by Tina Saxon
Her fingers fly across the screen as she writes out a text. Her polish is chipped on numerous fingernails; she’s been picking it off. The melancholy melody coming from the back of her throat brings tears to my eyes. She’s sad because of me. When I sniffle, her face jerks up, meeting mine.
She softly smiles and says, “Hi.”
“Hi.” I manage a small smile. We stare at each other for a couple seconds before her eyes fill with tears.
“Fuck!” she says. My eyes go wide at her sudden burst of a curse word. “I’m sorry. I thought I could put on a strong façade because I know you.” Tears run down her face, and she wipes them away. “I know you don’t want anyone looking at you and feeling sorry for you, b-b-but I can’t do it,” she stutters and climbs on the bed, lying on her side so we’re face to face. My eyes sting as the tears fall freely down my face. “I’m so sorry this happened to you. I can’t even imagine the hell you were in these last couple weeks,” she hiccups. She wraps her hands around mine and falls silent. She’s right. I don’t want people’s pity, but if there is anyone who I can be myself around, it’s Sydney. I close my eyes and let my emotions pour out of me.
My body shakes as my cries fill the room. She moves closer and wraps herself around me. I don’t even notice that someone else is in the room until I hear Syd say, “Not now.” I wipe my tears away and turn toward the door. No one is there so I turn back around.
“Always so bossy,” I say, sniffling.
She smiles and shrugs. “You needed this more than that person needed to come in here.”
I take a deep inhale and exhale, nodding. “Who was it?”
“I’m pretty sure it was your doctor.”
I smirk. “I’m having a déjà vu moment right now.”
“Nope. She’s definitely not as hot as Dr. Parker was,” she says with a laugh. I chuckle when I think about the last time I was in the hospital after being shot and Syd hooked up with my doctor.
“Thank you for being here,” I say softly.
She squeezes my hand. “Nobody could have kept me away from you. I love you, Addie.”
“I love you, too, Sydney.” I take a few more deep breaths to calm myself. I need to change the subject because I can tell my emotional state is barely hanging on. “So, did you get the job?”
Her gaze flicks over my shoulder before coming back to meet my eyes. She chews her lip while she contemplates what to say. I can already tell what her answer is going to be.
“That’s great,” I say, not wanting to wait for her to tell me she got it but that she’s not going. That will never happen. She will not put her life on hold because of the mess I’m in.
“Addie—”
I shake my head. “No. When do you start?”
She stares at me for a minute and sighs. “I’m supposed to go next week for orientation.”
“Then you’re going,” I deadpan. She sticks her tongue out. “I’m fine. I’m alive and I’ll eventually go back.” She narrows her eyes. “I need someone to take care of my apartment anyway.”
“I don’t want to go there without you,” she pouts. “And you need me here with you.”
“I can’t live with any more guilt, Syd. I need you to go.”
“You shouldn’t feel guilty for anything, Addison. None of this is your fault. None!” She bolts out of bed, making me jump. I wince at the pain in my ribs. “Oh, oh, oh … I’m sorry,” she quickly says, laying her hand on top of mine, holding my side.
I close my eyes and lean back, taking in a big breath and letting it out slowly. “It’s okay, Syd. I just need to know that you are going to New York.”
She huffs. “Fine. I’m going to New York.” I want to tell her to take Aiden back with her. I have a feeling that he’s going to be more determined than Syd to stay. He can’t. That guilt I shouldn’t have, I do. And a lot of it has to do with Aiden. “I’ll leave when you get out of the hospital. Until then, you’re stuck with me.”
She leans back and I turn on the TV. The next time the doctor comes into the room, Syd moves off the bed so she can check me out. It’s not until the psychologist enters that I ask her to leave. It’s not because she’ll hear something that I don’t want her to know, it’s actually the opposite. She’ll see the wall I let down go right back up. I don’t want to talk to anyone about what happened. Telling it to law enforcement is as far as I’ll go. And that was only so if Rico and any of his men were arrested, they wouldn’t be getting out anytime soon. The agent didn’t elaborate on what happened when I was rescued. I’ll have to get that out of Damon later.
