I looked down at my hands, still holding the sword and trembling. I dropped it, suddenly, looking up at Michael with fury.
“Bastard!” I yelled, turning on my heel and feeling an overwhelming urge to flee. I knew I risked failure, or humiliation in the attempt, but I gave my wings a mighty flap to get away and escape. The stress and ache of the flight before was still lingering, but somehow, I had managed it. I had taken off, and I flew in a skittered pattern off the ground as I attempted to straighten out. I felt elation at the sense of flight, mixed with anger and hostility at Michael for subjecting me to the scrutiny of all the other vessels and the archangels. My face burned ferociously with the intensity of my embarrassment, and I felt a tear escape my eye, a strange sensation as the happiness I felt in flight bubbled up to the surface at the same time. I was flying, flapping my wings together and stabilizing myself. I was doing it.
Screw Michael, I thought hotly.
I resisted the urge to turn around, feeling the humiliation burn under my skin again as I rose higher and higher into the sky. I closed my eyes, letting the wind dry my tears as it brushed past me, trying instead to focus on the feeling of joy and freedom I felt in being high above the ground.
A sudden thought occurred to me, and I came up short. I was high above the ground, and I didn’t know where I was.
The realization, the sudden lack of momentum, surprised me in my inexperience. I shrieked and started to fall, closing my eyes and trying to focus again on regaining control before I felt strong arms grasp me on either side. I opened my eyes and saw Tristan on one side and Michael on the other, holding my arms and turning me back towards the Citadel. Raphael had come up behind them, staring at me in concern.
“Let me go!” I cried, angry at the interruption. I had this.
“Let me GO!” I screamed again, yanking my arms and kicking my legs at them. Michael let go, nodding at Tristan who was looking at him for direction. Tristen let go reluctantly, and I started to fall again. I closed my eyes and focussed, reminding myself again of how my wings were sails in the wind, directing my course. I suddenly straightened out, looking back up at the three above me in triumph and satisfaction. I almost wanted to shout, “I told you so,” but refrained and angled my body back towards the way we came, gliding easily.
Raphael and Michael met me on either side, and I smiled at Raphael, his good humor contagious as he grinned, while I completely ignored Michael on the other side. I was so angry at him I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him.
I saw the training grounds below but bypassed them. I flew further down the mountain to where I knew the dormitories were and came to rest roughly on the ground near the entrance, losing my footing and falling backwards. I let myself lay where I fell, giving up the last shred of my dignity, if ever I had any, to begin with. I stared upwards at the sky, sighing loudly as the others came to rest beside me.
A red head came into my vision above.
“Hey!” I heard Chase shout, happily. “What’s up?”
I merely shook my head, laying limply in what I now knew to be a pile of mud.
“The sky,” I replied lamely. I frowned at myself and closed my eyes. Chase grabbed my arms and lifted me up, laughing. I opened my eyes sullenly, realizing I was covered in mud and dirt from the place where I had fallen. Raphael was being appropriately diplomatic, not meeting my eyes when I turned to look at him, but I could feel his mirth below the surface. I pointedly ignored Michael and nodded at Tristan as though nothing were out of the ordinary. I shucked the mud off my hands and smiled back at Chase.
“Where do I wash up?” I asked, and we started down the path.
“Chase, Larin, stop,” Michael said, a command. We both turned, and I looked at him in anger. “Larin, you have not yet finished training for the day,” Michael eyed the two of us, searching for a reason to prevent me from going off with Chase. I knew immediately his true intentions and I had no patience for it.
“Michael,” I snapped, about to yell. There were others about, and I deflated somewhat, knowing it was not my place to chastise our leader publicly. The nature of our relationship was too familiar, and I started to understand the distance he was trying to place between us. While it still hurt, I got it now. I was very angry, but I knew somehow that Michael had my best intentions at heart, despite the strange way he showed it.
I saw Michael watching me as I came to multiple conclusions in my mind, and I finally looked at him firmly. He knew what I had felt, and I sensed his displeasure. He straightened himself out, becoming the leader again. “Larin,” he said, “it is imperative you commence training immediately,” he said.
