by Jim McCarthy
What did they suggest that Chris do to get better? Mindfulness meditation! Interestingly, they never called it “meditation.” Instead, they called it “breathing exercises” — probably for the same reason that my first meditation class was called “Relaxation Techniques.” I’m happy to report that Chris has started implementing a variety of meditation techniques into his life, which have helped him reduce his anxiety, improve his outlook, and get more sleep. They also helped him reconsider whether he needed to stay in that job, or move on to something potentially better.
An Easy Meditation Practice
Earlier we talked about the “extremely hard/maybe kind of impossible” way of trying to meditate by clearing your mind entirely for many minutes. Now, I’d like you to practice a much easier, more effective way to meditate — in a way that you cannot fail.
One of the simplest instructions I know is from Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk. A passage on his website describes the breath as “a faithful friend,” and suggests that we recite:
“Breathing in I know that I am breathing in.
Breathing out I know that I am breathing out.”17
Adding to this, I warmly invite you to:
Sit or lie down however is comfortable to you.
Notice your breath.
Notice any physical sensations you experience, without judgment or pressure to make anything different.
If you notice your mind drifting off, you simply acknowledge this fact, and let go of it, without trying to make anything different. Return to your next breath.
Next is an example of the longer “invitation” that I use in my master classes. As you read, you can imagine you are following this guided meditation:
Sit or lie down however is comfortable to you.
Give yourself the gift of being here, now.
Allow your eyes to shut, if you’d like.
It’s very normal that your mind is bouncing all over the place for a while. That’s OK. Welcome this, accept it, and just notice what your mind is doing.
Let yourself notice your breath. Notice the sensation of inhaling. Maybe it’s the cool air touching your nostrils. The sensation of the air passing down your windpipe. The movement as your breath fills your abdomen.
Then simply notice how you exhale. How does the breath leave your body? What movement do you feel? What sounds do you hear?
Simply continue, noticing how your breath breathes itself.
Feel how your body responds with each additional breath. Just this breath, breathing in. Just this breath, breathing out. Each breath is new. Each breath is unique. Each has its own time, its own sensation.
After a while, you’re welcome to simply notice any physical sensations you may have. Can you smell anything? Can you taste anything? If your eyes are closed, do you notice any color or images at all? If your eyes are open, what do you see?
What sounds do you hear? How might they be changing? What is your sense of touch? Your feet on the floor? Your seat on the chair, or your body on cushions or on the floor? Can you sense your clothes touching your skin?
Do you notice the movement of your shoulders? Are you twitching or shifting? Does something itch?
You have no need to judge or suppress anything. You have no need to choose anything.
It’s OK to notice, without judgment or thought. However you are doing it is fine.
You have no need to change anything either. Simply accept what is, right here and now. There is no need to have an opinion.
You don’t need to think about the past, or the future. Just notice this next breath. And this next one.
When your mind wanders, just kindly notice that, and bring your attention back to this next breath. Let go of whatever you were thinking about. Let that be. Then let this moment be here, too.
You’re welcome to gently end your meditation whenever you want. You can slowly stretch, yawn, or do whatever else feels natural.
How was that experience? What did you feel?
While you were sitting there, your blood pressure went down a little bit. Your heart rate slowed a little bit. Your stomach secreted slightly less acid. In a small but powerful way, you experienced the physical and mental benefits described earlier.
Many people in my master classes look very calm and relaxed at the end of our initial five-minute meditation. Some say they’re surprised that the time went by so fast. Others are glad that I “guided” the meditation, to bring their minds back to the next breath, as their attention had wandered.
I remind participants that it’s OK if their mind was racing the whole time. That’s actually quite normal. There are days when I lie down and meditate, and my mind is all over the place. But I don’t panic — I simply notice, “Wow, I have a lot going on in my mind today,” and return to that next breath.
Jack Kornfield, the meditation teacher, likes to remind us that this is called a mindfulness practice. If you play the violin, for example, you were probably lousy the first time you tried to play. But you kept on playing — and practicing — until you got better.
Meditation is similar. You will probably suck at meditation the first time. And subsequent times. But as long as you continue your practice, you will get better at it. More important, the process itself helps you build useful physical and mental skills.
How does that work? Physically, meditation is often the only time of the day when you allow yourself to notice sensations in your body. Most of us are so busy running around, stressed out, that we hardly notice that our left knee hurts, or we’re feeling run-down, or we feel weak and hungry. But through meditation, suddenly you have a chance to directly experience your anatomy, and simply pay attention to what is. Your body will talk to you, if you’re willing to listen.
Lots of times, people will say that they feel very sleepy during meditation. (I get these comments regardless of whether I lead the meditation at 10:00 in the morning, 3:00 in the afternoon, or 8:45 at night.) I reply by saying, “Yes, that makes complete sense. And that’s your body telling you … that you need more sleep. Or more coffee. Or healthier food. Or more exercise. Or you need to work less. Or you need a vacation. Or all of these things.”
