by A. M. Brooks
“Have you seen Darrian yet this morning?” Lily ran up to me, looking anxious.
“No,” I told her, still watching the drama in the office. “Why?”
Before she could answer, Vice Principal Voight’s voice blasted over the loudspeaker. “Attention, please. At this time all students are expected to report to their first-hour class. Anyone loitering in the halls will be automatically brought to the office. I repeat, please report to your first-hour class for further direction.” The voice tapered off and it’s automatic crisis in the hallways.
Lily and I started walking to math. I kept my eyes peeled on the crowd looking for Darrian, but I still haven’t seen him.
“DTF,” Lily whispered in my ear.
“What is that?” I asked, completely taken off guard.
“Drug Task Force,” Lily said, watching my face waiting for the information to sink in.
“He wouldn’t be that stupid, right?” I asked her. I’ve seen Darrian show up to school high before but never seen him actually use or carry to school. And I paid close attention, borderline stalking, even when we weren’t together.
“I hope not,” Lily said, shaking her head. “Someone is obviously dumb enough though. Looks like they’re doing locker searches. That’s what Principal Kerry is all upset about. They have a warrant and everything.”
When we reached the room, I noticed we were almost the last ones in. As soon as the last desk is filled, our math teacher, Mr. Warren, closed the door.
“Alright, alright,” he announced, holding up his hand for everyone to be silent. The chatter died down faster than normal. “As some of you may have seen our school was visited this morning by Araminta police officers,” he paused as some claps and some boos rang out in the room. “Guys, guys, please. I have a formal statement here that I was asked to read to you. Every teacher is reading this to their students first hour today, so everyone is informed. A copy of this statement was emailed and a letter was mailed to your parents so they are aware as well.”
People shifted in their seats around me. Lily and I made eye contact, hers raised with curiosity. I could feel my stomach tightening, the suspense was killing me.
Mr. Warren continued, a yellow piece of paper now in his hand, “Early this morning, Thursday, February fifteenth at 1:37 a.m., first responders arrived at a party where several individuals had called 911. Responders learned a student from Northland High School, whose identity at this time will not be shared, had been in attendance and ingested a synthetic drug identified as B+. Due to a reaction from the drug and alcohol in her system, the student passed away shortly after responders were called. The Drug Task force had been notified. At this time, they are willing to share information about the drug. B+ is a synthetic mixture of cocaine and different steroids that can be found in over the counter enhancements. B+ is an illegal drug and law enforcement should be notified if you or anyone you know has seen the drug in your area or knows more information. B+ is a small white pill, about the size of an aspirin, with a blue plus sign stamped on it. If you or anyone you know accidentally ingests or has ingested the pill, please call 911 right away.”
Mr. Warren keeps going, but my mind was stuck on the words illegal drug. Darrian had told me over and over it was a substance for energy and concentration. I had believed him. I felt my ears turning red realizing he lied to me over and over again. All his bullshit about not lying and having honesty even if it hurt only applied to me apparently. It reminded me of my mom, the lying, the promises, when really she was an addict. An addict who eventually chose to end her life.
“If anyone has information to share, law enforcement has set up a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell clause’ during this morning’s proceedings. Meaning if you have something to share that is useful to law enforcement, after I’m done reading this you are excused from the classroom with the understanding you are going straight to the office. Anyone loitering or caught in another part of the school and hallways could face expulsion. Anyone who interferes with the search or investigation could also face expulsion. Your first hour today will be followed by homeroom time in this class. Please use the time for homework until you are excused. At which time you will go to whatever class you should be in or lunch.” Mr. Warren set down the paper, sweeping his eyes over the classroom. Nobody moved or said anything. A girl, a student had passed away from B+ and it was illegal. Yet no one was doing anything. Rage filled my body, and before I knew what I was doing, I was out of my seat. I heard Lily whisper my name, but I kept moving. My ears were ringing as I replayed every conversation with my mom, every conversation with Darrian, the lies and the manipulation boiled over. I had felt like something was wrong with me, that I couldn’t loosen up, or that I had been too hard on him or too nosey about her. I could have stopped her, but I believed her. I didn’t tell my dad. I could save Darrian though.
When I walked into the office, it was obvious no one had actually expected a student to walk in. The room quieted, “I have information,” I said, making eye contact with one of the officers. Looking around I realize their numbers had increased since this morning. Another officer was leaving the office with a K9 service dog as I stepped farther inside.
“This way,” he said before leading me to a back conference room. I fully expected the principal or someone to follow, but it was just me, the officer, and a female officer that followed. A dog barked and I finally realized where I’m at and what I’m about to do. I heard Lily whispering my name in my head when I left the classroom, I pictured Darrian’s eyes every time he is high, I felt my own misery after the party at Roman’s, and lastly I remembered the paleness of my mom’s skin, how cold she was when I touched her, the vacant look in her eye as she stared at nothing, and the way her mouth was parted open like she had tried to ask for help but was too late.
