by Dena Blake
After having a long, leisurely breakfast with Jackson and Whitney, Chloe had gone to the gallery and done everything and anything she could to avoid going home. After several missed calls from Shay, she called her back and apologized for being out of touch. They discussed dinner plans and decided Chloe would pick up tacos and enchiladas from a nearby restaurant on her way home.
During dinner she told Shay the good news about Jackson and Whitney’s baby. Shay had known their struggles and was excited they had finally succeeded. She also posed the question of whether Chloe would be content to only be the cool aunt rather than a mom herself. She’d reassured her that she would be happy to be the best cool aunt ever. Shay’s upbringing had instilled many doubts about raising children in her mind, and Chloe was unsure about her own parenting skills as well.
Once they’d finished dinner, Chloe had gone into her studio to paint, stayed there well into the night, and gone to bed late to avoid sex as usual. She’d woken up with Shay tangled in her arms again this morning, Shay’s head on her chest and their legs intertwined. How or when it had happened, she didn’t know. They’d had a huge gap between them when she’d finally drifted off to sleep. Holding and being held by Shay was the safest place she’d ever been, then and now.
So many thoughts were running through her mind. The gallery event the other night had been a huge pile of awkward that almost erupted into an explosion of Shay’s memories that wouldn’t have been easy to explain. The moment Erica had strolled into the gallery with Barb on her arm, Chloe knew she would never go back to that kind of relationship. When she’d gotten involved with Erica, she’d known that she dated more than just one woman at a time and had chosen to ignore the subtle looks and interest she gave other women in her presence. But Erica had never actually brought another woman around before and flaunted her in her face as she had the other night. Erica might have thought that would push Chloe into a decision, and it had. Only it wasn’t the decision Erica was expecting.
After receiving Jackson and Whitney’s news about the baby yesterday, she’d decided that from today on, she wanted to recapture the happiness she had with Shay. She planned to commit to making her marriage work. The whole thing might end up in disaster, but it would be her number-one priority no matter what the little voice in her head told her.
She untangled herself from Shay and slipped out of bed. Stopping in the doorway, she checked to make sure Shay was still asleep and then pulled the door almost completely shut, leaving it only a small crack open. She stopped in the guest room and picked up one of Shay’s journals that she’d hidden before she went into the living room and sat in the club chair by the window. It was a dreary day at the beach, forecast to rain all day. Coffee would have to wait because that would wake Shay immediately. She wanted to get some reading done before that happened. She opened the journal and read the first line.
We moved to the new gallery today!
The weather was beautiful this morning when we started moving Chloe’s art from the old gallery to the new, but mid-morning the clouds became thick and dark. We both knew the sky was going to open up any minute and soak us with rain. We had to move fast to get the paintings from the Tahoe into the gallery. We ran back and forth so quickly, I was surprised I hadn’t fallen on my face. Chloe held the huge golf umbrella as I carried the art. By the time we were done I was soaking wet. The umbrella had done me no good at all, but the paintings were safe. We did it without damaging a single one, and Chloe was happy. The best reward of all was after we were inside, Chloe closed the umbrella, dropped it to the ground, and threw her arms around me. I felt like her hero again.
She was my hero. Chloe remembered it well. She was excited and nervous all at once. Shay had done so much to help make her successful—the beach house and the new gallery—but it had made life more stressful for them both. Yes, her paintings were selling, but the pressure to sell more to pay the bills was ridiculous. Her creativity had been horribly hampered. The only time she’d been able to envision anything was as she was drifting off to sleep, and then her vision had disappeared when she’d woken up in the morning. In their quest for Chloe to become more successful, her creative process had been somehow broken. She’d been broken. It had been the beginning of the end for them.
At that moment, she wanted to run into the bedroom and tell Shay everything about their life together—the good, the bad, and the ugly. She wanted to share all the things that had changed in recent months, and why. But she couldn’t crush her reality so easily, so thoughtlessly. Shay needed to find her own way back to her memories. If she forced the process, Shay might resent her and possibly not even believe her. Her own new reality, the one she was actually beginning to enjoy, would be decimated. Maybe she was being selfish, but she didn’t want to give up her own choices for the future.
Chloe heard the floor creak as Shay padded down the hallway. The house was exceptionally quiet this morning, except for the soft patter of rain on the roof. She quickly hid the journal under the cushion of the chair and waited for her to emerge into the living room. When Shay came up behind her, she attempted to get up from the chair, but Shay fell to her knees next to the chair, wrapped her arm around her neck, and pressed her face into her shoulder.
“I feel so alone right now. Please tell me you love me and still want me.”
She felt the warmth of a tear hit her shoulder, and her heart ached. “I’ll always love you, Shay,” she said as she moved Shay around to her lap, gathered her in her arms, tucked her in under her neck, and held her. They both cried together until she drifted off to sleep again. It seemed like an eternity but was probably only minutes. She breathed in the scent of Shay’s hair, felt the softness of her face against her shoulder. Her body reacted. She did still love her, and she wanted her so much more than she cared to admit.
