by Sarah Delany
Don’t Panic.
Keep Breathing.
By Sarah Delany
Copyright © 2020 Sarah Delany
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The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, businesses, or locales is coincidental and is not intended by the author.
Graphic Design (Cover) - Michael Pati Fuiava
Editing and Proofreading - Rebecca Andrews
Dedication
To my beloved sister Rachel Ayers,
whose best advice given to me was to, “Try before you buy.”
I can picture you perfectly, with your hand covering your mouth, your face turning red, silent laughter about to come alive when you gasp the words, ‘Sarah, you can’t say that.’ Well Rae I just did. Hope you are giggling in heaven.
I wish you were here to see this because out of everyone, you would have got a kick out of me becoming an author the most.
Born with a hole in your heart but left this Earth, leaving an even bigger one in ours.
Loving and missing you today, tomorrow and always.
Your little sister, Ser.
Contents
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Afterword
Playlist for ‘Don’t Panic. Keep Breathing.’
Feedback
About the Author
Prologue
I can’t do this anymore.
I’m tired of being strong.
So tired.
I need these voices to stop.
I can’t think of any other way out.
It will all be over soon.
I’ll be free.
Everyone will be better off without me.
My demons have their clutches in me and some days I struggle to fend them off.
I can’t go on this way.
I need it all to stop.
I’m sick of pretending I’m fine when I’m not.
How much longer can I hold the mask in place? I can feel it slipping.
I’m completely consumed with nowhere to turn.
I need help.
I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems.
I’ve dealt with them this long.
What’s a little while longer going to do?
I can do this.
I can keep fighting.
I’m strong.
But....
What happens when I have no fight left?
What becomes of me then?
Chapter 1
-- Tate --
“What the fuck bro?” JP screams at me, while I sit there trying hard to keep my emotions at bay. She’s gone now. I made sure of that. I needed her to go. I saw it in her pained eyes. She knows she can’t reach me. Her words cut me but I held it together long enough to get her away from me. Now I don’t have to worry about feeling the pain anymore. I will push it down and bury it deep within me, never letting it escape.
“Are you listening to me?” he yells. I’m trying to block JP out. I wish he would leave too. Leave me to my void where I can contain everything. “You told me to leave her alone and look at what you did? You fucken broke her. She only wanted to be there for you. And I thought she was the cold one.” It’s funny how JP is on her side now instead of mine. I can’t be on her side. She would crack me open and tear me apart. I can’t have that, I wouldn’t survive it.
“Look after her for me, please?” I ask him, before I push all my feelings for her away. His anger filled eyes stare back at me. I can see it written clearly on his face. He wants nothing better than to throat punch me. I don’t blame him, I probably deserve it. I think the death of my sister is the only thing stopping him.
“I know you’ve had the shittiest day today bro but go fuck yourself,” he hisses, before he turns his back on me. Great, now my own cousin hates me.
“John, come back here,” his mum calls out to him. I’m so spaced out, I forgot they were in the room.
“Let him go,” I tell her. I don’t want to deal with JP’s anger. I don’t have the energy for anything except holding myself together. My aunt and uncle have a private conversation with their eyes. How they understand each other, I’ll never know. My uncle leaves the room without saying a word and she moves to sit on the bed beside me.
“Tate, I know you’re hurting but John and Tamsyn only want to be there for you. You could try letting them in instead of pushing them away. They both looked extremely hurt when you said you wouldn’t come back,” she says, sounding exactly like my mother. They are sisters after all. “I think you need to apologise to Tamsyn too. She came here to help and you acted like you could care less.” I blankly stare at her. Her blonde hair and green eyes are the same as my mum’s, which means they are too much like Quinn’s. It’s like seeing an older version of Quinn and my heart can’t take it. It’s a version of Quinn I will never get to see. She took that away from me. For a second my heart cracks, and a single tear from each eye escapes, rolling down my cheeks.
“Awww Tate, come here,” she says, as she wraps her thin arms around me. I don’t fight it. For this small moment, I flick the switch off and release the pain. I mourn for my twin; my better half. I wish it was her holding me in her arms instead. Knowing I will never hold her in my arms again makes the tears flow faster. I want her back. I want them both back. Quinn. Tamsyn. One I can’t have, the other I don’t deserve. I had to do it. I had to send her away. I can only hope that one day she will understand why I did it. My aunt must read my mind because she says, “It’s not too late Tate, you could talk to her and explain. She would understand.”
“I can’t,” I cry. I don’t want to explain. I don’t want to make things right. This is how it needs to be right now. So with a deep breath in, I exhale and flick the switch back on, letting go of the pain, letting go of Tamsyn and pushing the hurt away. I cage it up and throw away the key, hoping it won’t get released again.
