She persistently refused to let go of me. I persuaded her and after some cajoling, she agreed to go with Shekhar though she didn’t leave my hand.
“Did Sejal witness something? What was she talking about?” Shruti asked me in a whisper on the way towards her bedroom as Diya was asleep in the other room.
“Yeah, Shruti. She did. One of them hurled her on the floor when she woke up. That is why she is so scared.” I released an audible sigh as I lay on the bed next to Sejal.
“Oh! That’s sad to hear. I feel sorry. But I do understand, Maya. Don’t worry. I am happy that you both are safe and am proud of you. You were very brave in there. Not every girl has the same courage as you have. Do you want to eat something?” She said as she applied some ointment on my bruises and handed over the tube to me for Sejal.
“Yes, Shruti. A strong pain killer for me and something for Sejal to eat. She must be hungry by now.”
“Okay, I will be back soon. You get some rest,” she kissed me on my forehead and left. I took the support of the pillow and sat back. I closed my eyes hoping to get some relief but the events of the night before replayed in my mind. My eyes shot opened in horror only to find myself in Shruti’s room. I relaxed and looked at Sejal. She was awake and silently inspecting the surroundings.
It’s over now Maya I reminded myself once again. Then why it is so hard to believe it? I shook my head.
Shruti came back after few minutes with breakfast for me and Sejal on a tray. It was difficult for me to feed Sejal as she was still terrified. She asked me when Rajat would arrive. She refused to sleep without him. I promised her father would be here soon only if she ate and went to sleep. Finally she went off to sleep after eating a modicum of breakfast.
Shruti sat beside me, silently caressing my hands while I ate breakfast. Both of us didn’t utter a word. Silence was the actual medication that I needed after the long hours of shouting and fighting.
Shruti was a very good friend of mine. We had shared endless sessions of chatting and life experiences. She had always been there when I needed her. At this hour, it was soothing to be with someone who cared for me. “I want to have bath, Shruti,” I said. I could still feel the fingers of the men on my body.
“Sure. Let me get you something to wear. Go and take a bath. Till then I will look after Sejal,” she said with tears in her eyes. She was a woman too and she could feel the trauma I had faced. She hugged me tightly and patted my back. She assured me of everything would be fine now
It is over Maya. Get over it, I reminded myself again and then I went to bathe. This was the first time since the incident that I had some time alone for myself. I took off my clothes and hung them on the hooks. Then I turned towards the mirror. Looking at my own body in the mirror made me cry. The bruises reminded me of the violence. It was the first time that I was seeing them. They had turned deep blue. My hands could still feel Jackal’s grip. I rubbed them hard. Every part of my body hurt. Wherever I touched my body, it hurt. I felt filthy. The parts where Lion had caressed me with his fingers were tingling my skin. I hated this. I remembered the scene when I was lying in front of them, half naked and how Lion was ready to rape me. A shiver ran through my body. I kept staring at my own mirror image for a long time and when I couldn’t look at myself, I turned on the shower knob and tried to cry. But there were no tears. I had cried enough; probably more than enough. I closed my eyes. I was silently sobbing under the muffling shower streams. I pitied myself; the helplessness I had felt. I could empathise with all the girls and women who were victims of such brutal crimes. The veins in my head were tautened with tremendous stress. I wanted to shout loudly; I wanted to drain all the memories. What else I could do to let that hateful incident leave my mind? What else I could do to disconnect my body from the touch of the men? I rubbed my body vigorously but I could still feel their lusty touches.
My mind was flooded with thoughts as I bathed. It was as if I was snorkeling in last night’s events, where one part of me was still stuck. It was chained and I was thrashing my legs to unchain them. The more I moved my legs, the deeper the thoughts buried themselves. The more I tried to forget everything, the more I was haunted.
An array of questions was bombarding me. What if they had raped me and left me crippled on the floor? What if they had killed Sejal? What if I hadn’t survived? What would have Rajat done then? There were so many questions. Why had it happened to me? How can men be so inhuman? Why does their pleasure increase manifold with their victims’ crying and begging? Why are they so immune to others’ pain?
