by Sarah Delany
I place the photo in my pocket, wanting to keep it for myself. Hoping she still saw me as her prince after all this time. My eye catches the pink polka dotted book sitting unopened on her dresser. She was always carrying this journal around with her and would get crazy if anyone touched it. She’s not here to get mad now so I hesitantly pick it up and flick through the pages. A splash of red paint has me stopping and opening up to the page. It’s as if she’s guided me to this page, to satisfy a question I never thought I’d get an answer to.
She wrote: I’ve seen Tate roll his eyes at my suggestion for a red door but I want it badly. It will bring some positive energy my way I desperately need. A red door has a few meanings I’ve found. The ones I connect with the most are the fact it signifies a safe place to rest as well as positive and welcoming energy. My greatest reason for the red door though is because it provides protection. Will it protect me from my own mind, I wonder.
This was dated years ago. Was she plagued for this many years with problems she couldn’t handle on her own? How could I not see it? How did I not see she wasn’t coping? She needed me but I was so absorbed in my own life, I didn’t see how hers was going. I flick slower through the pages and stop at a poem which catches my eye. Under the title is her name. Did she write this?
Trapped by Darkness
By Quinn Devereaux
The world sees my shell
But I’m hidden inside
Quiet and shy
Screaming tears that have dried
Voices get louder
And drown out my soul
Until what is left
Is nowhere near whole
I’m tired and numb
From the pain of my voices
I’ve let them take over
They dictate my choices
Cutting me deep
Where nobody sees
Cursing, defeating
They’re so hard to please
Darkness takes over
There’s no end in sight
Consumed by these thoughts
That block out the light
They’re killing me slowly
I’m losing the battle
Knives cutting me deeper
I feel like a hassle
Wanting to sleep
And rewind back the clock
To a happier me
Without a padlock
Trapped in the darkness
With these unshed tears
Only kept company
By what feasts on my fears
Tortured and chained
When will it all end
I’m tired and lonely
Don’t want to pretend
Why can’t the world see
Screams for help behind eyes
That say I’m okay
And other hurtful lies
Caged in this prison
Is a broken me
That wonders how much longer
I can fight to be free
Her words eerily speak to me. It’s as if she’s read my mind in advance and projected my thoughts onto the page. This is exactly how I feel at times. Was she drowning in the same darkness I now use as a comfort to keep me safe? Was it the world or the darkness she was wanting so badly to escape from? These questions plague my mind and frustrate me because I know I will never get the chance to know the answers.
Chapter 9
-- Tamsyn --
It’s Friday, our last day of term one and we are enjoying our lunch outside in the sun. Penny has decided to join our group at lunchtimes now. She would usually sit with whoever she saw first after she grabbed her tray. I’m hoping she has found a permanent home with us because she fits in perfectly. I have caught her and JP sneaking glances at each other when they think no one is looking. She usually blushes from embarrassment after being caught. JP on the other hand, shrugs like it’s no big deal he got caught checking her out.
“Has everyone decided what they are picking for their skills and life lesson classes?” Scott asks around a mouthful of food. I forgot I was supposed to talk to Penny about her choices.
I turn to her and ask, “Penny, did you want to do the self-defence classes with me?”
Her eyes light up as she replies, “Yes. I was thinking of taking self-defence. It’ll be more fun if we do it together.”
“Yay. That’s one class sorted then. How many do we have to choose?” I say to no one in particular.
“I think you pick three because first aid is compulsory. So in total, we have four new classes,” Scott says.
“ I should do the driving lessons. It’s about time I learnt how to drive,” I say with my head hanging low. My dad was supposed to teach me how to drive.
“Nah, we can teach you how to drive. Can’t we guys?” JP says, and there are nods all around the table.
I lift my head and with tears shining in my eyes I ask, “Are you guys sure you have the patience for it?” I’m wondering if I might be better off with a professional driving tutor.
“Yeah, it’ll be fun T,” Scott says, not bringing attention to the fact I’m on the verge of crying.
“Okay, if you guys insist,” I say. “That still leaves me with two classes to choose.”
“What about the Pasta from scratch class? Then you could cook me pasta every day. My mouth is watering just thinking about it,” Rafe says, as he daydreams about filling his stomach.
“Umm no thanks. Maybe you should take it then you can cook for yourself like a grown up,” I say, trying not to laugh. He always knows what to say to cheer me up.
“I can’t. I’ve already decided to pick the observatory trip with the guys. You need to pick one in the section for day trips. There’s pasta from scratch class, observatory, fishing, or helping out at the animal shelter. We’re all stuck doing first aid then I’ve picked mechanics where you learn the ins and outs of a car. For my last choice I chose power tools so I can be a man around the house for the ladies,” he says proudly.
“Is that what you guys are taking too?” I ask JP and Scott.
“Yeah, those are the ones I’m taking,” JP says. Of course he would take the same classes as his best friend.
