by Asha Lemmie
And since she is in my house, they will talk about me as well. I have already heard that Mary Lambert, my tennis partner, has been hinting that Nori and I are secret lovers. That I am hiding her out of spiteful jealousy and forbidden lust.
How ridiculous.
I turn to her and squeeze her hand.
“Won’t you please?”
Her brow knits, but I can tell by the tilt of her mouth that I have won.
“But it will be small?” she peeps.
“Oh, quite. And we’ll do it at my country house. It will be lovely.”
She folds. “As you wish.”
Windsor, England
June 1964
Small. Intimate.
Small . . . intimate.
Meaning two hundred people all packed into the grand ballroom of Alice’s country estate, a few miles away from Windsor Castle.
But the chatter around Nori was nothing more than white noise.
This was the way she had survived.
She retreated to a place, deep inside herself, where nothing could touch her. The years had stretched on, one cold winter into the next, and she floated along as best she could. It was all she could do to keep her head above water.
But she had made a promise. To Ayame. And to Akira.
Even now, to think the name nearly took her out at the knees.
Loneliness and exhaustion had finally got the best of her, driving her into the arms of the closest thing she had to family. But just now, she was wishing she’d stayed in the rented cottages and hotel rooms, the cabins on the sea voyages she took with no specific destination in mind.
She was a wanderer, and she was meant to be alone.
It was who she was, who she had always been destined to be. To deny that was disastrous.
But for the first time since her sun had set all those years ago, she was truly torn. She wanted, so desperately, to believe that she had been punished enough.
There was a flutter of motion above the surface. Someone was talking to her.
It was a large woman wearing a sparkling pink gown, long white gloves, and too much jewelry for good taste. She had Alice’s delicate features, but they were all but lost in the wide, white moon face.
Jane. Age: thirty-one. Alice’s sister, whom she hates. But not as much as the other one.
“And are you enjoying your time in London, Miss Noriko?”
“Oh,” she said. “Yes, thank you. Alice is so gracious for having me.”
Jane squinted. “And how did you meet my dear little sister again?”
This lie had already been repeated half a dozen times.
“We met in finishing school,” she parroted. “It was great fun.”
Jane nodded. She of course knew that Alice had never been to finishing school. But she let the comment pass.
“And what about you? What brings you here now?”
Nori smoothed out the skirt of her lavender gown. It was the simplest thing she’d been able to find in Alice’s closet.
“Just on my travels,” she said simply.
Jane nodded vigorously. “I see, I see, and will you go back to China soon? Or will you be staying?”
Nori felt a ripple of irritation.
“Japan, actually. I’ve never been to China.”
Jane waved a hand as if it really made no difference whether it was one savage Eastern country or the other.
“Yes, yes. And you’re planning on staying here?”
“Alice has asked that I do, yes.”
Jane stretched her thin lips over her teeth in a pained smile.
“I see. And you have no family of your own? Nothing to speak of? No money? You’re just going to live with my sister and eat her food, then?”
Nori flushed.
“And I see that’s her gown as well,” Jane continued. Her blue eyes were sharp. “Though in fairness you fill it out much better. But still, Miss Noriko, I do wonder what you hope to gain from all of this.”
Nori felt something she had not felt in a long time. It was just a spark, but it was there: pride.
“My family is kin to the royal house of my country,” she said quietly. “And as a result I have a great deal of money.”
This was still partially true. She still had most of the money she’d inherited. A combination of frugal living and the occasional odd job knitting sweaters or embroidering curtains meant that she was still a wealthy woman in her own right.
Jane raised an overplucked eyebrow. “I see, I see. But you’re not married?”
“No.”
“And are you on the market, then?” Jane spit, her polite facade finally dropped. “Is that your plan? To trick my sister into getting you a rich Englishman to marry?”
Nori blinked at her. “Why would I be remotely interested in that?”
“Because that’s what your kind always wants,” Jane snapped. “Grasping social climbers. New money, or old money with no name attached. D’you suppose we’re all as stupid as she is? You come here, with your exotic charms—”
“I have no interest in any men.”
“So you are unnatural, then? The rumors are true?”
“What? No, I—”
“It’s obvious that you’re half-caste,” she said, lowering her voice to a chilling whisper. “At best. You’re not fooling anyone, with that horrible Negro hair of yours. I see you for what you are. I know you’re not some pretty little Eastern blossom. You’re a weed.”
And with that, she stalked off into the crowd.
Nori stood there, with the champagne glass shaking in her hand.
Jane had found, with perfect precision, the weak spot in her armor.
She put the glass down and left the room.
By this point in the evening, she was hoping everyone would be too drunk to notice that the guest of honor was gone.
She slipped through the corridor and down the back stairs. There was only one place she could go to put her fractured pieces back together.
