by Becca Steele
We’d been playing for about fifteen, twenty minutes when my gaze was drawn towards the doors. I stopped and stared as Payne sauntered in and sat down on one of the benches at the side of the room, crossing her long legs. She gave me a small wave, and I waved back. From a distance, if I didn’t know it was her, I’d be really fucking tempted to give her my number. But this was Payne. I shook my head and focused on the game.
12
Olivia
A mixture of anxiety and excitement churned through me as I studied my reflection in the harsh mirror lighting in the work toilets. I smoothed down my white silk shirt, tucking it into my smart black trousers. My hair was down and straightened, my makeup expertly applied. I looked ready for business, even if I didn’t quite feel like it. Luke and I were meeting Henry James, CEO of Delny Drinks, to go through the work we’d done on their rebranding. Mr. James had a formidable reputation, so I was nervous about meeting him and hoping he would be happy with our changes.
“Olivia?” I looked up from my screen at the sound of Ethan’s voice. “Luke won’t be in today, so I’m going to need you to do this morning’s Delny meeting without him. Eddie can assist you with anything you need, and if you want me to sit in on the meeting, I can.”
“What do you mean, he won’t be in? Is this a joke? He knows how important this is.” I winced at the shrill note in my voice.
“Liv,” he said gently, “Martha passed away yesterday. It’s hit Luke pretty hard.”
My whole body stilled, and pain filled my chest. “Oh no, I’m so sorry, Ethan. I know she meant a lot to him, didn’t she?”
Ethan nodded, sadness in his eyes. “Yeah. She was the closest thing he had to a relative. A relative that cared about him, anyway.”
A bit of the ice surrounding my heart melted. “Does he have anyone there with him?”
“I don’t think so, no.”
“You mean he’s all alone?” My tone was horrified.
“He didn’t want me there, or Alex for that matter. He knows where we are when he’s ready.”
“But. He’s all alone.” I struggled to get my emotions in check. “Ethan, you’re a man, so I’ll excuse your cluelessness. But everybody needs someone to lean on when they’re in pain. Someone to support them and hold them up when they don’t feel strong enough.”
Ethan gaped at my impassioned rant, then studied me so intently I shifted, uncomfortable with his intense scrutiny.
“Okay. I’ll text you his address. You can finish at 4:00 p.m. today and make up for it by staying late tomorrow.”
“Sorry, what? You’re saying I should go over there?” I shook my head in disbelief.
“Yes. You said it, I’m a clueless man.” He shrugged. “Go, but I want you to promise me one thing.”
I gulped as his eyes narrowed.
“Do not upset him. If you’re right, and he does want or need company, then you give that to him. But you are not, under any circumstances, allowed to bicker, argue, or upset him in any way. Do I make myself clear?”
“Ethan, I’m not stupid. Fine, I’ll go there. And I would never intentionally upset anyone who’s hurting, and frankly I’m insulted that you would think me capable of that.”
Ethan sighed. “Sorry, Liv. I know you wouldn’t. Just…be gentle with him, okay? I know it doesn’t always seem like it, but he does have a heart.”
Concentrating on breathing in and out, I willed myself to calm down. When I was capable of speech again, I said, “I promise I’ll be gentle. Anyway, all this worry may be for nothing. He probably won’t even open the door to me.”
Ethan gave me an inscrutable look.
“Oh, I think he will.”
Luke’s flat was in a stunning red-brick converted warehouse in the Shoreditch district. I double-checked his flat number and pressed the buzzer, my heart racing. There was no answer, so I waited for a full minute, then pressed again, holding the buzzer down longer this time. Still no answer. I pondered on what to do next, awkwardly fiddling with my phone while I stood on the doorstep of the block of flats. The door suddenly swung inward, making me jump, and two women stepped through.
I grabbed my chance. “Excuse me,” I muttered and slipped through the door before it closed behind them. The women didn’t even notice me, too wrapped up in their conversation to be aware of their surroundings.
