Yeah. In these days of equality, it wouldn’t be fair for him not to return the favour. Surely that would be considered bad manners? Poor sexual etiquette?
‘Oh, babe…’ groaned Henry again.
As he started grinding into me, although I was still trying to get my head around what he’d said, I couldn’t fight what my body was feeling. As I became more and more turned on, the memories of sex—well, the positive ones anyway—came flooding back.
I loved the feeling of a man on top of me. The anticipation. The longing and the sensation when he first entered you. I felt my body tremble. Henry had got me worked up. I didn’t want to stop. Not now. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and just hope he kept his word to reciprocate later. But first things first. If I was going to sleep with him, there was no way I was doing it without playing it safe.
‘Have you got a condom?’ I asked.
I’d stopped buying condoms years ago after Eric and I had become serious and I’d gone on the pill. No need for protection, I’d thought. I could trust him. And for years it was fine. Until towards the end of our relationship, when I started noticing an unusual discharge. Nothing had changed in my diet or my routine, but I still thought it was me, so I went to the chemist to get some thrush medication. But that didn’t help, and I couldn’t understand why. Little did I know at the time it was because he was sleeping with someone else. When I found out, I went straight to the clinic and discovered he’d given me chlamydia. Bastard.
‘Yep, course I have, babe,’ he said, reaching down to the floor and taking out his wallet. He ripped open the packet, rolled it on, then thrust himself inside me.
Whoa. Yes. It really had been a while. Jesus. Even though he was an average size, it felt like trying to squeeze a thick screw into a pinhole.
We rocked backwards and forwards. He certainly wasn’t the silent type. Henry groaned loudly, squeezing his eyes shut as if he was deep in concentration and punctuating each thrust with a grunt that grew louder with every move. So dramatic.
He was lost in his own little world.
He pumped in and out. Faster and faster.
His groans grew even louder. ‘I’m coming. I’m coming. Yes! Yes! Yes!’ he shouted as if he’d just been awarded gold at the sex Olympics.
He collapsed.
‘Wooh-hoo!’ he screamed. ‘How’s that for seizing the night, Emily! Yeah, baby! That was fucking great!’
He nuzzled his face into my neck and exhaled loudly.
It was okay. Not as long as I would have liked, but it had felt nice, I supposed. But I hadn’t come. If he went down on me though, I knew I definitely could. Eric could always make me come. Oh, he was so good with his tongue…
For God’s sake! How many times? Eric is a cheating bastard. You’re here. Now. With Henry. Remember? Your date? The guy you’ve just slept with?
You’ve put yourself out there after eight months of celibacy and that was your first time back in the game. You can’t expect miracles and orgasms to happen overnight. Especially with someone new. You have to be patient.
My inner thoughts were right. I was expecting too much. Plus, the night was young and Henry said he’d go down on me later, so I could just take another shower and ask him again.
I know they say you shouldn’t give to receive, but I’d taken care of him, so I was still hopeful that he would be a man of his word and do the same…
Chapter Thirteen
‘So great to see you!’ said Kat, giving me a big hug.
‘You too!’ I said as we sat down on the sofa at Cuppa. ‘I was really happy to get your text this morning.’
‘Sorry it was last minute, but I was speaking to my sister last night, moaning that I never get to have any time to myself and I think she felt bad so messaged me at the crack of dawn to say she’d have the kids for a few hours this afternoon.’
‘Amazing!’ I said.
‘It really is! She came round and got them at eleven, and I went back to bed for a whole hour and then had a bath. An actual bath. I got to pour in some lovely oils and have a nice long soak without Kyle banging on the door to use the toilet or April asking when lunch was going to be ready or if I’d ironed her skirt. It was bliss,’ she said, closing her eyes to reminisce.
‘I can only imagine,’ I said. ‘Well, thanks for choosing to spend your precious free time with me. I feel privileged. I wouldn’t have blamed you if you wanted to spend the entire afternoon in bed.’
‘That did cross my mind, but I just wanted to get out, you know?’