The air was sticky and humid, but Nori didn’t care. She walked out into the English-style garden and hid behind a hedge manicured to look like a cherub.
There was an old willow tree in front of her. She wondered if it was possible to climb it in a designer gown.
It would take some concentration to erase this new memory. But she knew she could do it. And then she would slip back beneath the surface, into the place where the lights danced above but never touched her.
She caught a flurry of motion out of the corner of her eye. Before she could even blink, William had pulled her into his arms.
“I knew it was you,” he whispered into her hair. “I knew you’d come back to me eventually.”
She sighed. She’d known it was only a matter of time before she’d have to face him.
“William. How did you get in?” she asked quietly. “Alice went through a great deal of trouble to keep your name off the list.”
William pulled back to look into her face, and his sapphire eyes were sparkling with triumph.
“I bribed a servant to let me into the back gardens. I knew you’d come.”
Nori sighed again. Somehow, it was not jarring to see William again. It was as if she’d seen him only yesterday.
“Am I so predictable?”
William grinned widely, but then it faded. He looked down.
“I was deeply sorry to hear about Akira.”
“I know,” she said, and it was true.
“But you survived.”
Nori turned her face away. “In a manner of speaking.”
William hesitated for the first time. “Are you . . . are you all right?”
She nodded. “Your cousin Jane . . .”
His face darkened. “What did she say to you?”
She waved a hand. “I
t doesn’t matter.”
He took her hand and guided her over to the willow tree. “And has it been very difficult for you?”
She stared at him. He turned scarlet, realizing too late what a stupid question this was.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have . . . I mean . . . You’re even more beautiful, Nori. You look so well. I just wondered if you . . . if you’ve suffered all these years. Or if you’ve managed to find some level of peace.”
She shrugged. “A bit of both.”
He lifted her chin so that she was forced to look into his eyes. His touch was familiar and, this time, nonthreatening. He wasn’t the giant he’d once been to her.
“I won’t hurt you,” he whispered. “If you allow me . . . I will keep you safe. I loved Akira like a brother. I loved you too, even if I was—” He broke off. “You were right about me. I was jealous, I was fatally jealous. I wanted your light. I wanted your adoration, I wanted you and I didn’t know how else to . . . I’m sorry, Nori.”
Against all odds, she felt a rising sympathy for him—the only person who had known Akira as she had, regardless of what else he was.
“There’s no need for this,” she told him gently. “It’s okay.”
“So it can be just as it was,” he demanded. “But better.”
She shook her head, a sad smile tugging at her lips. “It can never be as it was, William. I’m not the same girl.”
He lifted her up and spun her around.
“I’ll fix you. I love you.”
She felt the tears come. They were rare now, and they came from a place inside her she thought had already died long ago.
“Oh, William. You can’t.”
He kissed her tearstained cheeks, then her nose, then her lips. The last one set her teeth on edge.
“Watch me.”
“Will, stop.”
“Marry me. Be mine.”
And there it was.
She felt, as if it were fresh, the pain of a night in another garden, a world away, a lifetime ago. She pulled away.
“I can’t,” she whispered.
“Nonsense,” he scoffed. “Of course you can. I don’t care what anyone says, my family can all be damned. And we know Alice will support us—once she gets over the shock.”
“That’s not why.”
He drew back to look at her. “Then why, little love?”
“I . . .”
“Don’t you care for me?”
She closed her eyes. “I did. Once. But, Will, I already told you before—”
“Hush. We just need to get accustomed to each other again. So marry me.”
“I will never marry,” she said quietly. “I will never have children.”
He accepted this without a fight. “Fine, then. Convention be damned as well. Just stay with me.”
Nori took a deep breath. “Will. I don’t want you. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to keep opening this wound. Please leave me alone.”
Will staggered backwards. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m asking you nicely. If you don’t, I’ll tell Alice the truth.”
He glowered at her. “Tell her what? That you threw yourself at me? Shamelessly sneaking into the music room at night to see me? That you paraded yourself in front of me like those whores in your brothel?”
She didn’t shrink before his anger.
“I was an innocent,” she said, very low. “And I wanted someone like you—someone like I thought you were—to love me. And you twisted it. You can’t twist it now. I’m not weak anymore.”
He rolled his eyes at her. “Don’t be so dramatic.”
“Don’t belittle me,” she hissed at him. “The scales fell from my eyes long ago.”
He switched tactics. She could see it now—the very moment that he decided to be charming.
“Ah, love. Let’s not fight.”
“We aren’t fighting,” she said clearly. “You’re leaving.”
His eyes went cold, though he was still smiling. “Why did you come to see me, then? In Paris? If you wanted nothing from me?”
She hesitated, and he pounced.
“Just give me a chance to make you happy,” he insisted. “Can’t you do that? For old times’ sake, for him, can’t you do that? He would have wanted you to be happy.”