“I need to wash up, if I may. . .sir,” I said formally. He flinched only slightly. I saw Raphael look at him sharply, then back to me. Michael regarded me for a moment, then scowled and leapt off. Part of me wanted to stop him, but I let him go, turning again to Chase.
“Shall we?” I said. Chase turned reluctantly, his head tilted upwards as he watched Michael’s ascent.
“Uh. . .sure,” he said, waiting to ensure he received no further instruction from the others. Tristan and Raphael merely looked at us, turning themselves and leaping off the ground. I
chose not to look at either of them, as we turned and made our way down the mountain.
After a long walk of Chase chattering away about this and that, and me nodding distractedly, we arrived close to the base of the mountain. My breath stilled as I took in the greenery of the meadow nearby, and I watched the long grass sway gently in the soft breeze that touched us here. The smell of rosemary reached my nose, and I was surprised to recognize the scent. I also caught the smell of lilacs in the bushes beyond and found I could see their violet blossoms from farther away than I could have as a human, my senses sharper than ever before. I heard the gentle thrum of a bumblebee as it sought the nectar of a flower I didn’t recognize, and I stood quietly, taking in the sounds of nature around us. The sounds of the Earth. I thought briefly of Eden, of what it must have been like – if it was anything at all like the meadow that surrounded us.
We were at a pool at the base of a small waterfall, and I noticed a dozen vessels playing in the water happily, splashing each other with their wings. I smiled at the sight, and Chase led me down to the banks. I realized suddenly several were naked, oblivious to any potential inhibition. I blushed furiously, feeling embarrassed in my sudden prudishness. Here, there were vessels engaging in great enjoyment, celebrating the wonder of the natural world around them, bathing without a care or a thought to any potential imperfections of their bodies. I felt shame, suddenly, at the thought that there was anything improper in what they were doing. It was pure, innocent, and I looked upon them with new eyes. There was nothing to be ashamed of, here. But I walked forward into the waters with my robes on, feeling the water soaking upwards into my clothes. I wanted to shed them but remembered myself and the presence of Chase. He’d been watching me curiously, then met my eyes and smiled joyously as he discarded his clothing easily. I couldn’t help but remark on the near perfection of his body, as natural a thing to see as looking upwards towards the sky on a sunny day. He rushed in, grinning and beckoning me forward to join him. I walked further into the water, finding myself taking his hand, and letting the stream lap gently against my thighs as I strode deeper. The water was surprisingly warm and refreshing, and I walked as close as I dared to the base of the falls, the mist and streams hitting me suddenly. I closed my eyes and turned my back to it, opening my wings and feeling the water run over them, cleansing me. It was a marvellous feeling, and I felt completely carefree for the first time in a long time. I scrubbed my face, splashing the water against me.
I opened my eyes and saw Chase smiling at me again, but regarding me with something deeper. He approached me, and I became aware again of the fact that he was not currently attired. It didn’t bother me or affect me, strangely, and again I felt the naturalness of the situation as though I was the one out of place in my clothing. He came cl
oser, and I averted my eyes from his body, looking into his face. He was child-like in his propensity for cheer, for optimism, and I smiled as I sensed his inner joy. Despite his youthful persona, I knew there was a man within. I looked into his eyes, suddenly realizing I felt strange under his gaze. I wondered momentarily myself whether I should give over to what I knew he wanted. I didn’t see why I shouldn’t – we were both here, now, and alone. . .together. I needed a friend. Someone. I met his eyes again, briefly, and saw hope flash in them. I turned away suddenly, feeling I couldn’t bear the weight of whatever he held inside his eyes. I knew again I couldn’t return his feelings, at least not now, though I wanted to, if only to feel some security and companionship for a time. But I knew the moment I let down my resistance, the moment I gave him hope, he would be lost to me. I couldn’t do that to Chase, to his kind and gentle heart. I couldn’t hurt it.
My heart was with another.
