by Sarah Delany
“Have you heard from Tate, bub?” she asks, still not knowing he said he wasn’t going to return.
Deciding to finally fill her in I say, “Umm Mum, he’s not coming back. He said he wasn’t going to return once he left.” I drop my head in disappointment after hearing it said out loud.
“Aww bub, are you sure he won’t change his mind?” she asks, hopeful.
“No Mum, I haven’t heard from him properly since he left so I think he’s made it clear,” I say, failing to keep my emotions in check as they leak out, making me raise my voice.
“Well, I’m sorry to hear that. He was a lovely boy. You know what it’s like to lose someone. It’s not easy, give him time to find his feet. With the way he looked at you, I’m sure they’ll lead him back to you,” she says, and I choose not to answer. I could do with a subject change so I distract her by telling her about the skills and life lessons we are going to be participating in over the next few weeks. This occupies the rest of the drive home. I’m thankful she can be easily distracted sometimes.
It’s late by the time we arrive home. I’m still full from lunch so I tell Mum I’m going to have an early night then climb the stairs to my room. Flopping onto my bed, I grab the remote and scan through Netflix to find something meaningless which I can drift off to sleep to. I haven’t checked my phone since we left the house hours ago. If I’m being honest with myself, I’ve been too scared to check it. Scared because I know if he didn’t text, I’ll be disappointed and if he did, I’m worried what it might say. I drag my phone out of my pocket and turn the screen on. My heart skips a beat as there’s a text icon flashing. When I open it, disappointment floods through me for a second as it’s not the name I wanted to see. It’s from Penny.
Penny: Hey wanna hang at mine one day this week?
I can’t help but smile. I’m grateful I have Penny. The guys are great and I love hanging out with them but sometimes, a girl needs girl time.
Tamsyn: I’d love that. In desperate need of girl time.
Penny: Yay :)
With our plans sorted, I lie back and click on the first movie I come across. I don’t care what it is, I’m using it as a way to keep my mind off other thoughts for a while. In particular, any thoughts of Tate. The movie finished a while ago and I’ve been lying here not able to sleep. As my eyes get droopy and I’m finding it harder to stay awake, I hear the familiar ‘DING DING’ of an incoming text. Sleepily I stretch out and grasp my phone from beside my bed. Noticing the name on the screen has me feeling wide awake and alert. Tate’s name stares back at me from the glowing screen. My heart is pounding in my chest. I don’t know if I’m ready to hear what he has to say. I don’t think my heart could handle him pushing me away again. I’m unsure how long I sit, staring at the screen, unable to open his message. Be brave, Tam, I think. I can’t ignore it now, can I? I click on the message and hold my breath as I read.
Tate: Hi
Okay, that’s not what I was expecting but I can deal with this. Maybe he’s as nervous as me.
Tamsyn: Hi
I reply and wait anxiously for what he will say next.
Tate: Can’t sleep?
Tamsyn: No. Was taking me a while to fall asleep tonight. You?
Tate: Same
I snuggle down into my bed and pull the covers up, as I tightly hold my phone in the dark. Taking a deep breath in, I decide to follow my advice and be brave. So here goes.
Tamsyn: What’s keeping you up?
I stare at the phone, waiting for his reply. It’s not instant like the other replies. Is he debating whether to text me? I eagerly open the message when it pops up.
Tate: You
I hold my breath as I continue with my bravado and reply.
Tamsyn: Why am I keeping you up?
Tate: My friends told me I rang you last night but I don’t remember any of it. Worried about what I said
Tamsyn: You didn’t say anything embarrassing, if that’s what you’re worried about
Tate: I’m scared to know what I did say
Tamsyn: You were upset about Quinn. It was mainly about her. I just listened.
Tate: The guys said you contacted JP to tell them to find me. Thanks
Tamsyn: It’s not a big deal. That’s what friends do right?
Tate: Do you still think of us as friends?
Tamsyn: The best of friends
Tate: :) Night Tamsyn
Tamsyn: Sweet dreams, Tate.
