BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I would have been a terrible mother and my child is better off.
My child must hate me, so I should stay away.
If my child seeks me out, I should refuse to see him rather than have him learn what a disappointment I am.
My child will never forgive me for giving him or her up.
My child must hate me, and with good reason.
My child will never believe how much I wanted her, so I shouldn’t try to explain.
I gave up my child, so I deserve to be alone.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Meeting their child and disappointing him or her
Facing a daughter or son’s anger at being given up
Never knowing what happened to the child
That the child knows they are adopted and is struggling with low self-worth because of it
Family members discovering the adoption (if it was a secret)
That the child is being mistreated, needs help, is sick, etc.
Being rejected by family members for giving up the child
The child may show up at the door one day
The child will never seek them out
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Feeling guilt and regret at giving up one’s child
An inability to move past the event
Breaking down and crying when one thinks about the child
Angry outbursts that result from bottled-up feelings
Self-medicating with alcohol or sedatives
Feeling guilty when others discuss their own children and the trials of rearing them
Wondering what one’s child looks like
Looking into the mirror and trying to imagine which features the child might share
Daydreaming about having a relationship with the child
Seeing one’s resemblance in random children and wondering if they might be one’s child
Struggling to care about day-to-day activities, like laundry, shopping, and work
Anger at those who withheld support when the decision was made
Anger at the birth father (for his abandonment, getting one pregnant, etc.)
Alternating between jealousy of the adoptive parents and wishing them well for the child’s sake
Buying small gifts for one’s child and hiding them away
Buying age-appropriate clothing, then donating them to charity
Depression around the child’s birthday and the day one gave him or her up
Thoughts of suicide and feelings of low self-worth
Searching social media or other public records to try and find one’s child
Seeking to discover the child’s current identity
Writing letters to one’s child and then hiding or destroying them so they cannot be found
Dreams (positive and negative ones) that involve the child
A deep sense of loss that never abates
Imagining the child on important holidays (opening gifts at Christmas, blowing out candles on a birthday, etc.)
Adopting another child or starting a family in hopes of easing the pain
Learning to practice self-care and self-forgiveness
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Affectionate, bold, curious, empathetic, focused, idealistic, imaginative, loyal, nurturing, persistent, private, protective, resourceful, sentimental, unselfish
Flaws: Cowardly, defensive, disorganized, impatient, impulsive, insecure, jealous, obsessive, resentful, self-destructive, subservient, uncommunicative, withdrawn, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Running into the birth father
Birthdays and holidays
Having to buy baby gifts for other new parents
Discovering that a family member has chosen to terminate a pregnancy or adopt a child
News coverage about abusive parents, especially adoptive ones
Seeing a boy or girl that looks the way one imagines the relinquished child might look
Businesses that cater to new parents
Being in a restaurant or airplane where a crying baby is present
TV commercials featuring babies
Movies about adoption
The relinquished child’s eighteenth birthday (when he or she can request birth documents)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
A pregnancy
Being contacted by the relinquished child
The adoption agency reaching out
One’s family or spouse finding out about the child that was given up
Being diagnosed with an illness where a familial donor is needed
The desire to start a family
A rekindled relationship with the birth father
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
HAVING AN ABORTION
NOTES: The decision to have an abortion is never an easy one. Often this choice is the result of failed contraceptives, fetal birth defects, a pregnancy that is the product of rape or incest, an inability to care for and support a child, the pregnancy being unwanted, and when the mother, child, or both risk mortal danger if the pregnancy continues.
This wound can effect both parents, but because it is the female’s body and she typically has ingrained maternal feelings regarding childbearing, this trauma impacts women more often than men. How a character deals with this event will depend on the circumstances, level of support, whether one was coerced into getting an abortion, one’s personal and spiritual beliefs, if violence or abuse was involved, and whether there was a legitimate threat to the mother or baby’s life.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I should have resisted the pressure. I am a terrible person for failing to protect my child.
I should never have children as I am clearly unfit to be a parent.
