by Mel Wildes
“Oh my,” I breathed out heavily as my nails began to dig into his arms. “Go faster,” I instructed him and he looked to me in surprise as he began to move in faster motions. I remembered reading many magazines as a girl, all of which informed me that the first time the hymen broke would be an uncomfortable feeling. Yet as Alfie’s thickness pushed in and out of my pussy, I couldn’t feel an ounce of discomfort. “Deeper,” I instructed as I clasped onto his arms, and he obeyed, pushing his cock deeper into me. I began to loosen the walls of my pussy as he quickened the pace of his hips. “Alfie!” I screamed breathlessly as he started to thrust into me harder. “Keep going,” I instructed him, feeling a sweat begin to break across my body.
“Zadie,” he called my name through loud grunts. I began to match his thrusts, pushing down on his cock as he pushed up. We were moving at lightening speeds. Wrapping his arms around me, he picked me up off the bed and continued to slam his thickness into me. Slamming me against my bedroom wall, I wrapped my legs around him and continued to match him, thrust for thrust. “I’m going to cum!” he groaned. Curling my toes, I began to tighten my walls around his cock, feeling myself reaching the edge.
“Me too,” I whimpered once again, bouncing my weight aggressively on his cock as he pinned me to the wall. I was the first to cum, my abdomen constricted and my walls tightened as an exhilarating rush of relief washed over me. Alfie came next. He groaned one final groan before thrusting upwards and jerking manically at his release. We were both left breathless as our bodies continued to vibrate.
“What the hell was that?” he asked through baited breath. His hold on me was unwavering as he carried me back to the bed and fell on top of me. His cock still submerged inside me as I felt my cum slide over his thickness and down my thighs.
“Is that normal?” I asked him breathlessly.
“No.” Lifting his upper weight to his elbows, he looked down at me in bewilderment. “I’ve never, in my life…” Instead of finishing his line of thought, he leaned his head down and gently kissed my lips, pushing aside a few curls that fell over my face. “I love you,” he whispered once more and I looked to him, unsure of what I had just done. I had just made love to my best friend and there was no turning back.
RISK
2008
Walking through the school doors, I knew this day would be like no other. As soon as my feet began to trace its usual course to my locker, classmates slowly aligned the hallway snickering and whispering amongst each other while attempting to steal a glance my way with failed subtly. I knew Ralph would make good on his threat, low and behold, here I was being slut-shamed from my gossiping peers. Alfie had left for school earlier than usual, claiming an unfinished paper via text message but I knew he was avoiding me. I didn’t mind though, I was avoiding him too. But in this moment, as my mere presence parted the crowd like Moses did the red sea, I wish he was by my side, protecting me like he always did.
“Sup whore.” Gigi approached me as I reached my locker and opened it. Her words would’ve been alarming and I probably would’ve been offended if it wasn’t for the fact that this was how she greeted me every morning. “Why didn’t you tell me you were out there trying to get some on Friday? I would’ve given you some more relevant advice.” I really wish she’d take my silence as an indicator to piss off, but she didn’t. “I mean LaSalle isn’t my top cherry-popping choice but I guess he’d do in your situation.” She waved her finger in a zigzag in order to highlight my weight. “What was he like?” she asked as she leaned against my neighboring locker, chewing her gum with an open mouth.
“LaSalle is the king of bullshit, don’t believe everything he says.” I looked across the hall for Alfie, unsure if I was hoping to see him or avoid him.
“You don’t have to be ashamed, we all do it, perhaps not in the crackhead den under the bleachers but to each their own.” She raised her hands in defense. I was officially over this conversation.