“I’m going to the observatory because it was my idea. I get sea sick so fishing was out. Like everyone I’ve gotta do first aid and I’m doing the car mechanics course. I’ve chosen building an online blog instead of power tools. Thought it might be a good skill to have in our modern world,” Scott says.
“Ugh I don’t want to do any of those. What else is there?” I ask.
“What about Tots and Toddlers? People bring in their babies and toddlers and you learn how to care for them?” Rafe says.
“Why would I want to learn how to look after babies? You have to have sex to have babies and I haven’t been doing any of that,” I say before I can censor myself, causing Rafe to spit his food all over the table. “Eww Rafe,” I say, wrinkling my nose as the table goes quiet and they all turn to stare at me.
“You have had sex at least once though, haven’t you?” Rafe asks, and I notice they are all waiting for my answer.
My cheeks heat and I reply while looking at the table, “No I haven’t. I’m a virgin.”
“Not even with Blake? You were with him for so long,” Penny jumps into the conversation as curious as the guys.
“Nope. That’s probably why he started sleeping with Leyla because I kept avoiding his advances. It never felt right with him,” I say, and Penny nods. However the guys look at me as if I’ve grown three heads.
“I don’t think I could have gone this long being a virgin,” Rafe pipes in, and Scott and JP nod along with him agreeing. “In fact I don’t know any guy our age who is still a virgin,” he adds.
“Lucky I’m not a guy then, isn’t it?” I say, wishing
this conversation never came up.
A light goes on behind JP’s eyes and he says, “I know one guy who is still a virgin and he is pretty proud of the fact too. He doesn’t try to hide it or anything.”
“Who?” Rafe and Scott nosily ask together.
“He who must not be named,” JP says smugly.
Rafe scratches his head and with a confused look on his face asks, “Voldemort?”
“No, you idiot. Tate,” JP says, looking right at me with a smirk on his face. From his revelation, I know my face is slowly turning the shade of a ripe tomato. Tate’s a virgin too. The bell for the end of lunch goes and I’m lost in my thoughts and no closer to having my life skills classes picked.
I’m sitting in human bio at the end of the day and the conversation at lunch time has me missing Tate. I never would have thought he was a virgin. He was always so confident and sure of himself. I guess you can’t judge a book by it’s cover.
“T,” Scott says, as he nudges me in the arm and breaks me from my thoughts. I turn my gaze away from the empty seat next to me and take the piece of paper he’s handing me. Ms. Chadwick has been talking but I’ve been in a trance staring at Tate’s old chair. I didn’t hear a word she said.
“What’s this?” I ask Scott, as I look over what’s printed on it.
“You need to put your name on the top and tick the three skills and life lesson classes you want to do. Pick one from the day trip and then two others from the main list. Don’t worry about first aid as everyone’s doing it,” he informs me.
“Damn it. I still haven’t decided,” I say, as I read the list. I come across the self-defence class in my scanning so I tick that. Now what else can I choose? Nothing else interests me and since the guys are going to teach me to drive, that’s out. I spot a sewing class so tick that as it might come in handy with fixing up all my baggy clothes. I haven’t been able to gain any of the weight I’ve lost. I haven’t regained much of an appetite which hasn’t helped. I never got around to asking Penny what other classes she was going to choose so I can’t copy her.
“You should pick the observatory trip. It’ll be fun if we all do it together. Penny too. Quickly send her a text while Ms. Chadwick is distracted,” Scott tells me. It does sound like it wouldn’t be too bad if we all went. I hurriedly pull out my phone from my bag and send a text to Penny.
Tamsyn: Hey pick observatory if you can, Scott talked me into it
My phone vibrates practically straight away with a reply.
Penny: Was texting you the same thing as JP talked me into it
Tamsyn: Do you think they planned this?
Penny: Who cares? At least it’ll be fun and we will all be together :)
Tamsyn: Stars are pretty great
Penny: True plus fish guts would freak me out
I quickly put my phone away as Ms. Chadwick comes around, collecting the forms. I tick the observatory and feel satisfied with my choices. Self-defence will protect me, sewing will help clothe me and the observatory will help me to remember to shine. I only wish my green-eyed boy was going to be there with me. I think he needs the reminder more than me.
“Me and Penny are coming to the observatory,” I tell Rafe and Scott with a wide smile and they grin back at me.
“Yay. I’m happy you guys are coming but I was looking forward to eating all the pasta you could have made me,” Rafe says, and his face drops with his lips popping out in a pout.
“Always thinking about your stomach,” I say giggling. I hand Ms. Chadwick my form as she passes our table and I can’t help but glance to Tate’s chair and wonder what he would have chosen, if he was still here.
Chapter 10
-- Tamsyn --
Lately I’ve been feeling lighter. The black cloud usually following me around is smaller and further away than usual. The waves crashing over me only come every so often instead of constantly. The guys and Penny have a lot to do with it. The holidays have gone by fast, with my friends making them more enjoyable than I ever thought they would be. We’ve had a lot of sleepovers at my place over the break with the guys choosing to spend more nights in than out at parties. We did have a smaller party at Penny’s last weekend but it wasn’t anywhere near as crowded as usual. We spent a lot of days out at the mall and went to the movies a couple of times too.