Taking a moment to get my bearings, I looked around the entrance hall and saw a staircase to the left. There didn’t appear to be a lift, and Luke’s flat number was 24a, which meant I had a long walk to the top.
By the time I reached Luke’s door, my thighs were burning and I was breathless. I guess I should start doing cardio one of these days. Composing myself, I took a deep breath and knocked, the sound echoing down the corridor. The door abruptly opened and, unprepared, I almost fell into the apartment. I managed to steady myself on the door frame and raised my eyes to meet Luke’s. The raw, unguarded pain in them took my breath away.
Before he could react to my presence, I barrelled into him, wrapping my arms around his muscular body. He stiffened and his hands came up to push me away.
“Payne? What the actual—”
“Shush.” My voice came out muffled where my face was pressed into his chest. “Just let me do this.”
He sighed and dropped his arms to his sides but made no move to hug me back. That was okay; I could work with it.
I kicked a foot behind me, aiming for the still-open door. I completely missed.
“Payne.” His voice was hoarse, cracked. “What are you doing?”
“Trying to shut the door.”
“Well, you missed it,” he informed me.
“I gathered that.”
I drew back from him and stared into his eyes. His walls had come up, his expression shuttered. I couldn’t forget the haunted look in his eyes when he’d opened the door, though.
I allowed my gaze to roam over his face. His eyes, normally so bright and vibrant, were a dull, muted green, and the dark circles under them were so pronounced I sucked in a shocked breath.
Right. He needed a friend, and for lack of other choice, it was going to be me.
“Sit,” I told him commandingly, giving him a little push towards the large grey sofa behind him. Looking a little dazed, he complied, dropping down and placing his head in his hands.
I closed the door and kicked my shoes off, not wanting to dent his wooden floors with my spiked heels. Crossing the room, I sank onto the sofa next to him and gently placed my hand on his back. He stiffened again but didn’t move. I rubbed circles on his back, stroking the soft material of his worn navy blue T-shirt and feeling his tense muscles bunch under my hand. This was uncharted waters for me, for both of us, so I went on instinct, knowing that he needed comfort and the knowledge that someone was there for him.
I leaned against his shoulder, my arm sliding around him in a tentative, slightly awkward hug.
“Luke.” I spoke softly. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No,” came the croaked reply from behind his hands. That one word conveyed so much sadness, I couldn’t bear it. I slid off the sofa and knelt at his feet, covering his hands with my own. I gently pried them away from his face, and he let me, his whole body sagging. He raised his head, and his hopeless gaze collided with mine. His lower lip trembled, and I could see he was seconds away from losing it. He squeezed his eyes shut, but not before I saw the tears fill them.
“Luke.” I scrambled upwards, hardly aware of what I was doing but needing to be close to him. I flung myself into his lap, squeezing my arms around him as tightly as I could. His whole body shuddered. His arms came around me, and he buried his face in my neck.
I rubbed up and down his back and let my hand slide up his neck and into his soft hair. I stroked through the thick strands, massaging his scalp, my only focus on providing whatever comfort I could. He didn’t let go of me, not even for a second.
We stayed that way for a long, long time.
The sky gradually da
rkened outside, and the gloom penetrated the flat. I raised my head and looked around, finally becoming aware of my surroundings and realising that I was in Luke’s lap, clinging to him like a spider monkey.
I scrambled off him, awkwardness filling me.
“Uh, I—”
“Don’t go.” He grabbed my hand, pulling me back. “Stay. Please. I don’t want to be alone.”
His hoarse admission sent waves of emotion through me all over again.
“Okay,” I whispered. “Do I—should I—” I took a deep breath to get my racing thoughts under control. “Let me start that again. Do you want a drink, or some food, or something?”
Luke shrugged, dropping my hand. I eyed him in concern. “Luke, when was the last time you ate?” I asked gently. He shrugged again, leaning back against the back of the sofa and closing his eyes in exhaustion.
