“Sure, Sis,” Shea said softly, wiping away a tear.
While Rokar was tempted to pull Tess into his arms and soothe her, he knew better. He understood the faraway look in her eyes all too well. The incredible pain she suffered. Because whatever had happened, her child had not survived.
He'd felt her torture as she heard its heartbeat again. The terror she’d felt when she looked at Axle. He clenched his fists, and tried to remain calm, tried not to shake with the rage coursing through him. What had the man done? What torture had he put her and her child through?
Instead, he, like the rest of them remained quiet while Tess worked through emotions he knew firsthand she had spent years trying to get under control. Years trying to overcome just to have them ripped open again in a split second.
While he knew she was tempted to run away and crawl inside herself, instead she stayed and drank a bit more before she finally met her sister’s eyes and spoke. “You were trying to call me...” She swallowed hard, determined, it seemed to face this rather than avoid it which he gave her a tremendous amount of credit for. “I found out later when I saw my phone that you had been calling me, Shea.”
“That’s what triggered what just happened then,” Shea murmured.
“That in combination with the weather,” Rokar said softly, sitting beside Tess. “I was there in your mind’s eye too...I saw the storm you weren’t paying attention to any more than I was mine.”
Barely checked emotion simmered in her eyes when they turned to his. “The same storm then?” Her lips trembled ever-so-slightly as she pressed them together, shook her head, and tried to deny it. “Please tell me it wasn’t the same storm that took your family from you...the same one that brought me to you...that rages in your eyes...that colors your mark...”
Rather than respond, he simply held her hand, not sure what to say. Not sure what cruel trick Skáld had played on them. What had they done in a previous life to deserve such wrath as their children being taken from them? Because her child had been taken and while he suspected Axle had something to do with it, so did the storm that raged beyond.
“Hell,” she whispered, then downed more mead. “What are we supposed to make of all this?”
He shook his head. “I wish I knew.”
Her eyes met his again, both sad and angry. “How could I have not noticed that storm? How was my dragon unaware...” She closed her eyes and released a ragged breath before she opened them to him once more. “I couldn’t shift either...not when I needed to most.”
When Shea went to speak, Rokar shook his head. He knew her sister meant well, but unless someone experienced firsthand what he and Tess had they couldn’t comprehend where Tess’s mind was at right now. How volatile she really was. How unstable when she had spent years trying to stabilize.
“Something suppressed our dragons,” he said gently. “And we will figure out what or who.” He cupped her cheek, glad when she didn’t pull away. “Until then, I’m here for you, Tess. Here in whatever way you need me.”
“I don’t know what way that is,” she whispered hoarsely. “Because I’ve never shared this with anyone.”
He nodded, his heart going out to her for how alone she’d been. How alone they had both been. Not because they lacked people who cared about them, but because based on what he saw in her eyes, they blamed themselves for their loss.
Her eyes lingered on his for another moment before she seemed to meet her situation halfway and looked at Shea. “I’ll tell you and our sisters everything when I’m ready, okay?” She stood. “For now I need some breathing room to think.”
Rather than go outside, she headed deeper into the cave but stopped before going down one of the tunnels. “I think at this point you're part of my breathing room, Rokar.”
Then she was gone.
Rokar nodded thanks when Leviathan handed over more skins of mead then met Shea's worried eyes before he followed Tess. “She will be all right...she’s very strong.”
Shea nodded and wiped away another tear. “I know but thanks for the reassurance.”
Still not sure what to say or do to comfort Tess, he followed her down several narrow tunnels before she stopped in a circular cave where she sat against a wall, rested her elbows on bent knees and held her head. Not surprisingly considering Níðhöggr controlled everything in his Realm, there were wall torches he could light but decided he’d wait to see if she wanted that or if for now, she preferred darkness.
“Darkness for now,” she murmured into his mind. “Come sit beside me, Rokar.”
So he did and waited, doing his best not to think about what he’d seen through her mind’s eye earlier, so it didn’t trouble her.
“If only I could escape it that easily,” she murmured aloud. “But the truth is, no matter how far I drove back home, no matter how hard I tried to escape, it was always right there.”
“I understand,” he said.
“I know you do.” She rested her head back against the rock. “But it seems, in the end, the only way to get past it is to go through it...all over again.”
“So it seems,” he replied, giving her honesty. “Yet it wasn’t as difficult this time for me as it was in the past. I don’t know if that’s because time has gone by or if you being here made the difference...though I suspect it’s the latter of the two.”
“I know what you mean,” she said softly. “When it all initially happened, I could barely see past the shock to grieve. Now was more like reliving it but with a little more distance between me and the pain if that makes sense.”
“It does,” he replied, understanding perfectly.
“Tell me more about the good times, Rokar,” she said. “Tell me about happy memories with Bjárr and Helga.”
He got that she needed to balance her emotions. To find some good in all the bad.
“I married Helga within months of meeting her,” he revealed, recalling the celebration at the Fortress. “Bjárr was born less than a year later.”
“Wow, you didn’t wait around.”
