by Sarah Delany
I hope you are fighting the darkness.
Love, Quinny xx
She wrote this to herself? My stiff grip on the journal loosens and it drops to my lap. I swipe at the wetness covering my cheeks. My poor Quinny. Why did I not see how much she was hurting inside? I wish I had listened to her more. I drop my head into my hands and let my tears fall freely. Her words cut me. The words hit a nerve, it’s like she was talking directly to my soul. Why do I connect with what she’s written in this book?
I’ve been feeding the darkness inside me, using it to keep myself numb. It’s twice now Quinn has mentioned darkness and her version isn’t something I want to deal with. Why did she have to lose her struggle with it? I would have fought it for her, if I could have. Does she know that, wherever she is? Does she know I would have done anything to save her? Tremors shake my body as the pain is unleashed. Everything I’ve contained is released. It’s as if yesterday spent crying at her grave wasn’t enough of a release. How much pain is held inside of me? When will I have let enough out to stop the tears?
Her words echo in my head. Stop the darkness taking hold, persevere, don’t give in. It’s time I take her advice. My sister’s words can’t be in vain, can they? Did she put them there to save me? Does she want me to learn from her mistakes? Can I manage to pull myself out of the darkness? Sparkling blue eyes trickle through my mind and I hold the image in my head. Is she the light I need to hold on to? Is Tamsyn the key to unlock my cage?
Gathering the book up, I gently slide it back under my pillows and lie down, curled on my side. I think that’s more than enough insight into Quinn’s mind today. Thinking of Quinn brings a fresh wave of tears and I let it out, taking my twin’s advice. I see now how easy it is to hold the darkness in and keep it to yourself but I’m only feeding it this way. Isn’t there a famous quote by Martin Luther King Jr where he says, ‘Darkness cannot drive out darkness; Only light can do that.’ He’s right. I need the light to help me through this dark storm of grief I’m going through.
I lie there wrapped in my thoughts. I pushed Tamsyn away, thinking she was hurting me by making me feel too much but is it possible that’s what I needed? I needed to let the hurt and pain out and she forced it out of me, when I thought I knew better. Was she the light all along? I couldn’t see it through my grief because I wasn’t thinking clearly.
I sit up, with my epiphany swimming in my head. I miss Tamsyn so much. Should I reach out to her? She lost her dad so she knows what it’s like to lose someone. I think I’ll give it another day before I text her. I’ve had enough of an emotional outlet for today. I snuggle back into my bed and push my thoughts down, closing my eyes to get some sleep. All the crying has left me exhausted.
I wake later and my room is darker than it was earlier. I throw back the covers and swing out of bed, feeling a fraction lighter than I did this morning. As I stagger to the kitchen I spot my mum bent over the stove, inspecting something in a pot. She must hear me because she whips around with a small smile, lifting the corner of her mouth.
“Are you hungry honey? Dinner’s almost ready,” she says, and I glance out the window to see the sun is indeed setting and nightfall is closing in.
“I didn’t realise I slept so long,” I say to Mum. She turns to me, her smile laced with tension.
“You probably needed it.” Does she know I haven’t been sleeping well since Quinn died? Is it the same for her?
A voice in my head sings, ‘Reach out,’ and I force myself to say, “I haven’t slept great since Quinn died,” while looking at the table. I hear Mum’s soft steps towards me and then she’s wrapping her arms around my shoulders. I return her hug and squeeze her tight.
We stay wrapped in each other’s embrace for a while before she says, “Me too, honey. Me too.” I hold her a bit tighter, knowing we both need each other more than ever. I haven’t talked to my parents about Quinn and they don’t force me to talk to them. Maybe that’s the problem, we need to talk about her. Holding each other for a while, the sound of our breaths is the only thing we can hear. I slowly loosen my grip on Mum and she does the same, walking back over to her pot.
I stand up, follow her steps and ask, “Do you need a hand? What’s for dinner?” My questions are rewarded with a bright smile.