I crossed the apartment and snagged my phone from my bag, then scrolled to my favourite takeaway app. Not knowing Luke’s preference and unwilling to disturb him, I chose three large pizzas—meat, vegetarian, and a Margherita pizza to cover all bases. That done, I made my way to the kitchen area and opened random cupboards until I located glasses. I filled two with tap water and placed them on the low table next to the sofa. The apartment was darkening, and Luke still hadn’t opened his eyes, so I flicked on a lamp that stood in the corner of the room. It cast a dim, warm glow around, highlighting the exposed red-brick walls, and I sighed appreciatively, momentarily distracted by my surroundings.
My phone buzzed in my hand, and I unlocked the screen to see a message from Avery.
Avery: Did you see Luke? Ethan said you were going to.
Me: Yes. I’m with him now.
Avery: OMG. How is he?
Me: Not good TBH. I’m going to stay a while longer.
Avery: Glad he has someone with him. Hope you’re being nice.
Me: Always. Better go, speak tomorrow x
Avery: Take care x
A loud buzzing noise sounded and I jumped in fright. Luke’s eyes flew open.
“Door,” he croaked.
“I’ve got it.” It was the pizza delivery man, so I buzzed him up and waited by the door until he staggered into view, out of breath from the four-floor climb.
“Cheers.” I took the pizzas from him, and he gave me a breathless thumbs-up and headed back down. I re-entered the flat and set the pizzas on the coffee table.
“Um, I ordered pizza. I hope that’s okay?” I bit my lip hesitantly, glancing at Luke.
The ghost of a smile touched the corners of his mouth, and butterflies took flight inside me.
“Bit late if it wasn’t okay,” he said in a scratchy voice.
I stuck my tongue out at him, and he smirked at me.
That smirk.
Lowering my gaze, I looked away. I busied myself with the pizza boxes to give myself something to do while I regained my composure. I handed him a slice of pepperoni-laden pizza and grabbed a veggie piece for myself.
“Thanks.” His voice was soft. “Wanna watch TV while we eat?”
“Sure.”
And that was how I came to be sitting on Luke’s sofa an hour later, pizza demolished and my belly groaning in protest.
“I’m stuffed,” I announced. “What time is it, anyway? I should get going.”
“Stay a bit longer.”
I turned to look at Luke. His imploring expression twisted my insides. Need, longing, sadness—it was all there. I nodded and sat back. “Alright. I’ll stay for a bit.”
Relief flickered across his face, and I internally smacked myself in the head. He didn’t want to be alone. He needed someone to be there for him. Hadn’t I been telling Ethan this exact thing earlier?
“I’m just going to clear up these pizza boxes.” I jumped up. He stayed where he was, his hooded gaze tracking my movements. I put the remaining few slices of pizza in the fridge and disposed of the boxes.
When I returned to the sofa, Luke grabbed my hand and tugged me down next to him, sliding his arm around me. I hugged his warm body, hearing his steady heartbeat under my ear and feeling the rise and fall of his chest. Somehow, it felt natural—he needed comfort, and I was more than happy to provide it. The TV droned softly in the background, and my eyelids grew heavy. The last thing I remembered before I slipped into sleep was a soft kiss on my forehead and a voice whispering, “Thank you.”
13
Luke
I woke with a crick in my neck and a dry mouth. As my mind regained consciousness, I became aware of a warm body tangled with mine. Payne. She’d stayed. We were lying on the sofa, our legs tangled together and my arms around her. Tilting my head down, I watched her sleeping, her eyelashes fanned across her cheeks. I brushed a strand of silky caramel hair away from her face, and her blue eyes flew open, widening in horror as she realised where she was.
She scrambled away as if she were on fire.
“Shitshitshit,” she said under her breath, panic written all over her face, and I couldn’t help smiling.
“I’d better go,” she squeaked out, avoiding my gaze. “Argh!”