My unwillingness to talk makes the doctor’s visit short. She promises to be back tomorrow, or sooner if I need her. I promise her I won’t need her. After she leaves, I focus on my tree. I always get a sense of calm when I watch it. The sky has a mask of gray clouds and it looks like it’s going to rain any minute. Clouds swirl in the sky and my tree holds onto her leaves for dear life as wind rushes through her. I forgot how volatile Texas weather can be in the winter.
I hear my door open. I don’t look over because I’m sure it’s just Sydney coming back in. When I don’t hear any noises, I turn my head in the direction of the door. Aiden is leaning against the wall, his hands in his pockets and his head slightly downcast, but his eyes are pinned on me. His pain radiates off of him. I feel the waves pulsing around my heart, constricting it. I can’t do this. I look away, blinking away my tears.
“Addison, look at me,” he quietly commands. I close my eyes and shake my head. I hear him push off the wall and his heavy steps approaching my bed. I flinch when I feel his hand on top of mine and whip my head back to his direction.
Yanking my hand away from his, I whisper, “Please, don’t touch me.”
“Why are you pushing me away? Addison, I love you. Please let me be here for you,” he murmurs as he falls into the chair. His hands fist my sheets. I feel the slight tug on them.
“I can’t do this,” I say, looking back out the window to my tree. I can’t do us. His touch I once craved now makes my stomach churn. He won’t want me anymore after the guilt settles. Why can’t he see that? I will not be with someone out of a sense of pity or obligation. I’m not going to saddle him with a broken woman. He deserves more. “Syd is moving to New York next week, you should go back with her,” I say flatly.
“What? I’m not going anywhere.” He stands abruptly. His chair scrapes against the floor. The amount of anger inside my body surprises me. The feeling of being trapped again is irrational, but it’s exactly how I feel.
I jerk my head toward him and sit up, wincing again from the damn broken rib. It only adds fuel to my raging fury. “That’s not a decision for you to make, Aiden,” I seethe. “I don’t want you here. You’re not helping me.” His eyes go wide and the hurt reflecting in them squeezes my heart a little more. I’m being a bitch, I know I am, but if it’ll make him leave, then it’s worth it. He’ll understand one day.
“Addison—”
“No!” I scream, interrupting him. I fist my hands and slam them down on my thighs. “Get out!”
The door swings open, and Max walks in. “Aiden,” he says in a low, commanding voice, motioning to the door with his head. Aiden’s eyes narrow as his jaw tightens. His hands fist at his sides, and I wonder if he’s about to hit Max. He turns toward me and the tension in his shoulders fall. His eyes water, and he takes a sharp inhale, blowing it out slowly through his nose.
“I’m sorry,” he says, his voice shaking. I watch as he pivots and paces out the door, not once looking at Max. Guilt and relief collide within me. This is what you want, Addison.
“Goddammit!” I scream, jumping out of bed. I sway from getting up too fast. “Whoa,” I say, grabbing the side of my bed. Max is by my side immediately, steadying me and pushing me back to the bed. I slouch over the side of it and rub my temples. My head is dizzy, and I’m not sure if it’s from lack of oxygen or the fucked-up mess in my head.
“Addison, you need to rest.” You th
ink?
“You need to make Aiden leave.” I look down. I don’t want to see the disappointment in his eyes. He’s not going to understand. He’s Aiden’s best friend.
“Addison, I can talk to him, but he won’t listen to me.” He sits down in the chair right in front of me. I sigh, lift my head, and look at him. “He loves you.”
“I know that,” I murmur. “But it’s too much when he’s here. There are expectations that I can’t handle right now. Please talk to him about going back,” I plead.
“I will.” He leans forward on his elbows. I swing my feet back up on the bed, wrapping them in the blanket. Max’s eyes scan my body. His scrutiny embarrasses me, so I bring the blanket up to my chest. The blanket settles over my body, outlining it.
