by Sarah Delany
Blake stares back at him and groans out, “Yep,” because Rafe is applying pressure to his throat. He drops Blake and before we register what he’s doing, he pulls his fist back and hits Blake right in the nose with a crack. Blood starts streaming down his face and I can’t help but feel any sorrow for him. He deserved it. Rafe stands over him so I step forward and place my tiny shaking hand on his arm, gaining his attention.
“Rafe, stop. I’m fine. He didn’t hurt me,” I say to him, as the anger in his eyes is replaced with worry.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asks, and I nod.
“Hey, could you guys get everyone out of the house for me please? I don’t feel like partying now,” Penny says, directing it at JP and Scott. They nod at her and walk out the door.
I hear them both yelling, “Party is over people. Everyone out. Time to go.”
Then I hear JP yell to a group who are whining, “If you have a problem with it, take it up with Blake. The slimeball got what was coming to him.” His comment shuts them up and I can hear them all shuffling out of the house.
“You okay Tamsyn?” Penny asks, wrapping me in a hug.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Rafe roughly picks the bleeding Blake up by the arm, dragging him out of the room to get him out of the house.
“I’m sorry Tam,” Blake murmurs, while holding his bleeding nose in his hands. Rafe stops for a second while I stare at Blake. He betrayed me in the worst possible way and I don’t think I can ever forget that. I need to put him behind me if I want to move forward.
“We are done Blake. We were done from the moment you chose to go behind my back with my best friend. So please, if you cared about me at all, you will leave me alone from now on.” He doesn’t say anything, his glazed eyes boring holes into me so I continue, not sure he got the message. “If you don’t leave me alone, I will inform Rafe and next time, I won’t stop him,” I say, and he visibly shudders as he nods.
“Okay Tam, I hear you loud and clear,” he sadly says, as he lets Rafe continue to drag him out of the house.
“You will leave her alone or you’ll have a constant broken nose,” Rafe threatens him.
Once he’s gone Penny turns to me, “I ran to get the guys when I couldn’t unlock the door. I was so scared. You should have seen them. As soon as I screamed, ‘Tamsyn’s in trouble,’ they came barging through and pushing people over to get to you. I think I need a bodyguard of my own,” she says, as she fans herself and I can’t help but laugh. “He didn’t do anything to you, did he?” she adds, with worry in her voice.
“No, I kneed him in the nuts before he could. Worst he did was slobber on my neck,” I say, shivering.
“Eww, he’s disgusting,” she says, with a wrinkled nose as she wraps an arm around my shoulder, leading me out of the room. Walking down the now lit up hallway, we enter the kitchen where JP is sitting.
“Everyone is gone. We cleared them all out,” JP says.
“Thanks,” Penny says, as her cheeks blossom to pink. “Do you guys want a drink?”
“Yeah, me and Scott will take a beer, please Penny,” JP says to her, and Penny hands him two beers. He passes one to Scott, who takes a seat after he finishes switching on more of the lights. Penny grabs two untouched plastic cups and fills them with half vodka, half juice and hands one to me.
Rafe walks in the front door wiping his hands against each other and says, “The trash has been taken out,” and pulls out the seat next to me to sit down. “He won’t bother you again Tamsyn. If he looks or breathes in your direction, let me know and I’ll sort him out,” he kindly says, hitting my shoulder gently with his own.
“Thanks so much Rafe,” I say, extremely grateful I have the guys as friends. I don’t know what I’d do without them. Penny stands up and starts hunting around in her freezer. Pulling out a bag of frozen peas, she wraps it in a tea towel and passes it to Rafe.
“Here, for your hand,” she tells him, with a small smile. Rafe inspects his hand, flexing it and wincing. His knuckles are red too. He places the homemade ice pack against his hand, holding it in place with the other one.
“You did a lot of damage with one punch,” I say to Rafe, inspecting his hand.
He scratches his head and says, “Umm, I may have taken a few extra shots to his body as I threw him out of the house. Just making sure my message got across.” I shake my head at him, smiling. We all sip our drinks silently, lost in our own thoughts.