I watched in amusement as she flew across my flat, almost skidding into the door in her haste to leave. She pulled on her shoes and shot out of the door, throwing a breathless “bye” over her shoulder.
Lying back on the sofa with a groan, I glanced at my watch. 6:10 a.m. Too early to get up. I closed my eyes.
A ringing woke me.
I swiped my phone to answer the call, grabbing my glass of water and taking a large gulp to lubricate my throat. “Hello?”
“Hey, mate, how are things?” Ethan asked carefully.
“Could be better, to be honest,” I sighed. Although I’d been bracing myself for the news of Martha’s passing for a while, it had been a shock when the news had come. How can you ever prepare for the death of a loved one? How do you come to terms with the fact that you’ll never hear their voice again? Never pick up the phone to call them, or drop in for a visit just to see their face? I felt as if a piece of me had been ripped away, leaving me raw and bleeding.
“Listen, take today off work as well. Take some time to clear your head. We’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Wait, what about all my outstanding work? And—oh, shit, it was the Delny meeting yesterday.” I groaned, rubbing my forehead.
“Don’t worry about that, mate. Olivia took care of it. She smashed it, in fact.” His voice warmed. “I’m proud of what you guys have achieved in such a short time.” He continued speaking. “I’ve planned a meeting with Olivia to go through the changes I think you should make, and I’ll email you the minutes and my notes later so you can keep up to date.”
Gratitude filled me. “Thanks, mate. I appreciate it.”
“Anytime,” he said gruffly. “See you tomorrow.”
As I ended the call, I saw I had messages from Alex and Avery, offering their condolences. I sent them both a quick thanks, then scrolled to Payne’s name. She was saved in my contacts as “Pain.” I felt a sudden stab of guilt. She’d been amazing yesterday. I’d been lost in sorrow, and she’d turned up and offered herself as my lifeline. She’d seen me at my lowest point and hadn’t flinched; instead she’d provided me with comfort, despite the awful way I’d treated her in the past. She hadn’t offered me empty platitudes. She’d been exactly what I needed.
I edited her name, changing it to “Payne,” then sent a message.
Me: Thanks for yesterday. It meant a lot to me.
She replied about ten minutes later, no doubt having just got to work.
Payne: Any time. I mean it. Sorry I rushed out, felt a bit awkward TBH. One minute we’re enemies, the next we’re sleeping together.
I laughed to myself.
Me: Sleeping together? ;)
Payne: Ha ha. You know what I meant!!!
Me: I’m messing with you. Look, I don’t see you as an enemy. Far from it. Friends?
Payne: I’d like that.
Me: Good. Glad we’ve cleared
that up.
Payne: Better go, got a meeting with Ethan in 5 mins. Message me any time tho.
Me: Thanks Payne. Appreciate it.
I plugged my phone in to charge and had a shower, feeling a little more human than before. I made the call to Martha’s son, Graham, that I’d been putting off. He was living in Dubai but had arranged a flight back to the UK as soon as he’d received the news of her passing. I offered my condolences, and he said he’d contact me as soon as funeral arrangements had been made with the nursing home. I’d met him once or twice in the past, but he’d already moved to Dubai when I first got to know Martha.
Sadness overwhelmed me again. Martha had been ninety-two when she passed, only a month away from her ninety-third birthday. She’d had a long life, a good life from everything I knew about her, but it didn’t mean I wouldn’t miss her badly. She was the closest thing to a real family I’d known.
After wandering around my flat aimlessly, I went for a long run to try to clear my head, my feet pounding the paths near my house as dance music blared through my headphones. Memories of Martha played through my mind on a never-ending loop.
The most important person in my life—gone. The only person I’d ever felt I could confide in fully, the one person I trusted would accept me without judgement.
I’d never felt so alone. Later that evening, sitting on the sofa in my empty flat, I had an overwhelming need for human contact, to connect with someone. Anyone. My fingers scrolled through my contact list, and before I was aware of what I was doing, I’d pressed the call button and the phone was ringing.