After all what had happened, I still found myself lucky to be left unharmed. My dignity was intact. But what happen to those girls and women who fail to fight back and get raped? I had nearly been one of them. One could say I was the victim yet I wasn’t. While it was grim to touch my own body, I wondered how girls and women manage to survive after being raped. The thought made me shudder. They would have to be very brave.
It is a sin to rape a girl or woman. I cursed Lion and Jackal for the umpteenth time. The pain growing inside was engulfing me. I rubbed my body hard again. The bruises would go away but how would I get rid of those maddening memories that were going to live with me forever? What I could do to purify my home? What I could do to make Sejal forget what she had seen? What could I possibly do to erase everything that happened? It wasn’t a slate. It was life and things that happen in life cannot be erased or washed away.
I hoped that Sejal would gradually forget what she had seen and the trauma she had been through. She was too small to remember the incident chronically yet it wouldn’t be easy for her to forget everything either. All I could do was to soothe her and be with her but I couldn’t penetrate into her tiny mind and wash away all the memories just like that. Those memories would probably live with her for a while. I prayed for her and for my family.
There was absolute chaos in my head. I tried to be at peace but it had been snatched from me. Who could say I wasn’t raped? The peace I had in my life was raped and I would not get it back ever. I would have to live this way, perhaps my entire life. I sighed and composed myself before getting dressed. I prayed for my family. Though I felt better after the hot shower yet there was a hateful sensation running through my body.
I looked at Sejal. She was still sleeping. Shruti was sitting beside her. She grimaced seeing me. My face must have revealed that I was upset inside. She stepped forward and hugged me. She said not to worry as everything was fine. But I was waiting for Rajat. Time seemed to hang really heavy. Just then Sejal got up shouting loudly.
“Mamma! Leave my Mamma. Please leave her,” she was screaming at the top of her voice. She was violently hurling her body side to side on the bed.
I and Shruti immediately ran to her. She was having a nightmare. I shook her awake. She opened her eyes and started crying. She was very very scared. Shruti suppressed her tears, said sorry and went outside the room. She couldn’t see Sejal in such traumatic condition. But I was a mother and I would always have to be there. I comforted Sejal and told her that I was fine and no one was going to hurt us. She clutched me tightly.
It was gradually becoming harder for me to be the only one reservoir of strength, sanity and love. I needed to be consoled as well. I wanted to hug Rajat like Sejal was hugging me. I was eagerly waiting for him to come to me.
In the meantime, I helped Sejal freshen up. I applied medicine on her lip cut. When we reached the living hall, everyone smiled at us. As it was Sunday, everyone was at home. Diya was awake by now and ran towards Sejal. She pulled Sejal to her room to show her new doll house. I felt good seeing Sejal getting engaged. We all settled down after breakfast when the watchman of the building rang the bell. He had two books in his hands on which my name was written. My alternative plan had worked but a little too late. I collected my books and made some excuse. After some time when the police arrived, there were whispers in the society. People gathered around Shruti’s house. Uncle and I explained the situation.
&
nbsp; The police had to inspect the crime scene. I left Sejal with the others while Shekhar and Uncle accompanied me to my house..
Then police entered the house. It was strange to find the police in my house for the first time in life. They found Lion and Jackal locked up in the second bedroom. Lion was dead in a pool of his own blood and Jackal was working on the window in order to get out. Seeing the police, Jackal’s face turned white. The defeat on his face was self-deprecatory. The police handcuffed Jackal and called for an ambulance to take away Lion’s body. The police proceeded to collect all the important evidence and asked me some important questions. They sealed the house as it was a crime scene. I had to go to the police station to file FIR about the incident. I left with Uncle for the police station while Shekhar went back to his house to keep the poking neighbours at bay. It was around half past seven in the morning.
