by Jim McCarthy
The negative impact of not forgiving is huge. “When we think about a hurt, our body reacts as if it is in danger and activates what is known as the fight-or-flight response. The body releases chemicals … known as stress chemicals,” explains Dr. Luskin. “What is unfortunate is that your nervous system cannot tell whether the danger you are seeing is occurring now or ten years ago. Your nervous system responds the only way it knows how whether you have thought about a problem once or twelve hundred times.”9
So how exactly do you “forgive”?
Forgiveness Practices
You cannot change your past. But you can change how you think about it, especially with respect to forgiveness, which can be a hard thing to achieve. Luskin suggests the following approaches to forgiving:
Take a hurt less personally. Realize that you’re not the only one who goes through this sort of challenge. Understand that the world did not owe you anything different anyway.
Take responsibility for how you feel. Don’t let that other person dictate how you’re going to feel right now. Luskin notes, “There is great danger in giving people without your best interests in mind power over you.”10
Become a hero rather than a victim in the story you tell. Your mantra can be, “Look how I courageously bounced back from such a tough situation! I’m more resilient and confident than ever!”11
Dr. Luskin also describes a way of reframing your hurt, which I’ve personally found extremely effective. He calls this the “HEAL” method. I’ll give you an example from my Yahoo experiences.
H is for Hope. I hoped that I was going to do great in my role as international product manager for Yahoo, and I would have perfect working relationships with my supervisors and all of my international colleagues.
E is for Educate. I understand and accept the reality that I am not perfect, managers are not perfect, international rollouts can be extremely messy, organizations are not perfectly functional, and people do not always communicate perfectly. Even if I do a phenomenal job, I realize that my work may not be fairly recognized and rewarded.
A is for Affirm. I affirm to be the best product manager that I can be, and recognize that the most valuable learning often comes when things do not go the way I wanted them to.
L is for Long-Term Commitment. I make a long-term commitment to do my best at work, which includes respectful communication, excellent organization, and the wisdom to solicit support from management rather than fight political battles on my own. I realize there are always setbacks in any long journey.
You’ll notice that this statement focuses on areas I control and skills where I can improve. So instead of obsessing over the injustice of being put on a 30-day plan, I take ownership for my role in the situation and use it to get better in my career.12
Here are some additional ways to forgive, recommended by the first motivational speaker who touched my life — the late Dr. Wayne Dyer:
Take responsibility for your part. It does not make sense that the other person is 100 percent to blame and you had zero percent role in the problem. You might even legitimately conclude, “This was 50 percent my fault, because I was too nice and did not set proper boundaries.” As a good Nebraska boy, I was raised to think that “nice” works in every situation. But over time I’ve learned that I need to appropriately assert my interests, or else I’ll be badly taken advantage of.
Be kind instead of right. Throughout my life, I’ve sought to know what is right, do what is right, and make sure others know what I think is right. But I’ll have less conflict if I let others freely disagree with me. There are times that I argue with my wife on a point, and I know that I’m 100 percent factually correct. But in the long run, I don’t need my wife to think, “Wow, my husband was 100 percent right on that point!” I need her to feel, “Wow, my husband is a wonderful man.”
Send love. Dr. Dyer suggested this response: “I end on love, no matter what!” His approach encourages you to visualize yourself putting a peaceful end to the disagreement. For me, I find it helpful to not have the last word in an argument. It’s amazing how an argument fizzles out once I stop talking.13
A formal forgiveness practice can help make forgiving second nature. In Chapter Twelve, we discuss the many physical and mental benefits of meditation. Here, we look at a forgiveness practice, courtesy of the wise teacher, Jack Kornfield.
He describes a “forgiveness meditation” in three directions, which I summarize as follows:
1. I have harmed others, for many reasons. I remember these times. I feel the sorrow that I still carry. “In this moment, I ask your forgiveness.”
2. I have also hurt myself, in many ways. I remember these times. I feel the sorrow that I still carry. “In this moment, I offer myself forgiveness.”
3. Others have harmed me. I remember this, and still feel these sorrows. “To the extent that I’m ready, I forgive you … I release you. I will not carry the pain of hating you in my heart.”14
When I was doing a personal retreat at the remarkable Esalen Institute in 2018, I met someone who was attending a meditation class there. We started talking about forgiveness, as we watched the ocean waves crash upon the rugged California coastline. He suggested the following, which you can say repeatedly in your head: “I forgive myself. I forgive you. Please forgive me.”
The ocean gradually wears down a rocky coast.
Forgiveness gradually softens a hardened heart.
Since I incorporated these phrases into my daily affirmations, I’ve felt some pain and anger toward others wash away. It’s an ongoing practice, but I feel good that I’m heading in the right direction. It’s a lot more pleasurable than reinforcing the same pain over and over.