“Fuck off, Gigi. Stop investing your time so heavily in the musings of a dipshit like LaSalle and open a textbook now and then. That way when school ends, you might actually end up somewhere better than the back docks of Wal-Mart, getting knocked up by your forty year old floor manager.” It was in reference to her mom and it definitely wasn’t my proudest burn. I aimed low and regretted it as I slammed my locker shut. I ignored her look of shock horror and headed toward homeroom. On the bright side, maybe all this drama would force me to be my most honest self in what were the final weeks of my senior year. Maybe I’d finally stop letting my peers drag me down. Before I had a chance to turn a corner, I slammed right into what I first thought was a brick wall and then later realized was just Alfie. As my textbooks hit the ground, I looked at him with surprise. We hadn’t so much as laid eyes on each other since that night in my bedroom. Leaning down, he picked up my books and handed them to me, looking at me with a mirrored look of shock.
“Hey, Z.” His greeting came out smooth as he ran his hand through his lush curls. “I think we need to talk.” I knew this was coming.
***
As students cleared the hallway, Alfie and I decided to skip homeroom and made our way towards the library. Mrs Marshall, the seventy-two-year-old Librarian, was already napping by the check out desk. We took this as a chance to silently sneak past her toward the stacks. As we found our usual hiding place in the abandoned ‘Home Economics’ section, we threw our things to the ground and slid down the shelves, sitting across from each other. When we finally managed to settle, I found myself unable to bravely look at him, the memories of all the things we did and almost did replaying in my head like a scratched disc. I began to fiddle with a strayed thread at the bottom of my school blouse, when I felt his shoe tap the side of my thigh.
“I heard the rumors going around school. I will disfigure him, I swear.” His words sent a shiver up my spine. He was being serious. I dropped the thread and looked up at him with a scowl.
“I will never speak to you again,” I said curtly as I stared at him squarely.
“Z, I have…” before he could finish, I interrupted. All my previous reservations in facing him, melted away with anger.
“Why would you risk your scholarship at NYU, just to rough up some high school dipshit who is a mere blimp in the scale of our lives? It’s unfair. It’s me who has to live with you wasting your life away trying to defend me.” I took a breath before continuing. “I’ve gotten in such a routine with you. Some bully picks on me and you go in fists blazing, trying to protect me. I almost expect it now but I don’t need it. I’m strong enough without you,” I clarified as I drew my knees up to my chest. “I’m out of here in a few weeks, bound for Colombia. I’d rather leave here with you than without you.” Looking away from him, my eyes focused on two birds outside the nearest window, pecking at a weed growing on the window seal.
“You’re right. You’re always right.” He scooted over to me. “I want to leave this place. I want New York with you,” he assured me as he wrapped his arms around my knees, quickly disorientating me. I may have been able to hold my own when it came to calling Alfie up on his stupidity, but he still gripped at my heart and everything about him still made parts of my body tingle. “I won’t go near him, I’ll avoid him like the plague.” I tried to lean back into the shelves behind me, hoping a black hole would open up behind me so I could get away from his soapy scent. It never did. “So, about last night…” he started and I looked behind me, just in case that black hole decided to open up.
“Hmm,” I responded nervously as my eyes moved back to the thread. I didn’t know what to do or think. If I admitted I liked it, which I did, and he didn’t feel the same way, that would be the end of our friendship at the level we both loved. If I lied, would I lose him forever? Alfie’s hands reached up to my chin, breaking me out of my thoughts. As he tilted my head up so our eyes could meet, I became a little breathless. His lips were slightly parted, his soapy scent was filling my senses and the memories of that night were running throug
h my head with vivid detail. I wondered if he’d kiss me again. I wondered how I’d feel about it. Most of all, I wondered what it would be like to do it with Alfie in the stacks. That was an alarming thing for me to wonder.