‘Yep, I do. It’s funny. Before Chloe set me this going out more challenge thing, I was quite happy to spend all day and night at home. But now, I do get a bit of cabin fever if I haven’t been out.’
‘Tell me about it! It’s nice to be in different surroundings for a change. That’s why I was happy to come to your area. I like this café. Very cool,’ she said, glancing around the interior.
‘I like it too. I’ve been coming here since it opened a couple of years ago. The coffee’s good and the fact that it’s literally two seconds from my flat is an added bonus.’
‘And I’m sure the delightful views help too.’ She smirked, looking over at the hot barista.
‘Yes, he is rather easy on the eyes,’ I said, admiring his short dark hair, sexy stubble and the white T-shirt which clung to his solid chest and arms. ‘He’s new.’
‘Mmm. Well, this new barista is very, very fit too.’ She winked. ‘What’s his name?’
‘Absolutely no idea.’ I shrugged my shoulders.
‘You mean you have a gorgeous guy working at your local coffee shop and you haven’t even made basic enquiries about his name and how soon he’d like to get married?’ She chuckled. ‘Shame on you!’
Not Kat too. What was it with my friends?
‘Oh my god. You sound just like Chloe.’ I rolled my eyes.
‘Well, Chloe’s right! If I was footloose and fancy-free like you and didn’t have to think about whether a man would be happy to have an instant family, I would be all over that. Trust me.’
‘Nope. Too awkward. Like I said, I enjoy coming here. Imagine if I was forward, started flirting and coming on to him, but he wasn’t interested and thought I was some weirdo bunny boiler and rejected me. I’d be embarrassed every time I came here. In fact, what am I saying? If he blanked me, I wouldn’t be able to come back again. No way.’ I shuddered. ‘I need my daily latte. It’s like my morning medication. I can’t function without it. It’s not worth the risk.’
‘Okay, coffee addict! I get it. Still think you should find out the basics though. It’s not a crime to ask someone their name,’ I rolled my eyes again. ‘So anyway, how are things with you?’ she asked, taking off her jacket and wisely changing the subject. ‘How was your date with lover boy Henry? Did you get lucky?’
‘Depends on your definition of lucky. If you mean did I get a shag, then yes I did.’
‘Amazing! Go, Emily! And? How was it?’ Kat’s eyes widened.
‘Good. Well, sort of…’ Flashbacks whizzed through my head. ‘The sex was, fine, good—ish. He wasn’t Eric, but obviously he had five years to get to know me, my body and what I liked, so it’s not fair to compare. It was nice to be back in the saddle, I suppose.’
‘I’m sensing a but?’ said Kat.
‘Yeah.’ I paused. ‘Tell me: if you went down on a guy and he didn’t reciprocate, would you think that’s acceptable?’
‘Definitely not! Okay, okay. Let me take a step back and try to be objective. Did you offer to give him a BJ or did he ask you?’ asked Kat.
‘He asked me,’ I replied.
‘And did you ask him?’ she said. ‘Sometimes as women, we’re not vocal enough about what we want in the bedroom, and men aren’t always good at guessing.’
‘Well, after I’d done him, I lay on my back and sort of asked if he would, kiss me…’ Admittedly my request had been more subtle than his “suck it” terminology. ‘I think he understood. He looked horrified
and I reckon he was about to say he “didn’t do that”, but he stopped himself and just said he’d do it later. Except later never came.’
‘Alarm bells!’ shouted Kat. ‘Sorry, but if his first reaction was that he didn’t do that after he’d asked you to give him oral, then it sounds like he’s one of those selfish sexist pricks who believe it’s a woman’s duty to do everything to please the man but couldn’t give a toss whether the woman is satisfied or not.’
‘Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about. It was a bit frustrating and kind of humiliating, as I suppose I was so used to Eric doing it willingly, and Henry not wanting to made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Like I wasn’t clean. And I was. I always make sure. I thought about saying something, but at the same time he’d got me so worked up that I didn’t want to risk ruining the mood and not going all the way, so I let it go.’
As I heard myself recounting the story, I cringed. Maybe I should have been clearer about my needs, but it was hard to think of the right way to phrase things when you were caught up in the moment and with someone new.