Chapter 13
-- Tate --
I lie back on my pillows, staring at the text messages from Tamsyn. Gosh I miss her. I didn’t think I would miss her this much. I don’t know what I said to her last night because I was too scared to ask her to be specific. I wonder what I said about Quinn. I’m too much of a coward to ask, in case it rips me apart. Did I reveal my inner most thoughts to Tamsyn? Did I confide in her how I’m feeling? These questions will go unanswered because I can’t ask her to tell me. I’m too scared of what my drunk self revealed.
Xander picks me up Monday morning for school. As much as I tried to push Tamsyn out of my head, she lingered in my thoughts the rest of the weekend. Xander gives me a knowing smile when I get in the car. Now he knows about Tamsyn, he will never let up until I tell them about her. I’m not sure I’m ready for that.
“Don’t mention her because I’m still not ready to tell you guys,” I quickly tell Xander, before he can start asking any questions. His face drops because I ruined his plan to bombard me with questions about Tamsyn. Lucky I got in first.
“Fine,” he says grumpily, as he pulls away from my house, driving us to school. I want to change the subject so I think of anything I can use to distract him.
“So are you and Claudia a thing now?” I ask smiling, and I see the hint of a smile tug at his lips as he shrugs.
“I don’t know man. It was fun hooking up with her but I am not keen for the cooky dooky, wacky dacky, cray cray stuff the chick is into.” His reply has me bursting out laughing. The motion feels foreign and I can’t remember the last time I full belly laughed like that. Xander openly stares at me. He must be thinking the same thing, as he smiles brightly at me.
“It’s nice to see you smile man,” he says softly, and I understand the meaning behind his words. If I can’t remember the last time I’ve smiled, I’m sure my friends can’t either. We drive the rest of the way with him filling me in on all the other crazy things he’s heard Claudia is into. It keeps a genuine smile on my face the whole ride to school.
My happiness is short lived. I didn’t think it would last, not with me being in a permanent state of grief but it’s the most unlikely thing that rids me of my happiness. Pierce catches up to me in between classes as I’m walking to my maths class. He looks flustered as he rushes towards me.
“Dude, we have a problem,” he quickly says, pushing me into the nearest classroom. Thankfully it’s empty.
“What’s the matter?” I ask, stumbling backwards and managing to catch myself before I fall on my ass. He runs his hand down his face and looks at me with pity, dripping from his eyes.
“Avery is the matter,” he replies.
“What has she done now?”
“Umm, it’s not so much what she’s done. It’s what she’s insinuating you’ve done,” he says, as his eyes tighten with tension. My stomach drops because when it comes to Avery, I’ve learnt it usually isn’t anything good.
“Spit it out,” I tell him, annoyed because Avery is causing stress in my life I don’t need. His head drops towards the floor as he mumbles something incoherent. I don’t catch anything.
He peeks up at me nervously and I raise my brow at him saying, “I got none of that. Try again.”
He lets out a defeated sigh and then slowly tells me, “Avery took pictures of you when you were passed out with her at the party.” As his words sink in, I feel the b
lood leave my face, thinking the worst.
“What pictures?” I desperately ask.
“I haven’t seen them but from what I’ve heard, it looks like you two were getting it on. It’s as if she wanted proof this time,” he explains, and I try to filter through my thoughts, trying to drum up any memories from that part of the night but it’s still blank.
“Damn it. I can’t remember anything. You’re sure I didn’t hook up with her, aren’t you?” I ask him, hoping he knows the truth.
“I was outside the room when you came barrelling out of there. You were desperate to get away from her and called her a bloody psycho. She was in her bra though and a few people saw. You know that’s all the ammunition people need to start gossiping. They rarely care if it’s true, as long as it’s juicy,” he explains, as I rub the tension out of my neck I feel starting to build up.
“Why can’t she leave me alone?” I say, more to myself than Pierce.