“Cody Turner,” the name fell from my lips and I felt instant relief while also feeling as though I had just sinned. “Cody Turner supplies B+ at Araminta. He gets it from a guy named Roman. No one believed it was illegal.” I made sure to tell them just in case they started testing people. Saying it out loud though, I realized how stupid it actually sounded. Of course it was illegal. Tears blurred my vision. A feeling of relief filled my chest followed by a wave of panic. I just ratted out Darrian’s dealer.
I saw one officer nod to the other before he left the room leaving just the female officer and me. Once the door closed, she approached me slowly. “I need to ask you a few questions,” she stated using a mothering voice tone. I fell apart a little more, but I nodded anyway.
“Is there any reason your story wouldn’t be credible?”
I shook my head no.
“Have you seen B+ actively being used by Araminta students?”
I hesitated, then remembered a girl is dead. I nodded my head yes this time.
“Okay,” she said. “Write your name and number and your guardian’s information here.” She handed me a pad of paper and a pen.
“Isn’t this supposed to be anonymous?” I asked, feeling slightly uncertain now.
She took a minute before answering. “It can be, yes. Or this way we can keep in contact with you in case we have more questions in the future.”
On instinct, I took a step back. “I’d rather be anonymous,” I told her even though I knew it was pointless. My whole classroom saw me leave after Mr. Warren’s speech. It will be Darrian’s dealer that is busted. I can tell my decision doesn’t make her happy, but she doesn’t argue.
“Okay,” she said, watching as I set the paper down on the table between us. “You’re free to go back to class.”
I practically ran out of the office, my heart hammered in my chest, adrenaline fueled my system. I made my way back to the classroom, noticing we only had ten minutes left now. As I rounded the corner, my eyes connect with Darrian’s. We both freeze. I noticed in his hand he held a white slip of paper and I realized he must have arrived late. His eyes are contemplative as he watched me, his jaw firm and tense. Without a word,
he stepped into his classroom and the door shut behind him. My body started shaking as I made my way down the hallway. Everyone is avoiding eye contact with me when I enter the room. Sliding into my desk, I look down at my phone.
Lily: What did you do??
Instead of texting, I turned to look at her. Worry was written all over her features. I slammed my eyes shut and shook my head trying to clear the jumbled thoughts. I wasn’t certain anymore that I had made the right choice.
By the end of the morning, the news was all over the school. Cody had been arrested for drug possession. He was escorted out of class by officers and handcuffed. Apparently, he had enough B+, marijuana, and cocaine in his backpack to pass for a first-degree offense and expulsion. A few other lockers were busted as well for marijuana, but the amounts were so small the students were just being suspended for a few days to a week. DTF’s search had lasted all morning. When we were finally let out of our first hour rooms, it was between lunch periods so we all ate together. I sat with Lily and Olivia in a corner of the room and watched everyone pass by. People talked about Cody’s arrest, but no one knew anything yet about my involvement. I hadn’t seen Darrian again since earlier either which added to the agitation I was feeling.
After lunch disappointment settled in. I needed to see Darrian. I wanted to explain before he heard from someone else. A loud commotion sounded from a few feet away and I knew I was about to get my chance. He was heading right for me, his eyes were intent on my face, his face was void of emotion, the mask pulled into place. He already knew, and he was livid. People around us stopped and were waiting for the public display. They would be disappointed though, right as I opened my mouth to defend myself Darrian grabbed my arm and we started walking in a different direction. No one followed us, but I could hear the gossip starting already. Without warning, I was pushed into an empty classroom and stumbled a bit. Darrian locked the door and pulled the old-fashioned shade down. The guy that turned to face me I didn’t recognize. Pure rage radiated off his body, his eyes were dark, his face and body were tense. A small layer of sweat covered his forehead and had created a small wet spot in the middle of his chest. It dawned on me then while I watched him as he stepped closer why he was so upset...he wasn’t going to get another fix anytime soon.
“Did you narc on Cody?” he asked, staring me down, even though we both knew he already had the answer.
“Yes,” I told him, lifting my chin in defiance.
“Jesus fuck Nora!” he yelled angrily. “Do you have any idea what you just did?”
“I stopped people from being hurt,” I yelled back. “A girl died, Darrian. A girl died because she took B+ thinking it was okay and drank.”
“It’s unfortunate, but you have no idea where she got that supply from. Now two of my friends have been arrested today because of you.” His voice sent shivers down my spine.
“Honestly Darrian, I’ve seen Northland kids at Roman’s house, at parties in Araminta, and talking to Cody. You honestly think they had nothing to do with the supply getting to Northland students? If it was just something they expected in Northland, they wouldn’t have bothered coming here today!” I shouted in frustration. He wasn’t listening though, his mind was disengaged from the conversation. It’s not what he wanted to hear.
“You need to go tell them you made a mistake. That you were wrong,” he said lowly.
“Why would I do that?”
“Because this is going to start a manhunt at the school. You think they’re going to stop at arresting Cody? Everything we do now will be watched. They’re already talking about drug testing athletes.”
“I’m not lying,” I told him, standing taller.
“Fuck.” He ran his hands over his head. “Is this what, payback? Because I didn’t live up to your boyfriend expectations, you’re going to ruin my friend’s lives?”
“Your friends?” I asked him. “Seriously? Are they really your friends supplying you with illegal drugs that are practically tearing you apart?”