Because of what I did, I deserve the bad things that happen to me.
If people discover what I did, they will shun me.
Some secrets should never be told, no matter how much they hurt.
Family only supports you in good times, not bad.
Hard times reveal the truth: love is conditional.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Condemnation from the church
That others will discover she had an abortion
Getting pregnant again
Being judged by God
Being judged by loved ones
That she may not be able to have children when the time is right
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Feeling emotional numbness at times
Periods of sadness and depression
Suppressing one’s grief, especially when the abortion is a secret
Sleeplessness and nightmares
Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs
Difficulty concentrating
Avoiding people and places with children, especially babies
Confusion and mixed emotions (relief that the crisis is over, grief at the loss, frustration at feeling one must keep it quiet, regret, etc.)
Struggles with current relationships (providing the support one’s partner needs, viewing them differently if they pushed for the abortion, etc.)
Having a difficult time pursuing new romantic relationships
Developing an eating disorder
Sexual dysfunction (a loss of pleasure, pain during intercourse, frigidity, avoiding sex, etc.)
Suicidal thoughts, or acting on one’s suicidal thoughts
Crying as feelings of grief or shame hit
Isolating oneself; pulling away from family, friends, and one’s partner
Putting on a false front to pretend one is fine
Difficulty bonding with one’s other children out of gu
ilt
Finding it difficult to relax or enjoy the little things
Becoming a workaholic
Feeling guilty when putting one’s desires before others
Trying to be a “super-parent” to one’s surviving children
An obsession with what one’s child would have looked like had he or she been born
Anger at people who pushed for the abortion or contributed to the situation that led to it
Being plagued with doubt about important decisions
Avoiding pregnancy, even if one wishes to be a parent
Believing one is being punished when bad things happen
Opening up about one’s abortion to someone trustworthy
Going to a therapist to process one’s emotions
Becoming a strong pro-life supporter or advocate for a woman’s right to choose
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Ambitious, analytical, discreet, empathetic, gentle, industrious, introverted, merciful, nurturing, private, proactive, protective, sentimental
Flaws: Abrasive, addictive, defensive, forgetful, humorless, impulsive, insecure, judgmental, martyr, obsessive, promiscuous, subservient, superstitious
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
The baby’s due date
Passing a playground filled with children
Being invited to a baby shower
Driving past abortion clinics
When abortion issues become hot topics in the media
Discovering that a friend is pregnant
Seeing another mother neglect her child
Having to purchase baby clothes for a friend or relative as a gift
Seeing new mothers interact with their newborns
Hearing traditional baby music or songs
Seeing an ultrasound image of someone’s baby
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Discovering one is pregnant
Wanting to start a family
Not wanting a friend who is considering abortion to go through it alone
Trying to get pregnant but being unable to do so
The desire to adopt and give another child a home
Being advised by a doctor to terminate a new pregnancy due to health problems
One’s daughter getting pregnant as a teen and needing advice about what to do
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
HAVING TO KILL TO SURVIVE
EXAMPLES
A forced initiation into a gang
Killing to escape confinement or torture
A parent protecting a child or himself from a stranger
A parent protecting a child or herself from a violent spouse
A child protecting a loved one
Having to kill in battle (as a soldier) or as part of one’s job (a bank guard, police officer, etc.)
Being forced to kill someone as part of a sadistic game or situation
Killing to protect one’s vital resources in dire circumstances
Killing to obtain vital resources (food, water, weapons) for one’s family
A child being forced to become a soldier
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I am a violent and dangerous person. A monster.
I did the unthinkable and so I am capable of anything.
I will suffer damnation for what I’ve done.
No one will ever trust me again.
People look at me differently now.
People are afraid to be around me because they think I’ll snap and commit violence.
It doesn’t matter what I do, people will only see me as a killer.
If you take a life, you don’t deserve to have one yourself.
The world is an evil place.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
What they are capable of
Passing violent tendencies on to their children
People finding out about what happened
Loved ones leaving if they discover what happened
Retribution or consequences (being arrested, the victim’s loved ones taking vengeance, their children being removed from the home, etc.)