“I think I shouldn’t host any parties for a while,” Penny says, as she looks into her half finished cup.
“Don’t let Blake put you off Pen. If you want to have parties here, keep it discrete. Or don’t let in idiots like Blake,” JP says to her, and her cheeks turn from a slight pink to a dark red. I look down at my own cup, hiding my smile at the use of the name Pen. I’ve never heard anyone call her anything other than Penny. I glance her way and she’s looking at me, her smile widening. She’s thinking the exact same thing. She must like the nickname.
“Since the party turned into a bust and it’s still early, do you guys want to watch a movie?” Penny asks us, looking around at the group. The guys stare at me, letting me know it’s my call, as their parents don’t give them curfews or anything. They pretty much come and go as they please. The joys of being a teenage boy, I guess. I glance at the clock behind me on the kitchen wall, and see it’s not quite eleven o’clock yet.
“Yeah, let’s watch a movie. One won’t hurt,” I say, hopping up from my seat. The guys follow as I stumble over to the couches in the lounge. I get sandwiched between Rafe and Scott. JP sits on the other couch, while Penny follows, after grabbing the vodka from the bench.
“Hold up,” JP says, and jumps up, walks into the kitchen and comes back with the remaining box of beers. We all look at him with raised brows. “If the girls are going to keep drinking, then so am I,” he states, and we all chuckle. Penny grabs the remote and sets up Netflix.
“Any requests?” she asks, as she scans through the selection of movies.
“Anything with hot babes is fine by me,” Rafe chimes in.
She stops on a choice and Rafe says, “Yeah, that’s good with me. I should get the final say as I’m the sober driver.” We all laugh and settle in to watch Charlie’s Angels. Penny takes a seat by JP and I peek at her out of the corner of my eye. She’s sitting on the edge of the seat, stiff as can be. JP notices her awkwardness too.
“Pen, move back next to me, you’re blocking the T.V,” JP says, as he slides his arm along the back of their couch.
“Sorry,” she softly says, as she wriggles back against the couch leaving space between them.
“Penny, can you top up my drink please?” I say, handing my drink to Scott, who passes it to JP to hold out for Penny. She fills it up along with her own and then they pass the cup back down the line to me. We all relax and get comfortable as Penny gets up and switches off the lounge light. I slowly sip my drink while getting engrossed in the movie. The last thing I remember is Cameron Diaz holding a bad guy’s throat with her foot and wishing I was a badass like her. If I was, Blake wouldn’t have been able to do anything to me tonight. Those self-defence lessons are sounding like a great idea now.
“Sweet dreams,” I hear, softly whispered in my ear.
“Tate?” I ask, through the hazy fog of sleep and vodka.
I hear a soft sigh and then, “No Petal, it’s Rafe. You’re in your bed now. Safe and sound. Get some sleep.”
“Rafe?” I ask, sighing.
“Yeah Petal?” he replies.
“Why wasn’t I enough?” And as the floodgates open, the tears unleash freely down my face.
“Aww Petal, come here,” Rafe softly says into the dark, pulling me out from under the blankets and wrapping me into his warm arms.
In between sobs I ask, “Why wasn’t I enough for Blake when he had me? He had to cheat on me behind my
back for months. And Tate. Why wasn’t I enough to make him come back?” Rafe squeezes me tightly and holds me together while I fall apart.
“You know what I think? Blake is a total moron and you deserve so much better than him. Don’t give him a second thought, he’s not worth it. Okay?” he asks into the dark. I nod against his chest and he knows I’ve heard him. “I know Tate cares about you. He can’t see it right now because he’s blinded by his grief. I don’t want you to ever think you are not good enough. You are amazing and any guy would be lucky to call you his. So don’t you forget it.” His words slow my tears, and I manage to calm myself down. Rafe lays me back down in my bed and tucks the covers up to my chin, pressing the blanket in at the sides. He says quietly, “Snug as a bug in a rug,” before his weight leaves the bed.