‘So are you going to see him again?’ asked Kat.
‘Not sure. Maybe. When he left, he said we should meet up in the week, but who knows? Even if I decide that I want to give him another chance, now we’ve slept together, he might not even message me.’
‘Yeah, sadly that is true. When they get the goodies too quickly, there’s less of an incentive to stick around.’
‘Exactly. That’s why initially I wasn’t going to sleep with him on our first—or as he called it, our second date, but like he said, we’re not getting any younger, so we should seize the day.’
‘Typical bloke spiel,’ Kat scoffed.
‘Oh, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t wanted to. That’s why I’m kind of pondering the whole going down thing. I gave him a blow job because I don’t mind giving them, but if I didn’t, I wouldn’t want to feel like I had to do it. It wouldn’t be right for a guy to force me, so is it then wrong for me to expect him to go down on me?’
‘I hear you but, it’s how he reacted. If he’d said it’s something intimate that he saves for when things are more serious and he didn’t feel ready just yet, then you could say fair enough. But if you’re saying he was horrified and looked disgusted like you’d just asked him to suck a kangaroo’s hairy balls, then that’s just rude.’
‘That’s what I thought.’ I took a sip of my latte.
It was rude. Thing was, though, now I’d had a taste of having sex, I kind of wanted more. Like, now. Or as soon as possible. And so even though I was disappointed with him not keeping his word, I was feeling like I’d still be willing to give him another go. At least I’d be ready to speak up more second time around.
‘So if we do see each other and it happens again and I ask him to go down and he refuses, what do you reckon? Ask him straight up why he doesn’t want to? Say go down or go home?’
‘I’d love to see his face if you phrased it like that!’ chuckled Kat. ‘It depends. How much do you like Henry?’
‘He’s okay. We get on and I’m attracted to him. Whether I see him as a long-term thing, hmmm. The jury’s out on that one.’
‘Okay, I’m hearing fuckbuddy. And how critical is cunnilingus for you? A nice to have or a deal-breaker.’
‘Hmmm. Good question. As bad as it might sound, I’m feeling like it could be a deal-breaker.’
‘I get what you’re saying.’ Kat nodded.
‘I’ve been suppressing all sexual thoughts since Eric, but now I remember I loved sex, and sometimes I even preferred oral to penetration. It’s tricky because on the one hand, I think it would be a bit harsh to stop seeing someone because they didn’t do exactly what I wanted the first time. But then on the other, I think, what’s the point of having a friend with benefits if your body isn’t actually being given the full benefits package? God,’ I said, catching myself. ‘I can’t believe I’m having this conversation in my local coffee shop with someone I just met a few weeks ago.’
‘Don’t worry!’ Kat giggled. ‘It would take a lot to shock me, my dear. I’ve had three kids and more disappointing sexual encounters than I care to remember.’
‘You’ll have to share those stories with me another day,’ I laughed.
‘Christ. I’m not sure I’m quite ready to relive those nightmares again,’ said Kat, putting her head in her hands. ‘To answer your question about what you should do next time, if there’s a next time, yes, I agree. Ask him. Find out what his concerns are. In a nice way. If he looks like he’s just nervous and needs a helping hand, or should that be tongue, then offer to train him. Maybe suggest you do a sixty-nine so you’re both giving and receiving at the same time. But if he says yuck and it really is a deal-breaker, then consider moving on. Like you said, if you’re just in it for the sex and he’s not delivering the goods, then you might as well log onto Tinder and find someone who will.’
See? This was why I just stuck to chatting to guys on the apps for so long rather than meeting them. Once you started seeing someone, it just opened up a giant can of drama. First I fretted about whether a guy was going to turn up for a date and, if he did, whether he’d like me. And now, as well as all the angst that came with sleeping with a guy for the first time in ages, I had to deal with what to do if he refused to go downtown.
‘This whole men and sex thing is a minefield,’ I huffed. ‘Makes me wonder if it’s even worth all the hassle.’
‘Yep. I often wonder the same. But we have to keep on going. Somewhere out there is the man of our dreams. Our true soulmate. The partner we’ll spend the rest of our lives with.’
