by Maya Daniels
“What are you talking about?” I frown at her. I relax a bit since she pulled her energy away.
“If need be, you will see the woods, so you can stop here shortly if you need a safe place for the time. Remember to stay at the edges of the woods, and not venture within. I can’t guarantee your safety if you decide to walk around my plane. I was expecting you this time but not any more, not for a while,” she says cryptically. Great! More mind games.
“Will do, and thank you…for everything,” I add.
“I will not come with you, but Rajah will. Follow him and he will lead you to the caves. Close your heart before you touch those lanterns, or you’ll have a battle I’m not sure you’ll win if the flame touches it. And good luck. Remember to let go of the hot coal so you don’t burn yourself. I will see you again, witchling, when the time is right.”
I’m about to open my mouth (as usual, as if I can keep it shut) to ask questions, but it freezes slightly open because the woman standing in front of me starts changing. The breath gets stuck in my lungs as I watch the transformation, and my mind is so blank that I start hearing buzzing in my ears. She is an old lady with a long white braid, wrinkled face but in good shape. As I watch, the illusion disappears. She doubles in size, then triples. Her skin darkens from ivory to ebony black. Her head rounds and expands, as well as her body. Multiple legs sprout from it and stretch out on both sides as thick as my torso. Her smile that was gentle turns sinister and sharp pincers glisten in the moonlight, bringing chills to my soul. I stare at her. My eyes are round and as big as the moon looking at the huge spider looking down at me, and I start gathering fire in my palms to fight when I finally make eye contact with it. The same amber eyes are looking down at me. It gives me pause and I’m startled when I hear her voice in my head.
“Now, don’t be so surprised, witchling. Who did you think I
was? Who else can feel the ripples in the web if not the one that weaves it?”
I’m still dumbstruck and I just stare up at her with my mouth hanging open. I don’t think I even took a breath, to be honest. At least my mind isn’t blank anymore, because like a broken record on repeat, the words what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck… play nonstop. I hear her laugh in my mind and I shiver from the sound.
“Fear is crippling, don’t let it in. Things happen for a reason, and it’s up to you to find the lesson in it, or the cycle will repeat. There is no good or bad, just the same frequency on opposite sides of the spectrum. They are all part of you, so no need to be afraid. Wield them both and you’ll be whole. Without either, you will break and with it, so will your strand in my web. Damn shame would that be. Go now and heed my warnings.”
With that, she turns around and fluidly disappears like she was never there. I’m still dumbstruck. Really, what do you think you’d do? Apart from screaming and running for your life. That occurred to me too, but I was too shocked to breathe, let alone move. Now that she’s gone, I slowly drop to the ground and stare at the spot she occupied two seconds ago. The weaver of the web of life! And I argued with her! She could cut my strand of life and I would be no more. I actually acted like an ass, not just argued. Now I have just one question in my mind. How the fuck am I still alive and, more importantly, why?!
7
I shake myself from the shock, wasting precious moments that I could’ve used to move closer to the mountain pass. The Goddess is too kind, since I’m still breathing. I can dwell on the ramifications of my encounter later. I look across the field at the orchard, then the mountain behind it, and dread fills me. I need to keep my shit together if I’m going to do this right. What did Azalea say earlier? Close my heart? Good luck with that! I’ve been wearing the damn thing on my sleeve my whole life. I knew it’d cost me my life eventually. Well, according to Remi, it has cost me my life, many times, but who’s counting, right? Okay, I know what I’m doing. I’m stalling. Just as I’m about to get up, an idea strikes me. I’ll call on Inanna. I’m sure she’ll have some words of wisdom to spare before she loses her vessel. Well, I hope so, anyway. I close my eyes and call on her. I open my heart and wait to hear her voice that is like balm to my soul now, but nothing happens. I try again and again with no luck. I need to know how to close my heart without making a mistake. Otherwise not only will my rescue mission fail but I’ll screw up myself. I’m her vessel. If anything messes me up, I’ll doom everyone around me, and maybe the entire human race. Having no luck connecting with her, I decide I’m going to summon her. Well, don’t judge. If you can think of something better, speak. No?! I didn’t think so. I settle calmly in a lotus position and take deep breaths while I place my open hands palm up on my knees. When I feel centered, I start.