“It was you, wasn’t it?” I whisper. I wasn’t sure who rescued me since the man was dressed all in black, but seeing Max in front of me right now, there is no mistaking that it was him. I remember how huge and hard he was, like he was built of stone, when I was in his arms. I look over at him and he nods. “Thank you.”
“It would’ve been Aiden had I let him.” He sits back in his chair and crosses his arms while he watches me. That doesn’t surprise me at all. I’m glad it wasn’t. It would’ve made everything so much worse. He already knows I’m broken; seeing the hell that I lived in would be etched in his head. Forever.
“You look better.”
“Yeah … water, food, and a shower does a body good,” I say sarcastically.
He sighs. “They won’t ever touch you again, Addison,” he says through gritted teeth. I close my eyes and nod. Just the thought of them touching me again makes my heart start pounding. I take in a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself. I’m safe. I focus on that.
“Will I have to testify?” I know that Joe is dead, but I’m still not sure about Rico. When Max doesn’t respond, I glance his way. His head hangs and his hands are balled into fists. I can tell he’s trying to control his anger.
After a few moments, he gathers himself and looks up. “No.”
I nod in understanding and my eyes start to water. Thank God.
The next few days I can really feel the effects of food and fluids. Each day I have more energy. Well … physical energy. Mentally, I still don’t want to get out of bed. If it weren’t for the nurses and Sydney making me walk around the hospital, I would stay in bed. I’ve tried to take less pain meds, thinking that is what’s making me feel so blah. Joe invades my sleep more frequently. I wake up more tired than when I went to sleep. Last night my doctor prescribed me a sleeping pill. When I woke up this morning, I felt like my brain was as heavy as a bowling ball. I didn’t want to lift my head off my pillow.
But at least I had a dreamless sleep.
Aiden visits my room at least once a day. We don’t talk. We definitely don’t touch. Each morning he comes into my room with a chai tea latte and banana bread. He watches me for a couple moments, says “I love you” and then leaves. I can’t bring myself to eat or drink his gifts. I want to tell him to stop, because the pain I feel for him is almost too hard to bear. This is entirely my fault, so I’ll bear the pain if it will eventually make him see that I’m not worth it. My soul is tainted with hate that Joe forced into me. I can’t take that back. It’ll always be there. He’ll always be there.
“I see Aiden’s visited this morning,” Syd says, walking into my room and glancing at the table. I nod. “You should drink it. You know you want to.” Her voice is light as she sings the words. I think about that. Do I? I shake my head to my own question. I really don’t. She stares at me and sighs. “Well, I brought you some clean, comfy clothes, so go take a shower and we’ll go walk around.” She throws a bag on my bed and claps to hurry me along.
We’ve been going outside the last two days, but the weather changed again. Typical Texas. The rain and dreary weather is back. It’s exactly how my head feels, dreary with a hundred percent chance of fog. I grab my clothes and trudge to the bathroom. I already know that no matter how much I whine, Sydney won’t let this go. The faster I get this over, the quicker I can wrap back up in my warm bed.
My day with Sydney was uneventful, but now I’m lying in bed, watching the sky light up like fireworks from the lightning. Rain taps on the window and it lulls me to sleep with its rhythmic beats. The sound of a loud clap jolts me out of me sleep. I look around frantically, confused about where I am. My heartbeat is erratic and my breathing is labored. I blow out a huge breath when I recognize that I’m in my hospital room. Another loud clap of thunder hits making the lights flicker out in the hallway. I lie back. It’s just thunder, Addison. It’s not long before the effects from my earlier sleeping pill pulls me under again.
I can feel the heat of the sun on my face before I open my eyes. I let the warmth cover me for a few moments before I begin another day. When I finally open my eyes, the first thing I see is my tree. My eyes fly open wide.
“No, no, no,” I cry as I jump out of bed and run to the window. I don’t even register the pain in my ribs. I lay my forehead against the cold window and stare at my tree. My broken tree. The tree is split in half, one part leaning on the ground. Tears run freely down my cheeks as I mourn Mother Nature’s destruction. Lightning must have hit it last night. Anger bubbles up inside. “Why do you take everything from me?” I cry out to the sky, pounding on the window with my fist. When will fate finally stop with the blows? I can’t take much more. Is that what she wants? Because this is killing me. I’m done living in agony.