Mentally, meditation allows you to notice the chaos that is your awareness most of the time. One meditation teacher said to me that often during the first 10 minutes of meditation, “your mind is just clearing its desk.” You think about things you need to shop for today. You remember that email from your friend, which upset you two weeks ago. You think about your next vacation, and related decisions you need to make. You think about your kids.
But eventually, your mind settles down a little. You’re able to keep your attention on your breath a bit more. You start developing the mental skill of letting go of what happened before, and ignoring what might happen in the future, and just opening to the possibility of this moment, right here.
Meditation’s Immediate Benefits
Do these meditation benefits sound lovely, but a bit abstract? Actually, they’re very practical.
Imagine you’re at work, and you’ve just gotten off of a very frustrating phone call. You glance at your watch and see that you’re late for your next meeting, which is with the team that you lead.
You could simply storm down the hallway, walk into the conference room where your team is waiting, and turn your frustration on them — even though your anger is at the person on the phone, not at the people you manage.
Clearly, this is not a good way for you to earn your team’s respect.
Now, imagine this alternate scenario, but with the benefit of a mindfulness practice: You are still frustrated as you get off the phone. As you walk down the hallway, you notice how upset you are. You feel the heat from your face, and the tension in your neck and jaw. Your stomach is tight. Your breath is short. Your mind is filled with hateful words toward the person on the pho
ne. You might even be getting angrier as every second passes.
But instead of rushing into the next meeting with your group, you step aside in the hallway, stop, and breathe deeply.
Inhale. Exhale.
Inhale. Exhale.
Yet again: Inhale. Exhale.
Last time: Inhale. Exhale.
How long did that take? Go ahead, try it out right now — about 15 or 20 seconds? That’s all the time you would need in order to let go of the unpleasantness of the phone call, so that you can be present, mindful, and relaxed. By developing this response, you’ll be able to understand that when you’re stressed, your team gets stressed. And you’ll see that when you’re relaxed and creative, your people are as well.
Later you might have to return to the issues from the phone call — but right now you can’t undo what has already taken place. You can instead be your best — right here and now — so as to not make a difficult situation even worse for those around you.
For me, meditation is an essential tool that I use when I’m dealing with my highest-stress situations, such as delivering important speeches, preparing for media interviews, representing myself in a court hearing, having to fire somebody on my team, undergoing dental work, or dealing with awkward, uncomfortable biopsies. It’s easy to think that meditation is a luxury — until you really, really need to be calm. Then, it becomes a necessity — and when these moments arrive it’s good to have some experience cultivating this response.
Once you find yourself resorting to meditation to handle high-stress situations, you’ll easily realize that it helps with more frequent medium-stress challenges as well. If you have a daily meditation practice, it will help you enjoy grocery shopping, give you the patience to listen to your children, and allow you to savor the sunset.
Let’s explore some more options!
Pick a Practice — Any Practice!
Other than breathing exercises, aren’t there other ways to meditate?
Yes, absolutely. Research indicates that different sorts of meditations will have different effects on your brain.18
Here are just a few examples that I encourage you to play with:
Visualization: Choose to focus on an object in front of you and keep your attention on it. Ideally, you’re looking at ocean waves, falling leaves, or passing clouds. But you can look at anything else, in a nonjudgmental way. Or you can close your eyes and imagine a beautiful, calming, or hypnotic image, such as a flame. Focusing on some thing prevents the mind from thinking about any thing.
Mantra in a foreign language: Slowly, deliberately repeat a word or phrase (sometimes called a “mantra”) from a language you don’t speak. For example, you could chant, “Om shanti shanti shanti,” which in Sanskrit means, “Om (the sound of God or the Universe) peace peace peace.” A mantra helps you unite sound, body, and mind in one practice.19
Mantra in your native language: Slowly repeat a word or phrase in a language you do speak, such as “Love” or “I am blessed” for English speakers.
Walking meditation: Very slowly walk and notice the sensations of touch, gravity, balance, movement, and temperature. If you can do this barefoot, even better. Walking on the beach in Malibu is amazing, but you can do this in your backyard in suburban Milwaukee, too.
Hearing meditation: Notice any sounds you hear, without having an opinion on whether they’re “good” or “bad.” That includes birds chirping outside your window, cars honking, tires rolling in the street, garbage trucks roaring, refrigerators humming, TVs blaring in the next room, and air whistling through your nostrils.
Eating meditation: As you eat, mindfully notice the smell, taste, touch, texture, temperature, sounds, and movement of the food. What spices can you discern? Is the food crunchy, chewy, or mushy? Just as wine lovers savor a fine Cabernet Sauvignon, so can you, too, focus on fully experiencing every mouthful of your food.