“I invoke you, Mother of darkness!
I invoke you, Mother of night!
Let your angels of inspiration open my heart,
Let your angels of courage fly inside.
I shall make a golden cradle
To make a place for courage.
I shall make a golden fire
To warm courage inside.
I shall put my hands in your lap
For you to bless and use.
I shall put my heart in your lap
To be caressed by your blessing hands.
To grow courageous with your use
To put high purpose in my heart.
Inanna, Lady of the Evening Star,
Inanna, Lady of the Morning Star,
Study my words.
May courage dwell inside my soul,
As you have dwelt in the Great Above.
May the courage dwell in my soul,
As you have dwelt in the Great Below.
May courage dwell in my soul and in my destiny.
Make it so,
Make it so,
Make it so!”
As I finish my invocation, I still myself for her, take a deep breath, and start repeating with a clear voice:
“Shem-Ham-Forash!”
I keep repeating it until I feel power sizzle my skin. My whole body relaxes in recognition of the Great Mother. I want to throw myself at her feet and weep. Her power always makes me feel this way. I slowly open my eyes to see her gradually appear in front of me, and I smile as I watch the shimmering slowly solidify. She is standing sideways, dressed in a black flowing gown made of soft feathers, her shoulders bare, head bowed down like she’s deep in thought. Her dark hair is pinned messily around her beautiful face, gently moving in the breeze with a golden glow behind her that looks like a halo around her head. Her huge black wings rustle gently as they unfold when she starts turning towards me. I have tears running down my face from how beautiful she is; she takes my breath away. I watch silently, holding my breath as she lifts her head and looks around to see where she is. Then those midnight eyes that hold galaxies in them turn and rest on me. As I start smiling at her, she frowns and releases such a loud screech that my ears pop and I can’t hear anything apart from the ringing that accompanies the sound. I freeze. What the fuck?
“Are you not sane to summon me here, Alexia? What possessed you!” she yells angrily.
I can’t say a word because of the dizziness I feel. I hear the yelling in my mind, so I think she may have broken my eardrums with the screech. Great! That’s all I need, to go deaf now before I get out of this damn realm. Fucking gods and their stupid attitudes.
“I can’t hear,” I say simply and point at my ears with a finger in case she didn’t know that we use ears to hear. Now I want to slap myself. I swear, I’m an idiot sometimes. I don’t know why I did that, I guess it’s a reflex like when you ask what time it is and you point at your wrist even if you’ve never worn a watch. Thank fuck no one points at their crotch when they ask if they can use the restroom. Can you imagine?!
“You can talk to me as usual in your mind.,” Her voice echoes in my head prissily but she waves her hand and the sound of everything around me returns with a whoosh.
“I have a reason to summon you, it’s not like
I do it because I have nothing better to do. Maybe I should’ve tried Lucifer instead,” I say defensively, and I regret it the same second when I see her narrow her eyes at me. I swear my mouth will get me killed eventually by those who are helping me. Who needs dark wizards, huh?
“What does he have to do with this?” she asks.
“I’m in one of the Dark Realms…” I start to explain but she cuts me off.
“I know exactly where you are, just like Tomorith already knows I’m here now. Did you not think there is a reason why we all have our own realms? Like we don’t have rules or laws we must follow?”
The anger I’ve been holding at bay ever since my conversation with Azalea earlier bubbles up like molten lava, and I don’t think—or see, for that matter. Everything is colored in a red haze.
“Do I, at this moment, look like I could give a fuck what any of you need or follow? Think again, Mother!” Spit flies out of my mouth at the last word. I feel like I’m possessed and can’t stop myself, even if it means she’ll kill me right here, right now. My entire body shakes from the intensity of my emotions, and I rise off the ground to face her, my hands clenched at my sides.