“Addison, are you okay?” Aiden’s concerned voice asks from behind me.
My shoulders drop, and I let out an exasperated sigh. “Not now, Aiden.”
“When then? Addison, when will you talk to me? I’m hanging on by a thread waiting for you to see me. See that I want nothing more than to help you.”
I spin around and plant my feet firmly on the ground. The hateful words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. “Aiden, I can’t be with you. Every time I see you, I see your dad’s face. I see the smirk he had the day my mom lost the light in her eyes.” The venom in my voice frightens me. I can’t believe I’m saying this, yet it’s coming out of my mouth. Stop, Addison! You don’t mean it. But I can’t. I throw my hands out. “I thought Travis was the poison inside of me, but he’s not. My life has been destroyed by the blood that runs through your veins.” I can’t even see straight. The irrational part of my brain that is controlling me right now is blinding.
The door swings open. Syd walks in, rounding Aiden, and stands in between us. “Aiden, I think you need to leave,” she says softly.
He grips his hair and mumbles a few curse words. He spins around and starts to walk out the door. I sharply inhale, gripping my chest, and hold in the cry that wants to come out. He turns around and pins me with his stare. “You don’t mean that. I know you don’t,” he growls, pointing at me. I stay frozen in place, afraid of what else might spew out if I open my mouth. “I’ll leave, Addison.” He swallows back his emotions. “But don’t think for one fucking minute that we’re done.” His shoes squeak when he turns, slams the door open, and walks out.
The cry I was holding in breaks free, and I collapse onto the ground. Syd wraps herself around me and I cry not only for the man who I love but also for the man I just destroyed.
I stuff my hands in my pockets to keep from punching something or someone. My steps are heavy and I’m breathing so hard the bleach undertones in this fucking hospital burn my nostrils. I need to get out of here. I hear footsteps behind me, and I’m almost positive it’s Max; I caught a glimpse of him at the nurse’s station when I stormed out of Addison’s room.
I yank my keys out of my pocket when I approach my car, unlock the doors, and slide inside. Max jumps into the passenger seat without saying a word.
“I don’t think you want to be around me right now,” I grate out.
“Not a chance in hell I’d let you be alone,” he says as he pulls out his phone. When he finds whatever he’s searchi
ng for, he looks over at me. “Let’s go.”
I jerk my head in his direction. “Asshole, I’ll need more information than that.” He sarcastically presses the start button with his index finger on his map app, and a woman’s voice comes on and says turn left onto Sage Parkway. I blow out a ragged breath and shake my head. “Max,” I warn. I am not in the mood for jokes.
“Just follow the damn directions, Aiden.”
I sigh and turn the car on. I don’t know where the hell I’m going, but at this point I don’t care as long as it’s away from this hospital. The directions lead us to a biker bar not too far out of town. A few bikes and an old, red, Ford Pickup are parked in front. The sign above the door reads Stokers and it flashes blue every couple seconds.
“How the hell did you know about this place?” I ask, turning the car off and getting out.
“I didn’t. But your options of open bars are limited at this time of morning.”
I flip my wrist, looking at my watch. It’s only nine in the morning, and I don’t give a flying fuck. My heart was just ripped out by the woman I love, stabbed a few times, then handed back to me on a silver platter. Bring on the liquor.
The stench of cigarette smoke clears the lingering ammonia smell as I take in a deep whiff when we walk in. Only a couple of patrons sit at the bar. They glance our way as light from the outside fills the dark room from the open door. The female bartender looks us up and down and tells us to sit wherever. Max walks to a booth in the corner and we slide in.
“What can I get you two gorgeous men?” a female waitress purrs. Her voice is raspy, like she’s inhaled cigarette smoke too long. She has tats splattered all over her chest and arms, and I’d bet all over her body, too. Her bleach-blonde hair is braided to one side, which is in stark contrast to the black tank top she has on.