Chapter Twenty-Two
When Shay had woken up on Chloe’s lap in the chair, she’d been reminded why she’d fallen in love with her. Chloe had always been so selfless, taking care to make sure Shay was happy, especially after she’d told Chloe about her childhood and her strained relationship with her mother. Even though she hoped they could rekindle their romantic connection, even if she and Chloe could never be intimate again, she was still going to become Chloe’s best friend and never let go of that part of their relationship. Trying to make her fall in love with her all over was a risky plan that might very well blow up in her face, but she had to do something. To live with her and know what she’d done, how much she’d hurt Chloe, devastated her. She had to make it up to her, to make it right.
After Chloe had gone into her gallery to paint, Shay had called Rachel and set up an appointment to see her at the hospital rather than have her come to the beach. She’d told Chloe she had a doctor’s appointment, and since she would be at the hospital, she’d scheduled her regular therapy session with Rachel there as well. The apartment was on her way, so she’d stopped by to pick up a couple more of her journals. She needed to talk to someone about them, and Rachel had become her only confidante.
She followed Rachel into her office and flopped down in the chair across from the desk. The therapy session had been longer than usual because Rachel had pushed her on the equipment. It wasn’t nearly as painful as it had been the last time, so that was a plus.
Without asking, Rachel took a bottle of water from the mini-fridge and handed it to her. “You’re doing really well.”
“Thanks.” She wiped her face with a towel. “Trying to make sure I can use this leg well into my nineties. Lofty goal, isn’t it?” She chuckled.
“You tell me, Chief Actuary. You know the statistics.”
“Thirty percent chance of making it that long.”
“That’s a grim forecast.”
“That’s for average people. Fifty percent for me. I’m well above average.” Shay gave her a huge grin.
“Jesus. You’ve developed quite an ego.”
“That’s your fault.” She pointed at Rachel. “You fixed me
and gave me the confidence to succeed.”
“I’ve created a monster.” The grin on Rachel’s face was adorable.
She laughed as she reached into her bag and took out the journals. “Don’t worry. These will take me down a notch.” And they would. Every time she read them, she hated herself more.
Rachel’s smile morphed into a frown. “I thought we talked about this. You’re going to stop punishing yourself for something you don’t remember, right?”
“Right.” She slid the journals across the desk, making sure the one that revealed her biggest regret was on top.
“And you’re going to make Chloe love you again, right?” Rachel asked.
“I’m going to try.” She pushed the journal close to Rachel. “Go ahead. Read it.”
“Good, because if you’re not, I’m going to throw my hat back into the ring. No sense in helping you woo another woman unless you’re all in.” Rachel picked up the journal and held it in the air as she spoke.
Shay raised her eyebrows and grinned. “Did you just say woo?”
“I like romance.” Rachel quirked up an eyebrow. “You have a problem with that?”
Shay bit her lip. “Nope. No problem. Not here.” The fact that Rachel was a hopeless romantic was endearing. If circumstances were different, she would definitely be first on Shay’s playlist.
Rachel thumbed through the pages. Shay had bookmarked the exact spot for her and could see her expression change as she read. Shock, horror, disbelief, disappointment, disgust—there were plenty more reactions where those came from. She saw every one of the emotions on Rachel’s face that she’d felt as she turned the pages.
Rachel’s face was blank when she closed the journal and dropped it to the desk. “You’re gonna have to do some major, industrial-strength wooing to get past this.”
“I know. Now that you see what an absolute asshole I am, will you still help me?”
Rachel nodded. “You have to promise not to read this again.” She tapped the journal with her finger. “You have to focus on the positive.”
“I promise.” She reached for the journal, and Rachel snatched it away.
“I’ll keep it here just to make sure.” Rachel slipped it into her top drawer along with the other one Shay had brought.
They spent the next several hours figuring out ways to make Chloe forget the pain. Shay told Rachel everything about their life together and all of Chloe’s favorite things. She was a little surprised at how the whole process made her feel so much closer to Chloe. If she could make the same feelings happen for Chloe by reminding her of their life before, she might actually have a shot.
When she finally left and headed for home, Shay felt like she might possibly be able to make Chloe fall in love with her again. She could never erase what she’d done or the pain she’d put Chloe through, but hopefully she could make up for it by loving her even more.
* * *
Since Shay had gone to the hospital, Chloe had called Whitney and invited her out to the house for lunch. She’d asked her to pick it up on the way, but Whitney was okay with that. Whitney had brought a couple sandwiches and a salad for them to split from Panera Bread. And it was such a beautiful day they decided to eat outside on the deck.
Whitney unpacked the food and set a turkey-and-avocado sandwich on each of the plates Chloe had brought from the kitchen. She opened the box with the salad and pushed a couple of forkfuls onto each plate as well.
“So, how’s it going with Shay?” Whitney asked as she took a huge bite of her sandwich.
“She asked me if I still love her this morning. She fucking cried in my arms.”
Whitney stopped mid-chew, swallowed, and wiped her mouth. “Oh my God. What did you say?”
“I told her I love her, of course. I just can’t stand to touch her.” The look of shock on Whitney’s face made her rethink her answer. “I’m only kidding.”
“When did you become so passive-aggressive? That’s not going to help her recover any faster,” Whitney said as she forked a pile of salad until she couldn’t get another leaf of lettuce attached.