In the police station, my case was filed as ‘An attempt to rape’. The Inspector did ask me many questions and I gave him the exact details. I did not mention the HIV trick but told them that the medicines that I had been taking gave me the strength to fight back. A few questions were quite uncomfortable for example, when they asked where the criminals had touched me? What else did they do? How did I get the bruises on my face and many more.
It was seemingly hard for them to believe that I had fought two guys physically stronger than me singlehandedly and that I was left unharmed at the end of it. Nevertheless I answered them despite of the way other policemen were staring at me. I also told them the name of the third person, Beeji, about whom Jackal and Lion had talked about. I didn’t have any idea about him but I suspected he might be involved in the crime as well. I wanted to leave as soon as I could. After completing the formalities, Uncle and I finally went home.
Before leaving, I went to see Jackal. He was behind bars and that gave me an immense sense of satisfaction. I was fuming to get justice. I wanted the toughest punishment for him. The entire inquiry procedure was tiring and I wanted to rest.
But I simply couldn’t.
*************************************
After I got back, every time I tried to close my eyes, the wicked faces of Lion and Jackal would haunt me. I had told Sejal that her father would be with her soon. She calmed down a bit and even played with Diya.
Rajat arrived shortly after we reached home. When I saw him, I found life flowing through my dead veins again. I felt alive. I hugged him tightly. His hair was dishevelled and I could imagine how worried he must have been. His face lit up as he saw us.
Sejal immediately got onto his lap and cried for a long time. It took a while for Rajat to console her. She kept repeating what she had witnessed in her own words. He noticed wounds on her lips and my face and he looked at me questioningly. I nodded and he understood. Her words gave Rajat a fair idea of what I had been through. He had his lips pursed as he was finding it difficult to suppress his tears. We all surrounded him and sat silently until Sejal was done.
After talking with her father for a long time, Sejal seemed better. I relaxed a bit for our family was intact again. When Sejal went to play with Diya, I narrated the story to Rajat, hiding the HIV trick. I told him what happened at the police station as well.
We had to stay at Shruti’s house till we were allowed into our house. Rajat went to the hospital to collect my scheduled health report. It turned out that I had an infection in my lungs and would be alright in a few weeks. I just needed the right medication. It was a relief to all of us.
That night, Rajat and I finally got some time alone after Sejal had her dinner. Her injuries were minor and Rajat applied an ointment after consulting a paediatrician. He had brought a doll set for her. He thought it would be a distraction. But it didn’t make her happy. Instead, she clutched it tightly. She said she would protect her new friend Aara (the doll) from the bad guys and she would never let anyone hurt her.
Rajat’s eyes filled with tears. He couldn’t see his little princess frightened like this. He knew his biggest challenge would be to help his little girl get over the trauma and to return her innocence. He hugged her and assured her that nothing bad would ever happen to all of us including her new friend. He told her a story in which good wins over evil. He comforted her for a long time until she drifted off to sleep. After a long time, she went to sleep without any fuss. It was only then that I could hug him and put my head on his chest. A few tears rolled down my eyes.
“Oh I so missed you, Rajat. I have been handling everything on my own since the morning. I need to be comforted now. You don’t know what I have been through. Comforting Sejal was becoming really difficult. ”
He carefully kissed my face and hugged me tightly as though he would never let me go; exactly like he had when he came to meet me on my birthday in Bangalore before our wedding.
“I know, Maya I know. I have been cursing myself for leaving you both alone. I should have never left. The moment you told me about everything on the phone, I was so worried. I briefed Kavya di even though I didn’t want her to get worried on her wedding day. She felt sorry for everything. Then I left as quickly as I could. During the entire journey, I thought I’d go mad. I couldn’t wait to be with you, Maya. I can’t imagine my life without the two of you. I can’t bear to see Sejal frightened and you hurt like this.”
Rajat had tears in his eyes. His painful words echoed in my ears. It was as though someone had stabbed his heart. He loved his family and was not able to come to terms with what had happened.
