The First

by Mel Wildes

  “You found my boo?” she asked as she gripped my neck tighter, hugging me as I tried to navigate our way toward the group.

  “I found your boo.” As we got closer to the crowd, I locked eyes with Clarissa who looked to be enjoying the current conversation. She smiled up at me viciously and leaned forward to whisper something into the ear of her neighbor. Her eyes were unwavering on mine. As I turned a corner, I paused at the sight of Alfie. He was at the center of the group, obviously drunk and speaking angrily in response to whatever Clarissa had just said to him. I began to grow anxious at how keen she was for my arrival. She’d never been so happy to see me. Alfie’s words grew clearer as I got closer, Mateo’s eyes growing wide at the sight of me.

  “So you’re not dating? You sure you’re not into that, Alfie?” Glenn, the quarterback, asked him as he motioned some sort of shape with his hands. The group laughed and Mateo attempted to reach me before I heard anymore. I listened on in with confusion.

  “Fuck, no,” he said, taking a swig of something from a red cup.

  “Rumor has it you asked it to prom?” Clarissa piped up viciously as Mateo approached Rosa and I. I ignored him as he reached up to stop me from going further.

  “Zadie, don’t listen to that shit, please.” I pushed him aside and relinquished Rosa into his arms. Alfie was talking about me. He tensed at Clarissa’s comments, scolding her before noticing the group’s reaction.

  “You’re always so possessive of her, Alfie.” Glen was laughing as he grabbed a hold of Alfie by the shoulders. “Look how tense you get when someone insults her. You want to put your hot dog in her bun, don’t you buddy?” Glen laughed stupidly and Alfie’s clutch tightened around the plastic cup. He stopped himself from reacting naturally and instead smirked. I hadn’t ever seen that look on his face.

  “That’s disgusting,” he spat as he leaned back on the pool chair, his head falling into Clarissa’s lap. “She’s been my neighbor since elementary. I feel obligated to help her out. She’s not exactly socially all there,” he pointed out and I felt my eyes well up as I felt every dagger he threw. “So, I’m the only one with a charity case?” he asked the group and they all broke out into laughter. I wrapped my arms around myself as the air around me suddenly grew icy.

  “So, what’s up with asking her to prom then?” Clarissa asked and everyone silenced as they waited for his defense. Stupidly, I hoped he’d show some sign he was still the Alfie I grew up with. Mateo’s hand gripped my shoulder, no longer trying to drag me away but support me.

  “I pitied her.” Suddenly all conversation, music and murmurs evaporated around me. I couldn’t hear anything as I began to shut down. That’s all it took. Twelve years and one conversation was all it took to untether us. I was so stupidly in love him that I didn’t notice he didn’t want to be there. He played into my worst nightmare and it broke me. At this Clarissa caught my eye as she tapped Alfie on the shoulder, smiling wickedly as she pointed for him to look at me. His head swung around lazily and his eyes took a moment to process what had just happened. As our classmates noticed my presence, they began to laugh in shock, murmuring amongst each other.

  “Zadie?” his slurred and bewildered voice came through the silence. I stared at him for what felt like the longest time. I wanted him to see how badly he hurt me. I wanted him to see how he broke me. Turning away, I ran through the crowd and made by way toward the house. Alfie was close behind. I didn’t look back as I burst through the front door and ran across Mateo’s deck. Before I reached my car, Alfie had caught up to me, grabbing my arm to stop me. “Zadie…” he was shaking his head in an attempt to bring himself back to reality. I shrugged out of his grasp and continued toward the car. My tears were overflowing as I pulled my keys out. As I unlocked the door, I reached to open it but Alfie was there, slamming the door shut behind me. “Zadie…” he started again and I turned around, if only so he could see what he’d done. His green eyes were wide with agony as he watched me, his hands clasping the sides of my face desperately. “I don’t know why I said that.” As he attempted to explain, tears escaped his own eyes and he leaned his head against my own. I began to tremble, my tears overpowering me as he wrapped his arms around me. “I don’t know why. I’m sorry.” He clutched onto me, uncaring of the scattered classmates who were watching us from Mateo’s front yard. “Please.” He tore his head away from mine and I looked at him, heart broken. As we watched each other, I couldn’t help but hear his words echoing at the back of my mind. No one had ever hurt me the way he had just hurt me. Pushing him away, I turned and got into the car. As I wiped the tears away, I took a deep breath and started the car. Alfie’s hands were on my window, his cheeks red and his wild eyes beyond sorrowful. Looking away, I drove away from him, unwilling to look back.