I disengage from my aunt and I see the look on her face. She knows the moment is over. She stands up and leaves because she knows I won’t listen to anything she has to say now. I lie back on my bed and stare up at the ceiling, escaping everything by letting it float away. Her words play on repeat in my mind, ‘Remember to shine’. She used my own words against m
e. Shining is the last thing I want to do. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think. The darkness takes over my mind and I let it because darkness blocks out the pain. Darkness is my new friend. I only wish someone was here to tell me how dangerous the darkness can be.
-- Tamsyn --
Out of breath, I slow my strides needing to calm down and I can’t do that while running. I bend over, gasping for air while crying uncontrollably. It’s not a pretty sight. It’s dark out, I don’t know the time. I left the house in such a rush, I didn’t look at the clock. Being out here in the dark, alone and sober, creeps me out so I start speed walking in the direction of home. I can’t be too far away. When I finally get my breathing under control, I hear a ‘BEEP BEEP BEEP’ and it’s getting louder. I spin around as the familiar car pulls up beside me.
The window winds down and I hear JP softly say, “Jump in Tamsyn, I’ll give you a ride home.” I don’t have the energy to argue so I do as he’s asked. Opening the passenger door and sliding in, I keep my eyes directed out the front window not wanting to make eye contact with him. “I’m sorry,” he quietly says, and the pull to look at him has my eyes glancing his way.
“You’ve got nothing to apologise for. It wasn’t your fault.” I let out a sigh. “Maybe I should have listened to you in the first place. You did try to warn me away from him, remember? Guess you didn’t think it would end like this, ” I say, as the tears well up again.
“Don’t pay attention to Tate. He just lost his sister and doesn’t know what he’s doing. He truly cares about you,” he says, trying to convince me but it doesn’t work. I saw it in Tate’s eyes. I heard it in his voice. I’m not what he needs. I can’t heal him of his pain.
“It’s fine JP. It’s better this way. I know what he’s going through. I’m causing him more pain by being near him and it’s the last thing I want to do. Sometimes it is better to take a step back and let things be, no matter how badly you want or need to help. I have to accept that,” I tell him, as he pulls up outside my house and puts the car into park.
“You gonna be alright?” he asks, angling his body towards me.
“I was coping fine before he came along. I’ll learn to cope after he’s gone,” I say, dropping my gaze to my lap. I don’t admit it to JP but I wasn’t coping at all before Tate. Just breathe Tam. Breathe. “Are you going to the funeral?” I ask, as I steady my breathing.
“Yeah, we will probably fly down in a few days when they know more about the funeral arrangements. I didn’t know he wasn’t planning on coming back.” I had gathered as much by the look of shock plastered on his face after Tate’s big announcement.
“Well now we know,” I say, as I open the door and step back out into the night.
“Bye, Tamsyn,” I hear him say, as I drag myself up the path, not wanting to go home but having nowhere else to go.
Grasping the handle, I twist it open and enter the quiet house. I don’t want to wake Mum if I can avoid it so I tiptoe across the wooden floor and up the stairs. Safely in my room, I climb under my blankets and release the hurt I’ve been holding in. Muffling my cries with my pillow, I press it harder against my face the more I let loose. With my irreparable heart breaking, I cry until I’m drained. Letting go of the boy who was helping fix me. The boy who won’t let me return the favour and do the same for him.
The next morning I find dragging myself out of bed is tiring in itself. I tossed and turned all night, thoughts of Tate keeping me awake. I would rather stay in bed all day than go to school but I don’t want to have to explain anything to Mum. With the decision made, I push myself up and out of bed, forcing myself to go to the bathroom and begin my morning routine. Scott and Rafe are due to arrive soon so we can walk to school. I wonder if JP told them what happened. Did he only want to fix me because he couldn’t fix Quinn? Is that what I was to him? A pity project? How dumb was I to think anyone could like me. I’m such a mess. I’m better off alone. Oh my gosh, are the guys only my friends because of Tate? Where does that leave me now? Will they not want to be around me either? No, it can’t have been one sided. He does care about me. I’m sure of it. Dressed in my uniform and ready to leave for school, I sit on my bed, barely keeping myself together. My thoughts run rampant.
“Tamsyn, the boys are here,” I hear my mum call. I’m about to leave my room when I remember I haven’t put Tate’s star in my pocket. I glance at my bedside table where it is hidden in the top drawer. My fingers itch to locate it and place it in my pocket but my brain won’t let me. Sadly, I turn and walk away, forcing myself to leave my room and the star behind. The star that had become my lifeline; a star shining in a sea of darkness, showing me the way like the north star guiding lost travellers. There’s only darkness now, with no light in sight. I can feel myself slipping into the shadows and this time, I don’t know if I have the strength to pull myself out. I needed Tate’s help before. He was helping me to break the surface from which I was drowning. How will I do this on my own? I have to try.
“Tamsyn, you coming bub?” my mum calls louder. She must think I didn’t hear her the first time. Taking a deep breath, I fall back into old habits and plaster on the fake smile I haven’t needed in a while and skip down the stairs to the guys.