I turned away quickly, refusing to look at Chase’s reaction, and walked back towards the banks. The weight of my wet clothing pulled me down as though I contravened some natural rule of the place. Tangible evidence of my difference, I felt self-conscious in my sense of propriety. I shucked the thought, choosing instead to enjoy the beauty around me, the warmth of the breeze as it caressed my face and warmed me thoroughly. The scents of nature, calming, spoke to my soul. There was a bush of flowers I’d never seen before, and I walked over to it, reaching down to gently stroke the beautiful petals, shocked momentarily at the velvety texture. I closed my eyes and took a cleansing breath, feeling peaceful. I opened them and looked again out towards the meadow, enjoying the gentle warmth that had saturated me entirely, lulling me into a comfortable state of relaxation. I felt a strange sense of power in this place, and something further beyond. I stopped and stared, ignoring Chase for the moment, taking it all in. It was so peaceful. So perfect and quiet. I felt such a strong desire for peace, to close out all the thoughts of late, all of my recent discoveries in the face of my awakening into the world of angels. It was still not familiar, though I knew I was adapting.
There was a sudden flash inside my mind, and I froze, forgetting Chase entirely. I saw nature around us, growing wildly, greener, if that was possible. The light grew stronger, an otherworldly glow. Particles of light and matter lifted gently upwards, as though unaffected by gravity. The light sparkled strangely on the bits of green it hit, and a gentle buzzing sound arose around me, orbs of white circling as though fairies of light met me in greeting. My consciousness took on a dream-like quality, and I walked slowly forward, as though my body was still making its way through a pool of warm water. Languidly, I reached a finger out to touch one of the orbs, as though in slow motion. The orbs bounced gently back from my touch, bounding off another one, and then another, and rising upwards. I stared at them in wonder, at the light of the place, at the feeling of peacefulness.
I felt the light surround me, filling me and taking me over. I closed my eyes and spoke.
“Mal’akh,” I whispered, the word being spoken through my lips, but not of my own conscious thought. Something inside me opened, and my eyes watched the light envelop me like a blanket, as though in greeting. As though welcoming me home.
* * * * *
“Larin!” I heard Chase call as though from a great distance, “Larin!”
“Larin,” I heard another voice say, and became aware of a gentle but urgent shaking sensation. I blinked, rapidly. I looked into Michael’s face, confused.
“What?” I asked quietly, slowly coming back to reality.
“Can you fly? Or shall we carry you?” he asked, and I stared at him, not understanding. I was standing, but I was not where I last remembered myself to be. I was in the middle of a vast meadow, not recognizing anything I looked at, no familiar landmarks nearby. I realized I must have blacked out, and I felt panic rising suddenly inside me. I looked at Michael with my eyes wide, reaching out for him. He grasped my arms, searching my eyes.
“Can you fly?” he asked me again, in low tones.
I shook my head. I couldn’t move.
I was swept up into his arms before I could blink and buried my face in his chest as we ascended towards the peak of the Citadel and the Great Hall. He gripped me tightly, and I grasped him in fear. I had no idea what was happening to me, and my mind refused to process anything other than the immediate sensation of the wind passing by us as we travelled upwards. I became aware of the sound of a door opening and urgent voices all around me, and realized I was back in my chambers. Michael laid me gently down on the bed, but I made to sit up, despite several arms gently forcing me down.
“Let me sit,” I insisted, and they relented. “What’s happening?” Tristan was frowning at me while Michael knelt before me, Uriel and Raphael standing close behind him. Gabriel was speaking orders from behind us, and I looked over my shoulder irritably. Chase was bopping up and down in the back, his red head apparent as he tried to make his way forward towards me.
There was too much activity, I was too overwhelmed. I buried my face in my hands, shaking my head. A female voice shushed me gently, and I felt a cold cloth put on my forehead. I waved them all away.
“Give her some space!” snapped Michael, though he didn’t move. The others backed off. “Larin,” he whispered, and I looked at him, meeting his eyes. I saw concern there, but something else. A fervent, and desperate hope. “What is your message?” he asked urgently.
“My. . .my what?” I asked, frowning at him. I wanted him to hold me, to take me in his arms and comfort me. I didn’t understand what he was asking.
“Your message,” he repeated, looking at me carefully. “Larin, do you not remember what you spoke?”
I shook my head, frowning again.
“I have no idea what’s going on,” I cried, tears running down my face. Michael bit his lip, looking away towards his brothers. It was such an unexpected action, and I felt completely awash in confusion. I did not understand what he expected of me.