“You can cut the tomatoes up if you like?” she says, and I nod. I grab some tomatoes, place them on the board and start cutting.
Turning my head over my shoulder I softly say, “I love you, Mum.”
Her eyes glisten at me with unshed tears as she says, “I love you too.” With a small smile on my face, I go back to cutting my tomatoes, feeling a lightness in my soul.
Chapter 16
-- Tamsyn --
A throbbing head greets me on Tuesday morning. I peel my eyes open to locate my phone. My wretched alarm is poking holes in my brain. I dismiss it and quickly check but there are no new texts. I throw my head back against my pillow, wishing I knew what those photos meant. No matter how much I tell myself not to worry about them, I can’t help it. My brain has a mind of its own and it’s running wild. I need to distract myself from thoughts of Tate so I text Penny. Girl time is what I need.
Tamsyn: Hey chicky, hang out after school? Need girl time x
I leave my phone on my bedside table and drag myself to the bathroom. I swallow down a couple of paracetamol for my headache and jump in the shower. I close my eyes and let the warm water wake me up. I need all the help I can get today. Wrapping myself in a towel, I check my phone once back in my room and Penny has replied.
Penny: Yay. Can’t wait :)
With a huge smile on my face, I have a new vigour to carry me through the day. I get dressed quickly and have enough time to grab a slice of toast on my way out the door to meet the guys. I don’t think my stomach could handle coffee right now so I go without.
As I slide into my seat in the back, JP gives me a knowing smile through the rear view mirror.
“How are you feeling today Tamsyn?” he says, failing to hold his smirk back.
I roll my eyes at him as I reply, “Just peachy,” and can’t help but return his smile. Rafe looks between us, raising his brows.
“Did I miss something?” he asks, his head snapping back and forth.
“Nah, nothing bro” JP tells him. He mustn’t have mentioned last night to Rafe which has me smiling inside. It’s nice to know I can rely on these guys to keep my secrets from everyone, even each other.
“I don’t need a ride home after school. I’m hanging out with Penny,” I inform them, so they don’t wait for me.
“Ugh, I hate missing out when you guys have girl time,” Rafe says, pouting as he raises his fingers to make imaginary speech marks when he says girl time, like it’s a bad thing.
“If you like I can paint your nails and braid your hair some time Rafe,” I say, giggling behind my hand.
“You’ll have to find a colour to suit my complexion,” Rafe says, playing along. “It may have to be tiny braids too. My hair isn’t as long as yours,” he says, winking at me. With a full heart, I push the thoughts of Tate away and surprisingly manage to enjoy my day.
As me and Penny sit on her couch gossiping about other people at school, I build up the courage to ask her opinion about Tate. She wasn’t at lunch with us yesterday as she was in the library working on an assignment. I’m not sure if the guys shared the photo with her either.
“Hey Pen, the guys didn’t mention the photo of Tate to you, did they?”
“No, what photo?” she asks, looking up from painting her toenails an aqua colour. I cringe as the image pops into my head but I’ve already broached the subject. I better continue otherwise she will hound me until I give in now.
“Umm it was of Tate and there was a half naked girl on top of him,” I cringe, because it sounds worse coming out of my mouth. Penny’s angry gaze snaps to me.
“
What?” she roars, screwing the lid back on the nail polish and putting it on the coffee table. Her feet stamp the carpet as she sits up straighter giving me her full attention. “Who had it?”
“I caught JP showing Rafe and Scott at lunch yesterday,” I tell her, wringing my hands in my lap. “They tried to hide it from me. They didn’t want me getting upset.”
“Tell me exactly what was in the picture,” she demands, so I explain exactly what I saw. I tell her how the photo showed Tate with some beautiful girl in her bra, straddling him and him smiling. She moves to my side and puts her arm over my shoulder.
“Have you asked Tate about it?” she asks, quietly.