I asked my wife about forgiveness. On our first date, I was amazed at how positive and kind she was, despite the fact that she had undergone trauma, heartbreak, and loss throughout her life. Some of her advice was:
Realize that this other person taught me a lesson. It may not have been a fun lesson, but it was a worthwhile growth experience, from which I’m stronger and wiser. I now know myself better and understand others better as well.
Have compassion for the other person. My wife said, “Most people are not evil. They are just lost.” She tries to understand what events might have formed this person in the first place.
And, at the risk of gloating …
Living well is the best revenge. It’s glorious to realize that this other person has failed to destroy me or my happiness, despite how much they may have tried.
Somewhat along these lines, we can quote the delightful Oscar Wilde, who quipped, “Always forgive your enemies — nothing annoys them so much.”15
Reaching Out for Forgiveness
Doing any of the above forgiveness practices (or “attitude adjustments”) might give you all the peace of mind that you want and need — without ever contacting the person you’re angry at. But in certain circumstances, you might benefit from actually making contact.
I once ended my relationship with a very good woman, with whom I had lived for a few years. The breakup was hard for me, but it was devastating for her.
A couple of years later, after I had spent several months in psychological therapy, I realized that I needed to ask her to forgive me — whether I deserved it or not. I contacted her, and she agreed to meet me face-to-face in a café on Fillmore Street in San Francisco.
She was very gracious in accepting my apology. I was relieved to learn that she had already moved on in her life and was happily dating another man, whom she later married. In the weeks after this important meeting, I noticed that I was much more at peace with myself. As a result, I was in a far better emotional state to start dating again. I had learned to forgive myself for my hurtful actions, and I had learned to ask for forgiveness as well.
But what about if you’re the one who’s been wronged? Even if you logically underst
and that “holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die,” what can you do? What should you do?
Here’s one approach: Forgiveness advocate and Holocaust survivor Eva Kor suggests that you write a letter exploring all of your feelings related to the event. “It might take you four months … or even a day. It depends on how quickly you can work through the pain you have been carrying around. No matter what, your letter is not finished until you can write ‘I forgive you’ at the end, and mean every word you say. You don’t even have to send your letter to anyone — it is for you.”16
In those situations where reaching out to the other person feels right to you, I encourage you to do so. Maybe you drop them a letter in the mail, send an email, have a phone call, or even suggest that you two meet for coffee.
As the Serenity Prayer reminds us, there are things we control, and things we don’t. So regardless of what the other person says to you, you control your actions, you take responsibility for your feelings, and you can eventually forgive them — for your own sake.
Writing Activity 25:
A). What are three things from your personal life that still upset you, but which you can’t change?
B). What three things from your work life?
I remember asking this question in a happiness workshop in Washington, D.C. A father and daughter came to the event together and shared their answers during the one-on-one pairing. It turns out the daughter was still very angry at some decisions the father had made. Later, they told me that having that conversation was an important first step in their healing.
In leading my workshops, I’ve found that participants sometimes have trouble coming up with answers if I ask them, “What do you need to forgive?” But if I ask about what upsets them, they can quickly make a long list of people, events, or circumstances that make them angry. Some things they have direct control over, such as where they work or where they live. Other things they have no control over, such as the fact that terrorist attacks killed a lot of people on September 11, 2001. And other events they might have once had control over, but they don’t anymore, such as where they attended college.
As you look over your list of people, events, or circumstances, how can you apply the forgiveness practices we’ve discussed in this chapter?
How can you use Dr. Luskin’s approach to reframe your thinking and become the hero of your story? How can you use his “HEAL” method to get a healthier perspective?
How can you take Wayne Dyer’s advice to be kind rather than right?
How can you use Jack Kornfield’s forgiveness meditation to forgive yourself and others who have harmed you?
How can you use journaling as a therapeutic way to process your emotions, so that eventually you may write, “I forgive you”?
And finally, would it ever make sense to reach out to the other person directly?
Forgiveness is one of the hardest things we undertake as humans. It’s also one of the most rewarding.
Forgive and Build Your Resilience
Forgiveness gives you the opportunity to reframe what has happened to you. It’s an excellent way to break the cycle of playing the same sad soundtrack in your head, ad nauseam.
Instead of “That never should have happened,” it’s, “Well, of course bad stuff happens all the time. Why should I think that bad stuff would never happen to me? In fact, I’ve been lucky in my life overall.” (For more on Gratitude, please see Chapter Fourteen.)
Instead of, “I’ve been undermined and weakened and harmed,” it’s, “I’m courageous, resilient, and will get better because of this. I always bounce back!”