“Hey guys,” I say, with fake cheeriness. They stare at me from the bottom of the stairs with furrowed brows. It looks like JP filled them in and they don’t understand why I’m so happy.
“Hi T,” Scott says, as I reach them.
“Let’s get going, shall we? We don’t want to be late.” I don’t want them starting a conversation with my mum so I herd them towards the front door, wanting to get out of the house at record speed. “Bye Mum,” I call over my shoulder, as I push past the guys and hope they will follow me out the door, which they do, after saying goodbye to my mum.
As we fall into line, walking to school, no one says anything and an awkward silence hangs over us. Please don’t let them bring it up. That would be great. But no, I spoke too soon. I’m not that lucky.
“So T, JP filled us in about what happened with Tate,” Scott says. I sigh and turn to them with unshed tears in my eyes. I thought I’d be able to hold it in longer.
“Awww Tamsyn, it’s okay girl,” Rafe says, as he folds me into his arms, making the tears tip over and escape. “Honestly, ignore whatever he said. He’s not in the right headspace. He didn’t mean it. He is crazy about you,” he says, trying to comfort me, but it doesn’t work. The pain was inflicted and it hurts thinking about it.
“And if you, for one second, doubt how we feel about you, please don’t. We care about you as much as Tate does. We aren’t going anywhere. You can’t get rid of us that easily,” Scott tells me. I unwrap myself from Rafe’s embrace and wipe my eyes, pulling myself together again.
“Thanks guys. It means a lot,” I tell them, meaning it from the bottom of my broken heart. I don’t know what I would do without them in my life. I’ve come to care about these guys and I can’t stand the thought of them leaving too. Losing their friendship would sting. We continue walking while the pair of them start cracking jokes. I laugh at the right times and join in when I can but old habits are hard to break. I can feel myself falling back into self destructive patterns. Without Tate’s keen observation skills, who will notice I’m drowning again, unable to breach the surface of the waves crashing down around me? I can only hope I get thrown a life raft.
The day passes in a blur. I don’t pay attention in my classes, finding it too hard to concentrate. At lunchtime I grab a sandwich, my lack of appetite returning, not that it was fully back in the first place. I noticed the absence of JP at school today. I’m guessing we won’t see him until after the funeral. I wonder if Tate has left yet. I push thoughts of Tate aside. Him being gone is like being stabbed in the heart with a hot poker repeatedly, over and over; the pain too unbearable. If I can hold on until tonight when I’m in my room alone, I can let myself break apart in peace, wi
thout anyone to witness how utterly broken I am.
The guys walk me home after school in what will be our new normal for a while. That is, until JP comes back to school. Entering the house, I plaster on the smile I need to get past my mum.
“Have you heard from Tate, bub?” she asks, and the sound of his name is like a whip across my body; sharp and painful.
“No Mum, I haven’t. He was heading back home today for the funeral. I’m not sure when he will be back,” I tell her, acting as though everything is fine between me and him.
“Try not to worry about him, Tammy. He’ll get through this,” she says, as I take off up the stairs, needing to get away from her. I escape to my room, climb under the blankets and let the pain out. As I break, I wish the boy who doesn’t want my help was here to comfort me. In his arms, I find solace and the only peace I have known since my dad’s passing. His arms feel like home whenever he wraps them around me and now, without them, I feel homeless. Thinking about my dad brings on another wave of tears. This grief feels neverending, knocking me back down again when I least expect it.
-- Tate --
I’m on the plane heading home. Home, it’s such a funny word to me now. I don’t know where my home is anymore. I didn’t want to leave in the first place, I was forced to and now, I don’t want to return. Not without Quinn there. How can she be gone?
JP couldn’t look at me when I said goodbye. He’s become a brother to me in the short while I stayed with him. It pains me I have to leave him but I won’t admit it to his face. Tamsyn. I can’t think about her. Thoughts of her are firmly locked away in a fireproof vault, keeping me safe.
I lose myself staring out the airplane window, watching the white fluffy clouds pass by and the sea of blue sky stretching out further than I can see. I wonder if Quinn is out there somewhere, living on the breeze, dancing from one cloud to the next. Before I know it, we are preparing to land then we are bumping along the runway. I drag my feet through the airport and when my mum catches sight of me, I see her fall apart. The tears freely flow down her face as she clings to me. My dad looks at me over her shoulder as I unconsciously hug her back. He looks older now, as if the trauma from Quinn’s situation has aged him greatly, in just a few short months. A couple of months, is that all I’ve been gone? It feels longer, like a whole lifetime has passed. It feels as though I’ve known Tamsyn forever. Funny how time works. My eyes stay dry. The numbness has completely set in now, keeping all of my emotions in check. I can’t let them leak out because then I will shatter and I can’t have that when I’ve only managed to get the duct tape to stick again. Numb is good. It’ll help me survive this. I don’t know any other way.