“While all of you play mind-fuck games with your riddles and puzzles, people I love are suffering, so all of you get your goals and priorities straight. I’m walking up there,” I shove a finger up, pointing at the mountain in the distance, “so I can take one of those fucked up creepy lanterns because that’s the only way I can get my sisters out of those caves. Azalea said I have to close my heart before I touch it or I’ll have a battle on my hands inside myself that I cannot win, whatever the fuck that means. I figured you’d want to shed some light on the matter before your vessel got fucked up.”
My voice rises with each word spoken, so I practically screamed that last part. It felt good at the time, but now that it’s out, the anger depletes and dread fills me at the thought that she’ll just flick her wrist and take my life without a second thought for the insulting way I spoke to her. Suffice it to say that I’m embarrassed of myself for daring to do it.
“Azalea who?”
“The weaver of the web of life,” I tell her, looking at the ground.
“What? She showed herself to you now? What did she say?” she demands.
“That is all you heard from what I said? That’s all you care about?” Tears prickle the corners of my eyes. No one cares if my sisters live or die or even if they suffer. My heart hurts from the thought.
“Stop the pity party, Alexia, it does not become you. It’s important to know what she said to you. On second thought, to try to fix this mess for me being here, I will merge with you and carry the lantern. At least I’ll see what happened earlier from your thoughts.”
Before I can register what she says, she spreads her wings and with one big whoosh enters my body. She literally flies into my being! I stumble on the impact but luckily I regain my balance and don’t fall on my ass. Well, fuck! It’s the same feeling as sleep paralysis. My entire body freezes like it’s not my own. I feel it, but I don’t. I don’t know how else to explain it. Then I’m pushed into the background of my own mind and like a vision, I’m watching my body twist this way and that, my shoulders rolling. My head moves and now I’m looking down at my arms. I see through my own eyes like I’m looking through a curtain. What a weird feeling. To be, yet not to be. Maybe Shakespeare knew what he was talking about. I hear her laugh in my mind. I guess there’s enough room for both of us in here.
“I’m happy to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor, love.”
“I wasn’t trying to be funny,” I tell her honestly while I watch her test my body like it’s a new suit she just bought. Awkward.
“Let’s go get your lantern before I let you deal with the rest on your own. I see Azalea, as you call her, has given you sound advice,” she says thoughtfully and (she? I??) we start walking and exit the barrier at the edge of the woods.
I stay quiet, and if I could feel my body, I would tense up as I know my feet are walking across the opening through the tall grass towards the orchard. Slowly, the feeling returns to my body, yet it feels like everything I’m touching or smelling is through gloves. I’m hoping this won’t last long; it’s weird enough to drive a person insane.
“So I just stay quiet and let you do what you need to do? I don’t know what you expect of me. We’ve never merged like this before.”
“Just surrender, love, I mean you no harm, only trying to help. As soon as we have that lantern, I’ll leave and you will have full control again.”
I can feel that she’s hiding something from the way she talks to me, but I stay quiet because I know I need her help. It makes me feel a little better when we start walking through the orchard and she doesn’t even notice the pull from the silver apples. Luckily I’m not in control, because the feeling is much stronger now. I also notice how my body moves. She’s much better at the wheel than I am, obviously, because I can feel it moving gracefully like a cat, passing trees, moving left then right, more fluidly than I ever knew I was capable of. I guess it’s not a joke when they say people can tell if you’re comfortable in your own skin by the way you carry yourself. Judging from this experience, obviously I’m still not one hundred percent comfortable, while she’s as comfortable in my skin as she is in her own. While I’m thinking about stupid things like how my body is moving, we reach the bottom of the mountain. Looking up, I see the end of the line of wizards still climbing up.
“What the hell? How many of them are there? It’s been hours since they chased me and captured Faith.”
“Time moves differently in different realms. You know this,” she informs me like I’m a child.
“Yes, I know. With everything going on, I didn’t even think of that.”
“Stop resisting the merge, love, I’ll let you have as much control as I do now. I’ll take over when the need comes. Let’s do this.”
I can hear her excitement as well as her wariness, and I start wondering if this was a good idea. What’s all fun and games for the gods can be awfully detrimental to the rest of us mortals. That brings me to another thought. Am I still mortal after burning myself to ash and coming out alive? I guess I’ll think about that later, after everything is done.