“Night Rafe. Thank you for rescuing me,” I say, before he walks out my bedroom door.
“Any time. Sweet dreams, Tamsyn,” he whispers back, as he leaves the room. I fold my arms around my waist, hoping to hold myself together the way Rafe did moments ago. Luckily the vodka is still swimming in my system so it isn’t long before I drift back to sleep.
Chapter 5
-- Tate --
I don’t know what day it is and I don’t care. I leave my room only to go to the toilet and to eat. I spend the majority of my time in my bed, listening to music and sleeping. My world has been a blur since the funeral. Mum and Dad have tried and failed to get me to leave the house. I don’t have the energy. I’m exhausted all the time. JP and his dad left a few days after the funeral. I won’t admit it out loud but I miss JP. I’ve been a terrible friend and cousin to him. I didn’t say goodbye to him. It’s easier this way. I had to push him and Tamsyn away. They don’t deserve this and they shouldn’t have to deal with my issues. Especially Tamsyn. I ache for her but as soon as it arises, I have to push it down. I can’t feel that way about her now. I’m no good for her. She deserves better than me. I was stupid to think I could help her. I didn’t fix her, I made her hurt worse. As I’m lying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, a text comes through. I grab my phone and open it up.
Rafe: Hey dude. Call Tamsyn. She needs you.
My heart thunders in my chest. I hate hearing her name because it makes me feel. I don’t have the energy to deal with it, but I need to know if she’s alright.
Tate: Is everything ok?
I tap my index finger on the side of my phone, waiting anxiously for his reply.
Rafe: Blake locked her in a room with him at a party.
Before I finish reading the text, I’m ringing Rafe while my heart drums a hole into me.
“What happened?” I yell into the phone, as soon as he answers.
“Hey man, Blake dragged her into a room at Penny’s and locked the door. I don’t know exactly what happened. She wouldn’t say. She did say he didn’t hurt her. She looked shaken up though,” he explains. I can hear my laboured breathing when he stops talking.
“Is she alright? When was this?” I ask. My heart aches because I wasn’t there to protect her from him.
“It was last night. By the time we got in the room, she had kicked him in the nuts and he was on the ground. I broke his nose again so I’m hoping he doesn’t have the nerve to try anything else.” I can hear the anger in his voice coming through the receiver. My blood boils and my misplaced emotions come out as anger at Rafe.
“Where were you guys? Why weren’t you with her?” I yell at him, which I know he doesn’t deserve but I can’t control myself.
“Dude, you’re the one who left her behind. Don’t get mad at me when we are still here, trying to pick up the pieces,” Rafe yells back, and it makes me feel worse because he’s right. I did choose to walk away from her. I have no right to be angry right now.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m just worried,” I tell him.
“She’s drinking more now. And the times when I’ve been with her, she gets so smashed she falls asleep. I’ve got to sneak her back into her house without her mum noticing and get her into bed.” I can’t handle his words, they’re piercing my soul. I’m supposed to be numb but any mention of her and she cracks me in half, making me bleed. This is why I can’t be with her. She makes me feel too much. “And do you want to know the sad part?” No I don’t but my curious mind asks, before my heart can stop it.
“What’s the sad part?” I ask, knowing I won’t be able to handle the answer.
“She whispers your name when I tuck her in, thinking it’s you instead of me,” he sadly says, and my heart shatters into a thousand pieces. Hurting from leaving the only girl I want, but hurting more, knowing I can’t go back to her. I’m not good for her and I don’t want to feel this pain she brings out of me. I need to contain it.
“I can’t Rafe,” I plead with him, hoping he will understand what I’m trying to say.
He lets out a sad sigh before he says, “I didn’t take you for a coward, Tate. I hope you wake up one day soon and realise what a huge mistake you are making before it’s too late. She’s a great girl and she deserves happiness. I know you are grieving for your sister but Tamsyn needs you.” And with that, the line goes dead.
