and you deserve the diploma.”
“I guess.”
“You’re friends with Nia Johnson, aren’t you?”
“Friends, yes, but nothing more.” It hurt to say those words, but he’d done what he’d had to do for Nia’s sake. And he wouldn’t change his mind just because he missed her so much.
“This is a time you need your friends around you. Don’t be afraid to lean on them. That’s what friends are for.”
“I couldn’t bring myself to even tell her or any of my friends what happened to my mother.”
She nodded. “And as a counselor, can you tell me why that might be the case?”
He thought for a moment. “I guess it’s probably because the more I say the words, the more real her death becomes.”
“And as a counselor, I’m sure you know that’s part of the grieving process.”
He nodded but said nothing.
“Keep reaching for God, Bart. He’ll find you.”
He stood up knowing there wasn’t anything else to say. About God or Nia. “Thanks, Dr. Danforth.”
“You’re very welcome. My door is open for you any time. You know that, right?”
24
Carrying her guitar case, Nia made her way to the chapel. She still couldn’t believe Bart broke up with her. It had happened so suddenly and with so little emotion, it had made her wonder if their relationship had even been real.
The last few days she’d felt distracted, unable to concentrate on her class work or her meditation.
Sunny had even called her on it during today’s meditation session.
Nia had shrugged it off with the excuse of being tired and not feeling well. Sadness was a form of not being well, right? Her plan tonight was to talk with Bart about the situation. Surely, there was still a chance for them. At least a possibility? She opened the door.
Bart wasn’t on the stage.
“Hey, Donita. Where’s Bart?”
“He didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“He told me he was stepping down, and that it was time to spread my wings and be the leader.”
“You’re kidding.”
“What? You don’t think I’ve got what it takes?”
“I know you do. I just can’t believe he quit the worship group.” And after telling her she couldn’t quit.
“He didn’t tell you? I thought the two of you were…close.”
“Not as close as anyone thought. We were just friends.”
“Were?”
“Are. So what’s the first song?” Nia could barely keep her mind on the music, but she did her best. The moment they were finished, she packed up her guitar and headed for the door.
Donita caught up with her. “Where ya going?”
“Where do you think?”
Donita hugged her. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Good luck. I hope you change his mind. Tell him his position is still here waiting for him. I can wait until after graduation to take it.”
Nia trudged across the campus. She hoped she could change his mind. But about what? Her or leading the worship time? He’d told her they could still make music together. It was one thing to break up with her. They’d only been dating for a few months—hadn’t even kissed yet. But to stop playing music? She walked into the lobby of his dorm and then pulled out her phone. “I’m in your lobby, and I want to talk.”
“Nothing to talk about.”
“You can come down here and talk or I can come up there and yell through your door at you. Those are your choices.”
There was a slight pause.
“Fine. I’ll be down in a minute.” Two minutes later he strolled across the lobby to where she sat on the sofa. “Hey, Nia. I didn’t expect to see you.”
“Well…I expected to see you at worship tonight.”
He shrugged.
“But you weren’t there.”
“I know.”
She motioned for him to sit beside her.
“Look, Nia. It was nice of you to come over, but it’s not what you think. I didn’t step down as worship leader because of you.”
“Really?”
“Really. This is my last semester, I’ve got things to finish so I can graduate.”
“Really? When we talked, you told me everything was on schedule.”
“And it is, but I just want to make sure it all gets done on time.”
“I’m not buying it. First you break up with me, and then you quit the worship group. I’m pretty sure there’s a connection.”
“There’s no connection, Nia. I know you think the world revolves around you, but it doesn’t. I didn’t quit the worship team because of you. In the scheme of things, you’re just not that important.” He stood and walked away.
She sat on the sofa not moving, her eyes filled with tears. He thought she was self-centered. No wonder he broke up with her.
He turned and walked back to her. His voice was soft and gentle. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it came out. I’m just trying to explain to you. Me quitting the worship group’s not about you.”
“Then what is it about?”
He obviously struggled to say anything for the longest time.
Nia waited.
Finally he sat down. “My mom died two weeks ago.”
His words stunned her. “I…I am so sorry, Bart. I had no idea. Why didn’t you call me? I would have…” Her words trailed off.
“There was nothing you could do.”
Now she understood why he’d broken up with her. He didn’t want his white family to meet his black girlfriend. “I could have been there. For you.”
He shrugged.
“What happened?”
“Car accident.”
“That’s just horrible. I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks.”
“Not to make it about me, but I’m guessing this had something to do with us breaking up.”
“It just sort of put things in perspective for me. Made me realize I’m not ready for any kind of a relationship right now.”
Perspective? Maybe he hadn’t called her because he’d been embarrassed for his family to know he was dating an African-American. Biting her lip, she nodded. “I get it.”
“Get what?”
“I’m probably not the type of person your family would expect you to bring home.”
“You think I didn’t call you because I thought my family might not like you.” He sounded and looked confused. “They’d love you. What’s not to love? You’re sweet and kind and beautiful.”
“And black.”
His eyes widened. “Is that what you think, Nia? Really?”
“Well, what am I supposed to think? Everything was fine with us when you left. Your mother dies and you don’t even call me. You know I would have been there in a heartbeat for you. But you didn’t want me there.” She stood. “How’s that for perspective?” She walked outside, welcoming the fresh air—even if it was a bit chilly. Well that was that. Bart had made that clear enough to her. She wasn’t important to him. Apparently, she didn’t fit in with his life.
His mother’s death just clarified that for him.
***
Bart considered her words. Nia thought he broke up with her because she was African-American. But he really broke up with her becaus
e of her faith. It was strong and real and he didn’t want to damage her relationship with God. He should have told her the truth. She didn’t deserve to be hurt by him.
He jogged out.
Ahead, Nia strode with her arms stiff at her side. Every step looked a little angrier than the step before.
She was almost at the door of her dorm when he finally caught up to her. “Nia, hold on.”
She turned toward him. Tears tracked down her cheeks.
“Nia, I’m so sorry. I guess I didn’t really explain myself very well if you think the reason I broke up with you was about you—or your skin color. Trust me when I say it’s not you. It’s me.”
“It’s OK, Bart.”
“It is not OK if that’s what you think.” He put his arms around her. She tensed but didn’t move away. “I don’t care what color your skin is. I care that you are a sweet and kind person. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I didn’t mean to do that.”
She stepped out of his arms. “Didn’t mean to do that? What did you think would happen when you broke up with me? I believed you when you told me that we were a possibility.”
“And I meant that, Nia. Really I did. At the time. But…” He ran his hands through his hair. He needed to tell her the truth. Did he really believe there was no God because his mother died? Or was he just so angry at God that he didn’t know how to handle it? “But everything’s changed now. I…don’t know what to say.”
***
Nia listened—really listened. Bart’s pain was etched on his face. Her anger and distrust disappeared, replaced with compassion. “Of course everything’s changed, Bart. Your mother died. How could it not change?”
“So you understand then.” His tone was hopeful. “It really isn’t about you. It’s definitely me.”
“I do understand, and I’m sorry I overreacted. There was no reason for me to think those hateful things about you. I’m really sorry I accused you of them. Please forgive me.”
“Of course, I can see why you’d think that. So we’re OK now?”
Her heart was still broken but she just had to suck it up. “As long as we’re still friends, we’re OK.”
He held out a hand. “To friendship.”
Nia forced a smile. “To friendship.”
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