“Why wait?” He smiled, remembering Bjárr’s birth. “I always wanted children, and my son was the perfect start...” He trailed off, considerate of her delicate state right now. “Would you rather I not talk about that day?”
“No, please, go on,” she murmured. “I feel like I already know Bjárr and I’d like to hear about his birth day.”
“Yes?”
“Yes,” she reassured.
Rokar reflected on the day. “He smiled nearly the moment he was out of his mother’s womb.” He shook his head. “And never once cried. It was as if he wanted to be here...wanted to be amongst his people again.”
“I’ll bet everybody loved him.”
“Yes.” He remembered how Bjárr embraced everyone around him. “Whether related or not, everybody was kin to him. He made them feel as if he belonged to each and every one of them and them to him.”
“Sounds like he was an amazing kid,” she said. “I wish I’d gotten a chance to meet him.” He heard the hesitation in her voice. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Why not?” Though tempted to put his hand over hers, he refrained. “He would have liked you...Helga would have too.”
“Oh, I don’t know about Helga liking me,” she began before she cursed under her breath. “Sorry, I’m just raw right now. Speaking without thinking.”
In truth, Tess and Helga were very different women. So maybe he should have phrased it another way. “She would have liked that you are here now. That I finally had someone to talk to who understood.”
“And I do,” she said softly. “I wish I could say I had a guy in my past who would care enough you were here for me but...” she sighed. “Even from the afterlife, Axle wouldn’t give a shit.”
“He’s dead then?” he asked before he could stop himself because that’s what it sounded like...felt like.
“Yeah, he’s dead,” she whispered. Silence fell for several moments before she continue
d. “And as bad as it sounds, I wish I’d killed him.”
“But you did not,” he reminded because he knew she needed to hear it. “You never acted on your anger, Tess.” He felt her rage and hatred as though it was his. “You never went through with it but left.”
“That’s right.” She chanted, and several wall torches flared to life. Her eyes were on his as she seethed, “I was a coward and ran when I should be in jail for life right now.”
While tempted to say Axle deserved it, that isn’t what she needed to hear. “You’re not a killer, and what good would jail do you?” He shook his head. “Your dragon would go mad...as would you because you’re not that person.”
“Aren’t I though?” Her brows slammed together. “I killed an Årud in cold blood today but didn’t have the balls to end Axle when I knew what kind of monster he was?”
“That’s different,” he said. “You killed to protect your sisters today. To protect all of us. All of Midgard.”
“Yeah.” She blinked away tears. “I did all that but couldn’t do the same to protect...” Her eyes stayed with his as she ground out, “Fuck,” then squeezed them shut and held her head in her hands again. “I can’t even look someone in the eyes and say it.”
He no longer cared if she wanted to be touched but wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. She could flail, push him away, anything she wanted, but this had to happen.
He had to comfort her.
As it turned out, though she trembled she didn’t pull away but leaned into him, her emotions strong as they tumbled against his mind. When he tried to soothe those emotions, it almost seemed like her dragon pushed harder. Wanted him to know. Be a part of her grief.
Better yet, help her work through it.
Memories flashed in his mind. Emotions. Happiness, uncertainness, self-doubt, sadness, anger, rage then untouchable misery. Good times with Axle that morphed into something else as time went on.
“I started to notice it about halfway through my pregnancy,” she said softly. “I should’ve left then. I should have gotten the hell out...”
Her words faded, and more memories bombarded him. The abusive words Axle began saying. His unexpected cruelty. How it built and built until that fateful day.
“He hadn’t been physically abusive up until that point,” she whispered. “But I could see it in his eyes...or so I thought...”
He ground his jaw as the argument they had been having unfolded in his mind. She hadn’t yelled, fearful it would upset the baby, but he had. His fury had been palpable and baseless when he came at her, and she stumbled back.
“I should have taken the hit or defended myself at the very least.” Her voice trembled. “But instead I stumbled and...”
He held her tighter, the crash of thunder and a cell phone ringing in both of their minds now as she stumbled back and fell down the stairs into her darkest memory.
Chapter Seventeen
THOUGH SHE WAS locked firmly in Rokar’s arms, she was back in that moment again. Except this time he was there with her. Seeing what she saw. Feeling what she felt when a clap of thunder brought her to awareness...brought her to her worst nightmare.
“She was all alone in the end,” she whimpered, remembering waking on the floor only to find that due to the trauma of the fall she had miscarried while she was passed out. “Leah had been all alone...” Tears fell as she recalled taking her little girl in her arms. Her little blue dragon. “Her dragon had been trying to save its human half, so she shifted...”
That’s all she got out before she came unraveled and lost it, crying softly against his chest. She had become so good at burying this pain. At some point, she even thought she had pushed past it but knew now that had been wishful thinking. She had just carried it with her. Kept it suppressed.
Rokar never said a word, just held her tightly, once again grounding her in a way she needed more than ever. She felt not just the man but his inner dragon’s empathy. Their incredible sadness for her. She had no idea how long she cried before the tears eventually subsided. Days, hours, maybe just a few minutes.