Without another word, I shake my hands loosely next to my body just to make sure I have control over it. The path is very narrow going up and steep, too, so I'd rather not fall and break my neck to test my theory about my mortality. Even when I feel I’m myself again and can move my own body, the idea that there are two of us in here is still strange. What has my life come to, huh? I start walking up with brisk steps. The sooner I get close to them, the sooner all of this will be over. Well, I hope it’ll be fast, anyway. It takes me no time at all to close in on them and I slow my pace. It would’ve been difficult to do it in the dark if it weren’t for the huge moon lighting my way while walking up. I’m so grateful for it that! I lift my face up for a second, close my eyes, and let her energy flow through me.
“Speed up, love, no time to mingle here,” Inanna’s voice echoes in my head.
I start walking again, keeping an eye on the last cloaked figure so I don’t get too close, when I remember her words from earlier when I summoned her. A chill runs up my spine at the thought and I shiver slightly.
“You said earlier that Tomorith already knows you’re here. Doesn’t that mean they’ll be expecting us?” I ask and then I shake my head at myself. “It’s not like they won’t expect me anyway. When they captured Faith, we were loud enough. I’d be surprised if the entire realm didn’t hear us, so I guess it doesn’t matter,” I finish gloomily.
“I’m hoping he’s still as arrogant as ever and thinks I left the moment I merged with you. He likes to fool himself into thinking he is as strong as the gods because we can’t be bothered with him and his realm, so we let him be,” she says, irritated. “Well…we couldn’t be bothered with him, I should say, but now he has my full attention. Something is not right
here. I feel it and I need to know what that is. I will not let that poor excuse of life force interfere with the plans I’ve set in motion. I’ll flay the skin he has left on his bones.”
She spits those last words out with such venom that I shiver. Is my anger that I can’t keep at bay affecting her? My heart speeds up like it wants to escape my body from the thought. It makes me feel faint. What I felt earlier, creating scenarios of what I would like to do to Enlil if I could bring him back, freaked me out because, apparently, I’m as big of a monster as those cloaked figures walking in front of me. If it’s having an effect on Inanna…What can’t a goddess do with so much anger?! I think I’m starting to hyperventilate. Please, oh sweet Goddess, don’t let it affect her. And now I want to laugh at my stupidity. I’m praying to her so she’s doesn’t get affected by the blackness in my heart. Yup, still rings true. For an intelligent woman, I can be pretty stupid at times. I get zapped out of my thought by her energy and look up to see I’m almost close enough to touch the cloaked monster I followed, so I stop short and take a few steps back. Huh! It’s nice to have a warning signal before you do something stupid. I could’ve used it many times in the past.
“I’m not your subject, Alexia, so don’t even consider committing this stupidity again, summoning me like I’m your puppet. I’ll flay your skin as fast as Tomorith’s for that,” she growls.
There is no mistaking the warning in her voice, so I keep my mouth (or thoughts, I should say) shut. I stop at a bend on the path and I lean my back on the rocks to make sure that if anyone turns around, they won’t see me. The whole time I’ve been following them, my heart has been heavy from looking at the barren mountain with not even one little weed on it. Nothing. Just dry dead soil and rocks. I don’t even feel it. It’s dead. Everything vibrates, everything is in constant movement and you feel the life connected to yours if you pay close attention. Not here, not this mountain. It’s like walking through a void. While I was moving, it didn’t feel this bad, but now that I’m standing still, I feel the deadness of it, reaching its tendrils inside me, gripping and squeezing as if it wants to extinguish the life from my soul. It feels crippling and I find it hard to breathe. I need to keep my mind occupied before I start freaking out. I know Inanna will not allow that. Right? I hope I’m right. Looking up, I realize I’m almost at the top of the mountain and there are rocks jutting out where my back is pressed to the dead surface. Turning around slowly so I don’t slip off the narrow path, I press my belly on it and reach up to grab the closest rock to me to use as a foothold. I’ll climb on the side and see what’s going on. Inanna is so quiet, leaving me to myself, I start wondering if she decided to simply leave and let me screw myself up, expecting her help that will not come.