“No, she doesn’t deserve this. She deserves better,” I say into the dead line, and set my phone back beside my bed. Both JP and Rafe have said Tamsyn needs me now but I can’t. I lie back and stare at the ceiling. I wipe the wetness from my cheeks not realising I was crying. Don’t think Tate. Don’t think. I focus on my breathing, bringing it back to a normal level before a panic attack occurs. I turn my numb switch up and push away the girl who I convince myself I don’t need at all. I wish I was smart enough to tell myself how wrong I am.
The next day rolls around and the knocking on my bedroom door pulls me away from my ceiling. Mum and Dad’s heads pop around it, asking if they can come in. I stare at them blankly.
“Tate, me and your mother have been talking. We think it’s time you went back to school,” Dad says.
“I told you, I don’t want to go back and live with JP,” I tell them, frustrated they aren’t listening to me and I’m having to tell them again.
“No honey, you misunderstand. We think you should go back to school here. Your old school,” Mum says.
“I can’t,” I say, looking at Mum, knowing she is the easier one to plead with. Dad moves into the room and sits at the end of the bed.
“Son, you can’t keep going on like this. Quinn wouldn’t want this.” Hearing her name irks me and I explode.
“You don’t know what she’d want and she isn’t here to tell us, so I don’t think she should come into this conversation,” I yell. I’m sick of people telling me what Quinn would want. They have no idea what she’d want or how she’d feel. If they did then maybe she would still be with us and I wouldn’t have to feel like this.
“Fine. Me and your mother can’t handle this,” he yells back, waving his hand around my room. “We can’t have you going down the same path as Quinn.” His last words have me stopping my retaliation and looking at them properly for the first time in a while. Mum stands there, wringing her hands with unshed tears behind her eyes while Dad looks exhausted. I don’t want to cause them more pain.
“Whatever. I’ll go back to school then,” I tell them, accepting defeat. They don’t need to be worrying about me at the moment.
Mum smiles sadly towards me and softly says, “I’ll get your old uniform together honey and you can go tomorrow. No point in putting it off. There’s not much left of the term so it’ll be a good start.”
She looks afflicted so I smile back at her and reply, “Sure Mum, that would be great. Thanks.” She leaves the room in search of my uniform and Dad stands up to leave.
He turns to me as he grips the door and says, “It will be better once you get back into the swing of things.” Then he walks away, closing the door behind him. I don’t know who he’s trying to convince. Me
or him. I lie back down and wonder how I’m going to face the school that holds so many memories of Quinn.
Sleep doesn’t come. Images of scared, blue eyes keep sleep from taking hold. I spend most of the night staring into the darkness. My eyes finally close in the early hours of the morning and before I know it, Mum is knocking on my door waking me up for school. I drag myself from my bed and go to the bathroom to relieve myself. Afterwards I stagger into the kitchen to make up a supersized, strong cup of coffee. I’m going to need a lot of caffeine to get through the day. I make black coffee with no sugar. I don’t find enjoyment in what was once my favourite drink. There’s no point in sprucing it up with milk or sugar either. I only need it for the caffeine hit now, so black will do. I add some cold water so I can gulp it down without having to wait, needing the energy to get ready for school.
I declined my dad’s offer to drive me to school. He probably doesn’t think I will go to school but I’m dressed and walking there, if only to prove him wrong. It’s not like I have anything better to do. The closer I get to school, the more kids I notice walking too. A few I recognise and I instantly see the pity on their faces, they don’t try to hide it. This is exactly what I don’t need right now. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for all the sad looks I will have directed my way today. If I fake being happy, hopefully they will keep their pitying looks to themselves.
I have to go to the school office to sort out my classes as I didn’t start the school year here. I don’t care what classes they put me in. As I enter the gate, I feel the familiar increase of my heart rate and breathe in and out slowly. Being back here without Quinn is making my flight response awaken. I will not let it take hold this time. I need to push through this or I will always be running away. It takes me a few minutes, standing frozen while I get myself under control, before I can continue on. With a slow exhale, I walk to the office, avoiding the stares I knew I’d receive. The school principal Mr. Sinclair greets me as I walk in.