  TWENTY-ONE

  2018

  I hadn’t ever felt guilt the way I felt it at that moment. Despite Marcus and I never officially labeling the relationship and hashing out the details, I still felt like I had betrayed him. It had been weeks since our first date and he had been extremely patient in terms of intimacy. There was something about sleeping with my best friend and then jumping into sleeping with Marcus that made me profoundly uncomfortable. I could dismiss my actions after just one date, but as the weeks flew by of regular dates, adventure weekends and intimate make out sessions with Marcus, this didn’t seem like something I could just sweep under the rug. As Alfie’s wedding drew closer, I looked to Marcus with profound admiration. What Alfie and I had done was yet another lapse of judgment, this time causing me to flee the scene when reality fully caught up to me. I could see a future with Marcus. There was so much I liked about him and intellectually we just clicked. But as I watched him perfectly splayed out on my couch, head sitting comfortably in my lap as we watched television, I couldn’t help but have my moral compass take over the direction we were sailing. I had to tell him.

  “Marcus,” I whispered his name, untangling my hands from his hair. He looked away from the television and up at me from where he lay. “We need to talk.” At this, he pushed himself up and away from my lap, leaving the space he once occupied, empty and exposed to the elements.

  “What’s up?” His voice was deep and concerned as he tucked his leg beneath him and reached a hand out to me. I pushed myself to face him and began to feel my heart beat erratically in my chest. I never wanted to be this person. “You’re freaking me out,” he commented and I looked at him guiltily, hands sweaty from my nerves.

  “I need to tell you something,” clearing my throat, I continued, “but I’m a little bit inexperienced with these things.” I looked away from his steady eyes, which had quickly filled with worry.

  “You can tell me anything, Zadie,” he assured me. “Don’t be so nervous.” He attempted to comfort me as he stroked my cheek with his thumb.

  “I don’t exactly know what this is,” I pointed between the two of us, “but I feel like you should know something.” I cleared my throat, my heart doing somersaults in my chest. “About a week ago I was intimate with another guy.” As the words escaped my lips, I forced myself to look up at Marcus. He was staring at me, his thumb no longer on my cheek. He was silent for the longest time, before smiling and lifting his hands up to my face. He caressed my cheeks quickly, before running his hands through his hair.

  “Oh my god, Zadie,” he started and I prepared myself. “I thought something was wrong with you.” He puffed out a sigh of relief before grabbing my hands and laughing. I looked at him with wide eyes, shocked at his reaction.

  “You’re not mad?” I asked in disbelief.

  “No, not at all,” he chuckled and I looked at him inconspicuously. “I mean I’m a little jealous that some other guy has had that honor but I’m not mad. We haven’t exactly defined this.” He smiled warmly. “I’ve been intimate with other women too.” At this, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief, my heart returning to a regular beat as I took in his words. Unbelievably, I still managed to feel a stab of jealously
as he opened up. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking to be with a bunch of different women. If I’m being honest there’s really only one girl I really want to be with but I’ve been trying to be respectful by giving you your space.” As he drew me closer to him, I warmed at his words.

  “I really like you, and I really regret what I did because I told myself I wouldn’t do it again. I told myself I wanted to be with you and I meant it.” At this, Marcus leaned in and kissed me gently, his hands intertwining with my curls, before quickly releasing me.

  “So just to be clear, we both want to give this a go, right? Strings fully attached?” I smiled shyly as I draped my legs over his and loosely wrapped my arms around his neck.