A specific people group or organization associated with the event
Being judged for what they did
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Self-loathing due to guilt or shame
Becoming hardened
Pulling away from loved ones
Struggling with anxiety when people argue or fight
PTSD symptoms (depression, anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares, etc.)
Worrying that one chose the violent option instead of considering others
Having to know where one’s loved ones are at all times (if retribution is a possibility)
Difficulty building trust and friendships
Reluctance to share personal information
Assessing risks before making a decision
Being unable to be spontaneous
Reliving the killing over and over in one’s mind
Self-medicating as a way of dealing with the guilt or shame
Becoming angry
Fearing one’s own anger and what one is capable of
Experiencing broken sleep or insomnia
Assuming the worst; having a pessimistic outlook
A lack of faith in society and the good of people
Difficulty relaxing or enjoying the little things
Constantly noticing dangers and threats
Being deceptive; lying easily to keep one’s actions hidden
Turning to or away from religion
Building an arsenal for self-protection
Increasing the security protocol for one’s home and family
Venturing into new relationships slowly and with caution
Seeking to make amends to balance the scales (even if one’s guilt is unfounded)
Becoming a pacifist; avoiding all conflict and friction
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, appreciative, cautious, courageous, decisive, diplomatic, disciplined, independent, introverted, private, proactive, protective, resourceful, socially aware
Flaws: Addictive, antisocial, controlling, cynical, defensive, impatient, inflexible, irrational, needy, paranoid, pessimistic, prejudiced, suspicious, timid, vindictive
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Movies or TV shows depicting physical violence
Coming upon the same type of object or weapon that one used to kill (knives on display in a store, one’s gun, etc.)
Nightmares where one relives the event
A fistfight breaking out nearby
An argument that escalates into yelling and screaming
Specific sensory details from one’s experience, such as the roughness of a length of wood
One’s children playacting violent situations (e.g., a pretend game of heroes and villains)
Running into the victim’s loved ones
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being faced with a life-or-death situation where the life of another is in one’s hands
Discovering later that one misread the situation and the death wasn’t necessary
Being judged, tried, or maligned for the action, even if it was done in self-defense
Noticing a change in the way one’s child or spouse behaves in one’s presence
Being viewed as an unfit parent and having to do whatever is needed, including attending therapy, to change the court’s mind
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
LOSING A LOVED ONE TO A RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE
EXAMPLES
A sibling being hit by stray bullets in a drive-by shooting or gang war
A spouse being killed in a robbery
Family members dying in a fire
A child or spouse dying in a school sh
ooting
A loved one being jumped by hopped-up addicts
Friends or family being killed in a terrorist attack
A loved one stepping in to break up a fight and being stabbed or shot
One’s partner being fatally wounded after a mugging
A family member being killed due to a case of mistaken identity
One’s child being run over as criminals leave a scene or flee from police
One’s parent (a police officer, swat team or bomb squad member, etc.) dying in the line of duty
A child being grabbed and used as a human shield
Someone being killed as a message to others (in a hostage situation, by terrorists making a political or religious statement, etc.)
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I should have been able to prevent it.
I am a terrible spouse (or parent, person, etc.) for not protecting my loved one.
It’s better to not love anyone than to love and have someone taken from you.
The system is broken. There is no protection or justice for people like us (those sharing the victim’s race, gender, religious affiliation, etc.).
Evil always wins.
It’s only a matter of time before what you love is taken from you.
It’s stupid to plan for the future when bad things will happen no matter what you do.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Being alone
Losing another loved one to violence
Not being in control
Having to raise their children alone (if a spouse was killed)
Specific situations connected with the death (e.g., being afraid to drive if the loved one was carjacked)
People who resemble the killer (those of a certain ethnicity or gender, with facial scars, etc.)
Trusting someone and endangering a loved one as a result
The Emotional Wound Thesaurus Page 42