They’ve done their best to keep me distracted but today I’ve ended up down at the dock, thinking of Dad. It’s completely different in the light of day. At night the buildings across the bay twinkle like stars but standing there in the sunshine, I can almost pretend Dad has jumped into the water and will surface at any second. He’d always hold his breath and swim under the surface for a ridiculous amount of time. Closing my eyes I can remember his voice calling me into the water. A hand touches my shoulder and the spell is broken. Twisting around I spot Rafe, all large and real.
“Hey Petal, you okay? I was out for a run and noticed you,” he says, concern dripping from his voice. It’s like a wave leaps out of the bay and hits me. I’m gasping for breath and sobbing because it should be my beautiful boy out here for his run. Why doesn’t Tate need me as much as I need him? I cry an embarrassing amount into Rafe’s chest and he holds me in silence while I let out the pain. When I’ve composed myself again, he walks me home like today was normal, just two friends out for a walk.
I joke and ask, “You haven’t put a tracking device on my phone have you?” It’s the second time he has rescued me from the dock.
His laugh fills the air as he tells me, “It’s my ‘damsel in distress’ radar. The ladies love a knight in shining armour so I gotta stay in practice.” His response makes me laugh along with him. We walk the rest of the way in silence. He doesn’t breathe a word about my breakdown as he walks me to my door. We act as if it didn’t happen.
“Bye Tamsyn,” he says, giving me one of his bright smiles before he jogs away from me, continuing on with his run. I spend the rest of my day in bed indulging in memories of my dad and of Tate. It’s only a few days until school starts back so I make a deal with myself. I’ll give myself today to let it all wash over me then like a wave, I’ll let it flow back out to sea where it’ll stay before it crashes back over me. Even though the waves have started to space themselves further apart, the hurt is still as raw as ever when they do arrive.
The rest of the weekend flies by and now it’s the first day back at school since the holidays. They’ve changed everyone’s schedules so we can fit in our life lesson classes. Everyone in the senior year level has to meet in the school hall this morning so that’s where me and the guys find Penny. We have to collect our schedules. I’m hoping I have at least one of them in my first aid class since we all have to do it. I search through the containers marked W for my last name and pull out my new schedule. So for this term, it shows every Wednesday first period I have first aid, Thursday first period I have sewing and Thursday last period I have self-defence. Taking my schedule, I huddle with Penny and the guys.
“Okay, who has first aid on Wednesday during first period?” I ask them, as they all scan over the papers in their hands.
“I do,” Rafe and JP pipe up, and I hold up my hand for a high five which they both deliver.
“I’ve got Wednesday second period,” Penny says, a lot less enthusiastic.
“Ooh me too Penny,” Scott says, smiling at her and she returns it.
“Awesome,” she says, looking at him and I can’t help but look at JP and see his face drop. I bet he hoped he would be in the same class as Penny.
“Sucks we aren’t together for first aid but we’re both in self-defence, yeah?” I ask Penny, and she nods.
“I didn’t know what else to choose so left it blank. By the looks of it, they’ve put me in sewing on Thursday mornings,” she says, and I get filled with excitement.
“Yay, you are with me because I picked the sewing class,” I tell her and we
laugh together, excited we have more classes together.
“When do we go to the observatory? It doesn’t say,” Rafe says, turning his paper over to inspect the back in case he missed something.
“I think they organise a day for later in the term and we do a day trip,” Scott informs us.
“Cool. Hope it’s a school day. Anything beats being in the classroom,” Rafe says.
“Students, if you’d like to take your seats. I’ll quickly talk to you about this term and then you can be on your way,” Principal Astle says. We all shuffle into a row and sit down. “Welcome back. By now you should have your new schedules in your hands. You will see first aid is compulsory and we’ve split you up into groups which you will stay in for the duration of the term. Next, if you didn’t tick enough boxes when we handed out the options, we have slotted you into a class which has free space. Hopefully it is a skill that will benefit you in the future, or at the very least you enjoy learning. And lastly with regards to the field trip options. We will be scheduling those for a Saturday in the middle of the term. We will update you further when we have organised everything. I’m glad to see you all back in high spirits. I hope it continues throughout the term. Period one is still going so you can go to your classes now. Enjoy your first day back everyone,” he says, as he walks away from the microphone dismissing us.
We all say our goodbyes and walk off in different directions. I walk with Penny and Scott to English. At least the term is starting on a high note. Let’s hope it continues.
Wednesday morning rolls around quite fast. Since school started back, I feel like the week has flown by. Today we have our first aid class so Jp, Rafe and I walk together to the hall to get started. As we enter, there are about twenty other kids in the class with us. Two paramedics stand in the centre of the hall, surrounded by all sorts of equipment. I didn’t realise they were getting proper professionals to do these lessons.