  “One hundred percent. I don’t want to be with anyone else,” I promised as I leaned in and kissed him again. It felt right and real being with Marcus, but I couldn’t help the lingering thought of Alfie invading my thoughts. “Just give me some time on the intimate front. I need time to get to know you before…” before I had a chance to continue, he kissed my lips again and drew me into a hug.

  “It’s alright, Zadie. Take as long as you need, I’m not going anywhere.” I looked him in the eyes and smiled. “Now that we have that sorted,” he continued, laughing as I began to nuzzle his neck and draw light kisses across his cheeks, “I wanted to ask you something.” He bit his lip as he grinned, reluctantly pulling me away so I would focus.

  “You’re not going to ask me to marry you, right?” I teased and he smiled, shaking his head in amusement.

  “Hmm, not yet,” he teased. “I was thinking you might enjoy joining me on a trip.” My ears peaked. He looked somewhat bashful as he paused to examine my reaction. It was a new expression of his I hadn’t seen before and I liked it. “This years Writer’s Festival is in Seoul, and I’m doing a speech there on my book and I thought it would be fun if you came along with me.” I lit up at his words. I loved that he was going to speak at the festival and I loved that he was asking me to join him. “It’s the day after your friend’s wedding, so it’ll work out time wise. I’ll exchange my first class ticket to economy, so you won’t have to spend a dime.” The mention of Alfie’s wedding warmed me to the idea even more.

  “Yes, I’ll go with you!” I exclaimed, unable to conceal my excitement. “Are you sure you want to take me? I’m sure you know far cooler people to be doing this with.” I attempted to make sure he had chosen the right person, but I was somewhat worried he’d rescind his offer.

  “Yes, I’m sure. There isn’t anyone else I’d rather be pressed up against in economy for fourteen hours.” His musical laughter assured me as I leaned into him and kissed him.

  “Fourteen hours, huh?” I asked as I tore away from our kiss and felt his hands begin to stroke my back.

  “Non-stop, baby.” I bit my lips.

  “We can get up to a lot in fourteen hours.” Lifting his eyebrows, he shook his head in amusement as he pushed me down on the couch and leaned over me.

  “You’re a tease,” he chuckled as he kissed my neck.

  “You like it, it makes the wait a lot more fun.” At this he kissed me on my lips gently, an incredible flash of adoration filling his face. I wanted to be with him, I wanted this to work. What happened with Alfie would never happen again. He continued to plan his wedding day and it was time for me to continue planning for my own future.

  ***

  “Hold on a minute, I need some popcorn.” Penny was enjoying herself as she threw her sewing kit to the ground and walked toward her kitchen. “I can’t work like this. I need wine, some popcorn and a blanket.” Throwing the popcorn in the microwave, she jumped up onto her kitchen stool and stared at me. “I don’t even know why I pay for cable when I have you. Free, reliable entertainment.” I rolled my eyes as I made myself comfortable on her couch. She enjoyed my life way more than I did.

  “You’re way too invested in this,” I pointed out and she leaned against her counter, elbows on table and face in hands. She was watching me like she watched the ‘discovery channel’.

  “I mean…if you had a normal dating life, I’d probably be less invested. But this shit right here is better than my telenovelas.” I groaned as I grabbed a cushion and pressed it up against my face, muffling the sound escaping my mouth, before dropping it and taking a deep breath.

  “You know I’m disappointed in myself about the Alfie thing,” I started. As the microwave beeped, I observed her retrieve the bag, open it and empty it into a bowl. “But I’m proud of myself for being honest with him. You know if anything, this whole thing helped Marcus and I stabilize, figure out what we want.” She nodded her head thoughtfully as she grabbed the bowl and a bottle of wine sitting on the counter, and made her way toward me. “It set things in motion.” I smiled as I turned to her. Falling onto the couch beside me, I threw a blanket on her and took the bottle of wine out of her hand as she threw a piece of popcorn in her mouth and watched me with anticipation.

  “Tell me more,” she said as we exchanged bottle for bowl.

  “I’m going to Seoul with him.” I bit my lip in nervousness. She pulled the bottle down from her lips and stared at me in shock. “It’s for the Writer’s Festival. It’s going to be incredible. It’s the day after Alfie’s wedding and we’ll jump on a plane and well, we might, you know…”

  “On the plane?” she asked incredulously.