‘Do you really believe that?’ I asked.
‘Truthfully?’ said Kat. ‘Most days, no. But I try to stay optimistic, because as much as men annoy and frustrate me, I love their company. A man that is kind, caring and talented in the sack can make you feel incredible.’
‘Yep. I can’t deny it was great to have sex again. Chloe was right. It does relax you. I didn’t realise how much I’d missed it until last night.’
‘You’re lucky. I have no idea when or where my next dick fix is coming from.’
‘Dick fix!’ I laughed.
‘It’s no laughing matter, Em.’ She folded her arms. ‘I’m all out of options.’
‘I know what that’s like. I’m not exactly swimming in a sea of men either. If I kick this one to the curb, who knows when I’ll get it again? That’s the only reason I’m thinking of giving Henry another chance. So?’ I said, finishing off my latte. ‘Nothing came from the singles’ party, then?’
‘No, not really,’ said Kat. ‘The best thing to come out of that night was meeting you and Rob. I love our WhatsApp chats.’
‘Me too,’ I said. ‘Rob is a sweetie.’
‘Yeah, he is a lovely guy. Happy Solos are having another big party in a couple of weeks, but I’m not sure about going.’
‘Oh, really?’
‘Yeah,’ said Kat. ‘I’m just wondering if it’s all a bit contrived, you know? Let’s get a load of single people in a room together and they will find love. I don’t think it’s that simple.’
‘I see what you’re saying,’ I said. ‘On the other hand, it is nice to know that everyone there is in the same boat. The worst thing is to spot a guy you like, only to find out he’s married, so it does remove that kind of risk.’ Gosh. I’d just said something positive about going to a singles’ event. Wonders will never cease.
‘You’ve got a point. I don’t know, though. I’ll see. By then I’ll probably be climbing the walls and will be so horny I’ll grab the first guy who asks for my number. Better ask my sister now if she can have the kids overnight.’
‘A woman on a mission!’
‘A woman who knows what she needs and isn’t afraid to get it. Yep. That’s me,’ said Kat. ‘Guilty as charged.’
‘High five to that,’ I said as we slapped hands. ‘Here’s to going after what we want and
getting satisfaction both in and outside of the bedroom.’
Chapter Fourteen
Miracles do happen.
I was on my way to another Chloe activity and was actually excited. I couldn’t wait to get there. Why? Because I was going to an event that I reckoned I’d enjoy: a life drawing class.
I’d always been passionate about art, which is why I was an illustrator. But when I was younger and used to lock myself away for hours on end sketching in my bedroom, dreaming about being a grown up, this wasn’t exactly the career I’d hoped for. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made a good living. It’s just that after doing pretty much the same thing for so many years, I was kind of over it. I was bored. I didn’t find it challenging. Everyone always assumed my job was super exciting, and it definitely could be. But because I was nervous about pitching for new, more glamorous briefs, I ended up just sticking with the clients I’d worked with for ages or accepting the jobs that no one else wanted.
A recent highlight was doing illustrations for a series of health leaflets about going to the bathroom. Yep, that’s right. How long it should take to do a number two and what the colour, shape, size and consistency of your poo said about your health. When I’d accepted that project, that’s when I’d known my career was officially heading down the toilet. Pun totally intended. It paid fairly well, so I shouldn’t grumble. It was just that drawing diagrams of body waste and other things I had no interest in all day long wasn’t the kind of career I’d had in mind.
I used to dream of creating my own cool designs, bringing exciting ideas to life. Producing huge works of art. Big paintings. Large-scale artwork—much bigger than just an A4 sheet of paper. Doing stuff that was fun. Seeing my creations on people’s walls one day. That kind of thing.
I wasn’t talking about becoming some mega-popular artist. I had no desire to be famous. For me, it was never about being adored by other artists or having my work displayed in galleries. No, it was more about having the opportunity to truly express myself. To feel passionate and happy about the work I’d produced. And of course for people to pay for my work, as I knew that I needed more than just passion to pay the bills.
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