Isolating oneself and one’s family from people outside of one’s culture
Health problems due to lack of hygiene and medical care during the forced move
Feeling caught between two cultures; losing one’s sense of identity
Having high expectations for one’s children and pushing them to succeed
Finding and building relationships with others from one’s country
Making sure one’s children maintain a connection to their heritage
Throwing oneself into the culture to learn the language, customs, etc.
Making plans to return to one’s homeland one day
A determination to succeed despite the difficulty
Being grateful for new opportunities and the ways life has improved
Appreciating the small things and not taking anything for granted
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, ambitious, appreciative, courageous, courteous, empathetic, friendly, hospitable, humble, idealistic, independent, industrious, mature, patriotic, persistent, resourceful, responsible
Flaws: Confrontational, devious, hostile, ignorant, insecure, jealous, judgmental, needy, obsessive, possessive, prejudiced, rebellious, resentful, subservient, timid, uncommunicative, violent
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Having to leave one’s home again (due to being evicted, fleeing the authorities, etc.)
Experiencing the same persecution in the new place one was subjected to in the homeland
Communication struggles because of language and cultural differences
Being the target of prejudice or discrimination
Finding oneself in a worse situation in the new place than one faced back home
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Losing a loved one (through separation or death) during the forced migration and not wanting that death to be in vain
Learning that a relative back home is in danger, and having to choose between returning or staying
Being threatened with deportation after settling into the new culture
Witnessing one’s children turning away from their heritage
After living a long time in the new country, seeing signs that it’s headed down the same terrible path of one’s homeland
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING THE VICTIM OF A VICIOUS RUMOR
EXAMPLES: Rumors can be incredibly destructive and hurtful, whether they’re started by a friend or family member, a co-worker or employer, an enemy, a complete stranger, a powerful business rival, or an organization that could benefit from tarnishing one’s reputation. In today’s interconnected world, rumors can have especially far-reaching and long-lasting effects.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
People will believe this about me anyway, so I might as well embrace it.
I can never achieve my hopes and dreams with this hanging over my head.
Why was I targeted? There must be something wrong with me.
If you try to stand out, someone will always cut you down.
Getting back at them will even the score.
My reputation is ruined. All I can do is quit (my career, passion, business, etc.).
Deep down, people are cruel and hateful. They love seeing someone be ripped apart.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Being betrayed by someone (a friend, romantic partner, co-worker, family member, etc.)
Not being believed when it counts most
Revealing personal truths (and possibly having the information used against them)
Being judged and limited by the rumors; not being able to pursue a passion as a result
Being rejected by important people who believe the falsehood
The rumor negatively impacting loved ones
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Withdrawing from others
Avoiding places where people have heard the rumor (the workplace, social media, one’s school, etc.)
Low self-esteem and diminished self-worth
Analyzing oneself for possible defects to help understand why one was targeted
Staying in rather than going out
Avoiding social events and backing out of commitments
Clinging to a trusted family member or friend
Vacillating between anger, embarrassment, and humiliation
Lashing out at the rumormongers
Investigating to find the source; trying to determine who gains from one’s damaged reputation
Seeking vengeance against those who started the rumor
Reluctance to share one’s secrets with others
Believing the lie
Embracing the lie and living as if it was true (if the rumor persists)
Cutting off recently formed relationships
Seeking new relationships with people who have no connection to those spreading the rumor
Granting more power to the rumor than it has (believing that every new acquaintance has heard it, that it has spread farther than it really has, etc.)
Becoming paranoid
Physical responses due to prolonged stress (changes in weight and sleeping habits, increased blood pressure and sickness, etc.)