  “What? No! Not on the plane,” I scoffed as we exchanged bowl for bottle again.

  “Oh, a little hotel hanky-panky?” Her come hither was on as she raised her eyebrows, teasingly. “Remind me again why you haven’t tapped that yet?” she joked and rolled my eyes again.

  “Seriously?” I asked and she lifted her shoulders and mouthed, ‘What?’ “Because, I waited over a decade for Alfie and then I fucked it up. I want this to work. I want to have a future with Marcus. So an appropriate amount of restraint is necessary.” I looked away from her, staring out of her window as the sun came close to setting.

  “Well, I’m happy for you and super proud of the restraint I would never in a million years have.” She chuckled as she placed the popcorn and wine on the coffee table and grabbed my hands. “But as your best friend, I have to ask.” I tore my eyes away from the window and looked over to her. “Aren’t you the littlest bit concerned that you’re so into this trip because the day after Alfie’s wedding you’re going to need an escape from this place to help you forget what you just witnessed? Do you really think this is a natural step into the future, or do you think this might be a forced one?” As the words escaped her lips, I watched her with confusion. Her observations were sharp and unapologetic, and they made me angry.

  “Girl, what are you on about? It’s normal to want to go on a trip with the guy you’re dating,” I pointed out, standing away from the couch. She sucked back a deep breath as she stood up. I could tell she was trying to be careful.

  “You and Alfie sorted out nothing after the dress shop. You haven’t spoken and you keep ignoring him. You have his bachelor party in a week! That you planned by the way! His wedding is the day after and now you have this thing looming over both your heads. The two of you wouldn’t have done what you did if you weren’t, you know, emotionally invested in each other.” As her words escaped her, I felt a sudden surge of anger come over me. It was illogical and bewildering but I didn’t want to hear what she was saying. I wanted her support and not her critique. Grabbing my coat and satchel, I made my way toward her front door and began to open it. “Zadie!” she called out as she caught up to me. “You’re my best friend, I’m going to force you to deal with this shit. Because come one week from today, irreversible shit is going to happen.” I turned around and looked at her.

  “Twenty-one, Penny,” I whispered. Her eyes lit up with confusion as she opened her mouth to say something. “Twenty-one years of him making me think he loved me, twenty-one years of him trying to sort it out and twenty-one years of me letting him. Yes, we did something stupid and we haven’t spoken about it.
But our cycle never ends, it changes form, but it never ends. He will marry her and I will have a wrench thrown in the cycle I have clung onto for twenty-one years. So yes, I will go to Seoul with Marcus. The day after that wedding, Alfie will have broken my heart beyond repair. I can’t stay here in New York in broken pieces, I need to move forward and give myself a better future.” As the words escaped me, I slammed the door shut behind me. Alfie had my past, but he couldn’t have my future.

  TAILLIGHTS

  ALFIE

  2008

  I knew I had catastrophically fucked up. The second Clarissa drew my attention to her I knew what I had done. The way she looked at me in that moment did something to me. It made me feel something I hadn’t ever felt before.

  “Zadie?” I called out in confusion. Her eyes welled up, and it felt like the world around me had been put into a sudden pause. She was looking into the deepest part of my soul, telling me I’d just broken her. I called out her name but she couldn’t hear me. The alcohol I had consumed in vast quantities whirled through me and attacked all my senses. The pitiful disdain I had felt for her leading up to this moment melted away. I had felt rejected by her refusal to acknowledge my proposal and it made me angry and irrational. Something had changed since that night I shared with her and I couldn’t stop thinking about her, I couldn’t stop wanting to be around her. Something had shifted between us and I wanted to do anything that made me forget, that made it impossible for me to act on. As she abruptly turned on her heel, the world around us began again and I ignored my muttering classmates. I let them bait me and hurt the most important person in my life. Dropping the cup I was holding, I pushed myself past Mateo and Rosa, who both glared at me with the deepest disdain, something I completely deserved.