“This again,” he said as he stepped even closer to me.
“Yeah that again,” I hissed at him. “You’re hurting yourself and you don’t even know it.”
“I can handle myself.” He’s suddenly right in my face, shooting daggers with his eyes, his body coiled to strike. For the first time, a tingle of fear raced through my mind. I pushed him away, feeling better when he stumbled back a little.
“You could get hurt Darrian. Or you could hurt somebody. You don’t need B+ to play, and you keep using cocaine and drinking more now that basketball is over. Don’t ruin your life or your chance at playing college ball. Just pick a school. Pick the school you want and fuck everyone else!”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” He groaned. “You have no idea about anything, the responsibility, the demands, or that I’m handling it all. I don’t need you to help, Nora. You ruined everything.” His hands connected with my shoulders pushing me up against the wall.
“Maybe I don’t know what you’re feeling Darrian, but I can see what it’s doing to you. How you’ve changed since the first night I met you. You think this is normal?” I asked, trying to put some distance between us, but I couldn’t move his solid frame.
“Why do you care so much?” he shouted in my face forcing me to brace my feet against the wall so that his face was level with mine. Instead of flinching I stared back, meeting his angry gaze with my pained one.
“Because I lost my mom to a drug overdose, Darrian. She chose a bunch of pills over being my mom, over being there for holidays, birthdays, dances.” I shrugged. “I can’t lose you too. I love you.” The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could think about it, knowing it may be too much, or it might be enough to bring him back in. His face froze, his body hummed with rage.
“Fuck!” he yelled, smacking the wall beside my head, I flinched. “We aren’t fucking together! I don’t do relationships, how else can I get that through to you!” He couldn’t see it, but the words he venomously threw around were like daggers. My heart was breaking another piece for him, tears welled in my eyes. I shook my head in denial.
“You don’t have to say it. I don’t want you to. I just needed you to know I cared.” I let the tears run warm currents down my cheeks. He pulled back, a look of horror was on his face. I wanted to tell him it would be okay. He stepped back letting go of me before he turned, grabbing the nearest desk and throwing it at the brick wall. The top flew off when it crashed to the ground. I flinched from the impact and crouched my body down. I hugged my knees to my chest. His face was contorted in anger as he shoved another desk knocking it over into the one next to it. When he stopped to look at me again his chest was heaving, his pupils were dilated, and he regarded me with only pity.
“I can’t do this anymore with you. We’re really over this time.” He walked out leaving me in the destroyed room, my body a heap on the floor. My heart was shattered, my truth spilled all over the floor. I hadn’t been lying. I just realized I loved him, but right now he would never love the person who’s taking away his addiction.
Everyone was in spring fever mode. The weather had shifted in Araminta bringing warmer temps and more sunshine. It was the last day before spring break and everyone was flying around like crazy. Except for me, I had zero plans except to stay in and continue to hibernate. I was convinced if I kept going with my homework I could potentially finish a semester early and escape this town. No such luck though when I ran the idea past Principal Kerry.
The other reason I had no plans over spring break was a consequence of being the number one persona non grata at Araminta High. It didn’t take long for people to put two and two together: Cody’s bust and the fact that Darrian was no longer by my side equaled narc. “Narc” was even painted on my locker in large red letters. Darrian didn’t deny it or defend me which was more ammunition for those who already had it out for me. Once again it was the cold shoulder treatment. Part of me wanted to roll my eyes because no one could be
more creative than ghosting me.
I started skipping gym to avoid any locker room issues. Not that I cared, I seriously doubted I wouldn’t graduate for receiving a D in gym. If that was my worst grade this year, I thought I could explain that to a college recruiter. I was technically invisible to everyone except Olivia, Shea, Lily, and Trent. I was bumped into constantly, almost sat on because that person “hadn’t seen me,” and I was “mistaken for a garbage can.” I tried not to care about that though. I had real friends who couldn’t be controlled. Even Trent later told me he had tried B+ unaware of the effects it could have. He hadn’t tried since then and was glad more people knew about it now.
The worst part this time was seeing Darrian and Mikayla together. Taylor had smirked at me mouthing “I told you,” the day after the bust. I hadn’t known what she meant until I looked at their table during lunch. Darrian was sitting while Mikayla straddled him. His hands were on her waist, and she kept kissing his neck. He wasn’t resisting, just talked with the other guys at the table like it was a normal day. That was the last time I ran. I hid in the library the whole lunch hour crying for allowing myself to fall for him when I knew it wouldn’t be good for me. I had known I would get hurt from the beginning, the first time I met him. The worst part was that I had finally opened up completely and honestly. But you couldn’t argue with someone who can’t admit they had a problem.
Since the DTF incident, we haven’t talked. I never felt his gaze on me anymore and I coached myself every day not to look for him. There was no apology, no movie-like scene where he asked me to take him back. It was just over yet our last conversation repeated in my head constantly. I stopped attempting to reach out to Ethan, knowing it would be pointless. Darrian was the puppet master and pulled all the strings. The rumor that athletes would start being tested did, in fact, happen which only added to my isolation.