Label-the-emotion meditation: This is simple yet quite powerful. For example, if I start my meditation and I’m upset about something, I just name the emotion — and keep labelling it and re-labelling it as it develops. By doing this, I better understand what I really feel. Over time, the emotion almost always changes. For example, the progression might be:
Angry … angry … angry … angry …
Frustrated … frustrated … irritated … irritated …
Confused … confused … confused …
Baffled … baffled … baffled …
Wondering … wondering … wondering …
Reassessing … reassessing … reassessing …
Concerned … worried … questioning …
Remorseful … remorseful … remorseful …
Resolved … resolved … resolved …
Forgiving … forgiving … forgiving …
In this instance, I noticed that I was angry at another person, but pretty quickly realized my own responsibility for the disagreement. From that, I was able to take ownership of my actions, identify what I needed to do differently going forward, and seek forgiveness from the other person. Jack Kornfield describes a version of this process in his book, The Wise Heart.20
Naming-whatever-you-notice meditation: Andy Puddicombe is the cofounder of Headspace, a company that produces a popular smartphone app. He has given advice on how to meditate by simply noticing whatever you happen to notice.21
Based on this approach, here is my instruction to you:
I notice that I’m breathing in … breathing out …
Feeling an itch on my right index finger … still feeling that itch …
Still feeling that itch … that itch has gone away now …
Noticing my heels on the floor … feeling the weight of my body on the carpet …
Noticing how soft the carpet feels … suddenly hearing a siren outside the window …
Noticing that the siren is getting closer … now it’s passing …
Now the siren is fading in the distance … and I hear birds chirping …
Noticing the sound of my breath as I inhale …
Remembering that I’m naming whatever comes to my attention right now …
This might sound like a lazy person’s way to meditate. But you don’t have to judge it that way! I’ve found that it’s an excellent practice in paying attention to what is here, now, rather than ruminating on the past or worrying about the future.
Lovingkindness meditation: This is one of the most basic meditations, though it’s more about “intention” than mindfulness. We discuss intention a lot more in the next section on Affirmations, but I’d like you to see how this meditation fits with the other practices listed above. Dr. Kornfield gives a wonderful, simple instruction, noting that “without loving yourself it is almost impossible to love others.” These are the phrases that you can repeat to yourself while meditating:
May I be filled with lovingkindness.
May I be safe from inner and outer dangers.
May I be well in body and mind.
May I be at ease and happy.
Over time, you can expand your practice by picturing a person you love easily, thinking:
May you be filled with lovingkindness.
May you be safe from inner and outer dangers.
May you be well in body and mind.
May you be at ease and happy.
Dr. Kornfield notes, “Finally, include the difficult people in your life, even your enemies, wishing that they too may be filled with lovingkindness and peace. This will take practice. But as your heart opens, first to loved ones and friends, you will find that in the end you won’t want to close it anymore.”22
You Might Be Wondering …
How long should I meditate? The good news here is “as long as you want.” You’ve probably heard stories of people who meditate several hours per day. No matter how busy Mahatma Gandhi was with seeking
Indian independence, he took one full day per week to meditate. Some religious orders, such as the Jesuits, take multi-day and week-long silent retreats every year.23 If you ask around, you probably know people who meditate 30 or 40 minutes per day.
But you can start your meditation practice with much smaller increments of time.
If you can’t do five minutes, then do one minute.
If you can’t do one minute, then do 30 seconds — which I’ve also found very helpful.
Set the bar ridiculously low, and then just do it. Check off that box and say, “I did it today!” This will boost your confidence and help establish the habit. From there, increase your minutes, if you want. (We discuss how to create and maintain good routines in Chapter Sixteen on Habits.)
I usually do only 10 minutes of meditation per day, though to that I add 10 minutes of affirmations. I’m sure I’d “get deeper” and derive more benefit if I did 20 minutes rather than 10, but I figure that 10 minutes is better than five … or zero.
When should I meditate? Experiment to see what feels best for you. In the chapter on Habits, we discuss that it’s easiest to establish a new habit if you’re able to piggyback on an existing habit. So maybe after you brush your teeth each morning, you sit down and meditate for five minutes.
Some people meditate as they’re slowly waking up and lying in bed. I like to do my practice after my initial 10 minutes of yoga and stretching in the morning, or after I’ve gone for a swim. (A lifeguard once approached me while I was meditating, because he was afraid I was having a stroke!) I sometimes have meditated in my car, right after my commute but before walking into the office. Some people carve out 10 minutes during their lunch hour to just be quiet in an empty conference room. Others will sit on an outdoor bench or in a park, and mindfully notice everything that transpires around them. No need for judgment. No need to have an opinion.