Making it a goal to prove the rumor wrong
Holding back; saying only what people want to hear to avoid further judgment or friction
Changing schools, switching jobs, or moving in an effort to start over
Throwing oneself into other hobbies, interests, or areas of skill as a way of proving oneself
Expressing one’s true self through writing, dance, or drawing
Guarding one’s words carefully to avoid accidentally starting a rumor that isn’t true
Disdaining gossip; refusing to contribute to the vicious nature of spreading rumors
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Cautious, diplomatic, discreet, empathetic, hospitable, humble, independent, just, kind, merciful, meticulous, observant, patient, persuasive, private, proper, sensible
Flaws: Confrontational, cynical, defensive, evasive, gossipy, hostile, humorless, inhibited, insecure, martyr, obsessive, paranoid, resentful, timid, uncommunicative, vindictive, volatile, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Overhearing people gossip about someone else
Thinking the rumor has died away only to have someone bring it up again
Being sharply questioned (about work, one’s whereabouts, etc.) and having to defend oneself
Someone expressing skepticism over something one has said
Being rejected in a legitimate way (such as losing a condo lease to someone with better credit) but worrying that the rumor is the reason behind it
Seeing the responsible party doing the same thing to someone else
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being put in a situation where the rumor could become truth (e.g., being offered a bribe after one was accused of taking bribes)
Being punished because of the rumor (a business going under, a marriage ending, etc.) and wanting to fight against the injustice
After becoming jaded by the experience, one realizes there are good people in the world and not everyone can be painted with the same brush
Deciding to quit something because of the rumor only to discover that by staying, one can provide something another person vitally needs
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING UNFAIRLY BLAMED FOR SOMEONE’S DEATH
EXAMPLES: Someone might be unfairly blamed for a death when they…
Were unable to deter a friend from driving while impaired
Had a disagreement with someone right before he or she committed suicide
Didn’t pick up a pedestrian who was then struck by a vehicle while walking home
; Weren’t able to stop someone’s risk-taking behavior
Didn’t recognize a friend’s distress (like alcohol poisoning) because of their own impairment
Weren’t able to protect a sibling from their own bad decisions
Were the eldest child and a tragedy occurred (e.g., playing outside and a younger sister was kidnapped)
Were roughhousing with a friend who suffered a sudden fall or freak accident
Were unable to reach someone in time (a lifeguard and a drowning swimmer, a fireman and the victim of a house fire, a police officer unable to talk down a jumper, etc.)
Needed to save two people but only had the time or resources to save one
Were wearing a helmet during a quad accident but a friend was not
Were driving during a no-fault accident where someone was killed
Took a sick day and the co-worker covering the shift was killed in a robbery
Missed the signs of a loved one’s depression and her plan to take her own life
Were a child who was blamed when their mother died during childbirth
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I should have died instead of my sister (or cousin, mother, friend, etc.).
To make amends, I must live life the way the deceased would have if he (or she) had lived.
I will never be able to make it up to the deceased and the person who blames me.
I do not deserve to be happy or have good things happen.
I am a terrible mother (or father, sister, brother, wife, husband, etc.) for not seeing what was unfolding.
I am not capable of being in charge or making important decisions.
To prove I am capable and worthy, I must be responsible for everything and excel at all I do.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Relationships and being responsible for others
Vulnerability
Making mistakes, especially if the death was due to poor judgment
Decision-making and choices, especially those that involve other people
Taking a risk and it leading to more loss of life
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Extreme guilt and remorse, even though one was not at fault
Walking on eggshells around those who voice blame
Difficulty with trust and relationships
Shifting between confusion and anger at being persecuted
Always wanting to justify or defend oneself
Being unable to move forward in a healthy way (in relationships, by pursing a passion or dream, etc.)
Focusing on the past and what one could have done differently
Withdrawing from friends and family
Being prone to stress and anxiety; needing to go on medication
Drinking heavily or using drugs to escape
Second-guessing oneself
Being defensive about one’s responsibility for what happened
Mood swings
Having trouble sleeping; experiencing nightmares about the accident or event
Having low self-worth, and constantly pushing oneself toward perfection to make up for it
Sacrificing oneself for others, even to the point of being taken advantage of
Trying to be all things for everyone by taking on more work and responsibility
Avoiding responsibility, decision-making, and anything that puts one in charge of others
Always taking the easy path
Hesitating to act out of a fear of choosing incorrectly
Becoming overprotective of loved ones
Recognizing one isn’t to blame and that one can’t buy into the grief of those unable to move on
Working to help the dead party’s family (being available, starting a college fund for a child, etc.)