“JP said he’d tried contacting him yesterday but Tate’s phone was off. I was too much of a coward to try myself,” I confess.
“How’d they get the photo in the first place?”
“One of Tate’s best friends sent it to JP,” I tell her, and she leans back, her brows creasing in the middle of her forehead.
“Well, that’s weird,” she says.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s weird. Tate is crazy about you. Anyone with half a brain could see he was. His best friend must know that. So why on Earth would he send the photo to JP, knowing you might potentially see it? It would hurt you and hurt Tate. It doesn’t make sense. Unless he’s not a very good friend?” she rambles, without taking a breath.
“The best friend sounded nice when I spoke to him,” I tell her.
“When did you speak to his best friend?” she asks me, and I visibly cringe again because I haven’t told her about the other night. I didn’t think it was right to break Tate’s trust and tell anyone about him being at Quinn’s grave.
“Umm the other night. Tate rang me while drunk. Long story short, his friend came on the phone and he sounded like a good friend,” I tell her, biting my nails.
“What are you not telling me?” she quizzes.
“That’s Tate’s business. Tate needed help and the friend was good about it. I don’t think he would send the photo knowing it would hurt Tate,” I tell her.
She claps her hands, “There you have it then. If you don’t think the best friend did it to hurt Tate, then there has to be more to the story. I’d say wait until you hear from Tate before you start cutting him out of your life,” she says, winking at me. She’s right. The photo came from Pierce and I don’t believe he’d do anything to hurt Tate, not after I heard the way he was with Tate. Especially when he was having his panic attack. There’s gotta be more to it. But it still doesn’t explain the photo. Something clearly happened. Girls don’t magically appear on top of guys. I push my worries aside and try to enjoy the rest of my time with Penny.
-- Tate --
Lying in bed Tuesday night, I decide to be brave and face whatever is waiting for me on my phone. Turning it on, I’m bombarded by an extreme amount of notifications. I wait until they stop to see if there’s anything important. I scan through the messages and instantly delete ones from Avery without looking at them. Nothing from Tamsyn is in my inbox. There’s a few missed calls from JP, Rafe and Scott so I open JP’s messages to see what he was calling about. As I read his messages, my heart skips a beat and cotton wool blocks my ears.
JP: Bro you need to stop talking to her half arsed and man up
He sent this one Monday morning. I must not have seen it before I switched my phone off. Pierce said it was JP who called him and told him where I was. Obviously it was Tamsyn who told JP, so of course he knew I’d talked to her. Did she mention the fact I’d texted her as well?
JP: What the hell man? What’s this photo about?
My heart sinks as I realise they have seen the photo.
JP: Why’s your phone off? Get back to me when you get this. Tamsyn has seen it
JP: Are you hiding because you’re guilty?
JP: I really hope you aren’t hooking up with random chicks to make yourself feel better.
JP: You can’t just be there when it suits you. Friends are there all the time and you two were more than friends. If you can’t be real with her then leave her alone
JP: Either drop it and let her go on with her life or come back. What you are doing is tearing her to pieces
I quickly read through Scott and Rafe’s messages too and they are more or less the same. They’ve all seen the photo and they can see how affected Tamsyn is by it. They are all forcing me to either choose her or let her go completely.
My heart throbs at the thought of letting her go. How I ever thought I could live without her is beyond me. I wanted to take another day before I contacted her but I don’t have time on my hands now. I hate to think what thoughts have been running through her head after seeing the photo. The big question is how the hell did they get the photo in the first place?
I dial JP and wait.
“Where the hell have you been? I’ve been texting and calling you since yesterday bro,” he yells into the phone.
“Sorry man, I turned my phone off. Needed a breather,” I say, already dreading this conversation.
“What’s up with the photo man? Who’s the girl?” My head drops to my chest knowing it’s the same photo I’ve been avoiding since yesterday.
“How did you get it?” I ask.