He replies with, “Guess she can’t get enough of the Tateman.” I stare at him unimpressed but then his wide smile takes over his face and I can’t help the smile creeping up on mine.
“You’re such a dick,” I say, shaking my head. “And don’t call me that. Man, I can’t believe we thought those nicknames were cool,” I say, with a chuckle.
“Well, Tateman is way better than P Man. I got the short end of the stick.” We look at each other and throw our heads back laughing.
“Where’s Xan man?” I say, and it has our laughter continuing.
“Could we have been any dorkier?” Pierce asks, wiping the happy tears from his eyes.
“Verdict is still out on you two I think,” I say, smirking and I get rewarded with a light punch to my shoulder.
“Very funny,” he says.
“Okay, back to more serious matters. What are we going to do about Avery?” I ask, hoping he has a plan to deal with her.
“I wanted to give you a heads up so you didn’t get blindsided by it. Me and Xander are trying to find out how bad the pictures are and then we will go from there,” he tells me. I nod in thanks, knowing he would have my back.
“Let’s hope we can contain it. This is the last thing I want to deal with right now,” I say, giving my neck another squeeze trying to release the tension I can still feel.
“We got you man. I’ll see you at lunch.” He sticks his closed fist out for me to bump so I oblige and then he leaves to hurry to his class. The ones we are both now late for. I stand alone in the silent class for a minute. My deep breaths are the only sound in the room. My mind starts feeding me the worst possible outcomes those pictures may possess and it’s nearly more than I can bear. I grab the handle of the door and with determination, I keep the thoughts at bay, striding to my maths class. I know I’ll get in trouble for being late but I have more important things to worry about at the moment.
For the rest of the morning, I ignore the few glances in my direction. It isn’t until lunch time I run into Avery. She comes bounding up to me with her slicked back highlighted ponytail, swishing behind her. Her face looks like the cat who got the cream. She’s bursting with excitement, thinking she has me cornered in whatever game it is she’s playing. What she doesn’t know is, I’ve changed drastically and I think she underestimates me or she doesn’t know the person I am anymore. I don’t think she ever did. I could care less about her drama and how she’s trying to drag me into something I want no part in. It makes me more annoyed than anything else.
As she steps closer she lunges for me, wrapping her arms around my neck and says loudly, “Hey Baby,” for the whole cafeteria to hear. I keep my arms pinned to my side, hoping she will get the message and remove herself from me but she doesn’t. I unlink her arms from behind my neck and pull them down, placing them by her sides and take a step back. If she wants a scene, she will get a scene.
“I’m not your baby,” I say, so everyone can hear. I want this over with so I don’t have to deal with her anymore. The room goes quiet and everyone is zoned in on our encounter. She smirks at me thinking she has me where she wants me.
“That’s not what you were saying at Jax’s party,” she coolly says, tilting her head to the side, staring at me. Watching. Waiting. I scan the room searching for Pierce and Xander. I haven’t seen them since this morning so they haven’t been able to fill me in on what they have found out about the photos. I step in closer to her and lower my voice, so less people can hear.
“Avery, be very careful about what you do next. I’ve lost my patience when it comes to you,” I tell her through gritted teeth.
“When are you going to realise I’m the only girl for you? I won’t give you up so easily,” she says, smiling at me with the fakest grin on her face. How did I ever think I could like this girl?
“No you aren’t, Avery. I don’t want you,” I tell her straight, hoping she will get the message.
With her smile still firmly in place, she bounces up on her tippy toes and whispers in my ear, “Well little miss blue eyes isn’t going to want you now.” After delivering her cryptic message, she turns on her heels and walks out of the cafeteria. Little miss blue eyes? What does she mean by that? A few seconds go by and then the whole room is filled with people’s phones getting notifications. I can feel the dread wash over me. I don’t know how she’s done it so fast but she has sent the photos to the whole school. My phone dings a second later. I pull it out of my back pocket and my stomach drops for a second time. I’m staring at the photo Avery must have taken. Avery is in her bra, her skirt is hiked up around her waist, with me underneath her. My eyes are closed, there’s a slight smile on my face and my hands are on her waist. I have to admit it doesn’t look good at all. I look up from my phone and everyone is staring at me. I feel my laboured breaths beginning so I run out of there before I have a panic attack in front of everyone. That’s the last thing I need.