Being slower to blame others until one can be certain of their guilt
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, appreciative, honorable, introverted, just, merciful, nurturing, observant, private, protective, responsible, sentimental, socially aware, spiritual, supportive
Flaws: Addictive, compulsive, controlling, defensive, evasive, indecisive, inflexible, inhibited, insecure, morbid, paranoid, pessimistic, resentful, self-destructive, uncommunicative, volatile, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Situations similar to the one that involved the death
Meeting the victim’s loved ones unexpectedly during an outing
The annual anniversary of the incident
Encountering things associated with the victim (a stuffed dog, a specific hand lotion scent, a hat she would have loved, etc.)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being in charge when something goes wrong (a child gets hurt or one’s carpool vehicle breaks down on the roadside) and having to act quickly to save someone
Being rejected by an important person in one’s life due to the accident
Feeling unfulfilled in one’s job or relationships due to an inability to take risks or be responsible
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
EXPERIENCING POVERTY
EXAMPLES
Having an addicted or disabled parent who couldn’t keep steady employment
Being raised by grandparents on a fixed budget
Living in a refugee camp
Being kicked out of one’s home and having to live on the street
Growing up in a dangerous neighborhood
Being forced to flee one’s homeland to start over elsewhere
Becoming homeless for reasons out of one’s control
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
If you don’t toughen up, you won’t make it.
You do whatever it takes to survive.
Money is everything.
You have to fight to keep people from taking what’s yours.
Life is about making sure you always have enough.
The world doesn’t care about you when you’re poor.
Right and wrong are luxuries I can’t afford.
If I make one mistake, it could happen again.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Being forced to go without (food, shelter, medicine, etc.)
Being targeted and harmed for what they have
Being victimized (by hate groups, the government, police, criminals, etc.)
Never having anything better in life
That their children will also become caught in a cycle of poverty
That one accident or emergency will push them from poverty into homelessness
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Believing the system is rigged; having no aspirations to escape poverty
Doing whatever it takes (good or bad) to get out of poverty: working twice as hard as others, making sacrifices, getting an education, bending ethical rules, etc.
Making grandiose escape plans that one knows one won’t ever try
Becoming hardened and tough
Not thinking farther ahead than the next paycheck or rent bill
Spending money foolishly because one wasn’t taught to save or be smart with it
Having preconceived ideas about people with money
Believing what one has always been told: You’re stupid, you’ll never get out of this neighborhood, you’ll never be good at anything.
Living on high alert, always on the lookout for danger
Living as a multi-generational family unit out of necessity
Making due with less to avoid going soft
Hoarding money, food, medicine, or other supplies to feel safe
Working multiple jobs to make ends meet or to build a nest egg to safeguard the future
Despising those who have
discriminated in the past, like police officers, the well-to-do, or one’s in-laws
Growing up and continuing the cycle of poverty (getting pregnant at a young age, not finishing school, having minimal skills, etc.)
If one is now affluent, surrounding oneself with symbols of wealth
Pushing one’s children to work hard to succeed
Taking good care of one’s sentimental or valuable items
Being deeply loyal to those who have been faithful through hard times
Adopting a community mindset so one has support if times get tough again
Avoiding repeating the cycle by making responsible life choices (choosing a stable neighborhood and job, saving for the future, living modestly, etc.)
Promoting education and teaching personal responsibility so one’s children are prepared for life
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, adventurous, ambitious, appreciative, bold, cautious, centered, empathetic, focused, humble, idealistic, industrious, objective, persistent, protective, resourceful, studious, talented
Flaws: Abrasive, addictive, apathetic, callous, confrontational, cruel, cynical, devious, disrespectful, foolish, frivolous, hostile, humorless, ignorant, inhibited, jealous, macho, mischievous
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Experiencing hunger or going without, even for a short time
Bills that come due all at once, leaving one feeling overwhelmed
The threat that if anything goes wrong (a trip to the emergency room, a car dying, a job loss, etc.) it could tip one back into poverty
Seeing a vagrant on the street
Running into a childhood friend who is still stuck in the same situation
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Escaping poverty yet experiencing the same discrimination one did as a child (for race, religion, etc.)
Trying to better one’s situation only to be knocked down by random circumstances
Watching a child fall into traps (quitting school, doing hard drugs, etc.) that could lead to poverty
The Emotional Wound Thesaurus Page 21