“Pierce sent it to me. So explain it bro because Tamsyn isn’t saying much but I know she’s hurting.”
“Pierce sent it?” I ask, confused.
“Yeah, he sent it yesterday at lunch time,” he says as my mind filters back. I remember running from the cafeteria when Pierce said he hadn’t seen the photo because he lost his phone.
“Nah it wasn’t Pierce. He lost his phone so someone used his phone to send it to you,” I say, not understanding why someone would do that.
“Why would someone send me the photo? The only person who would get hurt by seeing the photo is Tamsyn,” he says, and my brain clicks into place.
“Did you ever text Pierce about Tamsyn?” I hurriedly ask, and I hear JP sigh.
“Yeah I did. The night after you went to Quinn’s grave. I texted him to say Tamsyn was worried about you so I asked if you were okay. He replied asking if she was the girl you were seeing while you were here and I said yes,” he explains.
“Anything else?” I ask.
“He asked what she looked like so I sent a photo of Tamsyn to him. Why? What’s going on?”
“Damn it. It was Avery. She must have Pierce’s phone. She mentioned something about little miss blue eyes which I didn’t understand at the time. It makes sense now. She was talking about Tamsyn,” I tell him.
“Who’s Avery?” he asks.
“She’s the girl in the photo. She was a friend of Quinn’s and we were hooking up for a brief time but I called it off when she got too full on. Now she thinks she can get me back.”
“Is the photo true though? Did you hook up with her?” he asks.
“No. From what Pierce said I was drunk out of my mind and she dragged me into a room. Then Pierce said I came storming out of the room, telling him to keep her away from me,” I try to explain.
“You don’t remember?” he asks.
“No. I was out of my mind drunk, man. It happened the same night I ended up at Quinn’s grave and rang Tamsyn. I don’t remember my conversation with her or how I got to the cemetery,” I sadly tell him, and he stays silent for a minute.
“Are you sure there isn’t any truth to the photo?” I let out a breath and close my eyes.
“I don’t know man. I feel like I would know if I’d gotten with her. She’s hell bent on messing things up for me right now,” I say, angrily.
“What are you going to say to Tamsyn?” he asks, letting out a sigh. I know he’s worried about me hurting her more.
I want to get to the bottom of this now so I say, “I’m gonna go get the truth from Avery okay? I’ll call you later
,” I say in a hurry.
“Okay bro, talk soon,” he says, and the line goes dead.
I don’t want to wait for answers, not now I know this whole situation is hurting Tamsyn too. My only thought now is fixing things with her. I never wanted to cause her pain and I won’t let Avery of all people tear my Sweetness down. I slip on my shoes, chuck on a sweatshirt and yell out to Mum and Dad to let them know I’m going out for a run. When my feet hit the pavement, they take me a few blocks over to Avery’s house.
I knock harshly on the familiar door then step back and wait. Avery’s little sister Annie answers the door, greeting me with a huge smile.
“Tate,” she squeals, throwing herself at me. She was always hanging around Avery and Quinn and would get dragged over to our house a lot.
“Hey Annie, is Avery home?” I ask, setting her back on her feet after I give her a small squeeze.
She turns over her shoulder and yells, “Avery, Tate’s here.” I hear the quick footsteps of Avery racing to the door. A giant smile ignites on her face once she sees me.
“Tate! It’s so good to see you,” she says, as she tries to hug me but I step back and her smile drops.
“Annie, can you give us a minute please? Avery, can I talk to you outside please?”
Both sisters say, “Sure.” Avery steps out of the door and Annie steps back in, closing the door behind her.
“So have you come to your senses?” Avery asks, in what she thinks is a seductive voice.
“Cut the crap Avery. I know you’ve got Pierce’s phone and sent my cousin the photo. Hand the phone over.” Her eyes bulge and I see the vein in her temple sprout to the surface. The vein clued us in when we were younger that she was about to go nuclear. She crosses her arms over her chest.