“I think we can both agree,” he paused for a moment as his eyes traced my lips. I could feel his grip tighten on my knees as he attempted to focus on the books behind me with faux interest, “that was probably a massive mistake. We’re teenagers, we got caught up in the moment.” He chuckled gingerly and I felt my heart drop right out of my chest and roll onto the floor beside us. “I can’t even believe we went that far, we were so hyped up on emotions.” I nodded, despite that lingering feeling of disorientation evading my senses. “I’m glad you’re my best friend, if you were any other girl, you would’ve latched onto the night with expectation but I know you wouldn’t think much of it. Just two stupid kids having fun, right?” He tugged at my skirt and I looked up at him. His eyes were filled with hope and a reluctant smile sat on his lips. I couldn’t fathom how I let myself be blinded by this. Of course he didn’t think much of it. He’d never shown any indication of desire. He’d call me beautiful and say pretty-nothings in the midst of passion but when reality reemerged, the fact of the matter would remain: I just wasn’t his type. He had never hid it from me. He wasn’t even the one to initiate that night. I was just a teenage girl he respected, who happened to be offering up sex. What teenage boy would resist? Shaking my head, I cleared my throat and looked him directly in the eyes.
“Yeah, right. Just two stupid teens,” I whispered as my eyes refocused on the two birds that had abandoned pecking the weed, both waddling away from each other.
“Good, good,” he half-heartedly smiled and I looked away from the birds and watched him scoot away from me, back toward his backpack. His eyes were sad but relieved. “Well then, that just leaves one more thing.” I wondered what else there could possibly be to say. “Seeing that I’m single for the first time in months and prom is coming,” he started and I wasn’t sure I was ready to jump back into listening to him talk about potential dates and girls he wanted to be with. Standing up, I grabbed my books and was about ready to sprint out when Alfie jumped up beside me effortlessly. “I think,” he continued and I began walking away before he was ready. “Hey, wait up.” He caught up to me, grabbing my arm to stop me in my tracks. I could not have this conversation with him. This day was already a pretty miserable one without having to live through this.
“Alfie…” I began but he interrupted me as he swung his bag over his shoulder.
“I think we should go together.” As his words escaped his lips, I stared at him wide-eyed, unsure I was hearing it right. I groaned with dramatic frustration as I stormed away from him.
LET’S GET MARRIED
2018
Waking up the next morning was a surreal feeling. Despite my body being no different than last night, every bit of me felt changed. After our bodies parted, Alfie acquired a wet cloth and cleaned me gently, kissing me on the cheek before pulling my sheets away for me to slip under. He turned the lights off and I half expected him to leave in confusion, but he didn’t. Silently he slipped under the sheets beside me and scooted over to me, his nude body spooning my own. He dragged me closer to his body until I felt his taut chest against my back. His legs intertwined with my own as he nuzzled my curls, then my neck. His arms wrapped around my arms and breasts and I did everything not to get hot and bothered again, especially since I was still attempting to figure out how I felt about our intimacy. Neither of us said a word as we drifted to sleep, wrapped up in each other.
Looking over my shoulder, Alfie was nowhere to be seen, his clothes no longer scattered on the floor. Wrapping myself up in my bed sheet, I opened my bedroom doors and was met with an empty apartment. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to find him here or not. Last night was a whirlwind of passion, ten years in the making for me. It was a precious thing to be in love while I lost my virginity, but somewhat disheartening to know his love for me would never amount to mine for him. I wanted to scold myself for giving into my desire, for having no restraint to his charm, especially when I was mad at him. I didn’t blame him for leaving without a word, he had warned me carefully last night that he could promise me nothing and that that would have to be enough, and I agreed.
Walking over to my nightstand, I checked my phone hoping to find a message or call from him but was only met with a multitude of messages from Penny and surprisingly, one from Marcus.
Marcus
“I had an incredible time last night. What are the chances you’d want to grab something to eat tonight?”
I was felt a pang of guilt as I thought about the night before. I really did enjoy his company and wanted to see him more. Texting him back an enthusiastic ‘yes’, I locked my phone and looked out my window. Perhaps last night was everything I needed for this thing with Marcus to be a possibility. I got everything I wanted, my first time was an unforgettable experience with a person I loved. It was time to move on from Alfie and let him live his life without feeling tethered to me. He didn’t want me and I was quickly becoming okay with that. I was free now to explore, without regret.