“I tried to revive her, then held her for God knows how long hoping she would come back to me,” she whispered. “But it was too late...it had been too late the moment I woke.” She swallowed hard, wishing she had done so many things differently. “I think it might’ve been too late the moment I stayed with Axle when I should have run as fast as I could. I did that to her by staying with him when I knew things were changing...I knew he was starting to show his true colors.”
“You cannot blame yourself.” He tilted her chin until their eyes were aligned. “Though you saw what he was becoming, you couldn’t have known it would end that way.” He frowned. “Where was he when you awoke? Why didn't he help you and the baby?”
“I don’t know.” She frowned. “I had a brief flash of him standing over me, but when I woke, he was gone.” She narrowed her eyes, her grief turning to anger as it often did. “He just left us to die.”
“But he is dead now, yes?” he ground out. “You’re sure?”
“Yeah,” she said. “He died in a motorcycle accident.”
“Then at least some justice was served.”
“Sometimes I wish I could have confronted him one last time,” she said. “To punch or scream at him. Something. To ask him how he could’ve been so cruel in the end. It was one thing to walk away from me, but his child?”
“He was the worst kind of man,” he said darkly. “And no kind of dragon.”
“Hell, no.” She rested her cheek against his chest again, grateful he was there.
As he stroked her hair and offered comfort, she found herself wishing Rokar had been Leah’s dad. That her little girl had the opportunity to be loved by a good father. One who wouldn’t have left them to die like Axle did. Rokar would have done everything in his power to save them, seen clearly in what he’d done for his family.
“I would have,” he said softly, pulling her into his mind’s eye, letting her into his final moments with Bjárr. Showing her just how similar their paths had been as his dragon carried his son’s lifeless body to shore that awful day. Everyone had gathered around when Sven tried to bring Bjárr back, but he was too far gone just like Leah had been.
Tears filled her eyes as Rokar held his son in his arms like she had her daughter and wept. His family had come close and offered comfort, not a dry eye to be found while they said goodbye to someone who had touched their lives so profoundly. More tears fell as Tess watched his burial boat burn alongside another on the ocean.
“I went back and looked for Helga,” he whispered. “But I couldn’t find her body. She was gone. So we burned the second boat so that her spirit might travel on with Bjárr’s.”
“I’m so sorry, Rokar,” she said softly. “I can’t imagine what it must’ve felt like to lose both of them at once.”
“My grief is no different than yours,” he said. “We have both been through the very worst a person or dragon can suffer.”
She nodded, telling him all of it. “Hel was there...I saw her then she was gone, but I knew she had come for Leah's spirit. I just knew it.” She swallowed hard. “I saw a flash of the fiery tree too.” Her eyes met his. “But seeing Hel...that moment...that was my glimpse at Helheim. I know it was. I think I craved it, wanted to die right along with my daughter so I could be with her.”
She hesitated several moments, trying to gather herself. “Now I wonder...Do you think Hel's holding onto Leah's soul for me? Like she did with Dagr?”
She knew it was a long shot, but what if?
I hope so,” Rokar said softly.
“Me too.” Tess found a great deal of solace and contentment in his arms. She rested her head against his shoulder, and her eyes drifted shut. In fact, she must have dozed off for a while, because when she awoke, food had been left for them. Emotionally spent but lighter than she had felt in years, she glanced at Rokar only to find his steady eyes on her.
�
�Hey there,” she murmured caught by the way he was looking at her. “How long was I out?”
“A bit.”
“Did you rest at all?”
“It was restful holding you.”
When she went to shift away, his hold on her tightened instinctually before he let go.
“Sorry,” he murmured. “I just...”
When he struggled to find the right words, she offered a small smile and prompted him along. “Liked having me there?”
“Yes.” His eyes stayed with hers. “Very much so.”
“And I liked being there,” she said, just as honest.
Their eyes held for a moment as if both wanted to say more but held back. And she knew why. They might want each other but feared suffering heartache again. Yet they had to take the risk. There was little choice considering they were dragon mates. Which presented even more risk because if what her sisters and their mates suffered in their previous lives was anything to go off of, losing a mate was excruciating.
“You should eat.” He handed her some meat off of a crude wooden plate. “The Ancient has a way with herbs.”
She took a bite and groaned. “Yeah, he does.”
He nodded in agreement and took a bite.
“You should have dug in earlier,” she chastised. “Rather than wait for me to wake up.”
“It was worth the wait.” He eyed her with concern. “How are you feeling, Tess? Any better?”
“I am, actually,” she said. “I think talking about it, sharing, helped some. Thanks for...being there.”
He nodded. “I’m glad I was.”
“Me too,” she said softly. “Looks like we’re both still level too.”
“Yes,” he agreed. “I hope we...I stay this way.”
“It’s okay,” she assured. “You can throw me in the mix too.” She offered a crooked grin. “Not to say I don’t enjoy flirting.”
“Nor I.” He offered a small smile, as well. “With you.”
Viking's Conquest Page 11