I race out of the doors and nearly bowl over Pierce and Xander who look as shocked as I am.
“Did you get the photo?” I ask them.
“I did,” Xander says, wincing.
“My phone is still missing. I lost it at the party, but Xan showed me the photo,” Pierce says.
“Damn it,” I say, running my hand down my face, wishing I could rewind time and not go to the party. The guys look at me with faces as wrecked as I feel. This is the last thing I want to deal with. “I’m gonna head home for the day,” I tell them, wanting to be alone.
“Don’t let her win, man,” Xander pleads.
“I’m not. I just need to be alone,” I tell them. “I’ll catch you guys later,” I say, turning my back on them and walking down the hall towards the main exit. Lost in my head, it isn’t until I’m standing in front of her grave, I realise my feet have led me to Quinn. I sink to my knees and let the tears flow freely and mourn for my other half. The person I desperately need right now. My numb switch has momentarily broken and all the emotions I’ve kept pushed away, flood through me and it physically hurts my heart. It stabs me, cutting me in half.
“Quinny,” I say, crying out for her but knowing it’s useless. Thoughts of her green eyes and blonde hair invade my mind. This time I let them be and accept all the thoughts of her, rushing to the surface. In this moment I let myself break and feel the pain of her loss consume me. When I feel my breathing increase, I mentally force myself to control them, focussing on the exhale. I hate being out of control. I need to get a handle on these panic attacks, they can’t keep controlling me. I stay on my knees until my breaths calm, then I shift to sit on my butt and draw my knees up, staring at the semi fresh grave. The dirt has lowered but is still rounded. That’s how I stay for the rest of the day. Staring at the dirt of my sister’s grave, feeling numb again after all the pain has emptied and my tears have run dry. All the pain I’d held in tight has been unloaded and now I’m an empty vessel. I know it won’t be long until the pain refills again, seeking for another
release. I can only hope no one is there to witness it when I unleash it.
Chapter 14
-- Tamsyn --
The guys pick me up for school on Monday as usual. As we are walking into school, JP grabs me by the elbow, halting my steps. Rafe and Scott turn back to see why we’ve stopped but JP gives them a head nod and without a word, they keep walking, leaving me alone with JP.
“You alright, JP?” I ask, not knowing why he’s stopped me.
“I was going to ask you the same thing,” he says, looking down at me with concern. I let out a sigh as I realise what he’s referring to.
“I’m fine, really. Tate texted me,” I tell him, and I can’t help the smile creeping across my face.
His mouth drops open and eyes widen as he says, “What? When?” in disbelief because Tate contacted me. I start walking away knowing he will follow me. I don’t want to be late for class.
“He texted me the other night. It was mainly to ask what he said when he was at Quinn’s grave,” I tell JP, hoping he will drop it.
“Is that all?” he asks, suspiciously.
I feel my cheeks heat up as I say, “I think we are still friends. I’m hoping he will keep texting now.”
He lets out a frustrated sigh of his own, saying, “I’m surprised he texted you sober. I don’t want you getting your hopes up Tamsyn. We both know he’s not in a good headspace. I don’t want you getting upset if he disappears again.” I slow my steps and face him. Seeing the worry lining his face, I place my fake smile on my face. I had become so accustomed to it in the past, I find it easy to revert back into old patterns.
“I’m honestly okay JP. Don’t worry, I’m not expecting much,” I lie to him, but I’ve perfected this facade so he believes it. The only person who saw through my fake smiles isn’t here to call me out on it anymore. I hope if he completely disappears again, my heart has recovered enough to take the hit. JP stares at me for a second longer then nods his head, accepting what I’ve said as truth as we turn to go our separate ways.