He took her hands and pulled her close. “Nori?”
“I want to be happy,” she managed. Her heart was pounding.
“So stay with me.”
She shook her head. “Will, there’s nothing you can say to change my mind. This isn’t a negotiation, or a game you can find a way to win. This is no.”
He looked dumbfounded. He took a step towards her, and she took a step back.
“Nori?” he said again, in that pitiful way that let her know that beneath it all, there was a spoiled child who couldn’t bear to be refused. “Nori?”
She drew herself up to her full height. “Goodbye, Will.”
He didn’t say anything. He just lowered his head and walked away.
Bath, England
August 1964
Alice’s belly was curved like a fat cauldron as she neared full term. Nori helped her friend as much as she could now, as Alice was tired most of the time. She spent most of the day sleeping.
The summer estate in Bath was large and beautiful, having been mostly unchanged since the sixteenth century. It sat on a large patch of land bordering a clear lake.
Nori felt more at home here than she did in bustling London.
Escaping the city had been a good decision for them all. George had been unable to come but sent little gifts and tokens for his wife and daughters every week.
Nori loved to take the girls on boat rides, and often they would dock in a quiet, shady spot and have a picnic. She had come to care for them both as if they were her own, and as she very much doubted she’d ever have any children, they were especially dear to her.
It was just the four of them now, and a few select members of the staff—Bess, Alice’s favorite lady in waiting; Maud, the nanny; and Noah Rowe, the new music teacher. The girls were quite attached to him, and Charlotte, who was nearly six, swore she wouldn’t go if he couldn’t come too.
Though she tried to stay away, sometimes Nori would sit in on the music lessons.
Charlotte was learning to play the piano, and Matilda would shake a small tambourine and giggle.
They sang too, learning songs about queens and kings, fairies and heroes.
Noah was a bright, smiling youth of nineteen with a mass of curly black hair and dazzling pale blue eyes, as wide and dreamy as the summer sky. He was from a place called Cornwall, and his accent was far less refined than Alice’s. But he spoke clearly and his voice was warm.
Nori had liked him on sight.
But she kept her distance.
She could feel his eyes on her, sometimes at first, but now it was constant. Every time she entered a room, his head would snap up and he’d pin his gaze on her and turn the color of a tomato.
Alice noticed, of course, being terribly bored in this country setting and ravenous for a hint of scandal or gossip.
The two of them lay sprawled out on a blanket in the garden. A Beatles song was playing on the radio. A little ways away, Noah was chasing the girls through the trees as they screamed and laughed.
“He’s a sweet one, isn’t he?” Alice said lazily. She hadn’t even bothered to change out of her nightdress today.
Nori closed her eyes and spread her palms up to face the sun. “Yes, he is.”
“And do you think he is very handsome?”
“Oh, Alice, don’t start.”
“Well, he is,” she pressed cheekily. “Though he has no name to speak of and certainly no money, for I pay him next to nothing.”
“He is litt
le more than a child.”
Alice snorted. “You’re twenty-four, not ninety. How can you call him a child?”
“He knows nothing of the world.”
Alice raised an eyebrow. “I’m guessing from the way he looks at you that he’s seen more than you have in some departments.”
“Alice.”
“Well, it’s true!” she protested. “I don’t know how you manage it, it’s like you have ice water in your veins. All of these handsome men looking at you and you stand like a statue. I have never once seen you look back.”
“I’m not interested.”
“And there was no one in your travels? Not one?”
Nori sighed. “No, Alice.”
“How do you manage? I’m married, so I have no choice. But you are free to sample many delights and you turn your nose up at them all.”
“Why do you have to be so primitive?” Nori grumbled. “It’s hardly ladylike.”
Alice leaned up on her elbows. The rest of her was so thin and her belly was so big that she looked like she was constantly about to topple over.
“That is a term invented by men who wanted the freedom to have their hypocrisy go unchecked,” she said smartly. “And there’s nothing wrong with desire. It’s human. And I feel sorry for you that you’ve never known it.”
“I’m not made of stone,” Nori said wearily. “And I’m not blind. Of course he is very handsome. And he’s kind and funny and . . .” She felt warmth creep into her voice against her will. “And honest. I think he’s very much himself.”
Alice squealed and seized Nori’s hands.
“You do like him. I knew it!”
“It doesn’t matter,” she said levelly, “as there isn’t any point.”
Alice’s gray eyes were knowing. “Oh, my dear girl. You can’t shut yourself away from love forever. For you are love embodied and it will never stop trying to find you.”
* * *
Despite her better judgment, Nori found herself hovering outside of the door to the music room that evening. She could hear the sound of rudimentary piano playing.
Charlotte was laughing.
Nori went in without knocking. Just as she’d suspected, Noah was sitting on the bench beside Charlotte. The little girl’s face lit up when she saw who it was.