Instead of, “I’m the victim in this story,” it’s, “I’m the hero in this story, because …”
Instead of, “They’ve ruined my life,” it’s, “My life right now is fine … no matter how much they’ve tried to ruin it.”
These are essential roots in growing resilience — your ability to recover from difficulties. As the great French painter Georges Braque beautifully said, “Art is a wound turned to light.”17
Think of resilience as an emotional muscle that you can strengthen through practice, no matter your age.
Dennis Charney is a researcher as well as the dean at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine. He wrote Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges with Dr. Steven Southwick of Yale Medical School. Dr. Charney had been studying resilience for 25 years when he himself experienced trauma and had to apply some of the lessons of his life’s work to his own recovery. To build your resilience, Charney and Southwick recommend:
Practicing optimism. With effort, you can always see the glass as half full. It’s helpful to hang out with other optimistic people.
Supporting others. Yes, it helps to have family, friends, and community who watch out for you. But consistent with the research we saw in the section on Longevity, you can boost your resilience by giving support, not just receiving it.
Taking stress breaks. You can increase your capacity to deal with challenges, but nobody benefits from non-stop stress. As such, it’s important that you get relief by meditating, taking a walk, or spending quality time with a friend.
Going out of your comfort zone. Exposing yourself to new, challenging situations will help you get used to them.18
I’m not a very good singer. In fact, my wife would say I’m a horrible singer! But I love karaoke, because it forces me to get in front of a bar of drunken strangers and sing. So far, nothing terrible has happened to me while doing my best Mick Jagger or Amy Winehouse impersonations. I’ve had a lot of fun. And, as a result, I’m quite calm and confident when I need to deliver a TED Talk or lead a master class. In comparison to singing “Rehab,” they’re easy!
A Mindset for Resilience and Growth
Another researcher who has done pioneering work on resilience is Stanford University Psychology Professor Carol Dweck. In her groundbreaking book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, she defines a fixed mindset as “believing that your qualities are carved in stone.” In contrast, a growth mindset “is based on the belief that our basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts. Although people may differ in every which way … everyone can change and grow through application and experience.”19
She notes, “The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.”20
In other words, the growth mindset drives what we often call “resilience,” “tenacity,” or “grit.”
How we think about our experiences is critically important. How do people develop the growth mindset? According to Dr. Dweck, people with the growth mindset believe that “Intelligence can be developed. [This] leads to a desire to learn and therefore a tendency to embrace challenges, persist in the face of setbacks, see effort as the path to mastery, learn from criticism, and find lessons and inspiration in the success of others. As a result, [growth mindset people] reach even higher levels of achievement.”21
Having a growth mindset helps us respond skillfully to life’s inevitable challenges. It means that we can embrace these challenges as an opportunity for growth. This conscious willingness to adapt can also help us take events as they come. The ability to know when to “go with the flow” can be called “equanimity.” We explore that next.
Chapter Eleven:
Embrace Equanimity
In Chapter Seven we discussed the Serenity Prayer, in which a person asks for “the wisdom to know the difference” between what a person can and cannot change.
But how can you “know the difference” in the first place?
Sometimes it’s hard to even know if you should be happy or sad about something. The best approach might be to know that you can’t
know. Here are two stories to illustrate my point:
On February 19, 2014, Facebook announced that they were buying the start-up WhatsApp for a total value of $19 billion dollars, making this an astonishingly large acquisition of a five-year-old company with only 55 employees.
What fascinates me is that both of the cofounders of WhatsApp — Jan Koum and Brian Acton — were earlier rejected when they applied for jobs at Facebook back in 2009. (Acton was also rejected when he applied to Twitter that same year.) I would imagine that both Koum and Acton were disappointed when Facebook did not hire them.
But this “bad news” for Koum and Acton led directly to something that turned out to be far better. If Koum or Acton had gotten hired by Facebook in 2009, it’s hard to imagine that either one of them would have ever been able to do anything as impactful by working within the company. Five years later, they had delighted a couple hundred million consumers, and built a wildly successful business — WhatsApp.
The reality of Koum and Acton turning defeat into victory reminds me of “The Farmer’s Luck” story. It’s the tale of a farmer in China, long ago. One day the farmer’s only horse runs away. All of the farmer’s neighbors say, “Oh, what bad fortune!”
The farmer merely replies, “Perhaps. We’ll see.”
Then, the next day, the farmer’s horse returns to the farm with a wild stallion. Now the farmer has two horses.
“Oh, what great fortune!” the neighbors say.
“Perhaps. We’ll see,” replies the farmer.
Then, the farmer’s only son needs to tame the wild stallion. In the process, the son is thrown off the horse, and the young man breaks his leg.
“Oh, what bad fortune!” all the neighbors say.