“I can’t imagine my life without you and Sejal either, Rajat,” I said as I wiped away his tears. “But I don’t understand why people enjoy harassing others? If they love doing so, why don’t they do the same to their mother, daughter and sisters? After all, the woman they are harassing may also be a mother, daughter or sister to someone else,” I said as I clenched my fists
“I know Maya. I also don’t understand it. I loathe such people. Though I agree that what happened was the worst thing I could ever imagine. I feel so guilty for not being there to help you but I am also very proud of you. You were so brave and you fought back with such strength. It’s indeed incredible to believe that you did it but I am happy, very happy to find you both safe,” Rajat caressed my hair with love.
“I wish everyone was like you, Rajat, full of love, support and dedication.” Then I separated a little. Ever since the incident, I had been dealing with endless questions. He could answer at least one of them.
“I know that you are glad to see us safe. I am happy too. But after what had happened, I am dealing with a lot of questions lately to which I don’t have any answers.” I paused and looked up at him.
“But I think you can answer one of them.” I paused and then asked after mustering some courage.
“Would you have been this happy if I had been…ummm… raped by them? Would you still be holding me like this if…?” I patiently waited for his answer with holding my breath.
My question startled him for a moment. He looked into my eyes and smiled. He held me by my shoulders and said, “Yes Maya. My love would still be the same and I would still be hugging you like this. I don’t just love your body; I have fallen for your soul and soul never gets impure, ever. The body can be destroyed and wrinkled, but the soul can never be harmed and debilitated. No one can ever touch a soul. It’s untouchable. Your soul is the purest of all, Maya. My love will always be intact for you no matter what.”
I closed my eyes as the storm of happiness shook me. His answer had filled me with the serenity that I was searching so desperately for. His words had cleansed my fear. His love was the purest of all. I fell into his arms. What I wanted to hear was already rejuvenating my inner self. There was nothing left to doubt.
“Thank you Rajat. You don’t have any idea how much peace you have given me with your answer. Since this morning I was worried but now I am happy.”
He lovingly patted my back and kissed my hair. Now I was ready to tell him the part that I had kept hidden from him.
“But I need to tell you something Rajat. The story I told you before is incomplete. Everybody believes that I fought with my all strength to save us but I had to use a trick to deceive them.”
He stopped caressing my hair and turned my face towards his.
“Trick? What trick? And why didn’t you tell me before? Tell me exactly what had happened” he asked anxiously. He grew worried again.
“Relax. Everything is fine. I will tell you everything now. Let me explain.”
With a deep breath I started to narrate the story of the unforgettable night.
“I had already told you how those criminals barged into our house. I also told you how they had harassed me. But there is something more in my story that I preferred to hide, not only from you but from everybody else. Now that we are alone, I can tell you exactly what had happened. When they dragged me towards the second bedroom and tortured me, there reached a moment when I was lying on the floor helpless and Lion was ready to rape me. But Sejal started to cry in the other room and then I decided to fight back. It was tough yet I fought with my all strength. This is the story you have heard from me, right?”
He nodded.
“But there is more to it. When they were torturing me in Sejal’s room, there came a point I went out of my senses and imagined myself dead soon. The pain was unbearable and it was shutting down my senses. I had completely given up. Just then I heard Sejal cry. The moment I heard her cry, I knew I had to do something to save Sejal and the only way to save Sejal was to save myself first. I was so scared, Rajat, but I racked my brains to find some means of escape. Then an idea popped into my head. I didn’t know if it would work but I had to give it a shot. I pretended to be…” I stopped short and then continued, “…an HIV positive person. They did not believe me at first but I was so convincing, I managed to sow the seeds of doubt in their minds. I told them what happens if someone gets infected with the HIV virus. I also explained how my symptoms resembled like an HIV patient ‘s and funnily, they even checked them on their mobile. As they didn’t dissect the whole truth, the facts I had laid before them seemed true. My clever explanation of what happens with such patients afterwards caught them off guard and they got really scared. From that point onwards, my story worked out well. I didn’t want to tell you this in front of everyone. I didn’t tell the police too. You know how people perceive AIDS and HIV. They don’t take it well. ”
It’s Never Too Late Page 14