“I know that, but it helps me keep my distance. I can’t fall back in love with her, Whit. She fucking tore my heart out.” She’d been rethinking her decision to go all in on her marriage and was hoping for reassurance from Whitney.
“No. She didn’t.” Whitney talked through her food. “This Shay still loves you with her whole heart. Can’t you see that?”
Chloe closed her eyes and shook her head. Whitney was right. She was punishing her for something she didn’t even know she did. “So how do I get past it?” She took the bread off the top of her sandwich and rearranged the avocado into the middle of it.
“Keep reading her journals. Remember how good it was. It was good, wasn’t it?”
“Phenomenal. I never thought it would end. Certainly not like it did.”
“Apparently, the universe doesn’t think so either, because here you are right back in the thick of it again.” Whitney picked up half of her sandwich and dug in.
“Maybe so.” Was Whitney right? Were she and Shay destined to be together? Could she go back to that place in time when they were gloriously happy? Let go of the heartache, the betrayal? Build from today forward and possibly repave their fate? “I think I’m already falling in love with her all over again. She has that ‘wow’ factor that makes me want her. I should be picturing Erica naked, not her. Technically, I’m with someone else. She’s with someone else.” She nibbled at her sandwich, not really hungry.
“Has Lila been around at all?” Whitney asked as she scooped more salad onto her plate.
“No. I don’t believe so.”
“Okay, so what if the circumstances were different, with Lila out of the picture and Erica not involved?”
She blew out a heavy breath. “If circumstances were different, I’d pursue her to the ends of the earth, but they’re not and aren’t likely to change if she finds out about Erica.”
“Jesus, Chloe. Tell her about Erica and Lila. Tell her the whole story. More important, tell her how much you love her. Tell her you love her more now than you ever thought you could.”
“I can’t let her know about Lila or Erica. It would crush her. She had an affair with a woman because she thought I was having an affair. That was totally irrational thinking and ridiculously immature. It’s really both our faults. If I’d just paid more attention, talked to her more, none of this would’ve ever happened.”
“What are you gonna do?”
“I don’t know. I have to wait out her recovery period and then tell her. I’m not sure I can do that. Not when I still love her so much. It’s so hard to be just friends.”
“Well, there’s your answer.” Whitney pushed out of her chair and headed back inside. “Talk to her.”
“You don’t understand.”
Whitney emerged from the house again and dropped a cookie onto her plate. “Then explain it to me. Make me understand.”
“Have you ever been stung by a jellyfish?”
Whitney stopped eating the cookie just long enough to respond. “Yeah. It hurts like hell.”
“Well, finding Shay with Lila together was a thousand times worse.” She was a huge, messy jumble of emotions. She felt like Armageddon had happened in her heart. Then, now, and everything in between was swimming in her brain like a hurricane. “I love her so much more now than I did before—if that’s even possible. I’m just not me without her. The whole situation is so fucked up. What if I go back to her and it happens again? What if neither one of us has truly changed?”
“Did you fall out of love with Shay?”
“No. She fell out of love with me.”
“Why would you think that?”
She raked her fingers through her hair. Although she suspected Whitney and Jackson had discussed them many times, she hadn’t told them the complete story. “We weren’t having sex anymore.”
Whitney’s eyebrows rose. “At all?”
&nbs
p; “Nope. We were both too busy, too tired, too whatever.”
The crumbs flew off Whitney’s hands as she rubbed them together. “I guess that means you have something to look forward to then, right?”
Chloe chuckled. “You always know how to find the bright side in any situation, don’t you?”
“Yep. My glass is always half full.” Whitney held up another cookie and waved it in front of her. “More?”
“No thanks. You and the baby need it more than me.”
She hadn’t gone into detail about everything that had happened between them. She couldn’t place all the blame on Shay. They hadn’t shared many moments of affection during the past year. They’d both been doing their own thing without considering how it made the other feel. She’d been so wrapped up in the new gallery she’d ignored Shay’s needs just as much as Shay had ignored hers.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The evening was going along smoothly at the gallery, and Shay was a little bored. Chloe was busy with customers and other artists, so these events were rather uneventful for her. But watching Chloe mingle was a pleasure she would never deny herself. They’d been stealing glances at each other all night long that seemed to convey hidden messages, and each one made her stomach fly into a huge somersault. Chloe glanced her way again and smiled that beautiful smile of hers. Shay had to take a deep breath to calm herself. She wanted to sprint across the room, pull her into her arms, and kiss her like nobody’s business. She wasn’t very patient.
The bell on the door chimed, and she saw Erica enter the gallery and search the crowd. When she seemed to have found what she was looking for, she headed straight for Chloe. The woman was gorgeous with her blond hair, blue eyes, and perfect smile. Shay hadn’t expected the jealousy that raged through her and had to calm down or she’d give herself away. Chloe seemed reluctant when Erica pulled her into a hug. If nothing else, Shay knew Chloe’s facial expressions. It relieved her to see that Chloe was smiling, but it wasn’t her usual happy smile. The body language between them seemed barely cordial. One little victory for the night.