***
Making my way toward Penny’s apartment, an unexpected figure appeared from her building’s front steps. I abruptly stopped in my tracks. I hadn’t expected to see Alfie. His disappearance this morning lent me the opportunity to have one of my more enlightened moments surrounding our relationship. It was time to put those thoughts into action. I would do my best not notice his glowing red cheeks and I would especially do my best not to think about the fact that I fully knew what he looked like underneath all his clothes. I would do all this while keeping my composure and willpower.
“Sup, Alfie?” I said casually, the tone and my use of ‘sup’ unnatural to both our ears as I stepped past him and made my way up the stairs.
“Sup?” he asked in confusion, grabbing my hand before I had a chance to reach the top of the stairs. I groaned as I spun around. I was working overtime in trying to keep my cheerful demeanor; I was resilient in wanting to keep our conversation casual. We were just two friends who slept together last night, no big deal.
“Yeah, just trying it out,” I muttered awkwardly as I focused my attention on his eyes, doing my best not to look at his hands and think back to the memories of what they were doing to me a mere twelve hours ago. “What are you doing here?” I asked, before realising I didn’t want to know the answer. I just wanted to escape to Penny’s apartment. “Actually, I should go, Penny’s waiting. You know how she is with appointments.” I attempted to release his grip on my hand but he latched on, looking at me with even greater confusion.
“Yeah, she’s always late to them. I’m here because I went to your apartment and you weren’t there. This is the only other place I can find you on a Sunday that isn’t either one of our apartments.” He pulled me down in order to get me to sit beside him but I resisted. Willpower, I reminded myself.
“Okay, you found me. What’s up?” I removed my hand from his and crossed my arms over my chest. He wasn’t used to my restraint, he hadn’t seen it like this in a long time.
“U-ugh,” he began. “I wanted to apologise for this morning.” His hands were in his pockets as he leaned against the handrail. “Last night was a lot. And I needed some space to think…” I didn’t want to have this conversation. We clarified what it was before it happened and I didn’t want to linger around as he attempted to explain that it meant more or even less than what we agreed on. I couldn’t deal with either explanation.
“I’ve got to run,” I said as I moved up the stairs.
“W-wait, what?” he sputtered as he trailed behind me. “Zadie, we need to talk…”
“About what?” I asked, feigning confusion.
“What do you mean? Last night was…” I stopped him again before he could continue.
“Last night was a one-time deal. You don’t have to worry Alfie, we’re friends. You wanted m
y first time to be special and it was, because it was with you. And now you’ve opened up my world. I can explore this thing with Marcus properly. Thank you.” I attempted to reach out for him now but he sharply dodged me as his hands went up to run through his hair. At the realization it was gone, his aggravation grew red-hot. Running his hands through his hair was one of his ways to center himself when he was flooded with emotions. He was expecting me to swoon over last night, to find greater meaning. He fed off my love for him, but I wasn’t giving it away anymore.
“What do you mean you can ‘explore this thing with Marcus properly’?” He was snippy as his green eyes threw daggers my way.
“Alfie, I really like Marcus. I’m going out with him again tonight.” At this, Alfie puffed up his chest and turned his back on me as he walked down the stairs and onto the pavement. I followed him behind, attempting to understand what his frustration meant.
“Zadie, I…” Before he could finish, the familiar sound of nails scratching a chalkboard could be heard echoing from a cab.
“Alfie!” The familiar voice squealed as Alfie and I looked across the street. Tiffany slammed the cab door shut as she clutched her phone and ran up toward us. I had never seen her dressed so casually in a grey sweater and matching pants – both tied to reveal her waist. It was obviously Alfie’s. Despite her causal attire, her fake tan and blonde locks still stood out like a sore thumb. Her eyes were puffy and her nose was red and she only wore a fragment of her usual amount of makeup. It was in this instance, I realized she had been crying. I hadn’t given much thought to her last night. Alfie said he called it off and that was enough to fall into bed with him. I had to admit I hadn’t pitied her last night, but as I watched her eyes grow wide and teary at the sight of Alfie, I couldn’t help but put my disdain for her aside. I couldn’t imagine what it felt like for Alfie to choose a life without you. It would heartbreaking.