“You spoke in an ancient language,” he said. “Do you not remember?”
“No, I don’t remember anything. I was in the pool with Chase,” I cried, tears running down my face as I looked at Michael. I wanted him to comfort me but found him staring at me with a businesslike expression. He was Michael, the archangel, at this moment. Leader, not friend. Not confidante.
I stared at him, shaking my head slowly.
“You called yourself the Messenger,” he said, his eyes softening at my apparent distress.
“You have essentially confirmed the truth of what we all suspected. That you are the Herald.” I blinked. “I. . . I don’t remember. . .” I whispered.
“Did you receive a message, Larin?” Gabriel asked from behind me, urgently. I looked hastily over my shoulder before shaking my head again. I was trembling from head to toe, feeling cold despite the warmth of the place, the heat of all the bodies in the small space.
“I don’t know anything. I don’t remember anything other than being in the pool,” I said again, tearfully. “I’m sorry!” I cried, burying my hands again in my face.
“Leave her alone!” I heard Chase cry, and there was sudden silence in the room.
“Chase,” Tristan said, “return to your dormitory.”
“No, I won’t. She isn’t a piece of meat. Leave her alone, for god’s sake!” he said, and the silence remained. Michael stood up, a storm in his eyes.
“Michael,” Raphael said in warning.
“Do you think. . . I would dare to do anything. . .” he whispered in Chase’s direction, menacingly.
Uriel intervened, barking orders at Tristan to have Chase removed from the room. I could hear the struggle as he resisted, and I felt even worse. I didn’t want Chase to come to any harm or trouble because of me. Everything that was happening was making me feel worse and worse. I cried out, putting my face again in my hands. I wanted everyone to go away, to be alone.
There was silence for a moment as I wept.
I fe
lt gentle hands upon me, and looked up, gasping for breath as I looked into Michael’s face. He was frowning at me and turned his head to the others.
“Leave us,” he said quietly.
“Brother!” said Uriel, urgently, but Gabriel and Raphael both shook their heads and Uriel looked at me, frowning. There was nothing of the usual disdain in his expression. It was the first time I’d ever seen him look vulnerable. Gabriel took him by the arm, and he turned. Everyone but Michael left the room.
I felt immediate relief but continued to cry. I felt I was swept up into something too intense to process, to understand. Michael continued to stare into my face, trying to find words. I saw his struggle as I continued to sob and attempt to regain control. Suddenly and unexpectedly, he grabbed me and held me to him, rubbing my back and whispering sounds of comfort. It made me sob harder, though his embrace was the only thing I wanted.
“Larin,” he whispered, repeatedly. “Larin, I am. . .so sorry.” I pulled back, looking into his face.
“Get me out of here,” I whispered, wishing to be outside. He stood up immediately and without question, pulling me against him, and led me to the window. He pushed it opened, and suddenly we were outside, flying into the darkness that had fallen during the confusion. We touched down sometime later, in a small glade with wildflowers drifting gently to and fro in the breeze. I heard again the sound of water and looked up to ancient willows that sheltered the spot where we stood. Moonlight lit the area, creating an ethereal glow.
Michael was standing still, regarding me. I had stopped crying and felt complete comfort in the knowledge we were alone from prying eyes. I sighed in relief, sinking down to my knees.
“I don’t remember anything,” I whispered, knowing what it was that Michael wanted. Then suddenly I looked up at him, recalling something.
“No, wait. I. . . I remember. . . being in a field,” I said suddenly, thinking back to the images I thought had been a dream. The way the ground seemed to disappear from underneath me, the way I felt as though I was floating gently as a petal caught drifting on a warm breeze. The profound sense of freedom and comfort. “There was such a softness. . .” I tried to explain what I saw, the perfection, peace, and comfort, but I didn’t have the words to describe it. I tried my best, giving up eventually and sighing. “I don’t remember speaking in the vision, nor whether anyone had made any attempts to communicate with me. The only prevailing sense I had was that of completeness. If I had been given an option to dwell in those fields forever, I feel I would have.” Michael listened quietly, nodding his head after a time and coming to sit down beside me.
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